Touch the Wind: Dante's Secret
by: Karin
shinigamis_wings@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing does not belong to me in any way shape or form, I am simply taking a couple characters and history for my own entertainment. The song "Touch the Wind" was not written by me either, but it fit so well I had to use it. I do, however, claim some credit for Dante, Heero's mother, and for Kitayori, Heero's father.

Summary and Notes: First of all, I am not saying that this is the way it happened, I'm just posing something that might have occurred. In this fic I tell the story of Dante, Heero's mother, and describe the secret of his parentage and birth. It will make much more sense if you read Dante's Prayer first. *If you want to read the last section "Return to Innocence: Dante's Promise" or any of the others in the Dante Trilogy they both can be found here: http://ltnoinsguidetogw.mainpage.net under the songfic section.*

*I woke up this morning and my mind fell away.*

The lights of the colony were already streaming through my window when I finally opened my eyes. It took me a while before I realized why I had slept so late, and then I remembered what today meant. Heero was going to Earth with the Gundam today. Of all the days to sleep in! I rushed out of my room knowing full well that he was already gone, had left sometime in the night, and I would probably never see him again.

I went to his bedroom, no one was monitoring it now that he was no longer there. I found it just as empty as when he had inhabited it, but there was an absence there now. His presence, however cold and fierce, was no longer anywhere here. He had left only one thing behind on his bedside table, and I only wish I knew what he meant in leaving it there. I know he meant something, for Heero never did anything without a purpose, I had only to puzzle out what it was. He had left the wilted flower he had taken from the colony. I picked it up with trembling fingers, feeling myself losing control. I hadn't had the chance to tell him my secrets. I had always meant for him to know everything. It wasn't right that the opportunity had been taken from me, and it wasn't fair that he was being denied this. But it was all my fault from the beginning. It was my fault that he was going to Earth in that machine, and it was my fault that he didn't have a mother.

*Looking back sadly from tomorrow.*

I'm sure that everyone has regrets. Piles of memories that begin with an "if only" or a "why couldn't I have" that makes them wince to remember. Well my "if only" might have saved a life, a life that is more precious to me than my own. But my "if only" should not have brought me here to this empty bedroom with a withered flower in my hand because the only mistake I made was to fall in love.

His name was Kitayori, though I doubt if it was his true name. It did not matter to me then. If he wanted to call himself Wind then it was up to him. I only knew what he meant to me, and how his eyes crinkled when he smiled.

I met him in a crowd the day the colony president Heero Yuy was assassinated. I was a young medical student then, just graduated, and just making my entrance into the real world while he had been a bodyguard. When the gunshot cracked through the general noise of the people and President Yuy fell I was the first doctor at his side, pressing my suit jacket to his skull to staunch the wound, knowing that it had been too clear a shot for any of my efforts to be of any use. But who would do such a thing? What murdering anarchist would shoot the man responsible for uniting the colonies and fighting fierce politics to be sure that they were treated equally? Now that he was gone the colony alliances would dissolve, and they would become easy targets for the start of a dictatorship.

I felt a hand on my shoulder as one of the colony men with the president knelt beside me. I glanced up at him without really seeing anything as my thought process was not focused except on the welfare of the colonies and on the man who was dying in my lap.

"I've called for help," the man said, his voice filled with worry. "Is he going to live?" I shook my head numbly, knowing what his death would mean to this man and finding myself unable to speak.

I did not look at him clearly until after the ambulance had taken the body from the street. We stood together watching it go, confused as to what to do now that he was gone. We looked at each other, considering each other. He was a colony man, and I had never left Earth's atmosphere, yet we had been drawn together by the same circumstance and that was worth an introduction.

He was tall for a man of obvious Japanese heritage, at least three inches my superior. His body was lean, dark, and perfectly muscled. His black hair hung about his face from all directions, making it seem tousled from some wind and bringing his bangs into his eyes. And such eyes! They were so deep brown that they almost shone black. We stared at each other awkwardly for a moment before he reached out his hand to me in greeting.

"Kitayori," was all he said, nodding his head respectfully.

"Dante," I replied, mimicking his gesture and taking his hand. The sorrow was so deep in his gaze that I felt I needed to add something. "I'm really very sorry. I wish that there had been something more I could do." He still had my hand in his, and still held my eyes locked.

"There is," he half whispered in such a way my heart skipped. "You are a doctor aren't you?"

"I. . .I am."

"We have a need for a good doctor on my colony. If you were to come with me you would be doing them a better favor than saving their president's life."

"You want me to go with you into space?" His eyes burned deeply into mine and I found myself losing my will to his entrancing presence.

"Please." I looked down at our hands, entwined and natural, and found myself wanting to leave the mundaneness of my life on Earth and give myself to service in a far away place. And above these was the desire to follow this perfected being who named himself for the wind where ever he wanted to carry me. I found myself nodding before I knew what I was agreeing to.

"I'll come," I told him and watched his entire countenance brighten with my assent. From that moment onward I did everything I could to give him reason to favor me with that beautiful smile.

*As I heard an echo from the past softly say,
Come back, come back, won't you stay?*

He smiled at me in that way only twice after that first time. Of course his nature was so jovial that he smiled quite frequently, but these smiles were different. They shone in his eyes and lit up his entire face in such a way that one couldn't help but be caught up in his joy. He smiled at me when he lifted my veil on our wedding day, and when I told him that we were going to have a baby.

We shared so many small activities of love when we were together. Hot tea in the evening after he came home from work, kisses over breakfast before we separated for the day. He even imported roses from Earth on Christmas because he knew I loved them and they could be found nowhere on the colony. He found me a job there, a good job working in a children's hospital. Children who were brought in off the streets because they had no other place to go. He remained secretive on what he did, but I figured it had to do with mechanics if the amount of greasy oil on his hands when he came home was any clue. He smiled away my questions, and there was a binder that he carried with him everywhere that he never permitted me to see. I allowed him his privacy, but it sometimes bothered me that he would keep secrets.

I was a fine one for thinking of keeping secrets. How many had I kept from Heero even when I had the brief opportunities to tell him the truth? I clung to the flower more tightly, kneeling next to the bed. He had never known his mother, and I had barely known his father.

The last memory I have of him was the day he gave those roses to me. I was reading on the sofa when I heard the door open, and it wasn't long until he hugged me from behind and thrust the fragrant bouquet into my hands.

"From home," he whispered into my ear, kissing the top of my head. "Special delivery and kissed by the wind." I turned around to get a better kiss, reaching my arms up to cling to him.

"They're beautiful, Kit. I'd almost forgotten what roses looked like." He smiled into my hair.

"And I promise that I'll be home again before they wilt." I pulled away, considering him.

"Where are you going?" He never answered me when I asked him that, but this time I really needed him to. What was so important that he had to leave his wife on Christmas Eve? There was something about this that made me uneasy, and I clung to him as if I would never see him again.

"The Earth Sphere Alliance has made their first move," he said as way of explanation.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I must counter with one of my own." I didn't understand him then, but he was speaking of revolution. The Alliance was trying to take over the colonies, and there were some rebels who were not about to let that happen. Kitayori happened to be one of them. I found out later that he had gone to engage in a resistance movement, and as his spirit was so radiant it stood from among the others. He was shot in the heat of a moment by an Alliance man who had been trying to restore the peace.

"Don't go," I had pleaded, blocking the door as he came down the stairs with his knapsack over his shoulder. "This time, please, stay here." He lay his hand on my abdomen, looking at me very seriously.

"Do you want him to be free?" Kit had already decided by then that our child was a boy.

"Of course I do, but what has that got to do with you leaving?"

"I'm going to make sure that he lives in a world where he is free." He bent down to kiss me, pressed his hand against my stomach, and turned to walk out the door.

"Come back, Kit," I called after him, but he only gave a backwards glance and wave. "I want you to stay." The house was very dark that night, and I knew as I lay in our bed that I would never see him again.

*I wanted to reach you, let you know I still care.*

The roses died and still Kit had not returned. I found myself watching the flowers in their vase every day for signs of wilt, and my despair grew as each petal fell. He wasn't coming back, and I hadn't even told him that I loved him. So many good-byes that I hadn't uttered, so many things I hadn't said. The only thing that kept me alive on the day I finally knew that I would never see my husband again was the life that was a part of him that was growing inside me. I found myself wandering about the house as if I didn't belong there, wondering what had happened. Why would he leave me? I felt deserted and cast off. After this initial sense of abandonment by the one I loved the most, I fell into a numb detachment, giving myself to meaningless tasks simply to give my mind something else to think about other than how lonely the place had become without the wind rushing through it every day.

I was cleaning out Kit's office the day that the man found me. My husband was never a disorganized person, but it was just something else that my melancholy mind told me needed to be done, so I flung myself into the comfort of sorting through the papers. There were the usual things, old bill receipts, the tax documents for the past five years or so, neatly filed away in cabinets behind the computer desk. But it was the computer desk that caught my attention, because it was there that he had left his binder. The one that he never allowed me to look in. I was tempted, so tempted to open it and see what secrets he felt he needed to hide from me, perhaps I might find a clue as to where he went, and why he left me behind. But I just couldn't break the trust that he had given me in leaving it here so I picked it up to put it somewhere that I would not see it, lest my curiosity get the better of me. That was when he entered the room.

He was an elderly man with white wispy hair hanging straight down his back, wearing a scientist lab coat and glasses that never showed his eyes, only a reflection of oneself. I hadn't even heard him come into the house, but when I turned around from the desk he was standing in the doorway, his gun trained upon my heart, which promptly stopped beating in fear. I dropped the binder and several papers scattered at the collision. The man's eyes might have followed it down to the floor, but I could never tell.

"What are you doing here?" He demanded, shaking the gun for emphasis.

"I live here," I squeaked, barely able to hear myself. "I'm Kitayori's wife. If you're looking for him --" He held up his other hand, which wasn't a hand at all, but a cruel three fingered metallic contraption, cutting me off.

"He's dead. I'm here for something else." With the gun still aimed at me, he bent to pick up the papers along with the binder with that mechanical arm while I pondered his words. Who was this man that he knew of my husband's death? How had Kit died and how could I not know of it until now? Why did he have a gun and what was in that binder that he wanted so badly? I felt tears of sorrow and fear slide down my face, and I unconsciously placed a protective hand over my stomach. "Do you know what is in this?" He asked me as he stood straight again, holding the binder up for my inspection. I shook my head in a vigorous no, thankful that I could tell the truth with the action.

"Even so," he went on, lowering his artificial arm, the binder clenched tight in the claw, "This is much too important for the secret to be revealed." A moment of bravery caught me as I realized that he had every intention of shooting me. I didn't care if I died, but I wanted my child to live.

"If you mean to kill me then I must tell you that in the act you will be committing a double murder," I informed him quickly, my hand still held against the life that breathed within me. One of his eyebrows drew downward as he considered that. He paused as if calculating something in his head before lowering the gun. I allowed myself to breathe.

"Come with me. You will be of use to us." I shuddered at the words, but if it gave my baby a chance to come into the world then who was I to refuse him? He took me outside to a waiting car, and we drove off together, leaving behind my house, my roses, and everything I had ever loved, never to see them again.

*I'm lost in the silence of my sorrow.*

He took me to what seemed a classified military base, running with personnel intent on some duty or another. All around I could hear the whir of computers, and the clang of machinery. Whatever this place was, my husband had been involved in it somehow, and now I was going to become a part as well.

The man, I learned later that he was a scientist known only as Dr. J, led me to a suite of rooms apparently reserved for guests or, in this case, a prisoner, deep within the building where he left me alone in silence. I stayed in those chambers for the rest of my pregnancy, never allowed to leave unattended as the doors were kept locked, and the only company I had was that of a young soldier who brought me meals twice a day and sometimes Dr. J himself who would come to see how the child was developing. On certain days I was permitted to walk about the base with the young soldier for exercise, and where ever we went the other young men would look upon me as if I was another Blessed Mary carrying their Savior, and in a way, I was, though I didn't know it yet.

As I grew heavier I most certainly didn't feel blessed. I felt ugly, annoyed, and very claustrophobic in my chambers, especially since there was no one who would give me any answers to anything I asked. I found myself growing grouchy and snappy with both Dr. J and the poor soldier who so patiently bore my abuse with his solemn demeanor. But it was the only thing I could do. I was a strong willed person being held against my will for reasons I did not know, and that frightened me as well as sharpened my temper.

It was another soldier who freed me, two weeks before I was due he came to me in place of the usual boy. I didn't know why the change had been made, nor did I care. I paid him no attention as I had taken to ignoring everyone and everything about me, spending hours on end simply talking to my unborn child, him being the only joy in my miserable existence. I would have allowed him to leave without saying a word, but he was the one who spoke first.

"I've been looking for you for months," he said, looking at me as if he expected me to disappear. I simply glared at him. "I can't believe you've been here all this time while I've been searching up every colony Kitayori has ever lived on. I've got something important to tell you." I hadn't really been listening to his chatter, but I sniffed at the last sentence.

"There's nothing you can say that will have any meaning to me. You don't even know me!"

"I know that you've been kissed by the wind." That stopped me short of a quick reply, my hand reaching up to my heart as it throbbed painfully with a buried sorrow. Yes, I remembered being kissed by the wind, but how would he know anything about that? I collapsed onto the sofa behind me, staring up at him in dazed wonderment.

"What do you know of the wind?"

"I know that he loved you very much, because I was with him when he died. He told me to tell you that." I had to look away from him, my grief choking me as my body fought to gain the control of expressing emotion.

"Did. . .did he tell you anything else?"

"Only that he never meant for you to be caught up in this. That's why I'm here to get you out." My gaze snapped back up to consider him. Was he being serious? Could he really free me?

"How?"

"There's a way. I just wish I'd found you here sooner," he eyed my very pregnant form with a calculating gaze. "It would have made things easier." All I could do was shrug and hope that my clumsiness would not cause any great problems that would impede my escape.

"What is 'here' anyway?" He seemed to be full of answers and willing to share so I deemed it appropriate to ask all of the questions that had been ignored for months. He shook his head.

"It's a secret organization that the Alliance hasn't found out about yet."

"But why have they been keeping me prisoner for so long?"

"They need a pilot." I was confused, excited, and scared. What did he mean, pilot? I wasn't of any use that way, I didn't know the first thing about aircrafts. I opened my mouth to ask what he meant, but he had the door open now and gave me a silencing look. Gently, almost hesitantly, he placed his hand over my stomach. "They need a pilot that they can train to have no soul," he whispered then brought his finger to his lips and led me out of my chambers.

I followed with the trust of someone blind, and I was to a certain extent. Blinded by shock of what he had just said. They wanted my baby? Did they honestly intend to take him away from me. I wanted to ask more questions, demand to know why these things had been done to me. Why did they need a pilot to begin with? But as we were slinking along the corridors of the place in the dark I didn't think it the best time to begin a discussion. I wanted out, more now than ever before. The child squirmed within me, feeling my fear as it pounded out a rhythm in my ears. I soothed it with a hand, and hurried as best I could behind the form of the soldier who had no other ties to me other than the dying wish of my husband.

*And I put a promise in the wind, on the air,*

We made our secret way, avoiding security, but there were too many people rushing about, even in the dead of night, that it was impossible for us to make it without being seen. One of the evening security guards heard our footsteps and called out, asking who was there. The as yet unnamed soldier pierced me with a look that obviously meant for me to stay where I was while he assured the guard of his innocent intent in walking about the base. He would come back for me when all was safe.

The child gave me a vicious kick as I waited there. He would not calm or stay still, and I was beginning to worry as the pain increased. Dr. J had not informed me that there was anything unnatural about my pregnancy, but the babe was reacting violently to my panicked emotions. And as he kicked out and squirmed, I grew more frightened. I had to get out of here, I simply had to.

Footsteps behind me caused me to start, turning quickly to find that the person who was coming closer was not the soldier who was helping me to escape. I needed to run, get away from whoever they were. They would take me back, lock me up again, and keep my baby. Blood rushed to my head as I ran as silently as I could, and pain grew sharper with every step. I turned a corridor, running deeper into the base, wondering how I could possibly get myself out of this horrible place without the assistance of my husband's friend. I couldn't hear any sounds of pursuit, but that might have been because everything had gone fuzzy in my flight through the dark.

I ran until I was physically incapable of continuing, leaning against a wall to catch my breath and wondering to myself where I was. There was no sounds except for my own panting, and I began to question if there had ever been anyone after me in the first place. Perhaps it had been nothing more than paranoia. I felt foolish. I'd never be able to find that soldier again. I'd have to get out of here by myself. But how was I to do that? The base was constructed in a huge labyrinth, and while I had taken numerous walks throughout it I was not taken this deep into the structure nor could I find my way in the dark.

A siren screamed out suddenly, causing me to leap up in surprise and panic, my hands over my ears, knowing that Dr. J had found out that I had escaped somehow. Now everyone would be looking for me. I had to get out of here. A door down the hall a ways burst open and several soldiers sprinted out. Lucky for me they ran off in the opposite direction of where I stood, and in the dark no one saw me. I ducked into the room before the door shut and locked, thinking it somewhere I could hide, for who would think to look for me behind a door that was supposed to be locked?

The room was much larger than I had expected, and not as dark as the hallway had been. I clung to a railing to steady myself as my baby struggled inside me. I couldn't be going into labor. I had two weeks left, and this was the worst possible time for it to happen. I heard the door open through a dizzy haze, but found myself unable to move very much. At this point I was no longer thinking of escape, but of the survival of my baby. Light flooded the room, revealing three men far below me. I realized that I was on a catwalk. All around were pieces of machinery and different tools.

"There she is," I heard one of the men cry, pointing up at me.

"How did she get in here?" The other wondered as the third began up the stairs to the catwalk. I knelt, knowing I was not going to get out of here. I had failed. Looking up I caught a glimpse of what they were building in this room. It seemed an enormous head, hanging there, suspended on numerous cables, and as I looked the eyes shone green and my baby made a violent movement within me.

"Hey," I felt a hand on my shoulder. Odd that there was genuine concern in his voice. "What's wrong?" The other two were there, pulling me back to my feet.

"She's hemorrhaging. Call Dr. J quickly!" Their faces blurred together, and the last thing I saw before I lost consciousness were the eerily glowing eyes of the robot head.

I woke up in a hospital room, or what looked like a hospital room. I had to be still on the base, there was no way they would have let me go. The pain had subsided into a dull throb across my abdomen. There was a middle aged man at my side, writing something down on a chart.

"I want to talk to Dr. J," I told him in what I hoped was a commanding tone. "Now." He looked at me indifferently, but after a moment's staredown he did punch in the request on the com unit screwed to the wall.

"Where is my baby?" I demanded as he walked through the door. The other man gave us a brief look before leaving us alone to our discussion.

"He's safe, though he needs to be monitored for the time being. It was a premature birth." I knew that part, and I also knew that it had been a C-section. He hadn't answered to my satisfaction though. The only thing useful I received in that sentence was the confirmation that he was indeed male just as Kitayori had assumed.

"You aren't taking him away from me." Dr. J smiled and made a soothing gesture with his claw of a hand.

"I have no intention of taking him from you yet."

"Yet. You aren't taking him ever. Don't you understand he's all I have left?"

"Don't you understand he's all the colonies have left? If we don't use him then the colonies will be dictated by Earth and their freedom will be eliminated."

"You won't be using him. Find another pilot to fly that. . thing. Why does it have to be him?"

"He is here, and his father deserves the honor that he will bring to him with what we have in mind."

"His father has nothing to do with you. He wanted his son to be free."

"Kitayori had everything to do with us. He was the main mechanic for the building of the Gundam Wing. When he said he wanted his son to be free, he meant that he wanted the colonies to be free."

"What do you mean to do?"

"Start a war of course. Don't worry, you'll be provided for. You'll remain here to help us. Wars have great need for doctors." So colony rebels meant to start a war for independence from Earth. I shook my head.

"You aren't taking him from me."

"I'm afraid you won't have any say in that." Never have I felt so helpless as I did then. Kitayori's son, my son, conceived in love but born into a place where he would never be taught what it meant.

"You will allow me to see him." I made vows to myself as I lay in the bed glaring at Dr. J. Vows that I would save him from this kind of life. Save him from having to go to war, and save myself from losing the one part of my husband that I had so needed to keep.

"For one year you will have custody, then we will be taking him. He will have no ties, no family. We need him to be perfect."

*To fly away to you there.*

He was perfect. Oh, he was so completely perfect. The first time I saw him my heart broke for being given pure joy wrapped in a blanket only to have the knowledge that he would be taken from me again and there would be nothing I could do to prevent it. His dark brown hair stuck out in all directions as his father's had, but he had my eyes. They were clear and a beautiful ocean blue. He looked up at me with such a wise expression on his tiny face all I could do was cling to him and sob. What had I done to our family? I felt guilty, as if I hadn't done all I could in trying to escape. Perhaps if I had ran faster, or longer, or chose a different room to hide in, I could have gotten away. I wanted to keep him so badly, keep him safe and take him away from here. But I knew that there would be no way I could do that. The only thing I could do was enjoy the short time I had with my only child.

I named him Taikai. His father had been the wind, and he would be the ocean. There is nothing on Earth or any colony that I loved more than I loved that little spirit who was my son. I told him as much at least every fifteen minutes, and he understood. I know he did. Those eyes were so pure, so intelligent, he had to have known what I was saying.

We stayed in the rooms where I had lived throughout my pregnancy. Once again locked tight behind the door and visited twice a day by the same unknown soldier who had been my only companion for all those months. I never knew his name, and I never cared to. My only thought was to teach Taikai all I could about love and life and who he was and thinking about how I was to save him. I never saw the soldier who had tried to help me escape again. He might have been put to death, or imprisoned, or he might have escaped himself. I will probably never know, but I did not think of him either.

Dr. J had told me that I would have my son for a year, but they took him five months too soon. They took him from me the very day he said his first word, and I believe that was because his first word was, "mommy." They didn't want him to have a mommy, and if he recognized who I was it would make it more difficult for them. They had only allowed him to stay with me for as long as they had because I could care for him best. And I'm sure that taking care of an infant was not a wanted job for any soldier in the entire base.

I did not know where they took him. Dr. J never told me where he was, but he did give me updates now and again. However, they were not what I wanted to know. He gave me statistics and figures of his training when all I wanted to know was what made him laugh and what he was afraid of. When he was five he spoke more languages than I do. And when he was ten I was allowed to see him. Not for very long, and not directly, it was over a monitor, but I could see him. I didn't know the reason this privilege was given to me. Maybe Dr. J was so proud that his "experiment" was doing so well he had to share it. I really didn't care why he chose to show me, I was so elated to be able to.

He was still small, so tiny in that room. It appeared to be a place of training. There were bullet holes in the white walls, and the entire thing was set up to resemble a rather complex jungle gym. Taikai stood in the exact center with his hands behind his back, as if waiting for something. Dr. J stood at my side, a smile on his face. I ignored him once I saw my son over the monitor. I rushed close, placing my hand on the screen and whispering his name.

"Amazing isn't he?" Dr. J smirked.

"Why are you showing me this?" I heard myself whisper, wanting to be closer, wanting to hold him and tell him that I loved him, to let him know who I was and take him far away.

"I want you to understand what we mean to do and why it needs to be done. And I want you to see how splendid your son has become." He was splendid, but seeing him was torture. Dr. J spoke into an intercom on the wall, allowing Taikai to hear him.

"Heero," he said in a rough voice of command. "Go through the sequence." The boy gave a curt nod and pulled a gun as if from no where. He went through a series of shooting different targets as they snapped up about the room with such a precision it made me shudder to watch.

"That is not his name," I pointed out as I watched with my hand on the screen.

"It is now." There were real men coming at him now from different entrance points in the room. Taikai, Heero now, twisted and ducked and ran in a perfected assassin's stride. One of the soldiers made a quick shot, the fastest I had ever seen, and the boy couldn't duck fast enough. I realized then that the soldiers were using real bullets as blood slid from the graze along his arm.

"Stop them!" I screamed, turning to see Dr. J already in motion.

"Unacceptable," he spoke into the com unit as the soldiers made their exit from the training room. Taikai, hand over the wound, went back to the center to receive his chastisement. I couldn't believe it. Of course he had been wounded against such odds. "You'll practice again tonight." The boy nodded, looking at the floor. I wanted to see his face, his eyes, but he wouldn't turn his face toward me.

"What about his arm?" I was incredulous to his indifference. "Why would you allow them to use real bullets?"

"We need him to be perfect."

"Let me treat the wound."

"Out of the question."

"You can't taunt me like this with a monitor. I need to see him. Let me treat him. I'll be his doctor, not his mother." At this point I was willing to pretend I was anyone if it would give me a chance to be with my son. "Dr. J please, let me. I still love him." He might have been looking at me behind those glasses, but I had no way of knowing.

"His name is Heero, and you are his doctor. Not a word, you will be watched." It has been sixteen years that I have known Dr. J, and sometimes he is almost human. He tapped the com unit again. "Heero, report to medical." The boy gave another nod and left the room. I would have thanked him, but I didn't feel right begging for the chance so see my own son, there wasn't any way that I was going to thank anyone for it. I hurried away from Dr. J, just in case he decided to change his mind, to the medical lab.

*And only forever can I say I love you.*

He was already there when I opened the door, sitting on the ridiculous medical table with his hand over his arm. He looked up at the sound, and I lost the smile I had been wearing. It wasn't him. Those were not the eyes that belonged to my son. He was someone else, made into someone new and dangerous. This was not Taikai. This was Heero, not even truly human, only a creation of Dr. J.

I bit down on my lip to stop its trembling, forcing the smile back into place. He couldn't know who I was, and he probably wouldn't even believe me if I told him.

"Hi," was the only word I could say to him, even though I wanted to tell him so much more. "I'm Dante." He looked at me seriously, considering me so completely that it made me self conscious. How could those eyes have changed so much? Where was the emotion? They were still clear, so piercingly clear, and deep with wisdom, but there simply was nothing else. No pain, no love, not anything that would betray what he was feeling. If indeed he could feel anything at all.

I swallowed hard to force the urge to weep down. Taikai did not acknowledge my distress at being with him. I know he noticed, for there was nothing those eyes did not see, but he chose to ignore it. I took his arm to examine it, feeling my heart break. After ten years I still loved him just as much as I ever did, but after ten years, he no longer knew what the word meant.

*And only forever have I lost you.*

"There, you're done." I tied off the bandage after I had cleaned and stitched up the slit. I wished he would cry out or at least wince in pain, letting me know that he had kept at least part of his mortality. He never moved, and never said a word. I could give him no comfort, and I could say nothing to him.

I wanted to tell him everything, but I knew very well what would happen if I did. I would either be killed or never allowed to see him again. I didn't want that to happen, so I didn't say anything. But when I had finished and he had jumped down from the table, he looked at me. Looked at me intently with those deep blue eyes. There was no recognition in them, but I felt something pass between us.

"Thank you, Dante," he said. They were the first words I had heard him say since he had murmured, "mommy" ten years ago. His voice had changed as well. It was dark, ominous, not belonging to a young boy, but a soldier. A perfect soldier.

"You're welcome," I paused on the verge of saying his name. His real name, not the one that Dr. J had given him. He noticed the hesitation, and raised a quisitive eyebrow looking like his father with the gesture. "Heero." I finished in a sigh, breaking our gaze. He nodded, fingered the bandaged arm, and walked past me out of the room. I began to clean up, allowing my tears to fall unhindered.

I heard someone enter a moment later, and turned to find Dr. J considering me with his flashing glasses.

"Are you satisfied?" He asked in a calm steady voice. I knew then why he had allowed me near my son. He wanted to prove to me that Taikai was no longer anyone's child, and that I was foolish to think that anything could bring us together after what had been done to him. The only thing I could do was nod, not trusting myself to say anything.

"The Gundam is nearly finished," he went on, ignoring the trails of tears down my cheeks. "Would you like to see the product made by your husband's hands?" I shook my head, not wanting to see anything that would begin the destruction of the planet that used to be my home.

"The colonies owe you much, Dante. You've no idea how much you've done for them." I turned away, wanting him to leave me alone. I didn't care about the colonies. They had never cared for me. They had killed my husband, taken my son, and destroyed my spirit. Everything had gone so badly. I heard Dr. J snicker behind me, and then his footsteps as he left the room. I wrapped my arms around myself, the only thing I could see was the cold depths of Heero's eyes. He was no longer my Taikai, and I found I could not call him by that name, even in my mind.

I knelt down on the floor, rocking back and forth. He was going to war, and I would more than likely never see him again. He had left me a long time before, never to return. My shoulders shook with my sobs. I'd lost him forever, and I had never known him to begin with.

*But only a dreamer could wake up, as I do,
And hope it's still yesterday.*

I held the flower Heero had left behind so tightly my hand was shaking. I wanted to go back to the beginning. Back to the days when Kit was alive, and I was happy. I wanted to go back in time and prevent his death. How our lives would have been changed for the better. "Oh Kit," I murmured as I knelt there next to the bed, alone and sorrowful. "My wishes are useless, and my dreams won't come true in this place. I can't help him, only you can watch over him now. Keep him safe until I can tell him the truth." I kissed the flower, smiling softly as I remembered the roses, and tucked it into a book. I could not keep Heero, but I could keep the flower and remember him forever.

*Touch the wind.*

Heero stood alone on the beach, watching the sun set over the ocean for the first time. Dante had been right. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever witnessed. He breathed in deeply, smelling the fresh tang of salt on the breeze. The soft wind ruffled his hair, and pulled the waves up around his ankles in gentle sweeps. The terrors he had faced upon coming to the planet faded into the coming night. He could retrieve the Gundam later, he could take care of that girl later, his mission could wait until the morning. For now there was simply him and the perfection of nature. He spread his arms out to either side, enjoying the wind.

*Catch my love as it goes sailing.*

The ocean made him think of Dante. He had left Hana's flower behind for her, though he didn't know why. He felt that she should have it. She was pure and good, like Hana had been. His throat tightened as he thought of them. They were the only people in all space that he felt anything for. Dante had told him to live by his emotions, but he couldn't tell them apart anymore. He knew the names, anger, compassion, fear, love, but he could not understand what each felt like. The wind blew across his cheek, just as a tear slid down his face. He had no reason to weep, but he couldn't stop. He crouched down, hugging his knees, wondering why. The waves swept about him in sympathy, but he felt alone. Usually that didn't bother him, but he wanted someone to share in the simple beauty of the water. Dante would understand, she seemed to understand him better than anyone. She looked at him differently, and he remembered as he looked up at the stars that she had said that she loved him. No one had ever told him that. Dante was special that way. She knew who he was, while he had yet to find that out for himself.

*I'll be easy to find.*

Who was Heero Yuy anyway? He was a soldier, and a terrorist. But who came before Heero Yuy? Was there someone else? He suspected very strongly that Dante could tell him the answers to his questions, but he didn't know if he would ever get back to the colonies alive. Does it really matter, Heero? He asked himself as he crouched there. Do you really want to know? He considered it, watching the stars, cold and distant, then studying the warm sunlight as it trickled behind the water. Yes, he told himself, I do want to know. I want to know who I am. He decided then that he did want to live through this, if he could, so he could return to the colonies, free and strong, to discover himself. To find the soul of Heero Yuy before it had been taken from him, and he had a pretty good idea of where to start looking.

*On the wings of the morning I'll go sailing.*

He stayed on the beach all that night, thinking of himself, and of the Gundam. Wing was all he had known. Wing was all he had lived for. Wing was the tool with which he would free the colonies, and in the process free himself. He was the heart of the Gundam, and the Gundam was the heart of the colonies. That is who you are, Heero, the wind whispered with the dawn. You are the heart of space. That thought made him smile. There was more to it than that, but this revelation was a beginning. He could search more after he had accomplished his mission and returned to ask Dante the questions he'd been asking himself all night long. He stood against the sunrise, purpose making him determined to fight and win. He would take the Gundam Wing and liberate his soul.

*And I'll be close to you.*

The last stars faded with the bright light of the sun as Heero walked along the beach. They were so cold compared to the brilliance and strength of the largest of the midst. The sun outshone them all. As each winked out they seemed to ask him who he was, as they had been asking him for all his life. He was ready for it this time. Taking a deep breath, and allowing the breeze to blow his hair in his eyes, he smiled. His code name was Heero Yuy, but he had the spirit of the wind. . .and Dante's ocean in his eyes.