Bottle of Emotions
Author: T.A. Medley
Category: Anime: Sailor Moon
Rating: PG
Genre: Drama
A/N: Okay, I know I haven't posted in a while, but hey it's not easy posting when fanfiction.net is not up and running correctly. Anyway, hope u like chapter four and I promise I'll try and stay focused next time. Please review… oh yeah… I don't own Sailor Moon, blah, blah, blah…
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I lay there in my bed, with the sheet covering my forehead, listening to the sounds that the morning brought. As the birds sung their songs that awoke the world I could here Chibi Usa running up and down the halls getting dressed for another day of school, Ikuko hurrying my annoying brother and my Father asking where his new tie could be located. Just another busy morning in the Tsukino home. I stirred slightly. Trying to find enough resignation to rise and ready myself for school. When I found none, I decided to roll of the bed and slither to my closet where I school uniform lived, no doubt, collecting dust. I performed my daily routine of washing, combing, dressing as I thought while performing my actions, "It must be the crystal". The crystal made be so hungry, yet without it I haven't an appetite at all. And depression should not make my body fill like I'm dragging along an overweight person, instead of a skinny sixteen-year-old girl. As I sauntered to my vanity to find a hair ribbon, I noticed a picture of the senshi, myself, and Mamoru. Inwardly I wondered how they felt about the current position they bestowed upon me and in return, bestowed upon themselves…
* Rei *
It wasn't easy. It seemed like I was some sort or tyrant, a drill sergeant, or an abusive police officer yelling at Usagi as though she was some kind of common criminal. She made a mistake, I know that, but at that time, in my mind, it was not the moment for rationale thinking. Being rational, is not one of my strong points. Don't get me wrong, its not that I don't think Usagi doesn't need some sort of discipline in her life, it's just, I shouldn't have been the one to give it to her. It wasn't my place. But I'm known for being out of line, and letting my mouth get the best of me, most of the time causing more trouble than good. Maybe I need someone grilling me about my mistakes.
None of us know how Usagi is, we haven't seen her in a week and then some, and Chibi Usa, well she won't really open up. All we know that the crystal is fading, which Ami says expresses Usagi's well being. Which in a more simple term means she is not handling her disposition too well. Partly I blame myself, mostly, almost fully. However, I do blame Usagi. Why can't she be more responsible? Why can't she be more like… me?
I wish I could turn back time, to at least give Usagi a chance to explain herself. That's what we all need sometimes, a second chance. I watch the other senshi at our study sessions. We don't talk or laugh half as much as we used to. In fact, we barely laugh at all. Makoto brings food, and has plenty to take home. Usagi isn't there to suck it down, and in doing so making us laugh. She could always make us laugh, even when we were down. She was and is a great friend. I'm a little late realizing that now though. It's amazing how you can take something for granted, and then miss it more than anything when it's gone. Usagi's a great friend, one of the best friends I have ever had. I guess I just took too long to realize it…
* Ami *
Usagi is weak. She is getting weaker by the day. I can tell, the shine and exuberance of the crystal fades a little more every day. When it shine and light is completely gone, will that mean Usagi will be as well. I haven't told the others the seriousness of this situation. I don't think they understand how fatal to Usagi this can be. Do they understand that Usagi and the crystal are one? Without it will her life force, her energy be in jeopardy?
Rei was so hard on her. But I can't completely blame Rei. We agreed with her and even backed her up. We all did. Even me. So if Usagi does… die… than her death will be on my head forever, and I'll see myself as the girl that killed her best friend.
The scouts and I are all dying to know how she is. She hasn't been to school for more than a week. Usagi doesn't pay attention at school, but she at least comes. She barely ever misses a day. Is she sick, is what I assume happening at this very moment? After our study period, I pull Chibi Usa to the side and ask her how Usagi is doing. I notice the nervousness in her eyes, when she casts them down, and fidgets with the bow on her dress, and says "fine" or "okay, I guess". We're all dying with her, not physically, but emotionally. Our guilt is tearing us apart. Slowly and painfully as our hearts our ripped in two. If Usagi only knew, and I wish so much that she did. If she only knew that for our mistakes, we are suffering with her…
* Makoto *
I deserted her, probably when she needed me the most. I was her protector. I could protector form evil demons, monsters, and anything else this universe threw at her, but I could not protect her from her own friends. I could not protect her from me. She was so nice to me the first day I moved here, to Tokyo. She was the only person who was more than cordial to me after hearing of my reputation. We were on her case so much. But which one of us is the Messiah? Which one of us is so weak from trying to save the world that we could barely stand on our own? Who has the responsibility of knowing that she was a princess and will one day be a queen, a mother, a wife and who now has to struggle with being a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a friend, a mother, and a savior. Being funny and melodramatic is not Usagi's true nature; at least I don't think so. I've seen her so brave, so courageous, not afraid of anything, not even death. I believe she covers up for her insecurities. For her fears of the past, the present, and the future.
I would give anything to take her pain. I can tell she is in pain by how sad Chibi Usa is. She tries to hide it, by making jokes about Usagi, but I can tell, and so can the other scouts. I wish I could just see her, to tell her we're sorry and that we want her back, no, that we need her to return to us. All of us. I miss the way she laughed even when we made fun of her, and the way her eyes sparkled when I brought in food. I miss the aura of her presence. The presence of … happiness? Love? Joy? I cannot say I experience that a lot. Being in solitude, I get lonely. But the loneliness seems to disappear when I see her walk into a room with a huge smile. I didn't think I'd ever miss seeing a smile as much as I miss seeing hers…
* Minako *
I remember when I first met the scouts. They were so skeptical of me. I could tell. But Usagi she welcomed me with open arms. And ever since then, she was there for me. She didn't even have to say anything. She would touch my arm and I know she cared. But Usagi, despite all her downfalls is thoughtful, and gentle and kind, and good-natured. And I would hate to think that it took a minute to destroy sixteen years of kindness that she graced everyone with that she met.
I admit that day I was mad. Usagi was late to the Youma battle, and we all got hurt, but one thing I learned from this, is never confront somebody when you're angry. Nothing good comes from anger, just hate. And truthfully, I wouldn't be surprised if Usagi hated all of us. I hate myself right now for what we did to her. I hate the way I feel whenever I see a picture of her or hear her voice on a videotape. I feel as though this could be one of the biggest regrets of my life. Rei says something is coming, some kind of power that could wipe us out even if Usagi was still on our side. Rei says she doesn't know where its coming from, but its forming, slowly, but not slow enough that we can find some way to stop it. I can't shake the feeling that this has something to do with all of us being divided. Divided we stand, divided we'll fall.
Right now, I don't like myself, but I'm going right things with Usagi and then, I'm going to…
* Chibi Usa *
Usagi, mother, I'm scared for her. Mamoru says she'll be fine. That she'll get over it. But it's been weeks and she still hasn't. She goes to school now. She gets to school late on purpose so she won't have to eat with us. Or so Ikuko-mama won't ask her why she doesn't call Mamoru or why she doesn't talk to her friends. Or why she looks so sick. I want to tell the senshi that Usa-chan looks like she's dying. I want to tell them about what happened to her in the bathroom. I know she was lying, I know she's sick, I know I miss her. Although she was mean and selfish sometimes, she's my mother, and I love her. I can tell Mamoru doesn't believe half of the things he says. He looks worse very day. He doesn't even come to study sessions anymore. He says he's busy, but I know the senshi and their downcast expressions make him think about Usagi and how he… betrayed her. How we all betrayed her. But he feels it's his fault. He loves her more than anything. More than his own life. I can tell he misses her. The way we all miss her. She won't even look at me. I think she's ashamed.
I went into her bedroom a few nights ago. I touched her pillow it was wet. Soaked in tears. I looked at her face. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks red. She crouched into a fetal position, her pajamas falling off her miniscule body. She was so skinny; even I could break her. Forgiveness is a futile thing, but I hope she will forgive us…
* Mamoru *
I can't lie to Chibi Usa anymore. I miss her so much. I can't even concentrate in class anymore and it's like living is a chore. Chibi Usa says she's doing horribly. I can't blame her. Her friends and the one person that is supposed to love her more than anything cast her aside like a filthy rag. She made a mistake, big freakin' deal. We all do, and a friend is some who looks past that and loves the person regardless of their downfalls.
I miss her smile, her laugh, the sparkle in her eye, her soft skin, the scent of strawberries in her hair, but mostly her voice. I miss her whispering into my ear when she'll surprise me afterschool, or the soft sound of the voice of a woman when we would sit and talk about anything and everything. Chibi Usa says she misses us and that she's sick, that she's missed school. So much is happening, an evil is appearing. Rei can sense and Ami can track its strength. It's going to overwhelm us Ami says. I thought our love could stop it. But how much do I really love her when I didn't even take her feelings into consideration on that stupid day that my perfect world was turned upside down.
It's getting harder to sleep and I can barely eat without thinking I see her face outside of a restraunt window or think that I hear talking behind me and turning around and seeing nothing there. I wish Setsuna were, to give us another chance to right wrongs and be the way we were. So much in love.
* Usagi *
I can't help but think they are happy. I hope they are, considering I'm not I hope they are proud of themselves, and I hope Rei is happy, she'll finally get to be the leader.. They want me to grow up, fine. I don't need them to watch my back," Usagi thought while walking toward the mirror that hung on the wall beside her bed. However, when she looked at it a face in the mirror was staring back. A face that was not her own.
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