Part 6
"It 's been days since he left my apartment. I was stunned; Luka has never been one to leave like that. He may be a gentleman, but he never turns me down when there's an opportunity for sex. I'm certainly mot the first that he's had since his wife died, but there were many long dry spells in between lovers. He usually likes to make up for lost time.
It's not just the physical act that he craves, though he certainly enjoys it. It's the closeness that he always missed the most. He's told me that he hadn't found that since his wife died-that is, until our first time together. We hadn't spent much quality time together before that night, but there was a spiritual, healing aspect to the encounter. He needed something. He needed to connect with another human being, someone who cared for him. I needed to be that person.
When I first met Luka, I thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever seen up close-I still so. I never imagined that a man like that would ever be interested in me. While I know at the time that being involved with him was not an option, I certainly entertained the idea more than once. When it finally did become a possibility-after Carol left, when my divorce was final and then when I was kicked out of med school, I felt like a bumbling idiot around him. God, when I first kissed him… ugh, I don't even want to think about that. But once he found out that I was divorced, I felt like he might be actually interested in me, and it was more than I could handle. I've never had a man like Luka interested in me. He's handsome, he's wonderful, he cares about me… and then I realize I don't have just one man like that interested in me; I have two.
John Carter. I must admit, I was a bit attracted to him when I first met him. He too was attractive, and nice. Not really my type, but still good fantasy material. When I saw John shooting up though, and thought I had ever had about him up to that moment went right out of my mind. When I saw him with that needle, I knew John was not for me. John is not a bad person; he made a bad choice, as I have many, many times in my life. But I can't go down that road again.
After John's recovery, on the day he told me he had feelings for me, I knew. I played dumb, I had hoped it would be easier for him that way, but I knew. I never meant to lead him on. He was a wonderful friend, the first "girlfriend," as he called it that I had ever had. I did suspect that he had feelings for me, even before my mother pointed it out to me.
I will admit this once, and once only. I was enjoying the attention I was receiving from John, and the jealously he had started to stir in Luka. I used John. It wasn't a conscious thing; one day he was just my friend, and another I realize that he's driving Luka crazy. Luka, who never appeared to get jealous, was being driven crazy by Carter. I loved it. It finally seemed like Luka truly cared. But… I never meant it to get out of hand like this. Now I've lost them both. I used them both in my own sick game, and I'm alone again. Just like where I started from." With this, Abby burst into tears.
"Abby, this is the best work you've done. This is a major breakthrough, and you should be proud of yourself for admitting this."
"So?" Tears continued to flow. "It doesn't matter now... Luka will never care about me… he won't be able to care about me again."
"I'm not going to lie to you and say that everything will be fine. Luka may not be able to forgive you. If he's in love with you as much as it sounds, he might be able to work on forgiving you. It's a possibility."
"So what... what do I do?"
"Give him time. In the meanwhile, you need to work on forgiving yourself. You made a mistake: you are only human."
"I made of hell of a mistake."
"You did what felt natural, and what felt good at the time. Those are basic human instincts. What you failed to do was consider what your actions would mean to others. From what you've described, it wasn't what you thought of. The great thing about human nature is: you'll never do that again. It's a basic conditioning process: hurting others caused you pain. Humans generally learn from not to do something again. It's like putting your hand on a hot stove. Once you burn yourself, you're more careful in the future. Now the trick is healing the burn."
Abby looked up. "Sometimes burns leave nasty scars."
"Sometimes they do."
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"Good morning, Abby." Luka hung his coat in his locker and turned to leave the room.
"Luka, wait."
"What?"
"Can we talk later, maybe over lunch?"
"It looks like it's going to be very busy today."
"I'll wait until your shift is over."
"I'm not sure that we need to talk."
"Please, just meet me later?"
"I'll see what I can do."
Luka left the room and headed over to the board. Abby remained in the lounge, and poured herself a cup of coffee. She had been debating for the last couple of days whether she should try to talk to Luka or not. It was time for her to begin healing those burns: hers and Luka's. She needed to let Luka know how much he meant to her.
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Although there were several patients waiting to be seen earlier, the ER had cleared out after the lunch rush. Luka had no patients waiting, so he decided to approach Abby. He decided he wanted to hear what she had to day.
"Abby."
"Hey." A soft smile washed over Abby's face.
"I have time for lunch if you still want to go."
"I'd love to. Just give me a couple of minutes to finish up."
"Okay. I'll wait for you here."
Abby turned to quickly check on one of her patients, and to go grab her purse. She took several deep breaths as she went about her business. She was very nervous about talking with Luka. The last time just had not gone well. Abby was not ready to give up on this relationship.
Abby grabbed her purse from her locker, and started to leave the lounge. As she opened the door, Carter was on his way in.
"Uh... hi, John."
"Abby." John nodded his head, and then walked right past her. Luka watched the interaction from the admit desk.
"What was that about?" Luka asked as Abby approached him.
"It was nothing. Things have just been uncomfortable between John and me." The pair started to walk towards the cafeteria.
"I'm sorry to hear that." Luka wanted to say more. He knew all to well what it felt like to experience an uncomfortable air with Abby.
"Luka, I didn't want to talk about my problems with Carter with you today. I wanted to talk about our problems. I want for us to be close again. I'm sorry for all of the mistakes I've made. I need you to forgive me."
"What am I to forgive you for?"
"For not talking to you. For not telling you about Carter."
"Abby, you were never obligated to tell me anything about Carter." Luka spoke softly and evenly, but his face showed how uncomfortable he was with this conversation.
"I know that I didn't have to; but I should have. I shouldn't be keeping secrets from you. I'm learning. I know that you need to understand what's going on with me, if we're together. I'm beginning to realize how much it must hurt you not to know why I'm always upset. I'm beginning to realize that I'm upset a lot." Abby paused to catch her breath.
Luka smiled. "I guess you are upset a lot."
"I know. I'm working on that."
They reached the cafeteria and placed their orders. After picking up their food, they headed over to a table over in the corner.
"Luka, do you think that you'll ever be able to forgive me?"
"Abby, there's nothing that I need to forgive you for. I'm not sure if I should be saying this right now, but I love you. I want nothing more than for us to work out our problems."
"I love you, too, Luka. I want for us to work out our problems, too."
"Good." Luka reached his hand over the table and placed it over Abby's. He felt happy he hadn't felt this happy in a long time. He was hoping that they really might work things out. There was one thing he felt Abby needed to do, before they could be together, though. "Abby," he said softly.
"Mmm-hmm?"
"You need to talk to Carter. You need to resolve things with him."
"I don't think he's going to want to talk to me... especially when he knows that you and I are trying to work things out."
"You need to at least try, Abby. He is your friend: that's important."
"He was my friend."
"Maybe he won't want to be friends anymore, but you have to talk to him. You told me that he said he 'didn't want to wish bad things' for you and me."
"I don't think he meant that he wanted to wish us good things."
"Talk to him Abby. You need to resolve your problems with him. You need to make sure of where things stand with him. And, you need… you need to make sure that you really don't have any feelings for him."
"Luka, I promise, I don't. I..."
"Please Abby. It would make me feel better. I need to know."
"I'll try."
"Thank you."
Luka leaned forward and kissed Abby on the forehead. Abby smiled. The moment was quickly interrupted, when Luka's pager went off.
"It looks like we'd better get back to work." The two headed back to the ER, Luka's arm around Abby shoulders, as they had walked so many times before. As they headed back, Abby thought about talking to Carter. Luka was right; it was something she needed to do. She decided that she would try to catch him later that day.