/Heero... please be alright!/ I knew I would never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to him. Just the thought of anything so bad... while I was so close... Shaking my head, I put more strength into the pulling, and we finally got the door away from the frame, letting it drop to the side. Pulling at it even more, Quatre pushed in beside me, then past me- what I'd seen the moment I let go of the door had frozen my body in place. /..n..no....Heero..../ My breathing suddenly became very very noticable to me now, each one ringing louder and louder in my ears. My eyes refused to move, lids frozen along with the rest of my body, unblinking. I was forced to stare ahead.. toward the unmoving body of Heero in the bathtub. I don't know what happened next. The scenes that happened after I felt Quatre brush by came like shattered bits of a dream... like a movie that's on when you're falling asleep.. and you really want to watch, but you're falling asleep...
I saw Quatre blink back at me. I saw Heero underneath a steady stream of water, not moving. I saw Quatre move toward me again. I saw Heero.. still unmoving.. slumped over. I saw a small metal object gleaming in the light from inside the tub. I saw Quatre again, his mouth moving in slow, soundless patterns. I saw Quatre shaking Heero- the water had been turned off.. perhaps in a piece of memory I lost... Finally... I saw black. Nothing at all.
~quatre~
/Oh... Duo../ I knew it was bad, but not how bad. I didn't know until I finally got past the door and past an immobile Duo. It didn't surprise me, though. Inside, I knew what was inside the little room was not going to be pretty. Yes, it was a little shocking to see Duo so upset that he couldn't.. or wouldn't.. move, but I didn't push him. I needed to tend to Heero first. Pushing past Duo with a small glance back, I closed my eyes and dropped to the floor once I actually saw Heero. /NO!/ My mind screamed. My heart screamed. Every bit of me shrieked in horror.. and guilt.. and pain. And fear. I could feel Heero's pain earlier- it was what woke me up from that sin-induced slumber.. but now I felt nothing. /...It can't be.../
I looked back at Duo again.. he seemed to have died as well, even as he was standing there. In his eyes was nothing but a dullness that I cannot even begin to describe. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to know what had happened. But I had to be the level-headed one. Running past Duo again, I phoned Trowa. I had to take deep breaths... it was hard to stay so composed in the midst of this, but they needed me to. Trowa would be able to come get Heero and take him to a paramedic.. it would be too risky to go to any random hospital.
I don't know how, frankly, but I managed to explain rather calmly what we'd found in the bathroom, and once Trowa assured me he was on his way, I couldn't help but crumple next to the phone, biting my lip to keep from crying. After a few comforting words from Trowa, I realised that I still couldn't afford this.. this time had to be spent getting Heero okay again. I hung up the phone and headed back to the bathroom. This time I tried to snap Duo out of his daze, but it didn't seem to work. Turning off the icy cold water that now ran over Heero's unconscious /please... please only be unconscious!/ form, I began to shake him... hoping to rouse him that way. It was futile, I knew, but I had to try... With no progress, all I could do was sit next to the tub and wait for Trowa.
~duo~
I remember black.. it was a colour that I was well acquainted with, so I didn't really mind it. It was quite comforting, actually. During the time I was hanging out with Black, I didn't think about Heero. I didn't think about Quatre. I didn't think about the pain I had caused them both. Why Heero would want to die... I didn't know, but I had an idea that he probably thought I'd used him that night... I couldn't possibly think of why it would drive him to such a thing, but then again.. I wasn't thinking about that anyway. I was only thinking of Black. Quatre... how many times had I told him that I loved him more than my very life? He always laughed and pointed out that I didn't seem to have very high regard for my life to begin with.. and we'd laugh.. but we both knew what I meant. Could he possibly know of what had happened between Heero and me? I'd seen death millions of times... Hell, I'd seen Heero in this particular state more than once.. so could Quatre have picked up why this particular time had broken me? It didn't matter. Right then, all that did matter was Black. The next time I awoke, all these thoughts would assault me.. but for that moment.. it was Black that filled my head.
I did have questions. Black had answers, too. Well, it had one answer: Because.
I wanted to know why I was there.. in that room full of Black. Because.
I needed to know why I wasn't with Heero. Because.
I demanded to know why I was being kept there. Because.
But through all of that, I was never angry.. never wishing I could leave. In this place, I knew that my body was elsewhere, holding onto Heero and sleeping in a blissful peace. Even so, I still didn't want to leave. Black was my one true friend, and here it was to sit with me, to chat with me. Black and I go aways back. It's always been there for me, and here it was now. I couldn't possibly stand to leave my friend again.
Maybe there was some sane part of me that knew what was really going on. Maybe that was where those questions came from, but I didn't dwell on it.. I was happy with my old buddy Black.
~quatre~
I moved again.. this time to try and lift Heero from the tub. It hurt to know that I couldn't because I was still tired.. still worn out from the time I'd spent with Duo.. just a few feet away as Heero sat there dying. Not that that was the only reason.. but at the moment, it was all I could put blame on. I hated myself. The sound of a body falling caught my attention, and I turned toward it to find that Duo no longer stood there dazed.. instead laying in a crumpled heap in the doorway.. still dazed, though. Sitting back onto the floor, I held Heero's hand for a while, then crawled over to drag Duo nearby. Positioning him so that I could cradle his limp body in my arms, I leaned against the tub again, listening and watching Heero, hoping for some small miracle to cause a finger to twitch.. or an eyelid to quiver.. something. Tears threatened to come again as my eyes traveled along his face.. eyes red around the outside- they were closed.. so I couldn't see inside.. cheeks puffy.. either from the shower, or he'd been crying.. I had no idea.. His lips were bluish, and I could see smudges of blood that hadn't been quite washed away on his shirt. Inside the tub, the light was glinting off the very instrument used.. the small silver razor laying next to Heero's foot.
I pushed those tears away and closed my eyes. Trowa would come soon. Trowa would come and take Heero to where he could get better. Heero had lived through too much for -this- to kill him. I whispered these words over and over to my love, still unconscious, cradled within my arms. I couldn't figure out why this particular incident had affected him so, but I would comfort him as best as I could... it was sorta comforting to myself, too.
After a while, I'd also fallen asleep, and when I awoke, I was in a small room. Laying on a cot, I nearly panicked as I realised I couldn't find Duo. Trowa sat across from me, in a chair. Offering me a steaming cup, he nodded oh so slightly, then looked off toward another room across the hall. "This is the infirmary." And it was all he said. I took the cup to discover that inside was my favourite brand of tea. It was all he needed to say. From that short sentence, I gathered that we were in the circus' infirmary trailer, and that Duo and Heero had both been taken to where they could be seen to. It answered almost all of my questions. I needed more details, though. I was confident that Heero was receiving care. If not, Trowa would have informed me of that first of all. /If Heero was... unable... to receive care... if Heero had... died.../ I know guilt flashed across my face. I didn't tell Trowa everything on the phone. I only told him about Heero's condition.
With that guilty feeling weighing down my entire being, I raised my eyes from the cup and took a deep breath.
"Where's Duo?"
It cut me.. much like Heero's pain had when I had awakened. Trowa didn't move.. he hardly flinched, but I knew that pain was his. With as calm an expression as ever, he moved one hand to point toward the door.. directly across was another infirmary trailer. I figured he meant Duo was resting in there, and hopped off the cot to go find out, leaving the teacup in my place.