The Cast
Granny Weatherwax
Briginna vonda Hilton shluff (Bridgy)
David O' Reilly
Rinoa Watt
Flash back man
Rinoa's dancers
The other room mate
Scream man
Michael woods
3 Aliens
Taxman
Legal lady
The Play
Act one scene one.
(Granny Weather wax sits in her chair stroking her cat. Upper stage right.)
Telephone rings
Granny: Hello weatherwax manner, bord failte approved may I add two star guesthouse we specialise in traditional Irish food. Perfect whatever the weather (Sound effect: drip drip. Prop: drip in bucket.) May I take your booking? ...(Pause)... Wrong number oh well, that's okay dearie. Goodbye.
(To Audience) Do I sound like a Chinese takeaway to you?
Telephone rings
Granny: Hello weather manner, bord failte approved, may I add two star guesthouse we specialise in traditional Irish food. Perfect whatever the ... Your who? (In German accent) Ze Taxman, what is ze taxman, no I don't own a hostel, I not granny weatherwax, I'm granny veather vaxen. Slan Abhaile!
(Slams down telephone.)
I hate this democratic government.
(Enter Rinoa: Stage left down centre stage steps. Begins to pet the cat.)
Rinoa: I had an audition today, I think it went very well.
Granny: That's nice dearie.
Rinoa: They didn't laugh at me as much this time! Wanna see what I did?
(Granny shakes head vigorously but Rinoa continues on.)
(She begins to sing along with the song fever. Rest of class join in clicking while she sings for about one minute. Enter David up the steps, pushes Rinoa, turns off the music and leaves on low rock music, opens the fridge, takes out a carton of milk and drinks, hands empty carton to Rinoa and exits.)
(Enter Bridgy: Stage right. Stands centre stage.)
Bridgy: That was a close one there, on the edge of my seat with excitement. Those Cork Ejjets think they can play, but they havn't seen the last of us! G, g, g, g, Galway, the best in the west!
Granny: That's nice Dearie, who's the pest in the vest?
Bridgy: Great game, fantastic, you should have been there, now that's bingo!
(Jumps up and looks at watch.)
TELLY BINGO is on down the pub in seven minutes and fifty-six seconds. (Sings the telly bingo song Tuesday nights, pauses.) Hang on a minute, that isn't right, telly bingo Friday nights!
(Exit Bridgy)
David: Did someone say pub?
(Walks slowly out the door.)
Rinoa: David, David how do you turn your stereo off?
(Follows out door.)
Granny: (Turns off stereo with remote.) They were so different when they first arrived.
Flashback
Flashback man runs across the stage holding sign saying flashback.
Props people give Granny a desk.
(Enter Bridgy, in a suit, professional looking with a posh voice.)
Bridgy: Good afternoon, my name is Briginna Vonda Hilton Schluff. I am here to apply for the position of the assistant liver ... rent payer ... paying guest ... oxygen sharing...
Granny: You mean the lodger?
Bridgy: Is that what the commoners call it now?
Granny: So, do you have any money?
Bridgy: Would a poor person have a name like mine! I will have you know my blood is very blue.
Granny: But is your money green?
Bridgy: Why I never ... Well, I am studying Art culture and Philosophy in Trinity College ...
Granny: Trinity? Are you a member of some sort of satanic cult?
Bridgy: ... what? Satanic cult? The only cult I know of is that jolly dreadful bingo rubbish, If I ever catch myself playing ... Excuse me, did you just insult my college, Trinity college, the most prestigious college in Ireland and possibly in Europe!
Granny: Why do you own the place?
Bridgy: Not at the moment but daddy has plans.
Granny: Okay, leave your details and I'll get back to you.
(Exit Bridgy and enter David. David looks like a tourist.)
David: I'm David O' Reilly
Granny: Oh really?
David: No, O' Reilly, I'm a Canadian NOT an American, don't make that mistake many people do.
Granny: So you came all the way from Canadia just to see little old me?
David: I'm researching my family tree, I'm a genealogist.
Granny: Great, can I have a few wishes?
David: (Laughs) Oh is that some of that Irish humour I've been hearing so much about.
Granny: No, The only humour we have around these parts is after too many pints of the black stuff.
David: Tar?
Granny: No, Guinness. By the way, do you drink?
David: God no, I'm what you leprechauns call a pioneer! I hate the stuff; sure the whiff of it alone is enough to knock me out.
Granny: Drink, Drink and be merry! Sing along! Sing a song! Do you like music? Can't stand the loud stuff myself.
David: I love the classical sort, Schubert, Bart, Vivaldi and Mozart (Hand action) all the way.
Granny: (Confused Nod.)
(Exit David and enter Rinoa. In a white lab coat with heavy books under her arm)
Rinoa: Hello, My name is Rinoa watt.
Granny: What?
Rinoa: Watt that's right.
Granny: And why are you here?
Rinoa: I'm here to rent a room. I saw the sign, I' m clever, I notice these things. I'm studying complicated Surgery.
Granny: In college?
Rinoa: No, out of a book.
Granny: How do you afford those books? I hear they're £1.99 in the pound shop.
Rinoa: I sing at the Church part time. The priest pays me to sing and the public pays me to shut up! (Sings in an opera voice, like Charlotte Church, momentarily.)
Granny: (Dazed and confused) That's nice Dearie.
Rinoa: So, do I have the room?
Granny: Oh sorry, they're all full (to audience) of junk! That girl over there has the room.
(Points to a girl standing at the door. She sees Rinoa, screams at the top of her voice and runs off stage. Granny shrugs her shoulders then turns to Rinoa.)
Welcome to weatherwax manor, bord failte approved....
Curtains close.
Act one scene two
Granny sits side stage remote control in hand.
Granny: (Talks to the audience in spooky voice.)
We have control of your television. We control the vertical and horizontal hold. You cannot change the station. (In bright chirpy voice.) Now for an ad!
Aliens can-can onto the stage. Enter Michael woods.
Michael Woods: Hello I'm Michael woods and welcome to another, Daz doorstep challenge. We have three lucky contestants from out of town. (Turns to first alien.)
Alien 1: Flurgen Yurgen
Michael Woods: So, what do you think of new Daz?
Alien 1: (Goes red and begins jumping up and down like a mad physco.)
Michael Woods: I'm glad you like our product so much. I hope the rash clears up soon. (To next alien.) So what do you think of the new out of this world, whiter than white, cleaner than clean, fresher than fresh Surf, no I mean Daz.
Alien 2: That information is classified.
Michael Woods: (Fake Laugh) You aliens crack me up, I'm glad you like our product so much. (Turns to nest alien.)
Alien 3: Hello Mr. Woods. I'm so glad to finally meet you. I watch you on the telly all the time; I absolutely LOVE your work and new Daz. Look at this shirt (Pulls out shirt to show, it's filthy), I was playing Rugby yesterday and you wouldn't think it all, would you? It's just so fantastic, it's amazing, it's the greatest thing since sliced bread and television of course because you are on it... but anyway it's brilliant and I think...
Michael woods: Daz?
Alien 3: No not Daz, Surf. By the way, do you have biddy with you?
Michael Woods: And that's the end of this weeks Daz doorstep challenge. Join us again next week, same Daz time, same daz channel. (To audience) I can't believe they pay me to do this!
Exit all can caning off the stage.
Granny: (To herself) I just love that Michael Woods, he's like Irelands James Bond. (To audience) Oh your still here, I'd thought you'd gone ages ago. So back to the story, I suppose. As you can see, they were so different back then. This house can do strange things to you. (To cat) Isn't that right Cabbage?
Enter scream guy. He runs across the stage and stops in the centre. Looks at a giant map and runs off the stage.
Granny: Or maybe that's just me.
Enter David
David: (Walks into brush). Wow, sorry man. Did I hurt you? What? Who? Where am I? (Walks into the brush again and falls down.) I've fallen and I can't get up.
Granny: Did you leave that vodka bottle on the microwave?
David: There's vodka in the microwave? (Jumps up runs, gets the vodka and falls on the floor to drink it.)
Enter Rinoa
Rinoa: Hey Granny, hey Cabbage. Watcha doing?
Granny: Waiting for a cup of tea.
Rinoa: Why?
Granny: Tea is good.
Rinoa: Why?
Granny: Because you're making it.
Rinoa: Okay, I love you bye-bye. (Goes to make tea.)
Enter Bridgy
Granny: What time is it dearie?
Bridgy: It's two fat ladies 88 hrs until the next telly bingo. B I N G O (Repeats 3 times.)
Granny: Bingo
Bridgy: I won!
Granny: So you're making dinner then pet?
Bridgy: I am? Okay.
Granny: How many spuds are you putting on?
Bridgy: Unlucky for some 13.
Granny: I'd put on 15 myself, 15 grand that is.
Everyone freezes
Rinoa: What did you say?
Granny: Nothing dearie. Just the ramblings of an old lady, a rich, rich old lady.
Rinoa: Oh, right I just didn't hear you.
All sit down except David who's still lying on the floor
David: (Dreamily) What's that stain on the roof?
Bridgy: Is that the lasagne that went missing last week or the spaghetti, the rats stole?
Rinoa: It looks like both.
Granny: I could pay some one to clean that, if I wanted to.
All turn to look at granny then resume conversation.
Rinoa: So what are you doing tonight Bridgy?
Bridgy: I think I'll get out the ladder and clean up that stain and yourself?
Rinoa: I was going to practise my wonderful talent. You know do some voice training. There's one note I just can't hit. This one note listen... (Opens mouth to sing but Bridgy stops her.)
Bridgy: We'll here you later love (To Audience) By God we'll hear you later.
David: I'm off to the shops to buy me some earplugs and a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
Rinoa: But what about your dinner?
David: That stains made me lose my appetite. See you all later.
Exit all
Granny: If only they knew what I know... but sure no one listens to a rich, rich old lady (looks around) there's no one here. Well any way no one listens to me.
Curtains Close
Act one- Scene three
Granny: The morning after the night before. Just look at them.
On cue, all enter. Rinoa is chirpy, Bridgy looks as if she could kill and David, well...
Rinoa: (Sings) Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I've got a wonderful feeling, everything's going my (David slaps her across the head.)
Bridgy: (Gestures and yells) THANK GOD!!!!!
David: Bwahhhhhhhhhh
Rinoa: What?
Bridgy: Hmmh, as the resident David observer I'd say....
David: Bwahhhhhhhhhh
Bridgy: Oh yes, he want's some milk. Bwahhhhhhhhh.
David: Bwahhhhhhhhhh
Bridgy: I just told him there isn't any milk and that the best thing for a hangover is orange juice and coke.
David: Bwahhhhhhhhhh
Bridgy: He disagrees.
Rinoa: So what are we doing today then?
Granny: Shouldn't you lot be off to college? After all, you are college students.
Rinoa: College? Sure how could we afford college? We're only poor students who spend all our money on drink.
Granny: I could spend all my millions on drink, if I really wanted to.
Rinoa: That's nice granny.
Granny: You fools, I'm a rich, rich old lady with no relations. I've got so much money, no body to give it to, if only someone were nice to me I might feel generous. Did I mention I've got so much money and no one to give it to? Why the closest people to me are you three. If I were to die, you'd get all my millions. Oh a poor, rich old lady with more money than sense.
Rinoa: Do you think granny is trying to tell us something?
Bridgy: Does this mean granny want's to give us money? Is everyone thinking what I'm thinking?
Rinoa: Yes, but how do you get a fly to eat a cheese elephant?
David: PUB-CRAWL!!!!!
Bridgy: Not exactly, but what would you do with that much money?
David: I'd buy a telescope and Kurt Cobains guitar.
Rinoa: No drink David?
David: That's all in (taps head) my master plan.
Rinoa: Well I know what I'd do if I had that much money. The first thing I'd buy is happiness.
David: But you can't buy that!
Rinoa: Yes you can, it's on special offer in Burke's Chemist.
Bridgy: Well, I'd buy something sensible. Better than a telescope, guitar or even happiness.
Both: What?
Bridgy: My own bingo hall!!! With Gay Byrne to call out the numbers!!!! Oh boy!!!!!!
Everyone freezes except Bridgy
Bridgy: God what I wouldn't give to have that much money. Wait I already do. Oh well the more the merrier.
Bridgy freezes and Rinoa moves
Rinoa: Wow, all that money, Well maybe I wouldn't buy happiness but just imagine what I could do.
Rinoa freezes and David moves
David: Money - drink - money - drink - money - guitar (makes face) money - drink.
All begin to move again.
Granny: What about that cup of tea?
All: I'll do it.
Granny: And they say money can't buy everything.
Knock on door
Rinoa: Hello there, and who might you be?
Enter Taxman
Taxman: Good afternoon, I'm from the revenue commissioners, is Granny Weatherwax home?
Rinoa: Hold on, one moment please. (To granny) There's a guy here to see you.
Granny: Really? I've been waiting 60 years for an opportunity like this. Hang on a sec. (Begins to dress up.)
Taxman: Good afternoon, is this Weatherwax Hostel? I'm your friendly, neighbourhood taxman!!! (Looks at Granny.) Sorry, I must have the wrong house.
Exit Taxman
Granny: What'd I say? (She falls asleep and begins to mutter quietly, every so often aloud.)
Enter Rinoa
Rinoa: How to get that money quicker than everyone else. Hey, if I just wait a few months she's bound to step under a car, or if I bring her to the cliffs of Moher in a wheelchair. No, I'll hit the bat with an old lady ... wait ... I'll hit the old lady with a bat! But what if she gets angry at me for killing her? Well I know she'd rather I got the money instead of everyone else. I'll do it tonight so everyone can see me. I'll be rich I tell you, spotlessly rich!
Enter Bridgy
Bridgy: Rinoa, did you not see who's outside?
Rinoa: WHO, WHO'S OUTSIDE?
Bridgy: Why, it's Charlotte Church, quick catch her before she runs away.
Rinoa: OH CHARLOTTE!!!! She's my role model, I want to be just like her!
Exit Rinoa
Bridgy: Ha, ha!! Now that she's gone, I have my chance to get the old hag. (Looks at Granny.) So peaceful when she's asleep. (Granny snorts.) Ah, I have to at least give her a chance. Sure I'm not ready now anyway. I'll do it tonight when everyone's too preoccupied with their own petty lives. I'll get that money and live the life of my dreams. A bop on the head should do the trick. (Hears Rinoa scream her name off stage.) Frig, I'd better get out of here.
Exit Bridgy, Enter Rinoa
Rinoa: Charlotte Church isn't outside, how could you shatter my dreams? Get out here you little trollop!
Exit Rinoa and Enter David. During his speech, the girls can be seen fighting in the background.
David: I have to get it, I must have it, sooner rather than later. Imagine what I could do with it all. So many different ways to use it. It's right there in front of me and I can't even have it. If only she'd move, so I could get that beer that's under her chair. But not now I'll come back tonight, slap her across the head and get that beer. It'll be mine I tell you, all mine.
Exit David
Granny: Oh what a lovely rest! Where's my tea? (Looks around) They're all gone! Well they'll not get any of my (makes inverted commas with her fingers) fortune.
Curtains drawn.
Act two- Scene one
It's night time, the stage is pitch black. Granny sits in her chair centre stage. Enter Rinoa, David and Bridgy stage left right and centre. Each carries a torch and a weapon, except David who has a vodka bottle and Rinoa who has a teddy bear. Finally, they bump into each other.
Bridgy: What are you doing here?
Rinoa: I was about to thing you the same ask!
David: The beers mine!!!!
Enter Scream Guy
Scream Guy: Could someone please tell me where is the toilet, I've been stuck here for the past few days!!!
Bridgy: (Points off stage.) How could you, taking advantage of a poor old lady like that?
Rinoa: ME!!!! What about you? You should be ashamed. Look we all want the same thing, lets do it!
David: Hey!! Should we not think about this first?
Rinoa: (Pause) Yep, thought about it.
Grabs Granny by the shoulder who slumps forward and falls out of the chair dead.
Rinoa: That was easy, I didn't even have to hit her!
David: No, I think she was dead already. Damn, we all plan to kill her and she gets there before us.
Bridgy: Great, having a charge for manslaughter on my C.V. wasn't appealing. I guess we report a dead body to the police and wait to reap the rewards!!!!
Curtains close
Act two- Scene two
A woman in a suit sits at a table stage right. David, Rinoa and Bridgy sit opposite.
Legal lady: Well is everyone present? (All nod.) Right so lets get down to business, the will. (All make excited noises.) Granny Weatherwax of Weatherwax hostel has left each of you an individual gift.
Bridgy: A million each I suppose.
LL: Well not exactly. Rinoa Watt, is she present?
Rinoa: Yes, I'm here what do I get?
LL: Granny left you a very special gift indeed, Cabbage the cat.
Rinoa: That old flea bag!!! Does he have a diamond collar or something? (All shake heads.) Damn it, I had so many plans for that money too!
LL: Brigina Vonda Hilltonschluff that's you isn't it? (She nods.) Well granny left you her chair, she said it would be comfortable for during the bingo.
Bridgy: What? Oh well, I'm rich already, at least that chair may come in handy.
LL: And last but not least, David O' Reilly, Granny has left you...
David: What, what?
LL: One can of bass beer.
David: Oh yeah!!! Just what I wanted!
Rinoa: But what about all our money?
Bridgy: Yeah, I want my bingo hall!!!!
LL: (Laughs) Millions, money. The poor old lady was penniless. She gave you three everything she owned, which is worth so much more than money.
Rinoa: I suppose she's right, she gave us everything she owned. I feel so bad.
Bridgy: Yeah, we're so mean, she's right that chair meant so much more than money to her.
David: I got what I wanted!! (Kisses beer can.) I love you all!!!!!
Curtains close.
Act two- Scene three
Each sits centre stage, looking despondent
Rinoa: How cruel are we?
Bridgy: Yeah, we're no better than that stain on the ceiling.
David: (Burps loudly) Ummmmmm. Beeeeeeeeeeeeer.
Knock - knock Enter Taxman.
Rinoa: Hello, oh it's you again. If you're looking for Granny, she isn't here.
Taxman: Really, where is she this time?
Bridgy: Dead.
Taxman: I've heard that excuse already. This time I won't be fobbed off by anything. You's are the only one's here so you'll have to hear this then. Well, any way in 1837 Granny Weatherwax's great, great, great granny's mother died....
David: Look, tell it in short will you, I want to finish my beer.
Taxman: Well In Short, Granny Weatherwax is the proud owner of 300,000 pounds.
All: What!!!!
Taxman: Yeah, but there is one problem. Because she dodged me for so long the tax on this money has been accumulating since 1837 so in fact she now owns nothing. We had to take it all in back taxes.
Rinoa: Just my luck, finally I get some money but to have it taken away.
Bridgy: Gay Byrne, gone forever.
David: Oh well, I'm so drunk I don't care right now, but I'm sure I'll be sorry later.
Bridgy: I suppose it'll teach us not to be greedy.
Rinoa: At least we have a roof over our heads, and, each other.
David: (Belch.)
The End
Granny Weatherwax
Briginna vonda Hilton shluff (Bridgy)
David O' Reilly
Rinoa Watt
Flash back man
Rinoa's dancers
The other room mate
Scream man
Michael woods
3 Aliens
Taxman
Legal lady
The Play
Act one scene one.
(Granny Weather wax sits in her chair stroking her cat. Upper stage right.)
Telephone rings
Granny: Hello weatherwax manner, bord failte approved may I add two star guesthouse we specialise in traditional Irish food. Perfect whatever the weather (Sound effect: drip drip. Prop: drip in bucket.) May I take your booking? ...(Pause)... Wrong number oh well, that's okay dearie. Goodbye.
(To Audience) Do I sound like a Chinese takeaway to you?
Telephone rings
Granny: Hello weather manner, bord failte approved, may I add two star guesthouse we specialise in traditional Irish food. Perfect whatever the ... Your who? (In German accent) Ze Taxman, what is ze taxman, no I don't own a hostel, I not granny weatherwax, I'm granny veather vaxen. Slan Abhaile!
(Slams down telephone.)
I hate this democratic government.
(Enter Rinoa: Stage left down centre stage steps. Begins to pet the cat.)
Rinoa: I had an audition today, I think it went very well.
Granny: That's nice dearie.
Rinoa: They didn't laugh at me as much this time! Wanna see what I did?
(Granny shakes head vigorously but Rinoa continues on.)
(She begins to sing along with the song fever. Rest of class join in clicking while she sings for about one minute. Enter David up the steps, pushes Rinoa, turns off the music and leaves on low rock music, opens the fridge, takes out a carton of milk and drinks, hands empty carton to Rinoa and exits.)
(Enter Bridgy: Stage right. Stands centre stage.)
Bridgy: That was a close one there, on the edge of my seat with excitement. Those Cork Ejjets think they can play, but they havn't seen the last of us! G, g, g, g, Galway, the best in the west!
Granny: That's nice Dearie, who's the pest in the vest?
Bridgy: Great game, fantastic, you should have been there, now that's bingo!
(Jumps up and looks at watch.)
TELLY BINGO is on down the pub in seven minutes and fifty-six seconds. (Sings the telly bingo song Tuesday nights, pauses.) Hang on a minute, that isn't right, telly bingo Friday nights!
(Exit Bridgy)
David: Did someone say pub?
(Walks slowly out the door.)
Rinoa: David, David how do you turn your stereo off?
(Follows out door.)
Granny: (Turns off stereo with remote.) They were so different when they first arrived.
Flashback
Flashback man runs across the stage holding sign saying flashback.
Props people give Granny a desk.
(Enter Bridgy, in a suit, professional looking with a posh voice.)
Bridgy: Good afternoon, my name is Briginna Vonda Hilton Schluff. I am here to apply for the position of the assistant liver ... rent payer ... paying guest ... oxygen sharing...
Granny: You mean the lodger?
Bridgy: Is that what the commoners call it now?
Granny: So, do you have any money?
Bridgy: Would a poor person have a name like mine! I will have you know my blood is very blue.
Granny: But is your money green?
Bridgy: Why I never ... Well, I am studying Art culture and Philosophy in Trinity College ...
Granny: Trinity? Are you a member of some sort of satanic cult?
Bridgy: ... what? Satanic cult? The only cult I know of is that jolly dreadful bingo rubbish, If I ever catch myself playing ... Excuse me, did you just insult my college, Trinity college, the most prestigious college in Ireland and possibly in Europe!
Granny: Why do you own the place?
Bridgy: Not at the moment but daddy has plans.
Granny: Okay, leave your details and I'll get back to you.
(Exit Bridgy and enter David. David looks like a tourist.)
David: I'm David O' Reilly
Granny: Oh really?
David: No, O' Reilly, I'm a Canadian NOT an American, don't make that mistake many people do.
Granny: So you came all the way from Canadia just to see little old me?
David: I'm researching my family tree, I'm a genealogist.
Granny: Great, can I have a few wishes?
David: (Laughs) Oh is that some of that Irish humour I've been hearing so much about.
Granny: No, The only humour we have around these parts is after too many pints of the black stuff.
David: Tar?
Granny: No, Guinness. By the way, do you drink?
David: God no, I'm what you leprechauns call a pioneer! I hate the stuff; sure the whiff of it alone is enough to knock me out.
Granny: Drink, Drink and be merry! Sing along! Sing a song! Do you like music? Can't stand the loud stuff myself.
David: I love the classical sort, Schubert, Bart, Vivaldi and Mozart (Hand action) all the way.
Granny: (Confused Nod.)
(Exit David and enter Rinoa. In a white lab coat with heavy books under her arm)
Rinoa: Hello, My name is Rinoa watt.
Granny: What?
Rinoa: Watt that's right.
Granny: And why are you here?
Rinoa: I'm here to rent a room. I saw the sign, I' m clever, I notice these things. I'm studying complicated Surgery.
Granny: In college?
Rinoa: No, out of a book.
Granny: How do you afford those books? I hear they're £1.99 in the pound shop.
Rinoa: I sing at the Church part time. The priest pays me to sing and the public pays me to shut up! (Sings in an opera voice, like Charlotte Church, momentarily.)
Granny: (Dazed and confused) That's nice Dearie.
Rinoa: So, do I have the room?
Granny: Oh sorry, they're all full (to audience) of junk! That girl over there has the room.
(Points to a girl standing at the door. She sees Rinoa, screams at the top of her voice and runs off stage. Granny shrugs her shoulders then turns to Rinoa.)
Welcome to weatherwax manor, bord failte approved....
Curtains close.
Act one scene two
Granny sits side stage remote control in hand.
Granny: (Talks to the audience in spooky voice.)
We have control of your television. We control the vertical and horizontal hold. You cannot change the station. (In bright chirpy voice.) Now for an ad!
Aliens can-can onto the stage. Enter Michael woods.
Michael Woods: Hello I'm Michael woods and welcome to another, Daz doorstep challenge. We have three lucky contestants from out of town. (Turns to first alien.)
Alien 1: Flurgen Yurgen
Michael Woods: So, what do you think of new Daz?
Alien 1: (Goes red and begins jumping up and down like a mad physco.)
Michael Woods: I'm glad you like our product so much. I hope the rash clears up soon. (To next alien.) So what do you think of the new out of this world, whiter than white, cleaner than clean, fresher than fresh Surf, no I mean Daz.
Alien 2: That information is classified.
Michael Woods: (Fake Laugh) You aliens crack me up, I'm glad you like our product so much. (Turns to nest alien.)
Alien 3: Hello Mr. Woods. I'm so glad to finally meet you. I watch you on the telly all the time; I absolutely LOVE your work and new Daz. Look at this shirt (Pulls out shirt to show, it's filthy), I was playing Rugby yesterday and you wouldn't think it all, would you? It's just so fantastic, it's amazing, it's the greatest thing since sliced bread and television of course because you are on it... but anyway it's brilliant and I think...
Michael woods: Daz?
Alien 3: No not Daz, Surf. By the way, do you have biddy with you?
Michael Woods: And that's the end of this weeks Daz doorstep challenge. Join us again next week, same Daz time, same daz channel. (To audience) I can't believe they pay me to do this!
Exit all can caning off the stage.
Granny: (To herself) I just love that Michael Woods, he's like Irelands James Bond. (To audience) Oh your still here, I'd thought you'd gone ages ago. So back to the story, I suppose. As you can see, they were so different back then. This house can do strange things to you. (To cat) Isn't that right Cabbage?
Enter scream guy. He runs across the stage and stops in the centre. Looks at a giant map and runs off the stage.
Granny: Or maybe that's just me.
Enter David
David: (Walks into brush). Wow, sorry man. Did I hurt you? What? Who? Where am I? (Walks into the brush again and falls down.) I've fallen and I can't get up.
Granny: Did you leave that vodka bottle on the microwave?
David: There's vodka in the microwave? (Jumps up runs, gets the vodka and falls on the floor to drink it.)
Enter Rinoa
Rinoa: Hey Granny, hey Cabbage. Watcha doing?
Granny: Waiting for a cup of tea.
Rinoa: Why?
Granny: Tea is good.
Rinoa: Why?
Granny: Because you're making it.
Rinoa: Okay, I love you bye-bye. (Goes to make tea.)
Enter Bridgy
Granny: What time is it dearie?
Bridgy: It's two fat ladies 88 hrs until the next telly bingo. B I N G O (Repeats 3 times.)
Granny: Bingo
Bridgy: I won!
Granny: So you're making dinner then pet?
Bridgy: I am? Okay.
Granny: How many spuds are you putting on?
Bridgy: Unlucky for some 13.
Granny: I'd put on 15 myself, 15 grand that is.
Everyone freezes
Rinoa: What did you say?
Granny: Nothing dearie. Just the ramblings of an old lady, a rich, rich old lady.
Rinoa: Oh, right I just didn't hear you.
All sit down except David who's still lying on the floor
David: (Dreamily) What's that stain on the roof?
Bridgy: Is that the lasagne that went missing last week or the spaghetti, the rats stole?
Rinoa: It looks like both.
Granny: I could pay some one to clean that, if I wanted to.
All turn to look at granny then resume conversation.
Rinoa: So what are you doing tonight Bridgy?
Bridgy: I think I'll get out the ladder and clean up that stain and yourself?
Rinoa: I was going to practise my wonderful talent. You know do some voice training. There's one note I just can't hit. This one note listen... (Opens mouth to sing but Bridgy stops her.)
Bridgy: We'll here you later love (To Audience) By God we'll hear you later.
David: I'm off to the shops to buy me some earplugs and a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
Rinoa: But what about your dinner?
David: That stains made me lose my appetite. See you all later.
Exit all
Granny: If only they knew what I know... but sure no one listens to a rich, rich old lady (looks around) there's no one here. Well any way no one listens to me.
Curtains Close
Act one- Scene three
Granny: The morning after the night before. Just look at them.
On cue, all enter. Rinoa is chirpy, Bridgy looks as if she could kill and David, well...
Rinoa: (Sings) Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I've got a wonderful feeling, everything's going my (David slaps her across the head.)
Bridgy: (Gestures and yells) THANK GOD!!!!!
David: Bwahhhhhhhhhh
Rinoa: What?
Bridgy: Hmmh, as the resident David observer I'd say....
David: Bwahhhhhhhhhh
Bridgy: Oh yes, he want's some milk. Bwahhhhhhhhh.
David: Bwahhhhhhhhhh
Bridgy: I just told him there isn't any milk and that the best thing for a hangover is orange juice and coke.
David: Bwahhhhhhhhhh
Bridgy: He disagrees.
Rinoa: So what are we doing today then?
Granny: Shouldn't you lot be off to college? After all, you are college students.
Rinoa: College? Sure how could we afford college? We're only poor students who spend all our money on drink.
Granny: I could spend all my millions on drink, if I really wanted to.
Rinoa: That's nice granny.
Granny: You fools, I'm a rich, rich old lady with no relations. I've got so much money, no body to give it to, if only someone were nice to me I might feel generous. Did I mention I've got so much money and no one to give it to? Why the closest people to me are you three. If I were to die, you'd get all my millions. Oh a poor, rich old lady with more money than sense.
Rinoa: Do you think granny is trying to tell us something?
Bridgy: Does this mean granny want's to give us money? Is everyone thinking what I'm thinking?
Rinoa: Yes, but how do you get a fly to eat a cheese elephant?
David: PUB-CRAWL!!!!!
Bridgy: Not exactly, but what would you do with that much money?
David: I'd buy a telescope and Kurt Cobains guitar.
Rinoa: No drink David?
David: That's all in (taps head) my master plan.
Rinoa: Well I know what I'd do if I had that much money. The first thing I'd buy is happiness.
David: But you can't buy that!
Rinoa: Yes you can, it's on special offer in Burke's Chemist.
Bridgy: Well, I'd buy something sensible. Better than a telescope, guitar or even happiness.
Both: What?
Bridgy: My own bingo hall!!! With Gay Byrne to call out the numbers!!!! Oh boy!!!!!!
Everyone freezes except Bridgy
Bridgy: God what I wouldn't give to have that much money. Wait I already do. Oh well the more the merrier.
Bridgy freezes and Rinoa moves
Rinoa: Wow, all that money, Well maybe I wouldn't buy happiness but just imagine what I could do.
Rinoa freezes and David moves
David: Money - drink - money - drink - money - guitar (makes face) money - drink.
All begin to move again.
Granny: What about that cup of tea?
All: I'll do it.
Granny: And they say money can't buy everything.
Knock on door
Rinoa: Hello there, and who might you be?
Enter Taxman
Taxman: Good afternoon, I'm from the revenue commissioners, is Granny Weatherwax home?
Rinoa: Hold on, one moment please. (To granny) There's a guy here to see you.
Granny: Really? I've been waiting 60 years for an opportunity like this. Hang on a sec. (Begins to dress up.)
Taxman: Good afternoon, is this Weatherwax Hostel? I'm your friendly, neighbourhood taxman!!! (Looks at Granny.) Sorry, I must have the wrong house.
Exit Taxman
Granny: What'd I say? (She falls asleep and begins to mutter quietly, every so often aloud.)
Enter Rinoa
Rinoa: How to get that money quicker than everyone else. Hey, if I just wait a few months she's bound to step under a car, or if I bring her to the cliffs of Moher in a wheelchair. No, I'll hit the bat with an old lady ... wait ... I'll hit the old lady with a bat! But what if she gets angry at me for killing her? Well I know she'd rather I got the money instead of everyone else. I'll do it tonight so everyone can see me. I'll be rich I tell you, spotlessly rich!
Enter Bridgy
Bridgy: Rinoa, did you not see who's outside?
Rinoa: WHO, WHO'S OUTSIDE?
Bridgy: Why, it's Charlotte Church, quick catch her before she runs away.
Rinoa: OH CHARLOTTE!!!! She's my role model, I want to be just like her!
Exit Rinoa
Bridgy: Ha, ha!! Now that she's gone, I have my chance to get the old hag. (Looks at Granny.) So peaceful when she's asleep. (Granny snorts.) Ah, I have to at least give her a chance. Sure I'm not ready now anyway. I'll do it tonight when everyone's too preoccupied with their own petty lives. I'll get that money and live the life of my dreams. A bop on the head should do the trick. (Hears Rinoa scream her name off stage.) Frig, I'd better get out of here.
Exit Bridgy, Enter Rinoa
Rinoa: Charlotte Church isn't outside, how could you shatter my dreams? Get out here you little trollop!
Exit Rinoa and Enter David. During his speech, the girls can be seen fighting in the background.
David: I have to get it, I must have it, sooner rather than later. Imagine what I could do with it all. So many different ways to use it. It's right there in front of me and I can't even have it. If only she'd move, so I could get that beer that's under her chair. But not now I'll come back tonight, slap her across the head and get that beer. It'll be mine I tell you, all mine.
Exit David
Granny: Oh what a lovely rest! Where's my tea? (Looks around) They're all gone! Well they'll not get any of my (makes inverted commas with her fingers) fortune.
Curtains drawn.
Act two- Scene one
It's night time, the stage is pitch black. Granny sits in her chair centre stage. Enter Rinoa, David and Bridgy stage left right and centre. Each carries a torch and a weapon, except David who has a vodka bottle and Rinoa who has a teddy bear. Finally, they bump into each other.
Bridgy: What are you doing here?
Rinoa: I was about to thing you the same ask!
David: The beers mine!!!!
Enter Scream Guy
Scream Guy: Could someone please tell me where is the toilet, I've been stuck here for the past few days!!!
Bridgy: (Points off stage.) How could you, taking advantage of a poor old lady like that?
Rinoa: ME!!!! What about you? You should be ashamed. Look we all want the same thing, lets do it!
David: Hey!! Should we not think about this first?
Rinoa: (Pause) Yep, thought about it.
Grabs Granny by the shoulder who slumps forward and falls out of the chair dead.
Rinoa: That was easy, I didn't even have to hit her!
David: No, I think she was dead already. Damn, we all plan to kill her and she gets there before us.
Bridgy: Great, having a charge for manslaughter on my C.V. wasn't appealing. I guess we report a dead body to the police and wait to reap the rewards!!!!
Curtains close
Act two- Scene two
A woman in a suit sits at a table stage right. David, Rinoa and Bridgy sit opposite.
Legal lady: Well is everyone present? (All nod.) Right so lets get down to business, the will. (All make excited noises.) Granny Weatherwax of Weatherwax hostel has left each of you an individual gift.
Bridgy: A million each I suppose.
LL: Well not exactly. Rinoa Watt, is she present?
Rinoa: Yes, I'm here what do I get?
LL: Granny left you a very special gift indeed, Cabbage the cat.
Rinoa: That old flea bag!!! Does he have a diamond collar or something? (All shake heads.) Damn it, I had so many plans for that money too!
LL: Brigina Vonda Hilltonschluff that's you isn't it? (She nods.) Well granny left you her chair, she said it would be comfortable for during the bingo.
Bridgy: What? Oh well, I'm rich already, at least that chair may come in handy.
LL: And last but not least, David O' Reilly, Granny has left you...
David: What, what?
LL: One can of bass beer.
David: Oh yeah!!! Just what I wanted!
Rinoa: But what about all our money?
Bridgy: Yeah, I want my bingo hall!!!!
LL: (Laughs) Millions, money. The poor old lady was penniless. She gave you three everything she owned, which is worth so much more than money.
Rinoa: I suppose she's right, she gave us everything she owned. I feel so bad.
Bridgy: Yeah, we're so mean, she's right that chair meant so much more than money to her.
David: I got what I wanted!! (Kisses beer can.) I love you all!!!!!
Curtains close.
Act two- Scene three
Each sits centre stage, looking despondent
Rinoa: How cruel are we?
Bridgy: Yeah, we're no better than that stain on the ceiling.
David: (Burps loudly) Ummmmmm. Beeeeeeeeeeeeer.
Knock - knock Enter Taxman.
Rinoa: Hello, oh it's you again. If you're looking for Granny, she isn't here.
Taxman: Really, where is she this time?
Bridgy: Dead.
Taxman: I've heard that excuse already. This time I won't be fobbed off by anything. You's are the only one's here so you'll have to hear this then. Well, any way in 1837 Granny Weatherwax's great, great, great granny's mother died....
David: Look, tell it in short will you, I want to finish my beer.
Taxman: Well In Short, Granny Weatherwax is the proud owner of 300,000 pounds.
All: What!!!!
Taxman: Yeah, but there is one problem. Because she dodged me for so long the tax on this money has been accumulating since 1837 so in fact she now owns nothing. We had to take it all in back taxes.
Rinoa: Just my luck, finally I get some money but to have it taken away.
Bridgy: Gay Byrne, gone forever.
David: Oh well, I'm so drunk I don't care right now, but I'm sure I'll be sorry later.
Bridgy: I suppose it'll teach us not to be greedy.
Rinoa: At least we have a roof over our heads, and, each other.
David: (Belch.)
The End