Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything but the ideas and the words, but as they have proven time and again, just because you own something it doesn't mean you know what to do with it!
This story shows some scenes missing from the episode Hunters. I was motivated to write this after I heard how even Kate Mulgrew wanted a scene in, where she kissed Chakotay but of course that would not further their agenda so it was cut. I hope you enjoy it. It is the first thing I have ever written so I would appreciate and comments, good or bad I think I can take it!
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What You Didn't Hear Me Say
The entire crew was enjoying the party. Chakotay watched the captain as she spoke to everyone. She was avoiding him and he knew it. After what she had just said in her ready room about not having the opportunity to pursue a relationship she had chosen to avoid him. He knew she was relieved when Neelix interrupted them. He felt like they were reaching a moment of truth but then they left for the party. He did not think she realized how much that simple statement hurt him. Or maybe she did and that was why she was avoiding him. He decided to walk over while she was talking to Neelix and see if she would break the ice and speak to him. He stood behind her and listened for a moment waiting for the polite time to interrupt.
"Neelix this is a wonderful party as usual."
"Thank you Captain. I think everyone needed it. Some people are celebrating while I get the feeling that others are grieving."
Even though she knew there was no way Neelix knew about her letter she felt like he was reading her mind. Just in case, she tried to turn the conversation. "Yes, I believe Tom was upset when his letter was lost."
"Yes, I think he was, but look at them. She is wonderful for him. Did you know that B'Elanna has Tom convinced that his father wrote to say he loved him and was proud of him."
At that Kathryn smiled.
"They have been good for each other. No one else could put up with her temper."
They both were laughing as Chakotay approached. He was waiting for the right moment to make himself known. He wasn't trying to hear the conversation but there was no avoiding it.
"Love is definitely good for the spirit! Perhaps its time you found someone to share your life with," Neelix said cautiously. He hoped to give the Captain the push she needed. He bravely went on. "The peace that comes with it is like no other. That someone is out there waiting for you, Captain. I'm sure of it."
"Oh, I doubt it," she said. "I'm not really interested in a relationship. I have so much responsibility with my work, my crew, and my ship." She was choosing her words very carefully. She was not oblivious to the rumors that went around the ship about her and Chakotay. She hoped that with a few chosen words she could put an end to them once and for all. "My work is so encompassing that I could not give anyone I was involved with the time a relationship deserves. My goal is to get us home and having a companion with me would not change that. Every ounce of energy I have has to be devoted to that goal and nothing more." He did not look convinced. She knew she had to say more so she added one last sentence but it was difficult. "Any way there isn't anyone here in the Delta Quadrant that I would want to share my life with."
She heard a gasp and turned around to see Chakotay's face. She did not know he was there but she was sure that he had heard what she had just said to Neelix.
Neelix watched her reaction and his heart broke for both of them.
Chakotay turned and walked quickly out the door. She needed to go after him but how could she exit without arousing Neelix's suspicions.
She looked at the door closing and turned to Neelix to speak when he suddenly said, "Captain I believe Tom is calling me over to his table. If you'll excuse me?"
She left as discreetly as possible.
She ran to the nearest computer panel "Computer locate commander Chakotay."
"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."
Without thinking what she would say she went to his door. He would not answer. She punched in the override code he had given her. She had never used it before but she knew this was not the circumstance that he intended it to be used under.
He whirled around and glared when the doors opened. "When someone doesn't answer their door generally it means they don't want to be disturbed." He put very strong emphasis on the word disturbed.
Kathryn could see that he was enraged. She had never seen him like this and if he were anyone else she would have been frightened. "I needed to speak to you." she spoke quietly hoping to counter his yelling.
"It's always about what you need! Isn't it Kathryn?" he shouted as he grabbed her two arms and glared in her face. "You want to talk. Well guess what? You already said enough." He screamed in her face. " I heard every word you said to Neelix. Ev-er-y single cruel syllable that you said."
She reached up and swung her arms, effectively pushing him away. Now she was mad!
"You heard every word did you. Well what did you want me to say? Tell me Chakotay what did you want me to say?" she shouted at him.
He just stared at her. He was so full of anger he was afraid to speak. Did she really expect an answer to that question? Was she mocking him? He would not tell her what he really wanted to hear. He would not lay his heart out there again. Never again would he allow her to break his heart.
She didn't notice that he said nothing. "Well I tell you what I didn't say!" she was shouting now. She knew she was losing control but she did not care. Today had been too much! She spit out everything she wanted to say for the past three years as she paced the floor. "I did not say that I just got a dear John letter from my fiancee and that I don't feel sad, I feel guilty! That's right, he dumps me and I feel guilty! You want to know why? Do, you Chakotay?" she looks at him now, pointing her finger and pacing as she rants.
He does not respond but she knows by the look in his eyes that she has his attention.
"I feel guilty because I am sure that sending me that message was the hardest thing that Mark every had to do and I betrayed him over and over."
Chakotay's body stiffened and his stare turned hard. What did she mean she betrayed him?
"You know how I did it. Do you?" she screamed louder, this time poking him in his chest. "Every night when I was in my bed wide awake picturing you just next door in your bed and I wondered what it would be like to be there with you. That's how I betrayed him! Every time I made an excuse to reach over and touch you when we were on the bridge. I betrayed him. Every time I watched you talking, and I wasn't listening but instead I was wondering what it would feel like to kiss you. Or the nights I woke up after a very personal dream about you not him. Every time I pushed you away while my heart was screaming for you to hold me and make love to me that is how I betrayed him! Yet he was sorry to tell me he had gotten married and he hoped I would understand. What he doesn't understand is that I let go along time ago. While he was worried about me I was lusting for you!" She was shaking with emotion.
They both stood like statues for a few moments as the room got very quiet. Until finally she whispered "What you heard me say was 'I'm not really interested in a relationship. I have so much responsibility with my work, my crew, and my ship. My work is so encompassing that I could not give anyone I was involved with the time a relationship deserves. My goal is to get us home and having a companion with me would not change that. Every ounce of energy I have has to be devoted to that goal and nothing more. Any way there isn't anyone here in the Delta Quadrant that I would want to share my life with' What I couldn't do in front of Neelix or anyone else, or even admit it to myself until today, was finish that sentence out loud. Any way there isn't anyone here in the Delta Quadrant that I would want to share my life with… besides the one man I cannot have, the only man who has ever touched my soul, the man I love, you."
She said the final word so softly he wasn't sure if it was real.
"So, Chakotay," she said softly, "there is the whole shameful truth. While a good man on earth worried about breaking my heart I had already broken his and yours and he did not even know it." She was crying now, very softly but he knew it.
He hadn't moved or spoken a word since she began talking. As the words swirled around in his head he wondered when he would wake up. He had had this dream many times before. She comes to his quarters and declares her love for him but he always woke up. On the slim chance that she was really here, he reached out to wipe away the tears. When his hand felt damp he knew all he needed to know and with one step he closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around her. She buried her head in his chest and continued crying. When her breathing slowed down he lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes.
"You don't have to wonder any more," he whispered as he leaned down and kissed her with all the passion that he had kept inside for the past four years.