Author's Notes: After receiving tremendous feedback for my Post Gift fic, I decided to try my hand at mocking the many season 6 fics that have popped up everywhere. Oh, by the way if anyone notices my writing seems a little over the top or excessive, that would be a deliberate technique. Just to clear that up. Enjoy!
This is dedicated to everyone who read and reviewed my Post Gift fic, especially Also to Lynne, 'cause she's just such a sweetheart.
Spike staggered along the dark street. Ever since Buffy's death he had spiralled down into a deep well of depression, and would often attempt to drown his sorrows in drink. He fell to his knees and vomited. Suddenly a bunch of female Spike-obsessed writers appeared from nowhere and said,
"Like, oh my God, Spike is so hot when he pukes!"
They then disappeared.
Spike stared. "What the bloody hell was all that about?"
* * *
"Wah. Buffy's dead!" cried Willow.
"Wahh." cried Xander.
"Wahhh!" cried Giles.
"WAHHH!" cried Dawn.
"Wahh." cried Tara
There was a pause. Everyone turned to look at Anya expectantly.
"What?" she asked obliviously. "Buffy kinda sucked anyway."
Dawn stood up. "That's it. I miss Buffy too much, I'm gonna use my don't-have-any-powers-of-any-kind power to bring her back. Yes, despite me waiting and doing nothing for about 3 months, I've suddenly decided to bring Buffy back now."
"Oh no, Dawnie, you can't!" Tara protested urgently. "The law of witchcraft, etc, selfish means, blah blah I'm so boring please Joss kill me off now."
"Good point." Willow piped up.
"Aww! But-" Dawn paused and looked like she was working something out. "...Actually, never mind. I've decided I will....uh, won't bring Buffy back after all. Now, if you'll just excuse me, I, uh, left the oven on."
Dawn began to hastily make her way towards the exit.
"Just a minute." Giles suddenly said. Dawn turned towards him, a guilty look on her face.
"Yes?" she asked nervously.
"What are you doing with that large book, entitled, 'How-to-bring-people-back-from-the-dead For Dummies'?"
"Um...uh....well, it's for uh, a friend of mine. Called, um...Jimmy McJim...jim."
Giles stared at Dawn for a moment. She held her breath. Then, he smiled.
"Alright then, run along!"
Dawn turned and walked quickly from the shop, hardly believing she had got away with it.
"Schmuck." she muttered.
* * *
Dawn went to find Spike, who was currently in the Summer's house raking around, looking at mail, taking clothes and generally doing other various disrespectful and unnecessary things.
Dawn burst in. Funny how - when it's convenient - people are always the first place the other people look, huh?
"Spike!" she called.
Silence.
"Spike! Get your pale ass out here!"
Spike stepped out from the shadows. Dawn wrinkled her nose.
"Why'd you wait so long to appear?" she asked, confused.
"It makes me look cooler this way." Spike explained.
"Oh. Hey, I was wondering something. How come when you're in a house during the day and you stand in direct sunlight coming through a window you're fine, but you black out all the windows in your car? Shouldn't the same rule apply?"
Spike stared at Dawn blankly.
"My cat's breath smells like cat food."
* * *
"So, let me get this straight, Little...uh, bit. Say, what the hell does that mean exactly, anyway?" Dawn glared. "Uh, sorry, got side-tracked. You want to bring Buffy back from the dead using this spell book?"
Dawn nodded.
"I take it you're disregarding the fact that you're have no experience in witchcraft of any kind, you have no power, you've barely read over that book, there's a very high risk involved, if you're caught you'll get in deep shi-"
"Shut up! Do you want Buffy back or not?"
Spike lowered his head.
"Yes." he said feebly.
"And do you want to know if you ever have a shot with her? *cough* nochanceinhell *cough*?"
"Yes." he said feebly.
"Well then you're gonna have to help me. I need someone to protect me if I end up bringing back some psycho loony tunes."
They continued walking through the cemetery.
"Yeah, I got that, pet, but-"
Dawn suddenly stopped.
"We're here." she whispered. Buffy's grave stood before them.
Dawn turned to Spike, pure resolve in her eyes. Imagine the camera zooming right up to her face, ready for her to give a kick-ass line.
"Spike....Tonight is the night you'll have someone to kick your ass again."
Spike looked at Dawn and cocked his head. She smiled apologetically.
"Sorry, I couldn't think of any dramatic scene-ending lines."
Any comments would be greatly appreciated, and would inevitably speed up the production and improve the quality of chapter 2.