Disclaimer: Digimon isn't mine. None of the other characters, ideas or plots are mine either. I'm just borrowing everything and no profit's being made. However anything you don't recognise is mine and this fic is mine too. Besides, isn't this fic more than enough to convince you Digimon isn't mine?! ^^;;
Notes and Warnings: This is a Yamakeru/Yakato. Yep, Yamato and Takeru. Shounen ai [boy love]. And incest. Yes, I am aware I am sick, thank you for asking. Any flames will be ignored, as I probably won't stop writing anyway. Also, this fic isn't a lemon and there is no rape. Really all there is are memories and a fic-load of angst...! And I really didn't mean to do this but it was three in the morning, I was tired and I wanted to write something different.... and I really did...! O_o;; Besides, it's not as bad as I thought it would be after all! :) Also /these/ imply memories....
Our children are playing happily together. Or, to be more precise, our sons are playing happily together.
They don't look anything alike, I know that. One is blonde, blue-eyed with a gentle expression; the splitting image of his father. The other is red-haired with warm brown eyes. His expression is kind, but there is also a strength in it that wouldn't be immediately detected. He looks nothing like me, but he holds my digimon, a Tsunomon, in his arms.
He looks like my wife.
"Papa!"
I jerk my head up, but the young voice isn't directed at me. Instead my younger brother gets up from under the tree that is our shelter from the sun and goes to meet his son, who is waving at him excitedly from the pond. My son stands near him, staring into the waters intently, as is his Tsunomon. I watch him go and feel pain wash over me.
"Yamato, are you all right?"
I blink and turn to see Gabumon sitting down beside me, watching me carefully. My partner never misses a thing, and I am a fool if I think I can hide anything from him, for I never can.
"I'm all right Gabumon," I reply softly, my eyes drifting back to where my brother is standing, investigating whatever has come to his son's attention, his nephew -- my son -- at his side. I look away.
"Hmmm." My digimon clearly doesn't believe me, but he doesn't press the issue. We have been partners and friends for a very long time now, and he doesn't press for explanations anymore. He knows I will tell him when I want to tell him.
But can I really ever tell him this? Can I?
/"Do you ever wonder ... what it feels like ... to kiss a boy?"/
The memory creeps up on me before I fully realise it and I squeeze my eyes shut, shuddering as Takeru's voice whispers through my mind. I remember how he looked like then, when he said those words. Young, curious, excited and nervous all at the same time, his azure eyes clear and wide as he looked at me and trembled, while he waited for my answer.
/"I ... I don't know ..."/
I tremble myself now, my hands clenched together so tightly that my knuckles are white. I both love and hate the memories. Love them for what they remind me of and hate them for exactly the same reason.
"Matt..." Gabumon is really concerned now, obviously trying to figure out the reason for my trembling. I shake my head and hold out an arm, a silent order, while I try and get control of the tears that are silently falling down my face.
"I'll be fine."
And I will be. Eventually. Someday. When the pain fades. But now I must look and act fine, for Takeru is coming back and I must always be fine and happy when he is around. I hurriedly dry the tears on my face, but I know it is not enough. I cannot hide the redness on my face, the redness I know is there.
Takeru is smiling broadly when he comes back to the tree. "Tenshi and Kane found a group of Betamon and were busy making friends," he tells me with a grin. Then he sees my blotched face and stops, the smile fading as fast as it came. "What's wrong?" His eyes flicker to Gabumon, who looks at him helplessly.
I finally find my voice. "Nothing is wrong," I tell him quietly, in a voice that is anything but convincing. I know he won't believe me.
"Then why are you crying?" I don't answer, unable to look at him. I can hear him sighing in frustration and I can imagine him narrowing his eyes. A lock of blonde hair falls into my eyes and I brush it away absently. "Patamon," he says at last to his digimon, who is balanced precariously on his shoulder, "you and Gabumon go and watch the kids. Make sure they don't do anything stupid." It is said in a firm, no-nonsense voice that Patamon knows better than to ignore. He flies over to the kids, cheerful and happy as ever. Gabumon gives me one last worried glance, before following him.
He walks over and sits down beside me again. Silence descends on us. I am the one to break it. "I told you there's nothing wrong." My argument is a weak one.
"Sure." He doesn't believe a word I say. Of course, I probably would have been offended if he had. My brother knows me too well.
/"Don't you ever wonder?"/
His voice was lovely when he was a teenager; almost fully deep and getting astoundingly close to his adult voice. The adult voice speaks to me now and usually drives me mad.
/"I ... where is this going Takeru?"/
I had been the naive one back then, not him. I shudder again.
He is alarmed now. "What's wrong Yama? Are you sick?"
I shake my head, but I can't stop the memories on their raging onslaught.
/Takeru creeping closer to me, still wide-eyed ... the feeling of delicious fear in my stomach.../
"I'm fine," I whisper, but he doesn't believe me. And why should he? He places a hand on my shoulder and I tense and he lets it fall back to his side again.
/Takeru's soft gasps ... my hurried breathing ... my brother getting closer and closer .../
For a moment nothing happens and then cool fingers are under my chin and my face is being tilted upwards. Sapphire eyes meet sapphire eyes. I let him look for a very long time and see what is in my eyes. And then he knows.
/"Don't be afraid..." My brother leans in towards me, so close I can hardly breathe .../
His eyes widen as he takes his hand away, realisation dawning in those wonderful blue orbs.
/Then Takeru's lips meet mine and he is kissing me.../
I look away, not bothering to hide the shame that is covering my face in crimson. "I'm sorry. So, so sorry."
/... and I'm kissing him back .../
For a moment he is silent. Then he whispers, "It's all right." He is careful not to look at me and I grimace because of what I have done. I have turned my brother against me -- and for what? A foolish memory that can never, ever happen again.
/... and I'm enjoying it .../
But still...
/... and he's enjoying it .../
...part of me...
/... he wanted it .../
...wants it again.
/... I gave it to him./
I want to kiss and to hold my brother again.
/Then I hold him close to me and breathe in the scent of his hair./
"Yamato?" Takeru's voice brings me out of my memories and I slowly look up at him. His eyes are full of confusion and ... and a flicker, a tiny, tiny flicker of need.
Perhaps it can be more than a memory after all.
"You said... we agreed it wouldn't happen again," he whispers to me. "It couldn't happen again because..." He is unable to finish his sentence, but it doesn't matter to me, because I already know what it is.
"...because we are brothers," I murmur quietly and a pained expression crosses his face. It is nothing compared to what I am feeling.
"I don't know," are his only words and he looks away again.
"Are you so sure?" I ask suddenly and I watch as he freezes. He slowly looks at me and I say quietly, my voice barely a whisper, "Do you ever wonder what it feels like to kiss a boy?" His words once, now mine.
"I don't know." My words once, now his. His eyes look on mine and I can see the confusion in them and the need.
/"We can't do this again..."/
Our eyes continue to send questions and receive answers that only confuse us even more.
/"I know..."/
Takeru starts trembling and I feel a shiver crawl up my spine.
/"We have to forget this ever happened..."/
We close the distance between is slowly.
/"All right..."/
Fuck what we said. That was then. This is know.
Our lips are bare centimetres apart. I put my hands on his shoulders.
Closer... closer... closer... Takeru closes his eyes. Our breathe mingles together deliciously.
"Papa!"
The sounds drags up apart, my hands falling back to my sides. It is my son this time. Takeru and I stare at each other for several long moments and we know it will never happen again. Never. We had agreed to our decision back then. We had moved on with our lives. We had kept the feelings we had for each other hidden and secret. To the others it seemed like we loved each other like we were meant to -- as brothers and that was all. We had got married to loving and loyal women and we had become fathers. We had gone on with our lives like nothing had happened.
But there are times, like now, when one manages to somehow break down the other's carefully-erected barriers and cause this to happen.
We will just have to ignore it somehow.
It can never happen again. Too much has happened. If we hadn't got married, hadn't become fathers... perhaps.
But not now. Never now.
Without a word, I get up and go to my son.
Takeru and I are silent that evening when we leave the Digital World. Gabumon and Patamon are talking cheerfully and Tenshi and Kane are exchanging excited whispers, but Takeru and I are silent, both lost in our own thoughts, thoughts that are probably similar.
When the time comes for us to head to our own homes, Takeru and I don't say anything, only look at each other. Those looks say more than any words can. Gabumon and Patamon say goodbye, as do Tenshi and Kane, but my younger brother and I are silent.
When my son and I turn away, Tenshi waves and shouts one final enthusiastic goodbye, which is eagerly returned. I look back, just in time to see Tenshi's expression. It makes me freeze, in horror and disbelief, for a moment that seems to last several days. The expression is a lot like the one Takeru had worn for me. And it is directed at my son.
I look at Takeru quickly and I know he recognises the expression as well, judging by the panicked look on his face. But I simply shake my head and say nothing. Neither does he. I turn and my son and I walk away once again. We don't look back, although Kane does try. I do not allow him.
I will be fine. One day.
I will get over you Takeru. Someday.
Eventually.
When the pain fades. Of never being able to hold you. Never able to kiss you. Never able to call you mine.
But were you ever mine to begin with?
I will get over you. Someday. I swear it.
But what can we do now, my dear brother, now that it is becoming apparent that your son has a crush on mine... and that my son may one day return those feelings?
The sun hides itself behind the horizon as we walk and twilight begins to
gradually take over.