Authors Note: I read a "Mary Sue" fan fic and was suddenly inspired…to destroy one. By the way, I do not own Harry Potter, blah, blah, blah, read the @#$#ing story.
Hogwarts Pest
A new girl walked into the Great Hall, waiting to be sorted. She was tall, thin, and blonde, like most of her kind. Her eyes were green, and her laugh was musical. You see, her name was Mary Sue. But she changed it into "Beth Lou" when she turned five.
All the boys in the great hall stopped talking to look at her. A loud moan of pain fell as she walked up to the staff table. Hogwarts had seen many of her kind around lately.
Professor Dumbledore stood up and silenced everyone.
"Today we will be introducing a new student."
"Great, another 'Mary Sue'" Snape gagged loudly enough for everyone to hear him.
"Not true, I am Beth Lou, Professor Snape. And my mission in live is to make you look weak and stupid in front of everyone. Thus, everyone will admire me for being brave." She said softly and dreamily as everyone laughed.
Snape just sneered, but then he remembered what he did with all the other 'Mary Sue's' and was happy again.
"By the way, Professor Dumbledore, in order to make it look like I'm not a Mary Sue, I request to be sorted into Ravenclaw instead of Gryffindor."
"Very well, after all, the sorting hat will probably not know where to put you because you qualify for all four houses." Dumbledore said warily.
"Thank you. By the way, Malfoy, you will be secretly in love
with me and jealous when I become Harry's new best friend." She added as she
sat with the Ravenclaws.
"Great, why couldn't she be in Gryffindor, like the other ones?" said a Ravenclaw boy.
"Other ones?" Said Beth in an annoyingly soft, gentle, yet strong voice.
"Yeah, the other Mary Sues. You know, pretty, perfect, ten times more powerful than Dumbledore…" Answered another Ravenclaw on her left.
"Let me guess, you are related to any of the Hogwarts founders?" said the girl across from her.
"How did you know? It was supposed to be a secret." Said Beth getting alarmed as she batted her eyes attractively.
The Ravenclaws all looked at each other knowingly, and ignored her through the whole meal.
"Harry wait up!" Beth said running up to the famous Hogwarts trio. "Harry stop running! It's me Beth! We have every class together!"
She was a good runner, which was to be expected, because she was good at everything. In three seconds she caught up with Harry, Ron and Hermione, which were all panting, but of course Beth didn't even break a sweat.
"Oh, Beth, we-er- thought you were Malfoy." Said Ron nervously.
"Yeah, you know, the blonde hair." Added Hermione in disgust.
" Listen, you really don't have to hang out with us." Harry said pushing her out of his way.
" Oh, but don't you know Harry? We have a bond. I have a scar on my arm that looks just like yours where Voldemort attacked me. Don't you know? Our scars give us telepathic powers." Beth said using her mind. Harry was suddenly very scared.
"Oh look! There's Draco!" Ron said shoving Beth into him. Before Beth could say bye, Harry, Ron and Hermione were in Potions class.
"Hullo Draco." Beth said shyly.
"Darn that Weasel. He did that on purpose." Draco said ignoring her.
"Listen, we are from two different worlds-" Beth began. But Draco rushed past her towards the Potions classroom. Beth realized that she had Potions next. She took the liberty upon herself to switch her house to Gryffindor so she could be in every class with Harry Potter.
Snape waited until all the students walked in, waiting for Beth to come through the door. He knew she would be there. They were always there with the Gryffindors at Potions. Snape started his class by writing ingredients on the blackboard when a hand next to Harry shot up in the air. Snape was not at all surprised to see its owner.
"Yes Miss Sue?" Snape said lazily.
"You spelled, "Turbinackilated horns wrong. I know because I studied them when I was a little girl and tamed one to be my pet. His name was Pokey-"
"Shut up girl, none of us want to hear your life story. I'll spell it any damn way I want." Snape sneered.
Of course she was not shut up so easily, she was after all, a Mary Sue and Mary Sue's always get the last word.
"You are just a mean ugly man!" Beth said to no one's surprise. She looked around the room to see any jaw dropping or gaping for her talking back to Snape. The whole room was silent, waiting for her ranting to end.
"Come here little girl, let me show you something." Snape said, getting sick of her fast. He led her to his office while the Gryffindor's and Slytherin's were laughing, knowing what was going to happen next.
Beth gasped in pure horror. Bunches of Mary Sues were locked in a small cage in Snape's office. All of them were underfed. (As if they weren't anorexic to begin with.) Their perfect, silky hair was in knots that were sure to never get out. Their tans were gone and they were now as pale as Snape. Clearly they all went insane, they could not survive without having anyone to admire them.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Beth screamed as he threw her in with all the other Mary Sues.
A while later Snape came back to the classroom without Beth. The Gryffindor's and Slytherin's all sighed happily. All was in peace again at Hogwarts…until the next Mary Sue came along….
The End
Authors Note: I feel better about myself now that I wrote that. If you didn't notice, Snape is my favorite character. He always seems to save the day, doesn't he? Review.