DEDICATION: This chapter is dedicated to everyone who has reviewed this fic and/or written other Matrix fan fiction. Believe it or not, this chapter was actually harder to write without any kind of Matrix feedback or stories to read when I needed inspiring. So thanks guys! ;)
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The code takes some getting used to. The first time anyone looks at it, they blink and squint at it as if by doing that it will suddenly make more sense. Of course it doesn't help at all, it just leaves you with painful eyes.
It seemed incredible to me at first that anyone could understand it. Tank had told me that it was just like learning a foreign language. All it took was time and patience.
"But Tank," I had protested, "I'm lousy at languages!"
He gave me a crooked grin. "Well, that's more your problem then mine now, isn't it?"
I shook my head, smiling and wandered off. Since making the jump I had felt more at home on the hovercraft. Before, I felt that I wasn't on the same level as the rest of the crew. They could all do things that I could not even dream of. After making the jump, however, things get a whole lot easier. It becomes almost second nature to be running up walls and jumping impossible heights because the mind is now free. But of course in my case, that wasn't enough.
Morpheus was continually pushing me, much harder then anyone else. I could feel some animosity from the rest of them; most of them were still doubtful of my ability within The Matrix and I think resented me for… taking Morpheus away from them, I guess. They would glare at me like kids in a schoolyard whenever I began or finished a training session. I would not have been surprised to find that some of them were hoping that I wasn't the One. I'm fairly sure that Switch was one of them. I just did not fit their image of what their saviour would look like. I don't know what they were expecting but I was fairly sure that it was not a skinny computer programmer, who was far too old to be unplugged.
Sometimes it made me angry. I hated that kind of bitching behind people's backs. I wished that they could have just come out and said what they thought of me, instead of whispering and talking about it while I was in The Matrix. But of course, they didn't say a word.
At first I couldn't work it out; they were honest about everything else, why not me? But then I realised that Morpheus must have been protecting me from them. I could just imagine him sitting everyone down and saying, "play nice children". He probably did, with words to that effect. He was not much older then any of us but we were his children. I say it and it doesn't make much sense but that was how it felt.
Anyway, after making the jump I felt more at ease with them. I was on their level now, more or less. I got to know them a lot better in those few weeks then in the months beforehand. I thought that I had them figured out.
There were two I couldn't really work out though. Morpheus and Trinity. Morpheus was our mentor, our father. He was almost untouchable. I knew that he was a respected captain among the other ships, if not with his superiors in Zion. Apparently his methods were unorthodox. I didn't really understand that until I understood that they were talking about me. Morpheus had instructed the crew that the true reason I had been unplugged should not be revealed to anyone outside the ship. I think he was afraid that another ship or that even Zion would try to steal me away from him or that it would add too much pressure on me and I would pop.
As far as anyone outside of our crew was concerned Morpheus had pulled out a copper top that would usually be considered as 'unfit for unplugging' and offered no real reason why. He really stuck his neck out for me and I soon learnt that he did it for everyone. He's an incredible man.
Trinity… Like Switch, I got the impression that she had built a wall around herself. At first I thought everyone on the ship did that but then I realised that I had built a wall and was blocking everyone else out. However, unlike Switch, Trinity had no one to confide in. She got on with everyone but there was nobody she would go to with a problem, except maybe Morpheus. I always felt when I was around her that without any warning, she would suddenly explode with all her repressed thoughts.
Sometimes when we talked, I would try to open her up more. I wanted to understand who she was, the woman behind the façade she had built. But Trinity would always guess what I was trying to do and change the subject or move away. I think she was scared of getting too close. Most of our conversations had hidden meanings; we would speak to each other and without knowing it, reveal our true selves. We knew each other's souls, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, I felt a lot more at home on the Neb, more so then I would have thought at the beginning. Strangely enough, one of the people I felt most at ease with was actually Cypher. There was an edge to him that I liked; I felt that I could be honest around him.
Whenever I hear people say that they had a feeling that so and so was a horrible person I always think 'bullshit'. I didn't feel that with Cypher. Nobody did, not even Morpheus: if he did, I'm sure he would never had let Cypher take watch as frequently as he did. We all trusted and liked him and that was what made his defection so much harder to take. Sure, he could be offensive and he had a habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time but apart from that, we trusted him. It makes me sick to think how blind we were all. I should have realised something: whenever he was on watch he was edgy if someone came over or switched off the monitors altogether. But we never suspected anything. If we had, things would have been so different.
I think that Morpheus was keeping a closer eye on me then I had thought because it was just when I had finally started to understand what was going on around me, he announced he was taking me to see her. The Oracle. As soon as he said it, everyone stiffened up. Nobody would look me in the eye. That was the first thing that worried me. The second thing that worried me was the thought that I would have to go back into the Matrix for the first time since being unplugged. I wasn't sure if I could handle it. It was easy enough saying that The Matrix wasn't real here, but to realise it when you're actually in The Matrix is a totally different story.
It was a huge operation. Taking someone new into the Matrix always is because you have no idea how they'll react. Some people go crazy and run off, trying to find their families, while others don't move, can't move. They don't want to face a world that's not real. You need every Matrix-born on the ship plugged in.
My reaction was pretty tame in comparison to some others. It unnerved me at first. I just couldn't look at anything without thinking this is not real. It made me sad: not just that my own life hadn't been real but that all these people would live and die in the Matrix and never have a chance to really live. Living a lie.
I was dubious about visiting The Oracle. I didn't believe in fate and, truth be told, I was a little nervous. Nobody had really told me what to expect and I had visions of white marble, Greek temples and echoing voices. I tried to ask Trinity about the Matrix and its Oracle but she gave me vague answers.
The Matrix cannot tell you who you are.
But an Oracle can?
That's different.
Did you see her?
Yes.
She told me…
What? I had sat up then, thinking that maybe she would tell me something, help me understand her more. But she turned away and Morpheus took me inside.
I had not known what to expect, so I tried to expect the unexpected and wipe the images of temples from my mind. I wasn't altogether surprised to enter a graffiti heavy building. I wasn't even surprised by how small the apartment was. The kids already in the room did though, especially the one with the spoon. He was sitting in the middle of the floor, with various bits of bent cutlery in front of him. He picked up a spoon and looked at it. Without any apparent effort on his behalf, it started to twist and contort, before springing back to shape when he noticed me staring. He held the spoon out to me and I took it, sitting down. I tried to work out how this trick had been performed.
"Don't try to bend the spoon." I looked up, slightly startled at his voice. "That's impossible. Instead only try to see the truth."
"What truth?" I asked immediately. Still searching, always searching….
"There is no spoon."
I blinked and looked at the spoon. "There is no spoon?"
"Then you will see that it is not the spoon that bends, only yourself."
I held up the spoon and stared at it. There is no spoon… if it doesn't exist, then it can't be part of any rules of how a spoon behaves. I don't have to be part of any rules… The spoon bent sideways.
The Oracle will see you now."
The woman's voice brought me back to reality (or whatever it is) and I looked back at the repaired spoon. The kid smiled brightly at me. I gave a half-hearted smile and gave him the spoon back.
When I first saw the Oracle I had to suppress a laugh. I didn't mean it disrespectfully, you see, it was just the complete opposite to what I had expected. White marble gave way to Formica coated tables and a host angelic voices became one voice, heavy with smokers cough.
But if I doubted who she was for a second, she soon proved me wrong. I sometimes still wonder about the vase, whether it was my clumsiness or her words that caused me to smash it. I think it was a combination of the two.
"You're cuter then I thought. I can see why she likes you."
"Who?"
"Not too bright though." I smiled when she said that, although my head was spinning. Was she talking about Trinity?
Yeah, right. Like a woman like Trinity could ever like a dork like you.
But I can feel something when I talk to her. She feels it too -
I was interrupted from my silent debate by The Oracle examining me. I wasn't surprised when she agreed with me. A part of me knew I wasn't the One. Not yet anyway. It didn't bother me as much as you may think. If anything I was relieved. Maybe now I could just get on with my new life without any of the pressure. Of course Morpheus would be disappointed but -
You're going to have to make a choice Neo. On the one hand you'll have Morpheus' life. And on the other, you'll have your own. One of you is going to die. Which one is up to you.
Looking back on that conversation, everything she said was loaded with hidden meaning. She told me exactly what was going to happen but in a way that I couldn't understand. I was pretty angry with her for a while. Things could have been so much easier if she had just told me straight but now I'll never know how they could have been.
On the way back to the car I kept telling myself I didn't believe in all this fate crap. Nothing was going to happen and certainly not because an old woman had said it would. I repeated that to myself when I heard the first gun shots that killed Mouse, when we hid in the wall, heart in my mouth, repeating over and over, this doesn't mean anything, this doesn't mean anything.
I stopped believing myself when Morpheus saved me from the Agent. As Trinity was calling Tank to find us an exit I was filled with guilt. After everything he had done for me, I had just left him there. I could have helped; I could have done something…anything. It hit me for the first time how utterly helpless we were. We could never win this war. The machines had everything, sentinels, agents, even The Matrix itself could be used against us. And what did we have? The EMP and a prophesy that had not yet happened and was unlikely to, in my opinion. I just wanted to get out of The Matrix, back to the real world and stay there. I picked up my pace beside Trinity.
When we got to the exit the phone was already ringing. Trinity told me to pick it up and I did gladly and waited for the strange, cold feeling of being pulled back. It never came.
"What's wrong?" Fear had made Trinity's voice sharper then usual.
"I don't know, it just went dead."
She grabbed the phone from me and, swearing, dialled Tank on her cell phone. I wasn't worried when it seemed to take longer then usual for the operator to pick up. I wasn't even that worried when it was Cypher who picked up.
"You killed them." I stared at Trinity in horror when she said that. I heard Switch and Apoc make exclamations but I didn't say anything. I was straining my ears trying to hear what Cypher was saying. Trinity's side of the conversation didn't really tell me anything. It was just starting to occur to me that the whole trip had been a set up and that Cypher, who I had just begun to trust, was betraying us when Trinity suddenly turned to Apoc. He seemed to know what was coming because he whispered her name before he fell to the ground.
I stared at his still body, unable to say anything, while Switch knelt beside him. He was dead… I never apologised to him and now it was too late. I couldn't breath.
Then I watched helplessly as Switch died. I knelt beside them both and hated myself and my stupid pride that had prevented me from making up with these two. The thing that made me feel worse was the fact that I barely knew them. I hadn't even tried. And, now it was too late. I felt sick with it. I still feel sick when I think of them all today. None of them, not Apoc, not Switch, and especially not Mouse deserved to die that way. I could fully understand Switch's last words.
Not like this. Not like this. She knew what was coming and she couldn't stand the thought of being killed that easily. Nobody can. It throws the whole point of living into question. What's the point if someone can so easily take life away?
It sounds strange now, but I really had no idea how Cypher could have done it. No one had explained to me that pulling the plug out of someone's head whilst in The Matrix killed them. It's obvious now but it just didn't occur to me back then. It's frightening really, how easily it could be done. Just pull the plug and bingo, someone's dead. No mess, no blood on your hands.
I know that Tank is trying to work out a security device to make sure the plugs can't be pulled while someone's in The Matrix. It's his way of defending Dozer's death. I haven't the heart to tell him that it just won't work. All of the captains (and most of the crew for that matter) think that you should be able to, in case something goes wrong or if they need to stop someone revealing any secrets. But then again, Morpheus lets him get on with it so maybe the Neb will be protected. I know I'd rather have something like that installed. There isn't much protection for us so it will be nice to know that something like that can never happen again and that maybe their deaths weren't in vain.
But I digress.
I knew something had happened back on the Neb because I could suddenly hear Cypher. I didn't hear exactly what he said, but it ended with a scream of pain. Trinity stared at the dead phone in her hand. I looked at her face and felt worse. I've never seen anyone's composure break as quickly as Trinity's did. In fact, I've never seen anyone look so scared. We stood there for a moment in silence, Trinity leaning against the counter slightly, as if her legs were giving out and me with hundreds of thoughts rushing through my head.
The main thing that worried me was that we had no idea what had just happened. We were stuck here, until someone on the other side decided to pull us out. If any agents came, I wasn't sure what would happen. Trinity was in no shape to do much of anything and I sure as hell couldn't lead her around.
It sounds as if I didn't care about the people who died but I did. I knew there was nothing more we could for them and it would be senseless to throw our own lives away. Our entire crew could have been wiped out in just a few hours.
Another voice was tugging at the back of my mind. It was the same voice that had questioned what I was doing when I climbed into the car to meet Morpheus. My little voice of reason. It kept saying you see? You see what happens when you trust people? They betray you or die or maybe even both. If you know what's good for you you'll never make that mistake again.
I was just thinking of tactful ways to tell Trinity to pull herself together when the phone rang. I expected her to pick it up but she stared at it dumbly as though she had never seen a telephone before. I hesitatingly picked the phone up and handed it to her. I wasn't sure if she would be able to pick up the phone in her condition. She took it and disappeared. I stood there nervously, heart beating faster with every passing second. I was terrified of being trapped here. I had no idea what I could've done. I had terrible images of my body back on the Neb, still with no one around.
Just as those thoughts threatened to overwhelm me and send me running around shrieking, the phone rang. I grabbed it quickly and felt the reassuring chill of the real world.