REGRESSION
Chapter 3: "You only hurt the ones you love..."
A voice traveled through the emptiness, watery, distorted...
I am your enemy, Shinji Ikari.
"No... you're not the enemy."
I am your enemy.
"Why?"
His word is my law. I am his to command.
"Father!"
Silence.
"Father, you did this to Rei! You did this to Toji! Why?"
"I had a use for him."
"You used them! Just like you used me!"
Just like you used us, Shinji Ikari.
"What? No I didn't! I didn't want to hurt you! Father... made me..."
You used me, Shinji.
"Rei! I don't... Rei, come back!"
Shinji reached out for the figure's pale white hand, but it slipped away. As he looked at his own hand, he saw it drenched in blood. Blood covering a white glove.
"Rei!"
As he looked at his hand, horrified, he realized he was wading in a pool of LCL... he looked down at the pool... and saw a bearded face behind orange-tinted glasses. He screamed into the black void, fear gripping at his mind as he heard his own father's voice in place of his own.
"Rei!! NO!!!"
On the ride back to Misato's apartment, Shinji was completely silent, as was his driver. Shinji felt weak as it was, and could barely muster the strength to look out the window of the car as it passed through the city. Misato pulled up around the final corner before her apartment, and finally managed to say something.
"It wasn't your fault, Shinji."
He didn't respond.
"Shinji..."
"She's dead, Misato. And I killed her... I had to," he finally said. His voice was full of resignation and sorrow that Misato was taken aback, unable to look at him.
The car was silent once again. The early morning sun streamed through Shinji's window, leaving Misato facing a darkened silohuette of her charge. They continued in a forced silence until the car reached the parking lot for Misato's complex.
"I should've died..."
The NERV hospital room was deathly silent, especially so for 0300 hours. Only small streams of light scattered across the room from the window by Shinji's bed. The sharp light seemed to cut the room to pieces, dividing the bed and the floor into jagged pieces. The only motion in the room was a fluttering page of Shinji Ikari's medical chart, which lay at the foot of his bed.
The young boy lay stretched out on the bed, one bare arm at his side, and the other draped over his abdomen. Had his eyes not been fixed on the cieling, one would think him to be peacefully asleep. His chest barely rose with breath, and not a single muscle twitched.
Then, he whispered to the darkness.
"Rei..."
The nurse's scalpel, clutched in his pale left hand, inched closer to his right wrist. Neither his expression nor his position changed as the blade touched his bare skin. In the hall, a light set of footsteps echoed past his door.
"I used you..."
As the small blade started to break the boy's skin, he felt his arm twitch involuntarily.
"I had to..."
The footsteps in the hall grew louder, until Shinji finally let his eyes fall over the doorway. A demure nurse walked casually by, carrying an armload of medical supplies and humming to herself.
Shinji looked back at the cieling once she passed, and froze in place.
"I'm... nothing... no one cares anymore."
A small drop of blood landed on the bed. It was followed by a salty tear, which in turn was followed by another. Then finally, the nurses scalpel fell to the floor.
"Not even worth... dying..." Shinji whispered.
"Don't say that, Shinji... You shouldn't die, and neither should Rei."
Misato grabbed Shinji's shirt collar, turning him to face her. She wore an odd expression, half annoyed, half relieved.
"Things change, Shinji," she said as she opened her door. "Come on."
Shinji Ikari stood before the door of Misato's apartment wearing his plain school uniform. His eyes had not left the floor in front of him since he'd left Misato's car. Misato stood beside him, looked at him for a second, took a deep breath, then pressed the intercom by her door.
"One moment..." responded a quiet, almost tired voice.
Shinji's breath left him. He stood, paralyzed in place. The door slide open and revealed a pale young girl wearing a school-girl's uniform. As Shinji's gaze found a pair of red eyes staring back at him, time seemed to stand still.
Misato managed a smile and placed a hand on Shinji's shoulder comfortingly.
"It's really her, Shinji."
"It... it can't be... Rei?"
Rei Ayanami, First Child, nodded once.
"Ayanami!" he exclaimed, already in tears, as he fell forward and wrapped his arms tightly around her slight frame.
"Pilot Ikari... I am glad to see... that you are well," she stated.
Shinji gripped her tighter, his head resting on her shoulder. "I... I thought you were dead..."
"That is correct, Pilot Ikari."
Shinji paused and pulled back, regarding her for a moment, then looking perplexedly at Misato. She only gestured them into her apartment and closed the door behind them.
Asuka and Kaji were seated next to each other at Misato's kitchen table. The young red-head was leaning up against the older man tiredly while he was reviewing a small red notebook. Across the table sat Ritsuko Akagi, her hands folded in front of her. As Shinji walked slowly into the apartment, his eyes were still fixed on Rei. Everyone elses' eyes, save Asuka's, were on him.
Kaji stood up, letting Asuka slump quietly to the table. "Welcome back, Shinji! How're you feeling?" he grinned a bit. "You look like you've seen a ghost..."
Ritsuko glared at Kaji. "Please... you of all people should realize the seriousness of this."
Asuka spoke up, lifting her head. "Well, I sure don't! Why does Wondergirl have to stay here, anyway?"
Ritsuko started to argue back, but Misato stepped out from behind Shinji and looked down at Asuka. "Because as far as NERV, SEELE and all of Tokyo-3 are concerned, Rei died in Unit 00."
"Which is true," Ritsuko went on. "Commander Ikari, Professor Fuyutsuki and I were the only three people privvy to Rei's... nature." Her face darkened as she took a sip of her coffee. "Four, if you count my mother."
Shinji looked at Ritsuko quizzically. "But... if she..."
Rei, who had remained silent during the exchange, finally spoke up. "I will explain, Pilot Ikari."
"Has anyone seen Doctor Akagi?" Maya shouted out over NERV Command Center.
Hyuuga and Aoba looked at each other for a moment, then Hyuuga shouted back. "She's been gone since 0400 hours, Maya... checking on one of the pilots over at Major Katsuragi's place."
Ibuki sighed inwardly. "Well, when she comes in make sure to let her know her assistance is requested in Cage 07. I'm having trouble with repairs on Unit 01..."
"Will do, Lieutenant," Commander Fuyutsuki replied from behind her.
"Oh! Sir, I didn't know you were on the bridge."
Fuyutsuki nodded firmly. "That's alright, Maya. What's the status of the other two EVA's?"
"Umm... Unit 02 is combat ready, Sir. All systems are nominal. Unit 03 should be ready in a few moments... they're testing the systems now. Although I'm awaiting Doctor Akagi's verdict, my guess is she would recommend at least waiting for another activation test with Pilot Suzahara before sending it into the field."
"Very well, Lieutenant. Inform Major Katsuragi to bring the Fourth Child in for tests immediately. We need all the Evangelions ready as soon as possible... especially considering the recent loss of Unit 00 and its pilot."
Maya nodded curtly. "Right away, Sir."
On the balcony of Misato Katsuragi's apartment, Asuka leaned heavily on the railing as she stared out at the horizon. Her yellow sun dress fluttered in the light breeze.
"She really is a doll..."
She couldn't believe what she'd heard from Ritsuko when she bolted in the door that morning, carrying Rei under her lab coat like a smuggler. She'd explained to Asuka quickly how a dead girl could be standing in her apartment. From the way she'd blurted out her plan, Asuka had realized that Ritsuko hadn't remembered Asuka was there. She was just an afterthought, and it was almost annoying to explain to yet another person that Rei was a clone.
"I can't believe it... she really is a doll..." Asuka muttered to herself, staring blankly over the landscape. "And she's only alive because of Shinji..."
The door slid open behind her, and before she could react, a hand grabbed her wrist. "Asuka, let's go!" Misato yelled as she pulled her into the apartment, car keys in hand.
Toji Suzahara sat quietly in the entry plug of Unit 03. He'd done this only two days before, and he wasn't sure what would happen this time. However, he still felt he was living on borrowed time, having survived such a horrible first experience in an EVA. Knowing this, he chose to face his fate bravely. Besides, Kensuke would never shut up if he heard that Toji Suzahara had backed down from piloting an Evangelion.
"Commencing A-10 nerve connection in three... two... one..."
The indicator lights climbed inside the control box.
"Nerve connection established. Evangelion Unit 03 has been activated."
Ritsuko glanced warily at the monitors. "Any sign of contamination?"
"Negative. All systems green, no external emissions detected," Aoba stated.
A collective sigh filled the air of the control box. "Excellent. Inform the Commander Unit 03 is ready for combat."
"Yes, Ma'am."
"How do you feel, Toji?" Ritsuko asked over the comm as she lookedover at Unit 03's grim visage.
"Fine... my head's still a little fuzzy, but I can see this time. Not like before... it felt like my body was buzzing last time."
Ritsuko grimaced. "And you don't feel anything this time?"
"Nope... nothing."
Suddenly, a red warning flashed into one corner of the main monitor in front of Ritsuko, punctuated by a dull-sounding alarm.
"Doctor! Recon has detected the 14th Angel! It's already broken through the Komagataki defense line!"
"Get Unit 02 ready for launch, and move Unit 03 to launch bay immediately!"
"What about Unit 01, Ma'am?" Hyuuga replied as he punched in commands to ready Unit 03.
"Both the EVA and the pilot are unavailable... we'll have to make due with Units 02 and 03."
A shout came over the comm from Unit 03's entry plug. "Hey! What's going on? It's moving!"
"We're getting you ready for launch, Toji." Ritsuko answered quickly. "An Angel is approaching. I know you haven't had much training for combat yet, but besides you, all we have is Asuka for now... you think you can handle it?"
Toji growled under his breath. "I have to fight with HER?!"
"That wasn't the question, _pilot_," Misato shot back. "You're either ready for combat or you're not. Besides, you'd rather let Asuka win this one by herself?"
Toji was silent for another moment.
"All right... get me out there!"
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AUTHOR'S NOTES
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I'll start of by apologizing for the INCREDIBLY long time it took me to finish this. Part of that is because of the obvious FF.net server downtime, but I've also been going through some tough times of my own. Y'know, yadda yadda broke, blah blah homeless, etc etc.
Anyway, I would like to hear from anyone who would enjoy pre-reading for me. Just to put it into perspective, I've had 2/3 of this Chapter ready for three weeks now... but I was pretty stuck. The doors are open, folks! Let me know!
As a little aside, I just thought I'd mention that I'm trying desperately to keep away from the "fanboy japanese" that plagued my earlier (read: unpublished) works, ie. "Shinji-kun", "sempai", "baka!", and so on. It seems like everyone uses them, but I'm trying to stick to the format of the English Dub of the series. My less serious works (soon to be released!) will probably use it though.
Stay tuned folks!
-Mezzanine
mezzanine@fanfiction.net
NOTE: A NEON GENESIS EVANGELION fanfic.
Rights belonging to GAINAX and AD Vision.
Used without permission.