"A Long Road to Follow" Part 5
Sometimes Abby retreated into a dark place inside herself, a place where there was no hurt, but also no joy. It was a place where there were no feelings at all. She went there when her feelings were too much to handle. When she didn't know what to do, or something so good happened to her, or when something horrible happened to her, it was her solace. She had been spending a lot of time there lately.
One might wonder why Abby had retreated to this place recently. She found herself slipping into this black hole when her mother tried to commit suicide, but was able to pull herself out when her mother was out of danger. She was able to be in touch with herself to try and fight and help her mother get well. She had bumpy road, with all that she and her mother went through, but it was the kind of event that Abby could handle, one that just made her stronger. It was the good in her life that caused her to retreat into her hidden place. She didn't know how to handle the good. The good in her life had come in the form of a man named Luka Kovac.
No one had ever made Abby feel so special. Yes, she also had a wonderful friend in John Carter, but that wasn't the same thing. John did wonderful things for her, like helping her collect her mother from Oklahoma, both emotionally and financially. But Carter did it for the pleasure of her company, and as she later realized, because he had a crush on her. Carter didn't expect anything from her in return. Luka did things because he was emotionally invested in her, and he expected the same from her. It was true, she was invested in him, but she didn't know how to express that, without getting hurt. The ones she loved always hurt her. First her father, then her mother, then her ex-husband. She couldn't risk that kind of hurt from Luka.
It had been three days since Abby had her first therapy session. She didn't really know what to make of it, other than it made her think of things in her life that were less than pleasant. But, the carpet that she swept these things under was getting mighty lumpy. She couldn't keep doing this. Telling her therapist would be one thing, but would she be able to open up to anyone that she actually cared about? Could she tell these things to Luka? Could she tell him that she was terrified of having children, knowing that was probably what he wanted most out of life?
Abby was at home, spending yet again another evening on her couch. She was beginning to tire of her nightly ritual, though. She had watched enough mind-numbing television to last her a lifetime recently. She really did like that show on NBC though, the one about the doctors and nurses. Anyways, she was ready to start doing a little more. She was lonely.
Abby picked up the phone and began dialing. "Am I sure I want to do this?"
"Hello?"
"Hi, Luka? It's Abby." A long pause followed.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I was a little lonely though, and was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something?"
"Are you sure? Because I'd love to see you. I'm just not so sure that you want to really see me."
"I miss you."
"I miss you too Abby. Do you want me to come over?"
"That would be nice."
"I'll be there in a little while."
"See you then."
Abby hung up the phone with a loud click. Maybe they could just go out to the movies, somewhere where they wouldn't have to talk. Abby still wasn't ready for that, but she couldn't stand to be alone any longer.
*********************
Luka let himself in when he arrived to Abby's apartment. He carried with him a small bunch of flowers. He hoped it would make her smile.
"I'll be out in a minute!" Abby called from the bathroom.
"So, do you want to go somewhere, or should we just rent a movie and order dinner in?" Luka asked when Abby emerged. He was searching for a vase to put the flowers in. "I know you like dried ones, but I thought these might look nice," he said sheepishly.
"Thank you." A bright smile lit up across Abby's face. "Let's stay in."
Abby found a vase for the flowers, and then searched through her stack of take-out menus. She pulled a blue flyer out of the pile, and hid it under a stack of books, with a smile on her face. "No Thai tonight!"
"Anything you want, Abby, is fine with me."
They ordered Chinese food. Luka flipped through the videos on Abby's shelf.
"I got a new one- it's called Committed. It has a really cute Croatian actor in it."
"I don't know if I can stand the competition. "
Luka picked the tape up, and popped it in the VCR. They settled down on the couch to watch the movie. Abby snuggled up in Luka's arms. It had been a while since she had done that. She had forgotten how good it felt.
"Abby?" Luka said her name softly.
"What, Luka?"
"You don't have to answer if you don't want, but I had a question for you."
"What is it?"
"Why don't you talk to Carter anymore? Did something happen?"
There was a knock at the door before Abby could say anything.
"Food must be here." Abby breathed a sigh of relief. She didn't know what she should say to Luka. She didn't want him to be angry with her or Carter.
Luka got up to answer the door. Soon, they were lost in meaningless conversation about the merits of putting duck sauce on fried rice. That was followed by silence as they watched the movie. The movie ended, and they still sat in silence. Neither made a move to get up from the couch. Abby lay in Luka's arms. Neither of them wanted to ruin the moment. Tonight was the first night in weeks that they had spent together, and both needed the companionship, needed to reach out to another person. Finally, Abby broke the silence.
"Carter told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore."
"Why? Did you two have a fight?"
"Not exactly. We were on a coffee break, and were just having one of our bitch sessions. I was telling him about my med school application, how you had submitted it. And he said he didn't want me to talk to him about you anymore. He didn't want to wish bad things for you and I."
Luka sat in silence, processing what he had just heard. He felt like he was missing something. "Why would he wish bad things for us, Abby? I know I'm not one of Carter's favorite people, but..."
"He likes me," Abby whispered.
"I know he likes you, Abby. Everyone likes you." Luka sounded confused.
"As more than a friend."
"Oh." Luka was stunned.
They sat in silence again, but now, Abby was sitting on the other end of the couch.
"Abby-"
"I'm sorry Luka, I shouldn't have told you."
"No Abby, I'm glad you told me." He paused. "Do you 'like' him too?" Luka was nearly chocking as he asked this.
Abby turned so that she could look at Luka's eyes. She could see how hurt he looked. She hadn't meant to hurt him. "I love him as a friend, Luka. Only as a friend."
A look of relief washed over Luka's face. He was glad to know this, but he was still bothered. Although Abby said she didn't return Carter's sentiment, he didn't think that things were over entirely between Abby and Carter. He had a sinking feeling.
"Luka, please don't be angry with me, or Carter."
"I'm not angry Abby. Just surprised."
Abby didn't see any anger in his face, but she still saw hurt. Opening up always led to hurt. She wanted Luka to be happy. She moved closer to him on the couch, and put her hand on his arm. He responded by drawing her into an embrace. He just wanted to hold her.
Abby looked up at him. She kissed him. He responded. They continued to kiss. Abby started to pull Luka's shirt over his head, but Luka stopped her, and pulled away. "I think I need to go, Abby," he whispered.
Abby remained mute. Luka collected his jacket, and left.
Sometimes Abby retreated into a dark place inside herself, a place where there was no hurt, but also no joy. It was a place where there were no feelings at all. She went there when her feelings were too much to handle. When she didn't know what to do, or something so good happened to her, or when something horrible happened to her, it was her solace. She had been spending a lot of time there lately.
One might wonder why Abby had retreated to this place recently. She found herself slipping into this black hole when her mother tried to commit suicide, but was able to pull herself out when her mother was out of danger. She was able to be in touch with herself to try and fight and help her mother get well. She had bumpy road, with all that she and her mother went through, but it was the kind of event that Abby could handle, one that just made her stronger. It was the good in her life that caused her to retreat into her hidden place. She didn't know how to handle the good. The good in her life had come in the form of a man named Luka Kovac.
No one had ever made Abby feel so special. Yes, she also had a wonderful friend in John Carter, but that wasn't the same thing. John did wonderful things for her, like helping her collect her mother from Oklahoma, both emotionally and financially. But Carter did it for the pleasure of her company, and as she later realized, because he had a crush on her. Carter didn't expect anything from her in return. Luka did things because he was emotionally invested in her, and he expected the same from her. It was true, she was invested in him, but she didn't know how to express that, without getting hurt. The ones she loved always hurt her. First her father, then her mother, then her ex-husband. She couldn't risk that kind of hurt from Luka.
It had been three days since Abby had her first therapy session. She didn't really know what to make of it, other than it made her think of things in her life that were less than pleasant. But, the carpet that she swept these things under was getting mighty lumpy. She couldn't keep doing this. Telling her therapist would be one thing, but would she be able to open up to anyone that she actually cared about? Could she tell these things to Luka? Could she tell him that she was terrified of having children, knowing that was probably what he wanted most out of life?
Abby was at home, spending yet again another evening on her couch. She was beginning to tire of her nightly ritual, though. She had watched enough mind-numbing television to last her a lifetime recently. She really did like that show on NBC though, the one about the doctors and nurses. Anyways, she was ready to start doing a little more. She was lonely.
Abby picked up the phone and began dialing. "Am I sure I want to do this?"
"Hello?"
"Hi, Luka? It's Abby." A long pause followed.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I was a little lonely though, and was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something?"
"Are you sure? Because I'd love to see you. I'm just not so sure that you want to really see me."
"I miss you."
"I miss you too Abby. Do you want me to come over?"
"That would be nice."
"I'll be there in a little while."
"See you then."
Abby hung up the phone with a loud click. Maybe they could just go out to the movies, somewhere where they wouldn't have to talk. Abby still wasn't ready for that, but she couldn't stand to be alone any longer.
*********************
Luka let himself in when he arrived to Abby's apartment. He carried with him a small bunch of flowers. He hoped it would make her smile.
"I'll be out in a minute!" Abby called from the bathroom.
"So, do you want to go somewhere, or should we just rent a movie and order dinner in?" Luka asked when Abby emerged. He was searching for a vase to put the flowers in. "I know you like dried ones, but I thought these might look nice," he said sheepishly.
"Thank you." A bright smile lit up across Abby's face. "Let's stay in."
Abby found a vase for the flowers, and then searched through her stack of take-out menus. She pulled a blue flyer out of the pile, and hid it under a stack of books, with a smile on her face. "No Thai tonight!"
"Anything you want, Abby, is fine with me."
They ordered Chinese food. Luka flipped through the videos on Abby's shelf.
"I got a new one- it's called Committed. It has a really cute Croatian actor in it."
"I don't know if I can stand the competition. "
Luka picked the tape up, and popped it in the VCR. They settled down on the couch to watch the movie. Abby snuggled up in Luka's arms. It had been a while since she had done that. She had forgotten how good it felt.
"Abby?" Luka said her name softly.
"What, Luka?"
"You don't have to answer if you don't want, but I had a question for you."
"What is it?"
"Why don't you talk to Carter anymore? Did something happen?"
There was a knock at the door before Abby could say anything.
"Food must be here." Abby breathed a sigh of relief. She didn't know what she should say to Luka. She didn't want him to be angry with her or Carter.
Luka got up to answer the door. Soon, they were lost in meaningless conversation about the merits of putting duck sauce on fried rice. That was followed by silence as they watched the movie. The movie ended, and they still sat in silence. Neither made a move to get up from the couch. Abby lay in Luka's arms. Neither of them wanted to ruin the moment. Tonight was the first night in weeks that they had spent together, and both needed the companionship, needed to reach out to another person. Finally, Abby broke the silence.
"Carter told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore."
"Why? Did you two have a fight?"
"Not exactly. We were on a coffee break, and were just having one of our bitch sessions. I was telling him about my med school application, how you had submitted it. And he said he didn't want me to talk to him about you anymore. He didn't want to wish bad things for you and I."
Luka sat in silence, processing what he had just heard. He felt like he was missing something. "Why would he wish bad things for us, Abby? I know I'm not one of Carter's favorite people, but..."
"He likes me," Abby whispered.
"I know he likes you, Abby. Everyone likes you." Luka sounded confused.
"As more than a friend."
"Oh." Luka was stunned.
They sat in silence again, but now, Abby was sitting on the other end of the couch.
"Abby-"
"I'm sorry Luka, I shouldn't have told you."
"No Abby, I'm glad you told me." He paused. "Do you 'like' him too?" Luka was nearly chocking as he asked this.
Abby turned so that she could look at Luka's eyes. She could see how hurt he looked. She hadn't meant to hurt him. "I love him as a friend, Luka. Only as a friend."
A look of relief washed over Luka's face. He was glad to know this, but he was still bothered. Although Abby said she didn't return Carter's sentiment, he didn't think that things were over entirely between Abby and Carter. He had a sinking feeling.
"Luka, please don't be angry with me, or Carter."
"I'm not angry Abby. Just surprised."
Abby didn't see any anger in his face, but she still saw hurt. Opening up always led to hurt. She wanted Luka to be happy. She moved closer to him on the couch, and put her hand on his arm. He responded by drawing her into an embrace. He just wanted to hold her.
Abby looked up at him. She kissed him. He responded. They continued to kiss. Abby started to pull Luka's shirt over his head, but Luka stopped her, and pulled away. "I think I need to go, Abby," he whispered.
Abby remained mute. Luka collected his jacket, and left.