Finally bored, I got up and wandered around the shops some more. For most of the day, I window-shopped, picking out things that I knew would be best for Heero, and thinking about the items I could wear myself in order to attract him more. Yes, I hadn't left that pretty land of denial behind on the bench.. I couldn't deal with reality just yet.
I tired myself out, walking around so much. I really didn't want to go back to the apartment until I was sure he was asleep, though. Knowing Heero, he'd not go out, so his being asleep was my only hope of not having to talk to him when I got back. /So much work... maybe I should just talk to him.../ I couldn't bring myself to, however. Falling back into reality, harshly reminding myself just how much he must have hated me by then, I flopped onto the nearest bench. After sitting there awhile, head buried in my hands and thinking heavily, I fell asleep.
When I finally awoke, it was rather dark out. I glanced at my watch, and noticing that it was after 10pm, I stood and began the walk back to the apartment. /Maybe he went to sleep early.../ I hoped so, I was exhausted, despite the nap on the bench.
~heero~
I emerged from the daze sitting in the shower, fully clothed, with a small blade in my hand. A panicked look froze my face as I dropped the blade. /What am I doing?/ I looked down at my now trembling hands. /Over that... that.../ My face crumpled again. I couldn't even stand to call him names anymore; any thought of him devastated me. I'd lived so long not feeling anything. Yes, I had emotions, at least ones that helped me perfect my skills as a soldier, but I'd never -felt- anything. Finally.... finally...
I felt the tears once again. /What is this? Why am I crying so much? Do I really care for him that deeply?/ I knew that I did, though. I'd let myself learn to feel.
How could I not, after the many months I'd worked by him? Even when I first met him, I felt something. I didn't know what it was, nor do I really know now, but it was something. Over the elapsed time, I began to know what it was like to actually care for someone. It took forever, and I was very confused at first as to what the feelings were, but finally, one day... /Damn you, Duo! You.../ My eyes clenched shut. I still couldn't bring myself to call him anything. Yes.. I loved him. I loved him greatly.
/I don't know what to do anymore./ My mind suddenly began to race. I had no idea what to do. Everything had gone out of control. /If only I hadn't done.../ I realised that I still had no idea what had happened the night before. I didn't really care anymore, however, I just wished that I hadn't done it. /If only I had stayed away.. loved him from afar maybe.. but now../ Eyes now awash with tears, I blindly searched the shower floor for the blade. I'd been sitting there for hours, under the running water. I knew now what I needed in order to be happy.
~duo~
Finally arriving at our building, I checked the mailbox again. Heero had apparently not come to check it himself, his mail was still there. I pulled it out, not looking at it; I didn't want to see that letter from Relena again. Carelessly stuffing the mail into a pocket, I plastered on a smile and headed up the stairs. /Perhaps I'll take a shower before bed.../ I remembered that I hadn't taken one before I left and really needed one. Reaching the apartment I opened the door and threw the mail onto the desk beside it.
A quick glance around the room told me that Heero wasn't in it. Of course, soon I noticed the shower running and figured he was in there. /Ugh.. he isn't asleep then.. obviously. Well.. I guess I'll go to sleep. Either way, me asleep, or him asleep.. I won't have to talk to him./
I flopped onto my bed and kicked my boots off, falling asleep almost immediately after my head hit the pillow.