Row after row of endless pods. Humans, more dead then alive, unaware of the truth. Unaware that they have never walked, spoken, laughed, loved or done anything. They stretch as far as the eye can see, which admittedly is not far but it still inspires… I guess it should be fear or awe but the truth is I didn't feel any fear or awe or much of anything really. I was too shocked. One moment I'm sitting in a chair in an abandoned building and the next…
It's later, when you realise the Truth, that it sinks in. When you're actually awake and in the fields it doesn't register, you don't understand what is going on. People fear the unknown but when the unknown is too much and you can't comprehend it, it doesn't frighten you. If anything you feel curious as to what is going on. But you're not afraid.
The fear comes later on. After a while it starts to fade but is replaced by something else. Most people accepted their new life but I couldn't. I was too old, too set in my ways. I could only feel anger but it was a resigned anger. There was no going back, so I had to get along with everyone. I never vented it. I should have really but the only place I could really do that was during training and even then it wasn't enough.
When I met Morpheus I had immediately trusted him. It was probably just that I couldn't bare the idea of spending three years of my life looking for someone and then not trust them. But Morpheus had something about him that inspired trust and devotion. It was why he was such a great leader.
So I had faith in him straight away. The rest of the crew took a lot longer. I knew that I had to because my life was in their hands. I had no idea of what was going on around me. The last person they had pulled out had been Switch and that had been about seven years ago, so she was way ahead of me.
I never really got on with Switch. She always seemed so angry. I was told that she wasn't usually like that. It was just me. There was something about me that brought out the worst in her. I mean, we spoke to each other politely but I'm sure that eventually we would have come to blows. I made matters worse by having a fight with Apoc.
I had such terrible nightmares. Dreams where I was back in the fields, horrified with what was round me. I saw my family stretched out in the pods next to me and I tried to reach them but couldn't. The Neb would come and pull me right out the pod and I would leave them, hearing their screams as the machines tore at them. Other times they would claw at me, hang on to the craft begging to be taken with me. I still dream about it now, but now it's different - I know I can help.
One night I dreamt that I tried to help. I reached down and grabbed hold of Caitlin's arm but instead of letting me pull her out she pulled me back into a pod and hissed at me.
You abandoned us Tommy. You left us here in these fields to die. Why didn't you try to help me Tommy? Why didn't you tell Mom and Dad? You let me die! And then you tried to forget us! Why should you be shown mercy? What makes you so special that you have a chance to live and we don't?
I tried desperately to protest and wriggle out of her insane grip but she clung on.
Why do you always try to leave us? Help us! Please, Tommy help us!
The last words were a scream and I awoke to my own cries. I stumbled out of bed and ran to the bathroom, my hand over my mouth. I flung myself in front of the toilet seat and threw up. By the time I realised I had left the door open, I was beyond care. Between every heave I cried, until I had nothing left inside of me.
"Neo?"
I knelt beside the toilet bowl shuddering violently and hoped that Apoc would mind his own fucking business like everyone else and go back to bed. But of course he didn't. He was a good man and he wanted to help. I wish I could have told him that. But instead I ignored him.
"Neo, are you okay?"
"Oh sure. I'm fabulous."
Look, I've been there. It's hard when you first come out. I know how you feel -"
I stood and whirled on him. " Really? Then tell me this Apoc, how old were you when they pulled you out?"
He seemed taken aback by my question and hesitated. "Uh, nineteen."
"Nineteen. Jesus Christ, you don't have anything when you're nineteen! I had a fucking life! I had a job, a home - even if it wasn't real it was my life! Then you came and screwed it all up for me! So no, you don't know how I feel. You couldn't possibly comprehend it. No one on this fucking ship has any idea how I feel!"
"Neo, please, calm down - "
He looked over his shoulder at the corridor. I could hear the rusty sound of doors being opened and a terrible desperation swept over me. I was trapped here. The rest of the crew would always know every move I made. There was no going back. I glared at Apoc.
"Or what? I'll wake everyone up? I don't give a fuck, Apoc. You can all go to hell for all I care!"
The sudden silence hit me. I hadn't realised how loudly I had been shouting or how much I was trembling. I pushed past him and stalked back to my room.
"Neo." I turned in my doorway to see Trinity staring at me. I felt ill again. The feeling I'd felt when I first saw her, the feeling that I knew her hit me again, making me dizzy and for one second I could have sworn I saw the same thing in her eyes. But then it was shut off, almost as quickly as it had arrived. Just wishful thinking.
"He was just trying to help you."
"I don't need help. I need to be -" I couldn't finish. I didn't know what I needed but she nodded.
"I know." And somehow she did know, even if I didn't.
She knows me…
I looked at the floor and tried to keep my expression blank. I glanced back up at her and she looked away.
"Try to get some sleep Neo." She turned quickly and headed back to her room. I watched her for a while, then sat in my room, head in arms, remembering the road that stretched outside my house, with the glittering cars. Life had been simple then. And I knew that even if I had been given a choice, I would not return to that life because that was exactly the problem: it was too simple. I never would have made a truck driver. I barely made it as a computer programmer. So what the hell was I?
I must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing I remember was Tank opening the door and throwing a spork at my head. That was his method of waking me up when I slept in. I was always grateful that he had good aim, otherwise I'm sure he would have got me in the eye.
I had developed an easy friendship with Tank. Most people did, the guy was so likeable. Dozer was a lot quieter, more serious. I never really got to know him that well. He was constantly trying to improve the equipment. Even though I was still in training, the others still went out on missions to the Matrix and often came back injured. Mainly cuts and bruises but it kept Dozer busy.
I envied the others going out to the Matrix but at the same time I was almost afraid to go back. Now that I knew the Truth, how would I view it? I could never look at it in the same way. At least in training you were safe. If you didn't mind the odd cut lip or whatever.
I drifted to breakfast, head pounding horribly from lack of sleep and too many bad thoughts. When I sat at the mess rooms table, the first thing I saw was Switch's angry glare. Her and Apoc were close. How close I wasn't too sure but I knew he would have told her about the night before. Like I said before, Switch and I never really got on; this was just the icing on the cake.
Great. Good going Neo, just alienate yourself from all these people, there's a great idea. You idiot.
Although nobody mentioned it, I knew they all knew about last night's outburst. I think they were all shocked because no one had ever yelled at Apoc. Like I said before, he was a good guy. And I knew that. It could have been anyone. I had reached the end of my tether. Even if Morpheus had arrived I think I would have shouted at him. Probably more in fact because he was the one who brought me here.
I ate quickly and slunk off quickly to training. I could feel Switch's angry stare on my back, long after I had left, the room. As soon as I had closed the door behind me, I could hear Mouse talking excitedly, trying to find out if Apoc and me had come to blows. He was still just a kid. I guess I should have been annoyed at him gossiping behind my back but I wasn't. I liked Mouse. I liked his inane chatter - it was about the only thing that cheered me up.
Actually, that's a lie. Training was the main thing that kept me sane in those early days. It was such a kick to suddenly find myself doing things I had never done before. Things that Thomas A. Anderson would never dream of doing. It was hard to believe that I had ever been a programmer at Metacortex and now I was training to be… well, in the eyes of the Matrix, a terrorist.
When I did well I was on top of the world. When I failed I sunk even lower, so I guess in some way that was the incentive for me to do well. Especially after Morpheus had told me why he had taken me. I knew that sometimes the others would watch me train, to see if I was what he thought I was. They weren't convinced. Hell, I wasn't even convinced.
But whatever I was, every time I did something badly I felt that I'd let them all down. I felt that most acutely when I was in the jump program. The second time I did it, I made it a little further but fell anyway. I realised that the more times I failed, the more my mind would become convinced that it couldn't do it and I would just keep falling until I actually killed myself. So I decided that the next time I tried it I wouldn't think about it: I would just jump and maybe imagine that the gap was only a few feet across. I didn't really expect it to work but I had to try something different. Morpheus' disappointment weighed heavily on me.
The next day I tried it. I took a running start and just as I launched myself I thought this isn't real. If it's not real, you can't fall. The next thing I knew I was hitting the floor hard, but this time I was on my feet.
It wasn't a very graceful landing: I hadn't been expecting to make it, so I overbalanced, fell forward and ended up doing a few forward rolls before I finally stopped, landing heavily on my back. I opened my eyes and saw Morpheus' face silhouetted by the sun over me. I had made it…He grinned slowly.
"Well done." I smiled back at him and realised it had been the first time I had done so in months.
When Tank pulled us back out I was still grinning like a lunatic. I looked over to where the others were all standing by the monitors. They stared at me for a moment then all laughed when they saw my smile. For a moment I wondered why they had been staring at me but I shrugged it off. It honestly didn't occur to me that what I had done was special, that nobody, not even Morpheus had ever made the jump in three tries.
Tank took one look at me and burst out laughing.
"Shit, Neo you look like you swallowed a hanger!"
I laughed and headed off to the mess room, trying to suppress my smile but failing miserably. I was in a good mood for the rest of the day. I didn't even notice the whispers and glances the others gave each other. The only one I did notice was Trinity. I caught her staring at me during dinner. Her expression was so troubled and distant that I stopped smiling. We stared at each other for a few moments.
"What?" I whispered.
She opened her mouth, then shut it, looking away. She muttered something that sounded like 'well done' then got up and left. I watched her leave and wished I knew what it was that she provoked in me.
That night was the first night I didn't have nightmares since boarding the Neb. That doesn't mean I slept though. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Trinity there. I could picture her so clearly it was like she was in the room. It took me a while to realise that she actually was.
"Trinity?" I sat up quickly. I'd been so tired when I went to bed, I hadn't bothered to close the door and now she was standing just inside.
"I just wanted to make sure you were alright. Switch is still pissed that you haven't apologised to Apoc."
"But I'm not sorry." I said it more coldly then I had meant to. For a moment I thought maybe she had come to… I don't know. I wasn't entirely sure what I felt for her.
"Neo, you need to understand. Switch has had a hard life. She's lost so many people she loved, so she's protective of him. When he hurts, so does she." Silence. She was sitting on the bed, so close that I could have reached out to touch her.
"He was only trying to help-"
"I know that," I said sharply. "But I don't need help Trinity." I looked down at my blanket.
"I just… I need to do this by myself."
She nodded. "I know you do."
We sat there in silence for a moment, staring down at the bed. Finally she sighed.
"You can do it Neo. Otherwise Morpheus wouldn't have freed you."
She reached over and gave my hand a squeeze. I don't think she really meant to do it. It was just a reflex, something you do for comfort, but I felt such a jolt through my body that I kept hold of her hand. I didn't want to let go. We looked at each other.
We stayed like that for a while. How long I can't really say. I wanted to hold her but I didn't dare move. I didn't want to ruin a moment I had been wishing for, ever since I had met her. Eventually I stroked the back of her hand with my thumb and she drew in a breath. I wanted her so badly that I think she must have sensed it because she suddenly straightened up, pulling her hand free from mine. I watched her get up.
She went to the door and stopped. Her expression was blank and she stared at the light bulb in the corridor. She didn't look at me again.
"Goodnight Neo."
And even though she was gone, I could still feel her presence filling the room and suffocating me. I lay back in bed and allowed it to wash over me. There are some feelings that were only made for a moment and I wanted to keep that moment alive as long as possible.