Tracey's Farewell
Re-write
Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon. Heck, I don't even own the 3rd movie yet! (Hides face in embarassment) All you people who think that I do own Pokémon - You ARE the weakest link! Goodbye! (Anne Robinson...I'd like to see Brock try to hit on her!)
Summary: Feeling cast away by his friends and with his past starting to haunt him, Tracey's more on edge than he's ever been in his life. And one fight with another member of the group could destroy what little will to live that he has...
A/N: Re-vamped and ready for a whole new set of read! ***************************************************************************************************************************
POV: Tracey
***************************************************************************************************************************
"He'll never make anything of himself, because he's worthless!" I heard my father's voice in my head. "He's just gonna be another yes-man trapped in some low-paying dead-end job. He won't even matter to anyone!"
"You won't even give him a chance!" my mother's voice cried back. "He's a good boy, but you won't give him a chance to prove it to you!"
"I don't want anything to do with him!"
"At least try!"
"No! I'm telling you, he should have died back then!"
I bolted up in my bed, my heart and my mind racing. I'd been having the same dream for months now. I was having trouble determining reality from dreamland, it was so bad. But, as I remind myself too many times, it wasn't just a dream. Everything in my dream had happened to a younger me.
Back when I was about seven, my interest in Pokémon really picked up, about the same time as my interest in drawing did. But that didn't go over too well with my father, who wanted me to be a 'normal' kid and get a job as a lawyer, as he was. Of course, that idea revolted me. My mother was never much help, she just kind of hid away as the battle raged between me and my father. I can't say that he was physically abusive...although there were a few times when he did slap me around. I wanted nothing more than to get out of there, but first I had to survive until I was ten.
I almost made it through with little incident, but then, when I was nine, a bunch of kids decided that they were gonna beat me up. Take a wild guess why...yep. My name. Personally, I never saw nothing wrong with my name, but apparently, a lot of people do. Anyway, they beat me up pretty good and when I was walking home, I was really disorientated and wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings and I was struck by a car. I can't remember much about it, but I know that my father sacrificed a lot of his retirement money to pay for an operation that saved my life.
I was so happy to hear that, because I thought that it meant that my father's love had returned and that he was going to start spending time with me and accept the fact that I wanted to be a Pokémon trainer (yeah, back then, I did want to be a trainer). But I was never more wrong in my life. And then I heard that devastating conversation between my parents and decided that it was time that I got out of there. My best friend at the time, a girl named Madison, let me crash at her house until I was old enough to get my trainer's license. Then I left and set out to make a career for myself. Of course, ten years old is still really young, no matter how you look at it. And when you come from the kind of life that I did, you tend to have a low tolerance for violence. So, I changed careers when I was twelve. I don't know how exactly I got into being a Pokémon Watcher, but I know that my passions for both Pokémon and for drawing really helped out. And, somewhere along the way, I developed a bit of an admiration for Professor Samuel Oak - he was the idol of almost every Watcher in the universe.
I thought that I had beaten life when I met Ash and Misty. I mean, they personally knew Professor Oak! I'll admit it, I did kind of just invite myself along at first, but we grew a lot closer as time went on. I tend to keep my opinions to myself, but I honestly thought that Ash was a bit too impulsive and Misty...well, she was just cranky. But they were good people (and I will hold the fact that they like each other for eternity!) and we became fast friends. Or so you would think.
When we returned to Pallet Town, I met the 'other buddy' that I felt that I was constantly competing against - Brock. He didn't exactly leave that good of an impression on me, but after all the things I'd been through in my life, I knew better than to judge by first impressions. But I noticed that suddenly, no one even knew that I was in the room anymore. I tried to hide it, but I was hurt. Really hurt. And after I had - finally! - met Professor Oak, I was practically non-existent. Even during yet another attack by Team Rocket and the - I assume - unexpected return of Gary, it was like no one knew that I was there. And somehow, I felt worse about being there. Suddenly, I didn't want to be there.
I think the professor clued in on it, because after Ash, Misty and Brock had left the room, he took me aside. "You seem like you really know what you're doing," he said. "And I must admit that I am really impressed by your portfolio..." He paused, waiting for me to take in the information.
"I worked hard at them," I said, half flattered, half unnerved.
Professor Oak nodded. "And I can tell that you've waited a long time to actually meet me, am I right?"
I nodded.
"Well, Tracey, I have a proposition for you. As you can probably tell, I am really busy. I haven't had any help with the lab for a long time...but my age is really beginning to catch up with me. So...I would be glad to let you stay here and work as my assistant."
I couldn't believe it. "You want me to be your assistant?" I almost squeaked. I gave myself a good mental kick for sounding so unprofessional in front of my role model.
He just laughed. "Yes, I do," he said. "What do you say?"
I let a huge grin cross my face. "Of course I will!" I said automatically.
I broke the news to Ash and Misty at Ash's big going-away dinner. The only real comment was "That's great....I mean, I wish you were coming with us, but..." from Misty. After that, nothing. Until Team Rocket showed up and I saved the day with my Scyther and my Marill. I got a thanks out of Ash for that one, but not much else. The next morning, they left. I stood there with Professor Oak and Delia, Ash's mother, watching my friends walk away, laughing and telling Brock how much they had missed him and how things had just never seemed right without him. The words cut me like my Scyther's blades. Things had never seemed right? What had I been? Sure, I admit I was just going along with them to meet Professor Oak at first, but I had thought that we'd grown closer than that.
I immediately got the sense that Delia could read my mind. "Tracey...are you all right?" she asked, as if she knew that I was hurt by what I'd just heard.
I didn't know her that well, and she didn't know me that well, so I just nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine," I said.
* * *
A year and a half later, just before my eighteenth birthday, Ash came back boasting his Johto League badges. Misty came back to stop him from making an idiot out of himself, and Brock came back to make my life a living nightmare.
I was at work faxing some documents to Professor Ivy, which I think was the beginning of the whole thing, when he walked in. He peered over my shoulder. "Why on earth would you want to send anything to her?" he said.
I jumped a little. I hadn't seen him back there. "It's business," I said.
"Yeah, I guess so," he said. "I guess it is your responsibility to heed the professor's beckon call. It's not like you would ever not come running whenever he called."
"I work for him," I said. "It's my job."
"Yeah, whatever," he said. He was really beginning to get on my nerves. "Do you just use that excuse to cover up the fact that you weren't good enough to travel with Ash and Misty?"
I looked up at him for a second.
He nodded mockingly. "Yeah," he said. "They told me themselves. They both said that you had absolutely no backbone. They said that they thought it would kill you to ever stand up for yourself. They even said that your Pokémon were nothing compared to mine."
I couldn't stand up for myself, huh? "I may not have an Onix, but at least I got a career," I snapped, surprising myself. I never snapped at people.
He rolled his eyes (if that's possible...) "Yeah," he said. "The professor's yes-man, that's all. You're probably gonna be stuck here for the rest of your life."
I felt like I had just been slapped. That was the exact same thing that my father had used to say about me...that's when it happened. I went nuts. I threw the rest of the papers to the ground and practically flew at that guy, my fists flying. I am never the one to initiate a fight, but I was mad. I was livid. I had been trying to prove my father wrong for close to eight years, and now this...I was completely blind with rage. I had him pinned to the ground when the professor finally ran in and hauled me off of him. "Tracey, stop it!" he cried.
Brock dragged himself into a sitting position. "What the heck is the matter with you?" he hissed at me.
"What's going on?" the professor said, directing the question at me.
"What do you care?!" I nearly screamed at all of them - the professor, Brock, Ash, and Misty. I hated to yell, but I had been pushed way too far. I didn't want to yell, but I just couldn't stop myself. "What do any of you care about me?"
"Tracey, we care about you..." Misty said.
Her tone was soft, and I was inclined to believe her, but I stopped myself. "Yeah, you do now, but what about before?! What about when you're out on the road? I don't matter to you at all then, so why are you suddenly so worried about me now?! Because I've gone psycho? 'Cause I've lost it?!"
"Tracey, calm down, please..." she begged.
The expression on my face must have been a terrifying one, because she cowered away as soon as I looked at her. "Why would I do that? I'm giving your buddy more ammo against me! There you go, Tracey's gone psycho, he's lost it! Now you can ignore me without feeling guilty, not that it's any different!" I spun and stormed out of the room. I practically threw myself onto my bed and burst into tears. I just couldn't believe what was going on...I couldn't believe that I had said that stuff. My head was spinning out of control. I felt upset, angry, sick and dizzy all at the same time.
I heard a knock on the door. "Tracey?" the professor said softly. "Are you all right? Can I come in?"
He sounded worried, but I still hadn't cooled down. "Don't let me stop you," I said, a little harshly.
I felt him sit down on the bed. "Are you all right?" he said, resting a hand on my shoulder.
I couldn't look at him. I'd let my bad side out, and he had been full witness to it. He was probably just waiting to fire me or something. "No...I...no..."
"It's all right," he said. "Just sit up and talk to me. I'm not going to fire you or yell at you or anything, believe me."
I slowly dragged myself up.
"Brock's going to be fine," he said. "You didn't do any damage worth talking about."
I nodded.
"The one I'm worried about is you," he said. "Whatever could have happened to make you snap like that?"
I shrugged. "I don't know," I said. "He was just...getting on my nerves...and then he started...saying this stuff that my father used to say...about how I would never make anything of myself...and how I would always be someone's yes-man, nothing more...and I just flipped out..." I started to cry again.
"It's all right," he said. "We're all entitled to our moments. Brock should have known better than to push it like that. He was asking for it. He just didn't think you'd have the nerve to hit him."
I lowered my eyes.
"You've had a rough life, haven't you?" the professor asked me.
I nodded.
"Well, I can't change any of that, but I can tell you that I'm not judging you by what you do. I think you're a good person, Tracey, and you're welcome to stay here as long as you want."
I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. How could anyone still care about me after what I had done? I just laid back down. I didn't want to talk anymore.
* * *
Three days had passed since the incident. I still felt like the whole world was about to end on me. I had only left my room once in the past three days, and that was to aquire the one thing that I needed to make everything go away. I had been thinking for so long, trying to talk myself out of this frightening thought, but I had failed. Everyone hated me now, I knew it. I couldn't face anyone anymore. There was only one way out now. I knew that it was probably the worst thing I could do, but I didn't care. There wasn't a bone in my body that cared about anything anymore. I just wanted out. I wanted to stop worrying, stop hurting, stop everything. I knew that my father had been right, after all. I wasn't going anywhere. I would be stuck in the same rut that I'd been in for my whole life for the rest of my life. And now I had gone and turned everyone against me by beating up the 'more popular' one. My life as I knew it was over, so why not just literally end my life? I didn't want to think about how it would affect the professor, or Delia, because they would be devastated...but would anyone else? I didn't think so.
Finally, I came to a decision. As of tomorrow, my life was going to come to an end. Soon, I would be nothing but a quickly-forgotten memory.
TO BE CONTINUED...
A/N: There's a prequel to this called "Breaking Down". It basically explains how Tracey got into this bad state of mind, but I haven't finished it yet. So expect to see this fic being updated a lot.
Re-write
Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon. Heck, I don't even own the 3rd movie yet! (Hides face in embarassment) All you people who think that I do own Pokémon - You ARE the weakest link! Goodbye! (Anne Robinson...I'd like to see Brock try to hit on her!)
Summary: Feeling cast away by his friends and with his past starting to haunt him, Tracey's more on edge than he's ever been in his life. And one fight with another member of the group could destroy what little will to live that he has...
A/N: Re-vamped and ready for a whole new set of read! ***************************************************************************************************************************
POV: Tracey
***************************************************************************************************************************
"He'll never make anything of himself, because he's worthless!" I heard my father's voice in my head. "He's just gonna be another yes-man trapped in some low-paying dead-end job. He won't even matter to anyone!"
"You won't even give him a chance!" my mother's voice cried back. "He's a good boy, but you won't give him a chance to prove it to you!"
"I don't want anything to do with him!"
"At least try!"
"No! I'm telling you, he should have died back then!"
I bolted up in my bed, my heart and my mind racing. I'd been having the same dream for months now. I was having trouble determining reality from dreamland, it was so bad. But, as I remind myself too many times, it wasn't just a dream. Everything in my dream had happened to a younger me.
Back when I was about seven, my interest in Pokémon really picked up, about the same time as my interest in drawing did. But that didn't go over too well with my father, who wanted me to be a 'normal' kid and get a job as a lawyer, as he was. Of course, that idea revolted me. My mother was never much help, she just kind of hid away as the battle raged between me and my father. I can't say that he was physically abusive...although there were a few times when he did slap me around. I wanted nothing more than to get out of there, but first I had to survive until I was ten.
I almost made it through with little incident, but then, when I was nine, a bunch of kids decided that they were gonna beat me up. Take a wild guess why...yep. My name. Personally, I never saw nothing wrong with my name, but apparently, a lot of people do. Anyway, they beat me up pretty good and when I was walking home, I was really disorientated and wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings and I was struck by a car. I can't remember much about it, but I know that my father sacrificed a lot of his retirement money to pay for an operation that saved my life.
I was so happy to hear that, because I thought that it meant that my father's love had returned and that he was going to start spending time with me and accept the fact that I wanted to be a Pokémon trainer (yeah, back then, I did want to be a trainer). But I was never more wrong in my life. And then I heard that devastating conversation between my parents and decided that it was time that I got out of there. My best friend at the time, a girl named Madison, let me crash at her house until I was old enough to get my trainer's license. Then I left and set out to make a career for myself. Of course, ten years old is still really young, no matter how you look at it. And when you come from the kind of life that I did, you tend to have a low tolerance for violence. So, I changed careers when I was twelve. I don't know how exactly I got into being a Pokémon Watcher, but I know that my passions for both Pokémon and for drawing really helped out. And, somewhere along the way, I developed a bit of an admiration for Professor Samuel Oak - he was the idol of almost every Watcher in the universe.
I thought that I had beaten life when I met Ash and Misty. I mean, they personally knew Professor Oak! I'll admit it, I did kind of just invite myself along at first, but we grew a lot closer as time went on. I tend to keep my opinions to myself, but I honestly thought that Ash was a bit too impulsive and Misty...well, she was just cranky. But they were good people (and I will hold the fact that they like each other for eternity!) and we became fast friends. Or so you would think.
When we returned to Pallet Town, I met the 'other buddy' that I felt that I was constantly competing against - Brock. He didn't exactly leave that good of an impression on me, but after all the things I'd been through in my life, I knew better than to judge by first impressions. But I noticed that suddenly, no one even knew that I was in the room anymore. I tried to hide it, but I was hurt. Really hurt. And after I had - finally! - met Professor Oak, I was practically non-existent. Even during yet another attack by Team Rocket and the - I assume - unexpected return of Gary, it was like no one knew that I was there. And somehow, I felt worse about being there. Suddenly, I didn't want to be there.
I think the professor clued in on it, because after Ash, Misty and Brock had left the room, he took me aside. "You seem like you really know what you're doing," he said. "And I must admit that I am really impressed by your portfolio..." He paused, waiting for me to take in the information.
"I worked hard at them," I said, half flattered, half unnerved.
Professor Oak nodded. "And I can tell that you've waited a long time to actually meet me, am I right?"
I nodded.
"Well, Tracey, I have a proposition for you. As you can probably tell, I am really busy. I haven't had any help with the lab for a long time...but my age is really beginning to catch up with me. So...I would be glad to let you stay here and work as my assistant."
I couldn't believe it. "You want me to be your assistant?" I almost squeaked. I gave myself a good mental kick for sounding so unprofessional in front of my role model.
He just laughed. "Yes, I do," he said. "What do you say?"
I let a huge grin cross my face. "Of course I will!" I said automatically.
I broke the news to Ash and Misty at Ash's big going-away dinner. The only real comment was "That's great....I mean, I wish you were coming with us, but..." from Misty. After that, nothing. Until Team Rocket showed up and I saved the day with my Scyther and my Marill. I got a thanks out of Ash for that one, but not much else. The next morning, they left. I stood there with Professor Oak and Delia, Ash's mother, watching my friends walk away, laughing and telling Brock how much they had missed him and how things had just never seemed right without him. The words cut me like my Scyther's blades. Things had never seemed right? What had I been? Sure, I admit I was just going along with them to meet Professor Oak at first, but I had thought that we'd grown closer than that.
I immediately got the sense that Delia could read my mind. "Tracey...are you all right?" she asked, as if she knew that I was hurt by what I'd just heard.
I didn't know her that well, and she didn't know me that well, so I just nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine," I said.
* * *
A year and a half later, just before my eighteenth birthday, Ash came back boasting his Johto League badges. Misty came back to stop him from making an idiot out of himself, and Brock came back to make my life a living nightmare.
I was at work faxing some documents to Professor Ivy, which I think was the beginning of the whole thing, when he walked in. He peered over my shoulder. "Why on earth would you want to send anything to her?" he said.
I jumped a little. I hadn't seen him back there. "It's business," I said.
"Yeah, I guess so," he said. "I guess it is your responsibility to heed the professor's beckon call. It's not like you would ever not come running whenever he called."
"I work for him," I said. "It's my job."
"Yeah, whatever," he said. He was really beginning to get on my nerves. "Do you just use that excuse to cover up the fact that you weren't good enough to travel with Ash and Misty?"
I looked up at him for a second.
He nodded mockingly. "Yeah," he said. "They told me themselves. They both said that you had absolutely no backbone. They said that they thought it would kill you to ever stand up for yourself. They even said that your Pokémon were nothing compared to mine."
I couldn't stand up for myself, huh? "I may not have an Onix, but at least I got a career," I snapped, surprising myself. I never snapped at people.
He rolled his eyes (if that's possible...) "Yeah," he said. "The professor's yes-man, that's all. You're probably gonna be stuck here for the rest of your life."
I felt like I had just been slapped. That was the exact same thing that my father had used to say about me...that's when it happened. I went nuts. I threw the rest of the papers to the ground and practically flew at that guy, my fists flying. I am never the one to initiate a fight, but I was mad. I was livid. I had been trying to prove my father wrong for close to eight years, and now this...I was completely blind with rage. I had him pinned to the ground when the professor finally ran in and hauled me off of him. "Tracey, stop it!" he cried.
Brock dragged himself into a sitting position. "What the heck is the matter with you?" he hissed at me.
"What's going on?" the professor said, directing the question at me.
"What do you care?!" I nearly screamed at all of them - the professor, Brock, Ash, and Misty. I hated to yell, but I had been pushed way too far. I didn't want to yell, but I just couldn't stop myself. "What do any of you care about me?"
"Tracey, we care about you..." Misty said.
Her tone was soft, and I was inclined to believe her, but I stopped myself. "Yeah, you do now, but what about before?! What about when you're out on the road? I don't matter to you at all then, so why are you suddenly so worried about me now?! Because I've gone psycho? 'Cause I've lost it?!"
"Tracey, calm down, please..." she begged.
The expression on my face must have been a terrifying one, because she cowered away as soon as I looked at her. "Why would I do that? I'm giving your buddy more ammo against me! There you go, Tracey's gone psycho, he's lost it! Now you can ignore me without feeling guilty, not that it's any different!" I spun and stormed out of the room. I practically threw myself onto my bed and burst into tears. I just couldn't believe what was going on...I couldn't believe that I had said that stuff. My head was spinning out of control. I felt upset, angry, sick and dizzy all at the same time.
I heard a knock on the door. "Tracey?" the professor said softly. "Are you all right? Can I come in?"
He sounded worried, but I still hadn't cooled down. "Don't let me stop you," I said, a little harshly.
I felt him sit down on the bed. "Are you all right?" he said, resting a hand on my shoulder.
I couldn't look at him. I'd let my bad side out, and he had been full witness to it. He was probably just waiting to fire me or something. "No...I...no..."
"It's all right," he said. "Just sit up and talk to me. I'm not going to fire you or yell at you or anything, believe me."
I slowly dragged myself up.
"Brock's going to be fine," he said. "You didn't do any damage worth talking about."
I nodded.
"The one I'm worried about is you," he said. "Whatever could have happened to make you snap like that?"
I shrugged. "I don't know," I said. "He was just...getting on my nerves...and then he started...saying this stuff that my father used to say...about how I would never make anything of myself...and how I would always be someone's yes-man, nothing more...and I just flipped out..." I started to cry again.
"It's all right," he said. "We're all entitled to our moments. Brock should have known better than to push it like that. He was asking for it. He just didn't think you'd have the nerve to hit him."
I lowered my eyes.
"You've had a rough life, haven't you?" the professor asked me.
I nodded.
"Well, I can't change any of that, but I can tell you that I'm not judging you by what you do. I think you're a good person, Tracey, and you're welcome to stay here as long as you want."
I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. How could anyone still care about me after what I had done? I just laid back down. I didn't want to talk anymore.
* * *
Three days had passed since the incident. I still felt like the whole world was about to end on me. I had only left my room once in the past three days, and that was to aquire the one thing that I needed to make everything go away. I had been thinking for so long, trying to talk myself out of this frightening thought, but I had failed. Everyone hated me now, I knew it. I couldn't face anyone anymore. There was only one way out now. I knew that it was probably the worst thing I could do, but I didn't care. There wasn't a bone in my body that cared about anything anymore. I just wanted out. I wanted to stop worrying, stop hurting, stop everything. I knew that my father had been right, after all. I wasn't going anywhere. I would be stuck in the same rut that I'd been in for my whole life for the rest of my life. And now I had gone and turned everyone against me by beating up the 'more popular' one. My life as I knew it was over, so why not just literally end my life? I didn't want to think about how it would affect the professor, or Delia, because they would be devastated...but would anyone else? I didn't think so.
Finally, I came to a decision. As of tomorrow, my life was going to come to an end. Soon, I would be nothing but a quickly-forgotten memory.
TO BE CONTINUED...
A/N: There's a prequel to this called "Breaking Down". It basically explains how Tracey got into this bad state of mind, but I haven't finished it yet. So expect to see this fic being updated a lot.