A Drill, Some Dental Floss, and .....Jareth?


by Deep Roller


A/N This story makes no sense, and it never will. It's supposed to be funny. Since I have to suffer the consequences of early wisdom teeth, it follow that everyone's favorite Goblin King has to go to the dentist. Well, with some premise.

Disclaimer....uh yeah....Labyrinth is NOT mine. But it could be, if I were a man with a beard who sounded like Kermit the frog. If my first name was Jim and my last name Henson. Right then, onto it!


Jareth was bored, as usual. He was sick and tired of goblins, he was sick and tired of ruling them. He wanted to get out, he needed something constructive to do . Then, he remembered Sarah. What was she doing now? It had been nearly ten years since she had defeated his Labyrinth, denied him, and left with that little squirming. screaming, drooling bundle she called a brother. He wanted to find her again, so he could have a talk with her. Right.....a talk. He peered eagerly into one of his crystals and a building began to take shape.


"Dr. Williams, the patient is ready to see you, now." The receptionist said dully. Sighing, Sarah headed to Room Three and saw her two attendants holding little Billy Meyers to the chair. He kicked and began to scream.

"There's needles! And drills! She'll make me brush my TEETH! HELP!!!!!!!!!!" He kicked and nearly tipped over the tray of shiny, useful looking instruments.. Sarah put a restraining hand on his forearm, a place she knew he couldn't reach with his teeth.

"Billy, listen to me. All we're gonna do is look in your mouth. I promise." She was used to dealing with little kids. She stared at him sternly until he nodded. "Good, now open." Obediently he opened his mouth. She peered inside, and saw that he had not brushed his teeth in what seemed like ages. There must have been a lost civilization in his mouth. She turned to one of her attendants. "Can you reach for the-" this was too much for little Billy Meyers. He screamed and tore out of the attendant's hold, kicking and biting. Once free, he ran down the hall and locked himself in the broom closet.

"Dr. Williams, there's another ten people waiting. We'll get him later. His mother went to the supermarket, I believe. Mrs. Lute is waiting in Room Six." Liz Giles, Sarah's best attendant, was not looking forward to the rest of the day. What a way to spend a rainy Saturday morning, looking at teeth. She knew that Billy was one of the worst patients Dr. Williams had, but the rest were no walk in the garden.

"All right. Sometimes I wonder why I ever even became a dentist." Sarah said with a sigh. "Next is Mrs. Lute, you say? That woman can be so awful. And it looks as though we're pretty full 'till closing time." She pulled on a fresh pair of gloves and headed in.


Jareth looked up at the tall brick building. A giant wooden tooth hung by the front door, swaying back and forth in the breeze and becoming splattered with rain. The lettering on the tooth said: Dr. Sarah Williams: DDS. He smiled as he thought of how surprised Sarah would be to see him. With a grin, he walked into the dentist's office.

It had been over two hours of teeth. Saturday mornings were the worst. Sarah could see no break in sight. When she had a second of spare time, she tried to coax Billy out of the broom closet, to no avail. He was staying in there, and that was final. She couldn't stand around all day, she had teeth to drill.

Jareth was walking through the waiting room door when the receptionist stopped him.

"And where do you think you're going, pal?"

"I'm going to see Sar....Dr. Williams." He said, slipping through his mistake easily.

"Did you fill out the forms?"

"Well....no." He looked puzzled, which was a funny thing for Jareth. Sarah had servants? You had to make an appointment to see her?

"Then you aren't going anywhere. Park it and fill the forms out. Now." That tone brooked no argument. Jareth tried another tactic.

"But you see, I'm..."

"Look, honey, I don't care if your Gorgo the Goblin King. You aren't going anywhere until you fill out these forms. GOT IT??!"

"Not Gorgo. But I AM the Goblin King, make no mistake." Jareth was becoming rather frustrated now.

"Sure, sure. You're the Goblin King. Now fill out these forms, and you can see the doctor. And if I were you, pal, I'd lose the Shakespeare in tights getup. It just isn't IN anymore." She shoved a stack of papers at Jareth who took them and sat down with a stunned look on his face. He hadn't known this was going to be so difficult. What was that about tights?

With triumph, Sarah managed to pry open the broom closet. Billy shrieked and ran out the door, past the open waiting room. Sarah growled and ran after him, fairly shouting. "Billy, get back here! Right now!" He ran in terror, Sarah closing in on him fast.

Jareth heard the noise and saw the little child go running by, yelling his head off. Then he saw Sarah. She had her dentist coat on, and her hair tied back, and she looked a bit older. But she was still the same Sarah. Her face was flushed, and she ran full tilt as she yelled after the fleeing boy. "Billy, get back here! Right now!" And then she was gone. Eagerly, Jareth scribbled over the rest of his forms, allowing some magic to assist him. Really, he could have stopped everything and confronted her alone, but he was curious as to how Sarah's new kingdom worked.

"You have a patient in Room Six, Dr. Williams. He's very eager to see you." Liz said, before running off down the hall. "And where in heaven's name is Billy?"

"I think he's in one of the X-ray rooms, Liz. I'll find him later. Thank you." She waved the woman away before going to Room Six. Hardly glancing at the chart, she went in to the patient. "Now then, Mr. King. How are you today?"

"Oh just fine, now." Jareth said, turning to face Sarah. For just a moment, she was shocked. Then she assumed her dentist face once more.

"I'm not even going to ask how you found me. I think I know. But you're here, you signed in. I have a full office today with a lot of patients to see. Now we can do this the hard way, and I could injure you. But I haven't TIME. So open wide." She leaned over and looked at him with that icy Dentist Stare of Doom.

"As you wish, I might find this....interesting." Jareth said, opening his mouth. Sara made those noises dentists usually make when tending to patients. She looked at his teeth a long time. Meanwhile, Jareth's gaze roamed to the display of sharp pointy dental instruments. He began to sweat and squirm.

"Why Jareth, are you afraid of me?" Sarah said mockingly, recognizing the "I-really-DON'T- want-to-know-what-those-sharp-things-do" expression on Jareth's face.

"No. Me? Afraid of you?" Jareth said fidgeting. His nervous laughter was very unconvincing.

"Oh really? What if I showed you this?" She held a scraper near him, the metal flashing in the light. He screamed and jumped out of the chair. Bolting out the door, he dashed for the nearest room. "Jareth! Get back here! I have no time for this!"

Panting, he huddled in the X-ray room. Trying to make himself as small and quiet as possible, he heard other breathing Suddenly, a voice reprimanded him.

"Hey, this is MY hiding spot! Find your own!" He felt a sharp kick in his ribs, and little Billy Meyers was beating him up. Jareth scrambled to his feet and hastily ran out the door. Billy fell a little way out, as he was latched onto Jareth's leg, biting and scuffling. Turning, Sarah saw them both. She came running like a charging bull.

"She's really scary, she never used to be!" Jareth exclaimed as he ran down the hall.

"Yeah? She wanted to brush your teeth too?" Billy shouted. In a flying dive worthy of slow motion, Sarah tackled Jareth while Billy ran for cover. She sat on him with her knees pressing on his ribcage. She might have been cutting his breathing short, who knew?

"Where are YOU going mister? You haven't had your exam yet! I'm a trained professional, trust me!"

"You're also incredibly strong for a dentist." Jareth observed wryly. "If I promise to go with you, could you please get your knees off my ribs? It's incredibly painful." He said, straining to talk.

"All right, come on. Up you go." Sarah got up and extended her hand to Jareth. He took her wrist and pulled her down, then took off running again.

"You'll never catch me now!" Jareth laughed gleefully, looking back at Sarah. He never saw the metal file cabinet until it was too late.

"Wake up, Jareth. Honestly." An exasperated voice near his ear. "That wasn't so bad. And you did get rid of everyone. And now your teeth are sparkling clean!"

"Whah? What happened? What am I doing..." He trailed off as he saw Sarah, and renewed his struggles to get free. "And why don't my powers work here?"

"Because the powers of the dentist are so STRONG Jareth. They over rule any others. That means...you're mine! We had to do some extensive drilling and flossing. So I want you to keep it up." She put her hands on her hips and looked at him sternly.

"Floss? What's floss?"

"It's this stuff." She held up a string of dental floss. "See, it's even minty."

"But, Sarah, the goblins will make fun of me! I can't do that!" He grumbled as he saw her piercing dentist Stare Of Doom and held out his hand for the floss. He gave it a weird look as she showed him how to use it. "And humans actually DO this?"

"Yes, it keeps things from their teeth. Now, I want to see you back here in a month, so we can finish up." She dismissed him with a cheerful wave, giving him a "I Can Brush!" smiley face sticker and a bag of dental floss and tooth paste.


When the owl reached his underground, he went into the washroom. Changing, he brought out the things he had gotten from the dentist. For some reason, Sarah's kingdom was taking a handle on his mind. He had a strange compulsion to return in a month for a regularly scheduled visit, much as he didn't want to. As he ran the water, he peered at the toothpaste and tooth brush. How did these help again?

As Sarah was leaving for her home, she swore she could hear the distant sound of goblin laughter.