Another day, another dollar. Another dollar spent, that is, on therapy. Abby was still attending her weekly sessions with her therapist. There were many things that she still hadn't accomplished. She still hadn't managed to talk to Carter, she didn't know where her relationship was going with Luka, she didn't know what she wanted to do with the rest of her life, or even what she wanted to do for dinner. Fortunately today, her therapist seemed to be asking almost all of the right questions.
"So Abby, now that you've repaired your relationship with Luka, what happens next?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you now satisfied with your life the way it is? Do you want more? Are there other relationships that you want to work on? Do you want to go further in your relationship with Luka?"
"Woah... slow down. That's a lot of questions."
"Take your pick and answer any one you want."
"Well, I don't know. My life is okay for now the way it is... but I don't know what it is that I want anymore."
"What did you want before?"
"I guess that depends. When things got bad with Richard, I decided that I wanted to be a doctor."
"Why did you decide that? Had you always wanted to be a doctor?"
"When Richard and I met during college, I was pre-med. Richard was a year ahead of me. He proposed to me the semester before he graduated. I said yes right away- I couldn't believe I was going to be able to get away from my mother. Richard had already been accepted to med school, so it just made sense that he should go. I already had most of the classes that I needed for nursing anyways, so I just switched. It was the practical thing to do, so that we would have money to live on, so that's what I did."
"So what happened after that?"
"Richard promised that I would be able to start med school as soon as he finished his residency, but he had hoped I would give that up, stay a nurse, have a couple of kids..." Abby finally broke off. She didn't know if she could continue.
"Please go on Abby."
After a few moments of silence, and a painful look on her face, Abby continued. "For a while, I didn't forget. I was a good nurse, and I liked my job, but I wanted more out of my career. I didn't want children-that was a decision I had made a long time ago. I didn't want to risk bring a bipolar child into the world. Even more, I was terribly afraid that if I got pregnant, I might become bipolar postpartum. I know that there is a chance of that. And then it happened. I got pregnant. One day, I missed my period, and then I started getting sick all of the time..." Abby stopped to breathe. "Richard was working all of the time, he never even suspected. I couldn't have the baby, so... I had an abortion."
Abby stopped, waiting for a reaction, but didn't get one. She stared at the woman across the table, wondering why she didn't condemn her. She waited for her to speak.
"Abby, I think that you made the best choice that you thought you could make at the time. I won't share my opinion on the subject of abortion, because that's not what's important here. You were right that your baby could have developed bipolar disorder when he got older; you also could have become bipolar yourself. On the other hand, nothing might have happened in regards to bipolar disorder. Everything could have been fine, or something completely unrelated might have happened. There are no guarantees about anything in life."
Abby mumbled under her breath: "That's what my mother said."
Silence followed for a few more moments.
"What happened after the abortion?"
"Richard and I stopped talking. Actually, I stopped talking; Richard didn't have much of a choice. Then I started drinking. Within a year, I had hit rock bottom. Richard pretty much stopped caring what was going on with me, and I realized that he was cheating on me. So, I joined AA and I stopped drinking. When I hit my one year mark, I took the MCATs, and started applying to med schools. For the next year, I tried to work things out with Richard, but it was too late. We had grown too far apart, and we didn't love each other. I'm not sure if I ever really loved him. So, I filed for divorce. Then I met Luka, before the divorce was even final. We started dating not long after my divorce was final. And here I am."
"So, you've pretty much never been out of a relationship for your entire adult life?"
"Luka and I started dating about 3 months after my divorce became final."
"Did you make any decisions about how you wanted to live your life in those 3 months?"
"I just knew that I wanted to finish med school, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it."
"Did something change after that?"
"Yeah, Richard didn't pay my tuition, and I got kicked out."
"Are you going to start again? The fall semester is right around the corner."
"I wanted to, and then I didn't want to, and now I don't know what I want to do."
"What do you think changed your mind? Is it your relationship with Luka?"
"Yes and no."
"Why don't you try making some 'pro' and 'con' lists, about how going to school will affect you and your relationship?"
Abby rolled her eyes, in her typical old style.
"I saw that."
Abby blushed. "I'm sorry... it just, well, it just sounds corny."
"I won't tell anyone you made some corny lists, I promise."
Abby sighed. "Okay." She had to stop and think for a while. "Well, I guess the biggest problem for me is that I don't have enough money without taking out more loans."
"Do you think you could have enough money in another year?"
"I probably could. Actually, Luka offered to help me pay, but I can't let him do that. I have to do this on my own, if it's what I decide to do."
"I think that is very wise. So, if you waited a year, you could go back, and pay for it yourself. What else is a 'con'?"
"My relationship with Luka complicates things, administratively."
"You are absolutely right with that. I don't know the policies of your school, but you would probably not be allowed to work with him."
"So we'd have to break up, anyways."
"What would that solve?"
"It would solve the political problem."
"But it would make the emotional problem even worse, though, don't you think? The fact is: you already have a relationship. Breaking up will only make it worse."
Abby paused. "I guess it would. So what do I do? Med students can't date any of the staff."
"Does your school allow students to do rotations in other hospitals? I would think that there must have been other situations in the past that might be awkward, like with family members. There must be a way around it."
"I think its possible to go elsewhere."
"What is your specialty going to be?"
"I don't know yet. I've thought about emergency medicine, but I'm also interested in pediatrics. I guess my heart is still in OB, though."
"Then you have a lot of different options. There are other ERs, and it's quite possible that you'll end up in another department when it comes time for a big decision. What else is on the list?"
"Do you think that this is the biggest problem?"
Abby bit her lip, and nodded her head in agreement. "When I first wanted to be a doctor, I was younger. It didn't seem like four years of med school and maybe five years of a residency were that bad. I'd finish by the time I was in my early 30s. But, here I am, in my 30s, with the end a whole lot further away."
"Is there something that maybe you think you'd like to do with that time instead?"
Abby didn't answer.
"You've done a lot of good work today, Abby. I hope that you'll think about how you really want to spend the next few years of your life. Maybe you want to talk about it with Luka. It's perfectly all right if you don't want to right now, though. At least think about. You don't have to make any decisions right now."
"Thanks."
"See you next week."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Abby decided to walk home, rather than take the El. It was a beautiful day, and she needed the fresh air. She sat down on a bench by the river, and just watched the people going by. There was a bunch of teen-aged girls smoking cigarettes and talking about boys; there was a young couple walking arm in arm. She saw a slightly older couple walking with one child in a stroller, the other child holding his dad's hand. Down the way, there was an old woman sitting by herself, feeding the pigeons.
Abby took all of this in, and thought about her own life. She still didn't know what she wanted. She knew she wanted to keep dating Luka; she cared so much for him, and knew how much he cared for her. But despite her recent words to him, she wasn't sure if she really loved him. She wasn't sure if she was capable. Abby knew in her heart, that they couldn't keep "dating" forever. Eventually, they would need to move forward, or they would have to stop. It was something she didn't want to think of at all.
She sat by herself in silence, watching the woman feeding the pigeons. She became lost in her thoughts, and lost track of the time. She eventually realized that it was getting dark, and headed home. She didn't like being by the river at night anymore.
When she arrived home, Luka was pacing in her apartment. "Abby, where have you been? I've been so worried... I thought something happened to you..."
Abby wordlessly fell into his arms. He held her close and stroked her hair.
"I'm sorry Luka, I lost track of the time."
"It's all right. I'm just glad that you're here now." He squeezed her tight, and then leaned in to kiss her. He was surprised when he looked into her face. "What's wrong Abby? Did something happen?"
"No, I was just thinking all afternoon."
"Is there anything you want to share? How do you say it-a penny for your thoughts?"
Abby smiled. "Yes, there's a lot that I want to share, but I'm not sure if I'm ready right now."
Luka looked a little disappointed, but pulled Abby close again. "When you're ready Abby, I'm right here."
"Thank you."
They embraced a bit longer, and Luka bent down to kiss Abby again. "I made you dinner."
"You're really more wonderful than I deserve, Luka."
"Well, I am wonderful," --both Luka and Abby cracked a smile-- "but you deserve all kinds of wonderful things, Abby. You're a wonderful person."
"Okay, wonderful man, lead me to my wonderful dinner."
"As you wish."
The doubts that had clouded Abby's mind took a break as she sat down to dinner. She decided that she would put all of her fears, doubts and worries for the evening. She was going to enjoy the night for all it was worth-after all, she didn't have to make any decisions right away.