Here are the special thanks:
Soul dragon; Jedi Cosmos (I have no words. It means a lot to me that somebody likes what I write, and if I make one person happy I feel immensely rewarded); vmr; Ravenclaw_Filly; Dumbledore's True Love (I completely agree: a fic where Sirius dies doesn't deserve to be on the favorites list); larissa; Dizmius Artistius; Lord of the Net; marikmac (you praise so well… I wanted to write
the whole year but have to leave it at Christmas. Better short (not so short) and interesting
then long and boring, right?); Jack Knife; Caitlin Black (nobody is dead, and I hope this chapter explains the most of the confusion); Lucky Woods; ladybugg2886; Cassidy Rai
I forgot to mention it a long time before, but the people who helped me to figure out what kind of wand Sirius has were Sara (a hair from centaur tail - something to do with stars), Lin-z and Aria (ebony, because it's black)
Sorry, Lin-z, I wanted to finish this at last. Couldn't wait for the beta-ed version. The rest of you just have to bear with me once more.
The senses came back progressively, and Harry accepted them as they awoke. He was in the infirmary. There was simply no other place he could be after what happened. At first there was a feeling of uneasiness, but before he could remember why another sense woke up and he became aware of two low voices talking to one another. Some time passed before he progressed from simply hearing the sounds to actually understanding them.
"Are you trying to make a list of everything that went wrong, Sirius?" There was a soft reproach in the way the voice sounded. Harry could see Dumbledore's smile through his closed lids. The answer came in completely opposite, tense and sharp manner.
"Here is a list of positive things if you want. Harry wasn't hurt. Point. If you can think of anything else you are welcome to contribute. I can't."
"You seem to forget the most important of all. The enchantment..."
"That goddamned enchantment was the wrongest thing of all! It could have killed all of us, and specially him!" The shout echoed through Harry's mind and he frowned.
"He seemed to control it just fine."
"He is James' son. What else did you expect from him?" There was open pride coming through the tiredness and frustration. Harry wondered if he should do something and open his eyes. Sirius' voice suggested that there was something terribly wrong, even if Dumbledore's sounded as if he were announcing the Christmas ball.
"What else did you expect from yourself, Sirius? How much of the book did you read?"
"Half the way through the invocation. I skipped most of the stuff about the Order and the mythology nonsense. It was Halloween and I was stuck waiting for you and than Harry appeared and I had to talk some sense in him. He was looking for the book himself."
"Did you succeed?"
"In a way," thought Harry. "I forgot about the Order and concentrated on Snape. Which brought me back to the Order. Maybe it was predestined that way."
"I know I'm no good taking care of Harry. No need to repeat it over and over." Sirius snapped in response, mistaking the irony of Dumbledore's question for an accusation.
"His parents seemed to have another opinion on your parenting abilities." Dumbledore mused softly. "Back to the Phoenix."
"The Phoenix, right. There was no Phoenix."
"What was there, then?" Harry vividly imagined Dumbledore's twinkling eyes behind the moon- shaped glasses. He sounded a lot like a teacher formulating a tricky question to his favourite student.
"I don't know." Sirius replied, stubborn. "You didn't want to hear a list of all the things that went wrong. I won't count them. Enough to say it was about everything. It could have been some mix of Fidelius and a Summoning. Moo... Remus was there, but I have known him for ages, could probably summon his presence easily enough. After that... it was too confusing to have been successful."
Dumbledore gave no answer. After a charged silence Harry heard a screech of the neighbour bed and knew it was Sirius who shifted uncomfortably away from the piercing stare of the Hogwarts headmaster.
"The Ministry isn't likely to believe my report about Death Eater's activity in Azkaban without Avery's testimony, right?" He changed the subject.
"They won't hear of any of it, I'm afraid. The faint possibility of Fudge getting reasonable this time isn't worth the risk you would be taking."
"And the risk the Order takes of being associated with me." Sirius continued matter-of-factly.
Harry's mind was already full awake, and he was wondering if he should give some signs of life and admit to involuntary eavesdropping or lay still and continue to listen. Dumbledore gave an infinitely patient sigh.
"Believe me, I will not discuss this matter with you, no matter how much you provoke me." After another silence he continued. "You need medical attention."
"What I need is a twenty-four-hour long bath and clean clothes."
"I won't deny that," Dumbledore returned, "but a visit to Poppy is not negotiable. Of all the members of the Order you are the one who need it most and the only who didn't get it yet."
"When Harry awakes."
"I am awake." Harry marvelled at how easily the words came when he didn't try to get them out. His eyes opened, and Sirius' disappointed look greeted him.
"I thought you would be by now, but did you have to announce it right now?" Harry ignored the joke and sat up. There were so many things that had to be said. He didn't know where to start. Sirius looked back at him with unreadable expression. The frown didn't last long, but the smile that replaced it never quite reached his eyes. The silence was starting to be awkward.
"You promised." Dumbledore's voice was patient, and leaving no doubt he expected this patience to be respected.
"I'll be back in no time." Sirius stood up and headed to the door, showing with his whole attitude it was the last thing he wanted to be doing. "I am sick and tired of approaching people only to listen to them scream their heads off at my sight." He muttered quietly enough not to seem impolite, but still making sure Dumbledore heard.
"The whole third floor is now forbidden to students who didn't go home for Christmas. And Poppy won't scream, she knows your story."
Sirius signed. "She will. She said she would if she ever saw any of us again," he returned without turning his head.
The door closed soundlessly behind him. Harry expected Dumbledore to follow, but the headmaster went to take Sirius' place on the bed next to Harry. Something in the way he watched him told Harry the conversation that awaited wasn't going to be pleasant.
"Your godfather had offered me at least ten good reasons why I shouldn't be talking about this right now. I respect his opinion in everything concerning your well-being, and he is, following the will of your parents, your legal guardian."
Harry was waiting for a but, and he didn't wait long.
"As for myself, I have only one reason for wanting to explore this subject, and it is up to you to decide if it's important enough. The good name of one man..."
"Professor Snape was under the effects of voluntariatum when he went to that meeting. I gave it to him." The words came out very quickly. Lying to Dumbledore never occurred to Harry.
"I thought so." He nodded. "Your birthday present, am I right?" His moon-like glasses watched Harry gravely and he wondered –again- how much the man in front of him knew. "It was all my fault. I am sorry." He added in a whisper. No words could express the way he felt. Did Sirius know already? He told Dumbledore about the birthday present… Did Snape know?
"It's not me you should be asking for forgiveness. As for the first one… It was a concurrence of many circumstances. It was Sirius' irresponsibility, giving you tools that overcome your knowledge and your good sense. Severus' for pressing you to extreme measures. Mine for failing to notice his call for help. And you fault, too, and I hope you realise yourself how stupid and careless your actions were."
Harry nodded. Something in Dumbledore's words made him remember one detail of his talk with Snape. He dismissed the idea at first, but felt compelled to share it.
"Professor Snape didn't force me to come with him. I asked to come along."
Again Dumbledore nodded, not surprised at all. Harry thought about Professor Snape's bizarre behaviour in his office and his struggle to resist the orders later on the island and tried to put it in words.
"It looked more like he was under the Imperius Curse."
Dumbledore shook his head.
"The odds of German Avery putting Severus Snape under the Imperius Curse are small, but even then he couldn't have controlled him here at Hogwarts. Unless he was already under some influence, that would have made him more vulnerable."
Harry had the uncomfortable impression that Dumbledore was thinking he tried to get from his responsibility and opened his mouth, but the headmaster continued thoughtfully.
"He found himself unable to ignore direct orders. Avery forced him to reveal Sirius' hideout and bring you there. He wasn't able to avoid the first, but tried to sidestep the second. He wanted to make me forbid him the deal and got my approbation instead. But even than he wasn't able to take you against your will. How he managed to persuade you to come, I don't know."
"He said something about Sirius. He made it sound like he wasn't doing very well." Now that Harry remembered it, it seemed to be the oldest trick of the world. Weren't all children told never to trust strangers claiming that mum or dad were ill and offered to take them to the hospital?
"Like I said before, it doesn't sound like an Imperius curse, or like voluntariatum even in high doses. You didn't happen to mix it with Wena-wine by any chance?" Harry only shrugged the shoulders. "It could have been something Avery did… We'll never know. Any after-effects were erased by the Phoenix enchantment. But we are talking too much. You should go to sleep now."
Harry stared at him in surprise. He had just waken up, and felt perfectly well. Physically, at least.
"I had to stun you because nobody was able to predict the consequences of being exposed to the enchantment. I am happy to see there were none. But Obliviation doesn't replace sleep, and it's around five o'clock in the morning."
As soon as he heard that, Harry's eyes started to itch and his mouth opened it a big traitorous yawn. If Sirius didn't come soon he would have no other option than to sleep. He tried to avoid being left alone with his depressing thoughts by asking another question.
"What exactly was Sirius doing in Azkaban?"
"Much more then was expected from him, but still not enough. He saw people being brought there. Probably muggles, as a disappearance of a wizard wouldn't pass unnoticed. All of them were administered the kiss and taken away. He couldn't do anything to stop them. Avery was in charge of the operation. His confession would have been the ultimate proof of Voldemort's return, and the betrayal of the dementors."
"Administered the kiss? Why?"
"Human blood and human flesh are very common ingredients of dark powers, and ironically it doesn't matter if the victim is a muggle or a wizard. Those people became incubators, providers of fresh ingredients for terrible crimes after they provided food for the dementors. Some of Voldemort's strongest supporters were left free in exchange for the extra … meal."
Harry shuddered at the image of a hooded figure cutting slices of meat from a still living body. "Now, Harry, you really have to sleep. We have another meeting tomorrow… today, actually, and your presence is essential."
"Why did you want me in the meeting? Not this, the first one?" It came out casually. Had Harry had time to think, or had he known what the answer would be he would have never asked.
"Believe it or not, I wanted to keep you away from any trouble. I thought if you knew of our plans you would feel less inclined to make something… radical… yourself. Obviously, I was wrong." Something must have shown on Harry's face, because Dumbldore smiled. It made him look like a good affable uncle. "What did you think it was?"
Harry wasn't specially inclined to explain that he thought he was supposed to lead the Order after it was made so clear he didn't have a remote connection to it.
"My wand has a phoenix feather in it," he ended up mumbling and felt more stupid then he had in all his life.
"I guess it explains it. Sirius gave you that idea?" Dumbledore asked kindly.
"No. I heard him talking to Remus. They didn't want me to hear... Explains what?" Harry momentary forgot his embarrassment.
"He must have really believed it. The way he transferred his power to you… There is no description of anything similar in the book. He feared he couldn't do it himself… If he thought you were the right one, subconsciously…"
"But I am not."
"It hardly matters now, Harry. Like it hardly matters the kind of wand you use. The wand-makers make a fuss over it, and it's also true in a way. But the same wand can produce wonderful miracles and terrible crimes; you should know it better then anyone. You wand is only a continuation of what's inside you."
"Right." Harry answered and didn't ask more questions.
The lights in the room went off. He closed the eyes, sure he could not sleep after all that happened. He was wrong.
When he woke up nest morning he was still alone in the big room. Madam Pomfrey appeared shortly to take a good look at his face and announce that he was free, and he wandered out of the infirmary looking for any familiar face. The first place he found was the bathroom, and the first person he met was Sirius coming out. His black hair was still wet and neatly combed, and his clothes impeccably clean.
It was evident that Sirius knew what was good for him. Never before had Harry seen his godfather so good-looking. He studied the cloak he wore with suspicion. It fitted well and suited him, but if Harry knew Sirius at all the strict cut and the high collar weren't exactly his stile. He avoided thinking who the only member of Hogwarts stuff with the same size, complexity and age as his godfather was. After all, Snape never appeared with freshly washed hair, or with a faint smell of bath foam around him. Harry sniffed the air before catching Sirius's ironic grin.
"Slept well?" he asked. Harry nodded. In spite of the smile there was an aura of pure exhaustion around Sirius. All the things left unsaid the night before came to Harry's mind, but he found the intimate silence and his godfather's heavy hand on his shoulder too comforting to bring up the subject. This time it was Remus who interrupted their silence.
"Nice to see you are having fun when everyone is waiting.. You think only because you're celebrities everything is allowed?" Sirius groaned and took his arm from Harry's shoulder.
"First Dumbledore and now you?"
"I what?"
"Can't live without a hero? I wish everyone would drop talking about how great the enchantment was."
"What's wrong with it?"
"Do you know what preparatory spells it uses?"
"The Fidelius Charm and some others." Lupin answered without blinking. Sirius shot him a quick glance. "Dumbledore told me," he elaborated further.
"And what other priceless knowledge did he share with you?"
Remus looked good-naturally at his friend, not noticing or choosing to ignore the biting edge in his voice. "That it's probably the reason you are insisting point-blank on denying everything that happened." He kept a carefully straight face.
"And what happened?" Sirius suddenly turned around to point accusingly at him. "You weren't there! He wasn't there! He has no idea what happened! I tried…" he choked on his words, "I tried as much as I could but I couldn't control it… So I threw it at Harry… It's a miracle we're all alive, okay? It's a bloody miracle, and not something I did. Stop talking about things you don't understand."
"I was there." Lupin stated so calmly it seemed intended to upset Sirius even more. Harry frowned. He didn't understand the reason but supposed that Remus did, and that the Fidelius charm had indeed something to do with everything. That Sirius was simply feeling guilty for not being able to protect him yet again and not conjuring a perfect charm at his first try wandless and after being tortured simply didn't occur to him.
"I was reading the Prophet back at my place when I heard you screaming my name. I didn't even have time to stand up and suddenly I was at Hogwarts, and you too, and you were staring at me like you saw a ghost and looking very relieved all the same. Then you... I think you went back to the real world for an instant, and than came back and called for Snape. I guess I should feel flattered you chose me before him." Sirius didn't return his smile. "I know it's hard on you, I know you didn't want it, but now it's done. And it's not only your choice anymore." Even as Remus was talking Sirius closed his eyes and shook his head.
"You are wrong. It's my choice, and only mine. And I can't do it. I don't want to… It's about the Fidelius too, but not only. I don't want another of my decisions go wrong. I couldn't stand it. I've had enough for my whole life."
"James and Lily are dead, Sirius, dead! You can't spend the rest of you life dwelling on something that happened fourteen years ago!" Harry looked at Remus in amazement, not because he normally avoided the topic of Harry's parents in front of him, but because the stale notes in his voice were so unlike the kind and patient teacher he knew. "You couldn't stand making a mistake? What about the lives you could save by making the right choice? You aren't doing anyone a favour, you're just hiding away! If living in a hole and drowning yourself in misery is what you want, suit yourself!"
Sirius' eyes shone with something Harry wasn't sure he wanted to put a name to. His hands closed in fists and he made a step toward Lupin. For a moment Harry truly believed he would hit him, but he stopped an inch away from his chest.
"You want me to move on? You want me to forget something that happened fourteen years ago? Do you know what I did during the first twelve?"
Remus' eyes travelled down to the white knuckles of Sirius' fists and back to his face. He didn't back off.
"Do you know what it's like, to replay that conversation over, and over, and over, every minute of every hour of every month…"
"Stop it."
"Of every year?? When I was lucky I didn't understand its meaning anymore. Do you know what high security means? It's their feeding place. They can come when they want, and they lean on the door to get closer, and you crawl in your corner and try to make the distance five steps instead of four and a half. But then you have to come to the door because you have to get the food and you build up courage for hours and wonder why you have to do it and why you're trying to stay alive when you pray to die every time you get there."
"Stop it!"
"Do you know what happened when I got to the door? I could smell the coffee Lily made that day. I could see Harry crawling on the floor. I could hear James saying… He said "sure thing, Padfoot," and it was funny because I was always so close to loosing it at that point but I always knew what those three words meant, and I sometimes crawled to that door just because I wanted to remember…"
He suddenly froze. His hands slowly relaxed. He turned around and stormed away from them without looking back. Remus' face was snow-white and completely deprived of expression. He managed a couple of steps down the corridor before catching Harry's shocked look. Then he leaned on the wall and covered his face with his hands.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "He makes it so easy to forget sometimes. And there's nothing I want more, and I fall for it. I know it was cruel, but I… I couldn't think of anything else. He was the one who used to brighten up everyone's day. I miss him so much."
Harry didn't find anything to reply. He was depressed by Sirius' words and by the sight of two friends deliberately trying to hurt each other. The descent into darkness Sirius described wasn't made lighter by the fact every word of it was aimed at hurting Remus. Everything he said had been true, and it was only a tiny piece of the deepest nightmares he alone knew. Remus was right: he did make it easy to forget sometimes, and even more for Harry. Part of it was a deliberate effort to hide his worries, and part the simple fact that Harry, hadn't known his godfather before Azkaban, tended to compare Sirius' image to his first impression of him. Compared to that everything was a huge improvement, and it never occurred to him that even a healthy, clean and recovered Sirius was only a shadow of the daredevil and always smiling boy who used to be.
He looked along the corridor Sirius had disappeared into. Remus guessed his thoughts and touched his shoulder.
"Leave him. He's probably lamenting having said too much already. He'll be back and feeling sorry for getting you into all this in no time."
Harry followed Remus silently, walking the already familiar path to Dumledore's office. The closer they got, the clearer it became that he had another pressing problem. There were parts in the last day adventure that only he knew. The problem was, he seemed to not being able to remember them. And he couldn't remember forgetting about it. When he woke up everything made sense, but somehow that knowledge dissolved in the brightness of the day much like dreams do after you leave the bed. The only thing he had was a memory of a memory. Something about fire and heat and incredible power all around him.
The room was full of people. Smiling faces surrounded him, asking questions, exchanging opinions, saying how great and brave he had been. Harry looked around and saw Severus Snape, staying slightly apart from everyone else. His heart skipped a beat. Reluctantly, but knowing that nothing else would go he walked over to his teacher. Snape noticed him, but pretended to ignore Harry until they stood looking directly at each other.
"The voluntariatum in your wine was my work. I'm sorry. It was supposed to be a joke, I never intended for this to happen." Snape continued to stare above Harry's shoulder, and Harry wasn't sure if he expected something more, or whether he saw him at all. He licked his lips, realising he wasn't going to receive an answer. Well, he didn't really expect one.
"You could at least answer something." One glimpse to his left confirmed the words came from Remus. "He's not saying it because it's the noble thing to do, or because he's supposed to, or because he's a Gryffindor. He's truly sorry. Surely that counts for something?"
Snape's eyes travelled wordlessly from Harry to Lupin. "What do you know about being sorry?" he spat out.
"Everything. And if it's our school encounter you mean I'd have apologised to you many times over had I believed you would take it for what it was and not for another twisted joke..." Again, Snape said nothing. Remus signed and turned back. Snape's face twitched suddenly.
"Forget it, Potter." Harry looked up in surprise, but it was clear it was about all he would hear, so he walked over to Remus.
He was relieved to see Sirius was also there. "Feeling sorry about something you did to Snape is a loss of time and energy. Believe me, I know," he whispered to Harry. Remus shot him a reproachful look, then seemed to remember his friend's previous outburst and changed it into a reassuring smile. Sirius hesitated a little, but finally returned it. "And what do you have to ask him forgiveness for? Being born? Everything that had happened was my fault. For a change." He signed.
"Are you going to apologise?"
Sirius' reply, or the lack of it was covered by Dumbledore's words describing the events of the previous day. Harry absently marvelled at how he was still the driving force behind the order. Everyone already knew the most of the story, but they listened to his words with deep attention. Harry wished he could do the same. His mind was presenting him with hundreds of broken images and memories that he couldn't place. His gaze fell on the closed book in the centre. Between its pages was something. Something that hadn't been there before. Images of the book closing flipped through his mind but brought no explanation.
"There's something inside," he pointed out. Dumbledore went quiet. Every head turned from him to Harry, than to the book. Dumbledore who took a step forward and opened it. Laying inside was the Porkey.
"Malfoy had it..." Sirius started to say but stopped.
The Portkey wasn't the only object that came out of the book. Dumbledore laid the medallion aside and picked up something else. It was a wand.
Everyone's hands reached automatically in their pockets, and Harry was no exception. He had managed to find his wand in the darkness in the island, now was pleased to find it in the pocket it was supposed to be.
Nobody claimed it. Finally Gary Ollivander, the nephew of the wand maker, stepped forward and took the mysterious wand from Dumbledore. "An enigmatic design. Eleven inches, ebony, a hair from centaur's tail - very uncommon combination. Certainly not one of our creations," he said with authority.
Lupin's hand trembled slightly. Sirius didn't move, but something in his posture changed imperceptibly.
The young Ollivander waived it but nothing came out. He waived it again with the same result. At his third try Remus stepped out and took it from him. It wasn't clear what he expected to accomplish. He didn't try any spells; the wand laid inert on his open palm. He stroked it with the fingers, and his face acquired a very strange expression. When he looked up, it was Sirius whom he searched with his eyes.
"Padfoot." He held it out.
Sirius took it hesitantly, and his fingers caressed its surface exactly like Lupin's did, except that his hand shook and his breathing became quick and uneven. "It's my wand. The one they took when they arrested me." His voice broke.
"How did it get here? A summoning?" Sirius stared back at the man who said it with utter confusion.
"It was broken." He offered darkly.
"It's completely impossible... How sure you are it was destroyed?"
"I'll sooner believe in the possibility of Materializing a wand out of nothing then in Mad-eye Moody failing to finish the job he started," Sirius returned. He lifted the piece of wood, trying it out. "It's mine."
As if with those words the impossible became true and the wand finally recognized its owner a shower of fireworks exploded from the point of the wand.
"Watch it!" shouted Arabella to no avail. The wand was shaking uncontrollably in Sirius' hand. First the pedestal, then the walls and the floor of the room began to shake as well. In the distance a series of explosions announced the end of windows, bottles and glasses. Sirius was the last one to expect this reaction; he held the wand as tightly as possibly and away from his body until the little earthquake was over.
"It's got to be a joke, right?" Arabella said hopefully, and silence filled the room when Sirius solemnly shook his head. She breathed. "Then whoever did this was either very brave or very stupid. Having you back was exciting enough, but Sirius Black with a wand..."
Some people laughed. A delighted, unbelieving grin was appearing on Sirius' face.
"Don't you dare to insult my wand. I feel the urgent need to try it out." He was still gripping it tightly with his left hand. He passed it to his right, and another series of sparks came out.
"You won't dare."
"I think I have already." He grinned guiltily. "Sorry, it reads my mind before I actually think of the spell."
Arabella looked around, at her hands and behind her back but saw nothing. "Liar," she started but realised he wasn't bluffing from the looks she received. A look of suspicion crossed her face and she lifted her hand. Instead of hair her hand found leaves and flowers. Rose blossoms crowned her head. Far from feeling flattered she let out a scream.
Sirius chuckled. "Beautiful and untouchable. Appropriate, don't you think?"
"Make it back!"
"No counterspell, sorry."
"What?"
"Not that I know of. But Remus will tell you our patented secret on getting it out if you ask nicely."
Remus glared at him with murderous intent, but Sirius had already lost the mischievous look and was staring back at his wand with the expression of being thousand miles away. "I'll fix your windows," he said to Dumbledore and disappeared from the room.
Arabella went directly to Remus, and she wasn't the only one interested in what he had to say. Snape, too, shifted discretely in their direction.
"I'm happy to see everyone is having fun, but the question is still unanswered." Snape, Remus and Arabella immediately turned at Professor McGonagall's strict voice. Harry marvelled at how after so many years she managed to control them all. "Who and how and to what purpose put this objects in this -heavily guarded, I must add- room?"
"Materialization..."
"Making a new wand from nothing at all? If you managed to pass Transformation -and you all did- you should know that materializing anything beyond basics is pure theory."
"The Phoenix…"
"The Phoenix Enchantment is not an universal trick to bypass the laws of nature. It can't do something we can't, and nobody I know of, and certainly none of the here present possess the knowledge to materialize a wand. It can't be the result of the enchantment."
"The Phoenix is more than just sum of powers of the members of its Order." The words came out of Harry's mouth but he felt like they weren't his, that he was just repeating something… And then he remembered. "He created this. The Phoenix. It's real, I saw him, it was made of fire…" Harry hung on the memory, afraid that the image could be gone again. He was acutely aware of everybody's eyes on him and of his own lack of ability to explain himself. Then it occurred to him that he didn't have to. The message he had was for Sirius. He turned around and run out of the room.
He was a little surprised and immensely relieved that nobody followed. He climbed the steps to Dumbledore's office and pushed the door. Sirius was sitting on the edge of the massive table, quietly mustering the piece of wood he held with his both hands. He startled as the door closed with a bang behind Harry.
Harry crossed the space between him and his godfather. The words were on the tip of his tongue, instead of saying them he ended up asking: "How do you know it's yours?" in somewhat accusing tone.
"Do you know what the most difficult part of becoming an animagus is?" Sirius answered the question with another question. Harry stared at him, relieved that he didn't seem offended. "You won't find it in any book on human transformation." He shifted to sit more comfortably on Dumbledore's table. "We figured it out in our fifth year, Moony told you that. We could transform at our will, but there was a problem. We had no idea what to do with our clothes."
Harry had to snort at that. He couldn't see the connection between being an animagus and recovering a wand, but the idea of Sirius and his father running undressed around the Forbidden Forest was rather hilarious.
"We figured it out eventually, a combination of a shrinking charm and secondary transformation, but not before your father got a highly embarrassing Howler informing him he wouldn't get any new sets of underwear from home. Ask Snape if you don't believe me, it was his most glorious hour. I still don't know which is the right way to do it. Bottom line is, you can risk loosing a pair of cloaks, but you can't risk your wand. But we had to take them with us."
Sirius stood up and transformed silently. The great black dog looked up at Harry, the lock of hair hanging over his eyes exactly like it did over Sirius'. He was carefully holding the wand between his teeth. Matching the position of Padfoot's fangs run a line of scratches worked into the wood by years of use. Very carefully Harry took the wand from him.
So his memory had been true. "The Phoenix said it would make you believe. He knew you wouldn't want to. He said he would be waiting for you."
Sirius transformed back but said nothing. He just nodded silently and walked to the window, watching the white snowy tops of the Forbidden Forest. Harry left the wand on the table and came to stay near him. It wasn't the right time, but there would never be a right time to do this. He had already apologised to Snape. Talking with Sirius should be easier, but as he opened him mouth he realised that it was going to be much more difficult.
"I am sorry. I got you into all this. The Order of Phoenix, the prank on Snape…" he said softly. "I thought he would kill you. I thought he would kill us all." He wasn´t sure he dared to say the fearful name aloud right than.
Sirius' eyes never left the dancing snowflakes outside the window, but he extended his arm to rest it on Harry's shoulder. Harry blinked heavily and looked up to give Sirius his best "I-am-okay-so-don´t-get-all-mushy" smirk, but felt himself being pulled and suddenly his face was buried in the folds of Sirius' cloak, and his arms closed tightly around Harry's shoulders.
He was so startled his first impulse was to fight free, but Sirius stepped back with such guilty quickness he realised he was doing something incredibly stupid. It was just a hug, for God's sake, only a little, normal, common hug every kid got from his parents about once a day. He forced himself to relax.
"You couldn't have know any of it, Harry. And even if you did it wouldn't have matter. It wouldn't have matttered even if you did it on purpose, or put Snape inder Imperius yourself, or handed me over to the dementors, or became a Death Eater."
"I'll never become a Death Eater and I'll never hand you..." started to protest Harry.
"I know. But I'd still love you even if you did."
Harry's arms surrounded Sirius's neck and hugged him tightly, and they stood there for a while, saying nothing. The last words filled all Harry's thoughts and he tried to understand why in spite of sounding so wrong they felt so right. He found no answers and finally pulled away, mumbling something about going to the Gryffindor tower and hurrying out of the room.
He didn't want to go back to the meeting again, and the excuse he made up in order to flee from Dumbledore's office suddenly turned to be a good idea. He hadn't seen Ron and Hermione in what seemed years. But walking along the familiar corridors his mind was still back there, thinking about the embrace he and Sirius shared and about why he had to screw it up by running away.
He was too old for such childish demonstrations of affect, or maybe too inexperienced in the complicated art of being loved. When Mrs. Weasley hugged him after the Triwizard Tournament, she did so because she wanted to calm him, and because that was what she did when she had to calm Ron, or Ginny, or the twins. Sirius didn't have seven kids who had to be hugged on regular basis. When he did, it was only because of him, Harry. "He may even love you strong enough to forgive you." And now Harry knew for sure he did.
Ron was sitting alone in the common room. He greeted him happily, but made no fuss over the fact that Harry was back and Harry guessed that whatever version of the events Dumbledore told the school, it wasn't nearly as impressive as the truth was. It suited him fine. He didn't want to discuss that topic just yet.
"Where's Hermione?" He asked, and watched in surprise as Ron's freckled face changed its colour.
"She went home. Finally told her parents about You-know-who and you and... that people have died. She said she wanted to wait for you but didn't want her parents to have a fit, so she left with Hogwarts Express this morning."
Harry was surprised by his friend's cutting voice. He was sad he had to spend the Christmas without Hermione and sorry he didn't say her good-bye, but surely talking to her parents was more important. They had been trying to persuade her to tell them since she confessed they didn't know. He pointed that out to Ron. To his surprise, Ron's face not only didn't recuperate its normal colour, it turned so red it matched his hair.
"Right! We have been trying to persuade her for month, and do you know why she finally did it? You think it was us? Open your eyes! She received a letter form Vicky!"
It took Harry a while to realise what Ron meant by that.
"Us or Viktor Krum, what does it matter? I'm still happy for her…" The discussion was threatening to become rather heated, but it was interrupted by Ron's brothers coming down the stairs.
"Seen our parents out there?" George asked in a way of greeting. Fred felt compelled to elaborate. "They said we had to go home, too. You know, the rumours about You-know-who and so, they want to have us all together so they can watch our every step. Bill and Charlie are coming, too."
"But we said we weren't coming without you." Ron concluded.
"You missed the train?"
"We figured out they'd have to come, and that would be a good opportunity to talk to Dumbledore and convince him to let you come."
Harry was thankful for the gesture, but privately didn't believe Dumbledore would let him put one foot outside Hogwarts grounds after what happened.
The portrait hole opened and the three Weasleys jumped to their feet, but it was Remus Lupin who walked in, greeting them with an affectionate smile. He successfully dodged Ron's question concerning his presence at Hogwarts and was immediately bombarded with a storm of complains about Snape's DADA teaching abilities. Harry sat quietly in the corner. He supposed that Remus wanted to talk to him and was thinking how to do it without the twins noticing.
The solution came quite unexpectedly. The portrait swung aside again, and Sirius' head appeared in the opening. He looked around, beamed at Harry, noticed Remus and the three Weasleys and stepped in.
"What the hell he thinks he's doing? Dumbledore said only the third floor…" There was still a minuscule opportunity the twins wouldn't see him if he disappeared instantly from the room… But Sirius ignored Harry's frantic waving, closed the portrait behind him and walked over to Remus.
"Good to see you're still in one piece, Moony. Arabella hasn't lost her sense of humour?"
Remus choked on the phrase "but he does know a lot about the Dark Arts" and started to turn around very, very slowly, looking away from the twin's identical did-he-say-what-we-heard expressions.
"Hm, thanks," he answered and managed to sound like a respectable professor. His dignified demeanour was almost perfect. "She took it well, but she'll still be after you when she's done washing her hair with butterbeer five times. And she won't be the only one." He added casually, shooting a quick glance in the twin's direction. Fred let out a strangled sound. George's mouth silently gesticulated the word "Moony." Harry had to admit it; Remus knew how to loose graciously.
"Snape did hear? About time... I wish I saw his face…"
"I can't believe he's doing it on purpose. He knows they know about Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. I told him himself. He knows they have seen his wanted picture hundreds of times". To be honest with himself Harry had to admit Sirius didn't look like his wanted poster anymore, even since he went to live with Remus. Except for that look in his eyes... Now that look was gone, and it was surprising to see how different Padfoot's eyes in reality were. Still black, but unsettlingly bright.
"You are perfectly welcome to do it now. A wonderful opportunity to try out the duelling properties of your wand, I must add." Having already been exposed in front of his ex-students Remus was shamelessly playing along and enjoying every bit of it.
"I can't believe they both are doing it. This is not happening."
The expression of the twin's faces was priceless.Ron had stopped trying to suppress his laugh and had sunk to his knees, shaking with silent waves of laughter.
"Moo-ny…" Fred pronounced slowly, tasting Remus new name and identity. Harry imagined what he was doing; trying to picture the calm and composed Hogwarts teacher crawling through the secret passages of the castle and experimenting with Professor Snape's hair. He finally gave up, made a funny face and turned to Sirius.
"Wormtail, Padfoot or Prongs?" Sirius opened his mouth, but than a wicked grin spread across his face and he shook his head.
"Would be too easy, wouldn't it? You figured out the password…"
"It took us month!" George protested. "We had to look through the whole section on maps and spirited writing before we found the book you signed, and than test every revealing spell on every page to find the password!"
"And when we found it we realised how stupid we were, we could probably guess it by ourselves but we didn't even know what was on that parchment…"
"Worth it, wasn't it?"
The twins nodded solemnly. "Worth every minute we spent locked in the library, Mr…?" Sirius shook his head again.
"You parents are talking to Dumbledore, so why don't you go find them? Not one of my subtlest hints but we have a business with Harry here."
Shooting Harry murderous glances the twins moved through the hole, dragging their youngest brother with them. Harry doubted very much they'd get something out of him; Ron enjoyed paying them back a little too much.
Sirius and Remus dropped in chairs on both sides of Harry.
"Arthur Weasley is indeed with Dumbledore, and he'll probably get what he wants. You are lucky to be friends with the biggest wizard family there is. Highly unlikely anyone will dare to attack a house of ten. He'll have to set some hell of a wards, of course."
Harry gave a little victory yell. "I'm spending the Christmas at the Burrow? And the whole holidays?"
"Well, maybe not the whole holidays. Depends on Remus."
"False. Depends on Dumbledore."
"It's your house, you're free to invite whoever you want there. Dumbledore has no voice in it. Please? You won't deprive an old friend a roof over the head. I can sleep in the shed.., it won't be the first time…"
"Do you plan on making Harry too sleep in the shed?"
"You can be cruel to me, Moony, but I never expected you to be able to do something like that to James' son…"
Harry listened in awe to this exchange. Were they speaking about what he thought they were?
"Enough. We have discussed this before. You can be his godfather, I still trust Dumbledore much more with anything concerning Harry's safety. Specially now. Ask him, and if he says yes you'll have all the sheds you want." Sirius tried to put on a hurt face but then thought better of it.
"I asked him already. He won't let him come as long as there's not enough protection." He seemed suddenly fascinated with the fireplace.
Remus looked at his friend with confusion, and suddenly began to shake with silent, merry laugh.
"I adore this man. I admire him so much I think more is impossible, and than he does something and I admire him even more. I was wondering how he was going to trick you into it, you know? Wasn't sure even he could. A great man, Dumbledore."
Sirius grinned guiltily. "Three days to read the book, two days to try it out, one day to convince Dumbledore I have mastered the enchantment. By New Year eve." He was counting on his fingers.
"Don't ever dream of it. And don't forget to ask Harry before you kidnap him."
Harry didn't make himself wait. "Are you kidding? I'd love to come."
"You go with the Weasleys for now, than. Padfoot and I will pick you up, if he behaves."
The portrait swung aside and the twin's cheerful voices called in unison "Nice to meet you, Padfoot!" Ron's protesting sounds were to be heard in the background.
"Were we such a pain, Moony?" asked Sirius as he stood up.
"Worse." Remus answered solemnly and walked to the hole, trying to acquire a part of his lost dignity before facing his ex-students.
Harry was the last one to exit through the hole. Walking down the corridors back to Dumbledore's office he was unconsciously falling behind everyone else, deep in thoughts about everything that happened in the last two days. He felt more happy and in peace then he had in a while, but a part of him wondered if wasn't inappropriate in the face of the last events. Still, he couldn't avoid it. He would spend the Christmas at Weasley's, and then maybe with his godfather and Remus. He was also glad he had talked to Sirius and Snape. Specially Sirius. And the conversation with Dumbledore… He wasn't glad about that part. Relieved was a better word. So he wasn't the Phoenix. Better for him. No need to worry about saving the world and getting a detention in the process.
He was so absorbed watching Fred and George trying to confuse Sirius he didn't notice Remus falling behind as well and walk silently at his side.
"The Gred and Feorge trick. They did it to me the first day I had them in class."
"Did you fall for it?"
"Completely. Harry?"
"Yeah?"
"You don't remember what happened very well, do you?"
"No. Only it telling me it was the right decision not to use Avada Kedavra, and about the wand." Now that Harry thought of it, nobody had said a word about the Killing curse, and he himself had completely forgotten about the matter. Maybe it was because deep inside he always knew he was right.
"The first one was for the Order, the second for Sirius. What did it say to you?"
"Me? I'm not in the Order, I shouldn't even have been there…" Harry protested, then stopped. Remus' words triggered the last memory. His weariness, and the impossibility to keep his eyes open any longer. The Portkey and the wand falling down, the Book of Phoenix closing, and the last words that kept eluding him until now.
That's all folks!!! Again, thanks for reading. I am taking a vacation now, and will be back in September. I'm not sure what I'll do next. A Sirius-Remus-Severus hate triangle, maybe. And a rather insane HP/Star Wars crossover I have in mind (featuring Harry Skywalker, Sirius Solo, Princess McGonagall, Remus the Werewookie and many others). If you want something more to read, here are my 4 reasons that will help you to fill that little box that says "review"
1. This is the end!!!
2. Please?
3. Before I updated regularly and was reasonably sure someone was reading this. Now it'll
become buried under tons of other fics. If you managed to find it there I will be happy to
know. Really.
4. You sat through XII chapters of this. You are not insane. There must be a reason. I am trying to figure it out. Help me.
Love
Starshine