Homecoming
"I'm not going back," Spike said. Willow had never seen the blond vampire look worse. His eyes were red and he looked exhausted, as if grief and guilt were burning all semblance of life out of him. He'd spent most of the week while Groo's peace talks finished up either alone in his room or talking with Angel.
"What do mean you're not coming back?" Willow demanded. "You've gotta come back. You can't even change back from the beast here without Angel's help. How can you stay here?"
"If I go back I loose my soul," Spike replied. "I'm not Angel, my soul is only here because in Pylea vampires reflect in mirror, can get tans and have souls. When I leave here I'll go back to what I was."
"But… that's good right?" Willow said in confusion. "I mean you're basically a good-guy anyway because of the chip and you won't be all hiding in your room crying anymore…"
"The night I was changed I told Cecily I might have been a bad poet, but I was still a good man," Spike interrupted. "I loved her you know, practically worshiped her, she was my muse, my goddess, my everything. I was nothing to her. The human I had been ran off in despair when she told me that. I found Drucilla, or she found me, she promised me something glowing and glistening, something effulgent, and she took away my soul. Cecily died at my hands but only after hours of begging me for mercy. Without my soul I am not a good person Willow, don't ever think otherwise." "But you help," Willow said frowning. "The chip just stops you from hurting people, it doesn't make you help us." "I hate being alone," Spike said. "To give you a clue how much I hate it, realize I played twenty questions with Harmony, trust me the sex wasn't anywhere near that good. I've learned to need violence; funny I couldn't even talk about it in the old days. Demons are my only outlet with the chip. I'm on your side by default, and that limits my choice of friends." "And then there's Buffy, you know I want her," Spike continued. "I know she'll never want me. The best I can hope for is for her to tolerate having me around, and I'll take what ever I can get. When it comes love I've never had any pride. If I ever got rid of the chip the first thing I'd do would be to turn her. She wouldn't be Buffy, but like I said, I'll take what I can get; you remember my robot don't you? If she were a vampire I'd have a chance with her. And don't think I couldn't turn her. Sure she's kicked my ass more times than I can count, but now she trusts me. She shouldn't, none of you should. I help because it's the best option I've got right now, if something better comes along, don't expect me to even hesitate." "I could curse you when we get back," Willow offered. "Please," Spike replied. "And whatever I say I want once we're back there, remember that's the demon talking, not me. I was a good person once. I never wanted this. Never even dreamed I could become a murder." "I'll do it, I promise," Willow said. "Now let's get to the car, they won't wait forever for us." With Willow and Fred combining their expertise the car drove smoothly from Pylea directly to Angel's garage in the back of the hotel. "About cursing me…" Spike began. Willow made a quick gesture and Spike's mouth continued moving but the sound was turned off. After scowling at her for a few seconds Spike tried to run off, but was prevented by Willow's magic. Silently sulking Spike stopped fighting her and followed the others into the hotel. "What's with man-handling Spike?" Cordelia asked in a vaguely curious tone. "Before his soul went away Spike reminded me of what a soulless vampire is," Willow replied. "I don't want to deal with him until he's got a conscious again. He's too good at acting human." "You're all back," Xander greeted them when they entered the hotel proper. "It's about time, we were thinking about sending in the cavalry." "My duties as Pylean royalty took some time to attend to," Cordelia informed him. Xander rolled his eyes, then took a second, longer look at Angel. "Okay, in Pylea Cordy's royalty and Angel got a tan? I'm glad I didn't go, cause that's just wrong." "Nice to see you too," Angel said. "Willow, Xander would you excuse us for a moment?" "We'd better be getting back to Sunnydale anyway," Willow said. Once the door closed behind the trio from Sunnydale Angel turned to the others. Quietly Fred slid closer to him, making it clear who she stood with in the coming discussion. "I'm going to be looking for a way to make my soul permanent," Angel announced. "I think the last few months proved I can't go on like I had been. This time I'm taking control of my life, and the first step to doing that is making sure that I'll always be in control of the demon." "That's excellent Angel," Wesley replied, somewhat confused by Angel's choice of topics. "We all wish you the best of luck." "There's more," Angel said calmly. "Fred's too deeply involved and too good at this stuff to walk away from what she's learned. She belongs with us. Stop fighting it and hire her." "Angel you can't just…" Wesley began in an 'I'm the boss here' tone. Angel interrupted, his voice soft and dangerous. "When I came back I didn't ask to be in charge because I wanted to show you I understood that I can get obsessed sometimes and I wanted you guys to feel that you had the authority to check me if I lost perspective again. I didn't do it so that Wes could climb back up on that high horse that got knocked out from under him back in Sunnydale. Or so that you could treat me like dirt." "I screwed up after Darla was turned," Angel continued. "I think that's been thoroughly acknowledged, but I wasn't wrong to want to help her in the first place; I won't ever apologize for trying to help someone who is in pain. As for the rest; I've paid for that particular transgression. It's time to move on; I'm done apologizing for it and I'm done with playing games." "At first I would have done anything you asked to win you back as friends, but no matter how completely I gave in to your wishes I never got you to treat me as a friend again. After Buffy died…" Angel's voice caught slightly as he forced himself to say that. "I was on autopilot for a long time after that. I let you make a lot of decision for me because I couldn't see beyond her loss, but I'm better now. It was time to let me have my life back, instead you went back to punishing me for Darla as soon as you were sure I wasn't suicidal. If you're my friends act like it. If not, all you are is my co-workers and I expect you to remember that and stay the hell out of the rest of my life. Either way I'm done with letting you walk all over me, is that understood?"