Wildest Times
Disclaimer: I own naught. Thou shalt hail Whedon and Greenwalt. I
swear, I didn't make Riley. Or he would've been dead the second he set his foot
in Buffyverse.
Rating: PG-13
Content: Riley Bashing and
AU
Spoilers : The basics…very general Buffy and Angel stuff.
Author's Notes: This is a new release. I wrote it last summer,
just before school started. And, no, I *dont* know the exact dimensions of a
Fisher Price sand box.
Feedback: Oooh, pretty please, with a de-veined Riley on top!
On a dark gloomy Tuesday...
Riley smiled proudly at his new sandbox. He loved the sand. It
made his fingers all tingly. If only Bessie could see him now. He'd gotten his
first sandbox at the Home Depot for the clearance price of 67.99, 72.75 plus
tax. Riley even framed the receipt. He couldn't wait to show it to Buffy and
her friends. Now Buffy could really compare him to Angel. Riley smirked. There
was no way that Angel had a Fisher-Price sandbox that was four inches deep and
had a sixteen-foot area. All Riley had to do now, was to fill it with sand. He
scratched his head. How was he gonna do that?
*****
"So, Buffy, is Riley taking you out?" Willow asked as
she picked out a fluffy white cardigan and looked it over.
Buffy handed her a light blue halter-top. "He said he was
taking me to the beach. And said something about a back yard. I wasn't
listening." She shrugged. "It's kind of a no-go thing. There's
supposed to be some thunder storms this afternoon."
"Still angry at Xander?"
Buffy snorted. "He had a point. Riley is the
embodiment of an Environment-Protector. The Superman of the anti-maltreatment
of cows!" Willow watched in amazement as Buffy dissed her boyfriend.
"And, I conclude that he really is a lesbian. We'll take a
commercial break, now." Buffy imitated a TV spokesman.
Willow looked at Buffy worriedly and felt her friend's forehead.
"Are you okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Buffy asked in a less-than happy
voice. She looked down at the floor. "Look how low I've sunk." Willow
watched as her friend looked down at herself.
Then, Willow pushed her friend's chin up. "And?"
Buffy bit her lip and forced a tear out of her eye. "I still
miss Angel," she said quietly. When Willow rolled her eyes, Buffy began to
pout.
"Not budging," Willow said firmly. "I have resolve
face." Buffy looked up at her, beseechingly, with huge, innocent eyes.
Just like a Precious Moment figure. "Sorry, Buffy."
Then, Buffy burst into tears.
Willow couldn't stand it. Here they were, in the middle of a
department store, and Buffy not only gets all angsty, but she cries. That meant
Willow would cry too.
"Oh, okay, okay. C'mon, let's go grab ice cream," Willow
said, sighing, stopping it all before she too would begin think of Oz. Buffy
began to smile through her tears.
"But you're going to that date, rain or not." Buffy shivered. A beach, in a backyard. She
wondered if this plan would really work.
*****
Riley huffed and puffed as he dragged the last bag of sand to the
sandbox, which he had placed in yard of the house he'd rented. Riley plopped
down beside the bag. The afternoon sun shone mercilessly, making Riley sweat
like a pig. Bessie, give me strength. He wiped his forehead with his arm
and looked at the bag of sand behind him. Farm Boy got up and poured it into
the sand box and slumped forwards, in a dead faint.
*****
"I don't wanna go!" Buffy whined. "I don't wanna
go!" She ducked Willow and ran into the bathroom, where the redhead
finally cornered her.
Willow rolled her eyes and yanked a cute red dress over Buffy's
head. "You're acting like a kid."
"What? Being a Slayer means I can't be immature?" Buffy
asked defensively. She curled her lips up in a pout and smoothed the dress over
her swimsuit.
"That doesn't work on me, remember?" Willow said
patiently. "It may work on Giles, Spike, or Angel, but it doesn't work on
me." The redhead pushed her friend into a seat.
Buffy slumped down in her seat. "I liked sparring with Giles.
I liked verbally sparring with Spike. I liked sparring with Angel. But verbally
sparring with you is useless."
"I know. I developed a resistance." Willow brushed
Buffy's hair patiently.
"I still don't wanna go," Buffy said firmly.
Willow stayed silent.
"Turn me into a rat, anything!" Buffy begged, looking
helplessly at Amy, who waved enthusiastically with her front paws. "See?
Even she agrees with me!"
Willow glared at Amy. The rat stopped squeaking. "Amy just
got on a new feed. That's why she's so chipper."
"Chocolate?" Buffy asked sweetly. "There's a box in
one of my drawers..."
*****
"Bessie...I want you...forever..." Riley mumbled
incoherently in his sleep. Suddenly, a fat raindrop splashed against his
forehead. He looked up and began to sob. It was gonna rain and his sandbox was
going to get ruined! The pain and the agony of it made Riley sob even harder as
he stumbled into his house.
"Nooooo!" Riley screamed, pulling at his hair.
"Noooo!" Fish Boy fell to his knees. Then, he stopped. Water plus
sand equaled...beach, right? Grinning his totally lame grin, Riley flounced to
the phone and took out the phone book he'd swiped from Buffy's room. He was
going call that Angel person. Let him see what Finns were really made of. No
one could beat him now. Riley had a portable beach!
*****
"Angel," Cordelia said tiredly, "you have an
appointment with a client from Sunnydale at noon."
When there wasn't any response, Cordy raised her voice to the max.
"Angel! There's some whacked out dude from Sunnydale with a problem! I
think it's about a sandbox haunting his backyard!" Just about when she was
ready to scream again, she heard a thump from downstairs and nodded in
satisfaction.
Angel stumbled up the stairs and tripped on the last step.
"What?"
Cordelia smirked. "There's a sandbox haunting a backyard in
Sunnydale. Here's the address." She handed him a piece of paper.
Angel glared at her and took the piece of paper. "I think
I'll need you to help. Pack a bucket of holy water in the car. I'm gonna make
some phone calls."
"Hey! No fair!" Cordelia whined as Wesley dragged her
out of the building. "You owe me a ten percent raise!"
Angel shrugged and picked up the phone.
*****
Riley hopped around his house like a bunny on a sugar binge, no
make that Prozac. He made weird clucking noises as he waited for the clock to
strike twelve and turned to the large figurine of Bessie. Riley dropped to his
knees and began leaning over to kiss the ground his goddess was standing on,
which tasted a lot like polyester rug.
Coughing out the little bits of rug that had gotten stuck between
his teeth and on this mouth, Riley giggled and kissed the cow figurine. He
could've sworn that it had mooed back in reply, but he giggled it off and
skipped into the kitchen to have some pickles and peanut butter.
*****
"Riley," Buffy confirmed flatly as she opened the dorm
door to reveal Riley, whose mouth was smeared with peanut butter and bits of
dill pickles. "Peanut butter?"
Riley hiccupped and chortled, "Finn delicacy. Momma used to
fry them in pig lard. I'll make you some when we get home." He belched.
Buffy backed away and shut the door.
"Willow!" Buffy shouted. "You're coming with us!
Xander! Anya! Giles! Spike! Everyone!"
"What?" Willow asked stumbling in as she drying her hair
with a towel. Buffy seized her arm and dragged her out of the building with a
tug.
"Oh, crap!" Buffy stopped just outside of the campus and
groaned. "Oh god. No. This *isn't* happening."
Riley was settled comfortably in the driver's part of the go-cart.
He motioned enthusiastically to the back of go-cart, which was stuffed full of
hay. Two terribly scrawny cows were attempting to pull the go-cart at Riley's
command.
"Uh, Buffy?" Willow squeaked out.
Buffy didn't answer. Instead, she grabbed Willow again and hid out
of Riley's view. "So this is why you wanted me to date Riley? For a dorky
go-cart ride?" Buffy whispered harshly.
"Buffy," Willow squeaked again.
"Angel would've had an ice cream pig out instead of a
freakshow! He *likes* ice cream. He doesn't *care* about cow
maltreatment!" Buffy whispered angrily.
"Uh," Willow said helplessly. Then, she brightened.
"We'll call Cordelia! She'll scare him off," the Wicca suggested.
They heard a loud noise and turned to where Riley was. Both girls
winced and walked over to Riley.
"I can explain," Riley replied drunkenly.
"This better be a good one, Riley," Buffy said
menacingly. She climbed into the back on the go-cart and pulled Willow in as
well.
*****
"I can't believe you made us do this," Xander groaned as
they hit another pothole on the expressway.
"Heehaw!" Riley whooped as they were nearly run over by
a Mack truck. "Ain't this fun, Buffy?" Iowa Boy drawled.
"Heehaw!"
"Buffy, this is extremely hazardous to my health," Giles
gasped as he emptied out his stomach contents over the side of the go-cart.
"I believe that I'll be coughing up my stomach sooner or later."
"Hey! I wasn't the one who wanted a go-cart ride!" Buffy
shot back. She jerked her thumb towards Willow.
Everyone glared at the redhead.
"You, Red? Why? Why the bloody heck did you start all this?
God, marry the man and get with it!" Spike keened, coming at the girl.
Willow flushed and huffed out, "I was going through a
phase."
"What, PMS? Depression? Lack of orgies?" Anya snorted as
she grabbed onto Xander to avoid falling over the side of the go-cart.
Then, Riley giggled. "Let's sing a song!"
The Scooby Gang groaned.
The scrawny cows mooed.
Giles threw up.
"Quit throwin' up, Watcher!" Spike bellowed. Then, he
smirked. "I think that was your bloody stomach!"
"Oh, yes, quite so," Giles replied, throwing his head
over the side again. "I think my spleen's next."
"Y'know, I really should get in contact with the Demon of
Scorned Men," Anya said casually. Then, she glared daggers at Willow.
The redhead squared her shoulders. "Riley won't last, I'll
tell you that," Willow said firmly.
*****
"Are you sure this is the right place?" Angel asked as
he pulled up to the third house on the right, the one with several cow
figurines on the front yard.
"Yup, this is it. Now, let's hurry up. I have an audition at
four," Cordelia said cheerily. "It's just an exorcism, right?"
"Sure," Angel muttered under his breath.
"Come on!" Cordelia yanked Angel across the driveway and
into the backyard.
*****
"Love ya," Riley slurred as he stopped the go-cart at
his place. "Whaddaya think, Buffy? Better than Angel's, huh? More
manly?" Riley hiccupped.
Buffy remained silent. Great. Wonderful. Swell. She stared
at the horribly run-down house. The roof was caving in and the fence looked
like it'd been beaten up by...something. Weeds and trees overran the yard.
Chickens and pigs were rampaging the yard, making it look like a madhouse.
Then she saw them.
*****
Cordelia groaned in distaste when she saw the pigs and chickens
running after each other. She looked to Wesley, who looked like he was about to
pass out from the smell.
"Angel? Can we go home now?" Cordy asked, looking meekly
at her boss.
Angel shrugged and turned around.
"Hey, it's Buffy," Cordy said, frowning. "Why's she
here?"
When Cordy looked closer, she smiled. "Hey, it's Riley! Go
beat him up." She grinned at Angel, who raised his eyebrows.
"C'mon, Batman versus G.I Joe. It's a given! And don't you
have those 18th century issues? Y'know…you fight a duel…run him
through with a sword…all that stuff *excluding* getting groiny with the Duchess
of Buffonia right after?"
"Yes, I certainly agree," Wesley added, "remove
that thick-headed bloke's spleen and have it over with."
When Willow came bounding over to them, Cordelia waved her over
with a smile.
"Hey! Angel!" Willow's smile disappeared. "Angel.
Riley. Oh," the redhead concluded. Then she brightened. "That's good!"
"You took a go-cart ride?" Cordelia asked when she saw
Giles hurry off the cart just in time to throw up in the bushes near the
mailbox.
"My fault," Willow said with a sheepish grin. "I
thought he'd be good for Buffy."
Angel raised an eyebrow. Cordelia sighed and rolled her eyes.
Wesley groaned.
"Sorry," Willow whispered. "I was getting over
Oz." Then, she patted Angel's arm. "Another victim of Willow
Weepiness. You're still sane. A real trooper."
Angel just shrugged.
*****
"This is..." Riley said, pausing dramatically, "my
sandbox!" Riley squealed, taking off the cloth that covered his treasure.
"Angel has a much bigger one," Cordelia said, rolling
her eyes.
Willow smiled and chimed in, "Yeah. He has the beach. The
Santa Monica beach."
Riley's eyes widened, and he turned to Buffy.
"Yeah, really!" she threw over her shoulder as she
returned to her heated conversation with Angel.
Then, Spike smirked.
"Bet ya can't dive in yours, Captain Cardboard."
"Yes I can!" Riley said, puffing out his chest and
striding over to his sandbox. He ripped off his shirt, fumbling a little when
he found he didn't have the strength to rip it off, so her worked on the
buttons. When he finished, Cordelia let
out a gasp.
"Oh my god, you're in an affair with a porcelain cow?"
she screeched in disgust. She stared at the large, heart-shaped tattoo that
read: Bessie and Riley 4-eva. It even had small cow heads floating around.
"Yes, I am. And real proud 'da it too," Riley said
pouting. "She gives me good luck when I play with Pokemon cards and say
the ABC."
"What are you?" Wesley asked in horror. "Y-your're…you're
not normal!" Riley grinned.
"I'm a Finn. And I'm in the army. My da was a janitor and my
ma is a cow."
"Aw, too bad. Thought your ma was some sort 'o genetic
mutation," Spike said.
"I accidentally ran over Pa with my tractor, but he's okay
'cause he's dead," Riley continued happily. Then, when he looked at Buffy
for approval, he let out a sob. She was busy laughing along with Angel,
steadying herself by leaning on his shoulder.
"But now it's my turn to go to go join the other cows,"
Riley said pathetically. "No one loves me."
"Oh, you've got that right, Fish Boy!" Buffy said
smirking.
Then, Riley dived into the sandbox.
For a moment, his legs dangled in the air. Then, they became rigid
and limp.
"Whoohoo!" Willow hooted. "He's dead! Oh, yeah!
He's DEAD!" She hugged Spike, Giles, Xander, and Wesley. When she came to
Angel, she jumped up and down.
"I did it! He's dead!" Then, she grabbed Cordy's
shoulders and they both cheered.
Buffy hugged Willow and said, "I told you that a sandbox
would work. See?" She pointed to the bottom half of Riley's corpse.
"Told you idiots that he'd buy the fact that he had a
portable beach!" Spike said; his arms crossed.
Then, a loud, mournful moo came from inside the house. The Scooby
Gang turned and let out big bouts of laughter. Bessie, the cow ran out to
Riley's dead body and mooed in sorrow.
"So whadda we do now?" Xander asked.
Spike smirked. "I say we have a little fun with our dead
Riley. You can go get some fresh hamburger."
"Get the shovels!" Willow called to Anya, who complied
and gave everyone a shovel. Wesley, however brought his rake. He raised it
threateningly at Fish Boy's corpse.
"Well, what're we waiting for?" he asked, hefting his
rake.
And so, the Scooby Gang literally bashed the Riley corpse.
*****
Four hours later...
"Willow, Angel and I are going," Buffy said, placing her
shovel and Angel's metal baseball bat against the chain link fence.
Willow looked up from her piece of Riley and waved them off with a
large grin and continued to hack away. This was good therapy. Even better than
picking out her best friend's boyfriends. Maybe she'd go after Parker alone.
Buffy turned back to Angel. "Wanna drive me back to the dorm?"
Angel smiled at that.
*****
"Hey, I want his head!" Willow whined, glaring at Spike.
"Sorry, Red, I hacked it off first, now give me back his
bloody ear!" Spike growled.
"I thought you didn't like him!"
"Are you a bloody imbecile? I want Fish Boy's bloody head on
my wall. That's what happens when they mess with my sire's Blondie."
Willow raised her eyebrows.
"Oh, for the love of Satan, just give me the bloke's bloody
head!"
Willow pouted and kicked Riley's head over to Spike.
"And the ear, Red. Come on, now," Spike said
impatiently.
"Fine," Willow said, tossing it to him. "But I want
the heart and spleen."
"Bloody fine with me," Spike said, carrying the head in
one arm and the ear in the other. He couldn't wait to get this on the wall of
his crypt. It'd go beautifully with his drapes.
*****
Epilogue
"Spike and Angel beat me to Parker, though," Willow said
to the college student in front of her. She shifted in her wheelchair with and smiled. "But still, that
party rocked."
"What happened to Buffy and Angel?"
"Well, they got back together."
"Did they have any kids?"
"No," the elderly woman said softly. "She died five
or six years after, but she was happy. Slayers don't live long."
The raven-haired girl smiled. "That's what Grandpa Xander
said."
"I knew you looked kinda like him," Willow replied with
a small smile.
"Is Angel still around?"
"Just barely, but yes, he is."
"Would he talk to me?"
"No, Angel doesn't like to be reminded about the past. Or
about Buffy's death." Willow reached into her purse and brought out a
portrait of the Scooby Gang. With a shaky finger, she pointed to the bright,
young woman in the center.
"Buffy, right?"
"Yup. The guy with his hands on her shoulders is Angel."
"Angel? They're a cute couple. They have the whole light-dark
thing going. "
"She was lucky the first time around, I guess."
"Do you have a picture of Riley?"
Willow reached into her purse again and brought out a picture of
Riley. "He had a scary smile. Made him look like a gorilla."
"Angel is definitely hotter."
Willow laughed and shook her head. "They were in competition
for quite a while. We ended that abruptly, though. Buffy couldn't stand him."
"Thanks, Willow," the girl said, closing her notebook. "You
have no idea how much you've helped." She gave her a hug and put her pencil
back into her book bag.
"Willow? It's time for dinner," a nurse said, coming in.
She began to wheel her out.
"Come back soon, Kayley. There's more," Willow said, her
green eyes sparkling.
"Don't worry. Next time, I'll be asking about that time every
woman in Sunnydale lusted after Grandpa Xander."
Kayley waved goodbye and left the nursing home.
The
End
