Disclaimer: I ~don't~ own Digimon (Duh. If I did I would never have released it to the likes of Jeff Nimoy). I wish I owned Joe and Matt, but no such luck there either *pouts* Just borrowed them to have a little fun *hentai grin*
Author's Notes: Gee, look, Kymaera wrote ~another~ fic with Matt and Joe. Surprise, surprise *rolls eyes* Actually, this one ~is~ a little different. It's still a MattxJyou friendship fic (sort of), but it's from Matt's pov. It's filled with some fun friendship-y moments (or so I've been told), not to mention lots and lots of angst and confusion. *chuckles evilly*
Warning: Things relating to homosexuality are discussed within. If this sickens/displeases you, feel free to utilize the lovely little "back button" at the top of your browser window.
Thanks a bunch to Rae-chan and Musouka-san who read through this for me and gave me such lovely comments. And thanks to shim-chan for the friendship that inspired this fic in the first place.
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Shades of Grey
Chapter 1: Confusing Thoughts
~*~*~*~
The doorbell rings and I look up from my guitar, listening as my dad walks to the front door and pulls it open. I hear him chatting with whoever is standing on the other side, and, figuring it's just some solicitor, I return my attention to my instrument and the melody that has been haunting me these past few weeks.
The simple movement of my fingers over the metal strings can create such beautiful sounds and I lose myself as the notes build upon each other forming chords and flowing into soothing melodies. As I play I feel myself relax and unwind as the music washes over my body and cleanses my soul.
It takes me a moment to realize that someone is watching me. I glance up, expecting to see my father's familiar face, and am slightly surprised to find my best friend leaning against the door frame, his eyes closed and a half smile playing on his lips. I place my hands over the strings to quiet them.
"Don't stop," Joe says quietly, opening his eyes, "that was wonderful." I blush slightly and place the instrument beside me on the bed. Joe lets out a disappointed sigh as walks into the room, dropping his ever-present briefcase by the door and taking his customary seat on the swivel chair by my desk. "Thoughtful" he says as he props his feet up on my bed, "and something else" He tilts his head to the side and looks at me critically. "Confusion?" he asks, intrigued. "Confusion about what, Matt?"
I look away and shrug, unsure how to answer his question. I don't want to think about that right now. When did he get so good at analyzing my music, anyway? I guess he's had a lot of practice
~*~*~*~
I sat near the campfire, watching my little brother sleep and fingering the harmonica in my pocket. Tai had been gone nearly three weeks and everyone had turned to me for leadership. He had made it look so effortless, I had no idea how hard it was going to be, how many little things I would have to consider, how many decisions there were to make on a daily basis. I was quickly coming to realize that I was not cut out to be a leader. It was easy enough for me to come up with reasons why Tai's hair-brained schemes wouldn't work, but to actually come up with the ideas? Definitely not my forte. The stresses of the position were beginning to take their toll on me; I needed to escape, just for a little while, to find myself and to figure out what to do next.
Leaving TK curled safely between Gabumon and Patamon, I stood and picked my way across the clearing to where Izzy and Tentomon were keeping watch, trying not to disturb any of my sleeping companions. Izzy looked up as I approached, his face shining oddly in the combined glow of computer glare, moon and fire light.
"Where are you off to?" he asked softly.
"The beach." I should have elaborated, but I didn't feel like explaining that I was having trouble coping with this new leadership role. The whole situation was enough of a blow to my pride. Apparently satisfied with my curt answer, he turned back to his computer and I slipped past him, through the thinning trees, to the waterside.
Settling against a tree trunk, I pulled my harmonica from my pocket and placed it against my lips. A soft melody flowed from the small instrument as I played and I could feel my body relax and my fears and worries start to slip away.
I heard a twig snap in the woods behind me and I paused, fearing for a moment that it was some night Digimon who had decided I would make a nice snack. Turning cautiously to look over my shoulder, I saw Joe step out of the shadows and grin sheepishly.
"Geez, Joe, you nearly gave me a heart attack. Shouldn't you be asleep? You have watch in two hours."
"S sorry," he stammered, blushing slightly. "I couldn't sleep and I was just well, I heard you playing and I was just wondering if you would let me sit with you just to, you know, listen" I could tell he was nervous about asking, but I couldn't understand why he would want to in the first place.
"Well" It might be nice to have some companionship
"Oh okay, sorry to bother you" he said, jumping to conclusions. He turned to leave.
"Wait a minute," I called after him quietly. "I didn't say no'. I was just sure, you can join me."
"Thanks." He settled next to me on the sand, gazing up at the brilliant stars that lit the Digiworld sky. I raised my harmonica to my mouth once more, the soft notes filling the night air. Joe closed his eyes and sighed contentedly.
"You're nervous," he remarked after a while.
"Wha?" I replied, only barely registering the foreign sound as his voice.
"You're nervous," he repeated, and opened his eyes, gazing up at me. How could he tell?
"No I'm not." I denied automatically. "I mean I just don't usually have an audience, that's all"
"Oh." He chewed on that for a while. "But don't you usually play for T—"
"He doesn't count."
"I see" A slightly awkward silence descended over us as we stared out across the water, thinking our separate thoughts.
"How could you tell?" I turned to him, narrowing my eyes slightly.
"What? Oh. I I'm not sure. I guess I mean" he faltered, although I wasn't sure if it was because he didn't know how to respond, or if he was afraid that I might not like what he was going to say. "I it just always seems like you put so much of yourself into your music, like you get absorbed by it. There's just so much emotion in every note and" He trailed off, avoiding my gaze, his hands running nervously through the sand.
All I could do was stare at him in shock. I had no idea he was so observant. But then, I couldn't remember when I'd last had anything resembling a conversation with him. Usually, he was busy either being pessimistically sarcastic or trying to break up the latest disagreement between Tai and me. It made me wonder what else he had noticed about our situation.
"Joe?" I asked hesitantly. "Can I tell you something?" He sat up, bringing his gaze to meet mine in the moonlight.
"Yeah?"
"I don't know how to be a leader." I stared at the ground, ashamed at what I'd just admitted, and at the same time, surprisingly relieved that this was no longer something I had to keep bottled up inside.
"Well, I think you're doing just fine so far."
I shot him a dubious look. "Yeah, right."
"No, I mean it. Tai and Agumon have been gone for three weeks and, even though we forced leadership on you when you didn't want it, you've managed to keep us together, alive, well fed and well rested. You've kept the decisions democratic, except for the few no one but the leader can make, and the number of fights have actually gone down since Tai left because you and he are no longer bickering. Except for the aches and pains of normal day-to-day life, we're all in pretty good shape."
"Really?" I asked, still slightly doubtful. He nodded. "Thanks, Joe."
"Hey, that's what I'm here for." He grinned over at me. "So, what are your plans for tomorrow, O Leader?"
I shoved him lightly. "Don't call me that it makes me nervous. And as for tomorrow, I don't want to think about that yet."
"Oh, sorry" he turned away and looked out across the water. "Isn't the moonlight beautiful?"
"Yeah"
~*~*~*~
We ended up talking until Sora came to find Joe for his watch. It was kind of funny, after that night, I didn't worry so much about the decisions I had to make as the temporary (I hoped) leader of the Digidestined.
Of course, I didn't do as well as Tai would have and the group ended up spread to the four corners of the Digiworld anyway. But, while Joe and I didn't always agree on what was best for the group, we've always shared a special bond of friendship since those few months when we sort of co-lead the Digidestined
"Earth to Matt. Come in Matt." I blink as Joe's voice shakes me from my thoughts.
"Huh?" I ask intelligently.
"I asked you a question." I stare at him blankly and he sighs. "I figured as much. What were you thinking about anyway?"
"The Digital World and how unnerving it is that you can read my emotions through my music" Joe just grins. "What was your question?" I pick up my guitar from my bed and place it gently on its stand next to the desk.
"Oh, nothing really important. Just wondering if you were ready for your Biology test that's—what?—this Tuesday?"
I stumble back over to the bed and collapse, burying my head in my arms. "Don't remind me"
"Oh, it can't be that bad."
"Yes, it can." But before he can interrogate me further on the subject, we're interrupted by a light tapping on the door of my bedroom. "Yeah, dad?" My father pushes the door open and sticks his head inside.
"I just wanted to let you know that I'm going in to the office." I roll my eyes. That's my dad, the workaholic.
"Okay. What time'll you be home?" For anyone else this would be an innocent question, but he can't seem to take it at face value. He looks at Joe then back at me, a slightly dubious expression on his face. I know what he's thinking and it irritates me. He asked me about a two weeks ago, during dinner, if Joe and I were "together". I don't know what made him ask. I mean, I know I haven't brought many girls home to meet him, but that has more to do with the fact that I can't find the right girl, than any hair-brained idea that I might be harboring homosexual tendencies. I mean, seriously, can't a guy have a male friend without everyone assuming they're gay?
"I don't know," he finally replies. "Late." I hear the unspoken Why?' and I roll my eyes again.
"I won't bother to make you dinner then." I try to keep the annoyance from my voice, but I'm not sure that I'm completely successful.
"That's fine, I'll grab something on my way." He shuts the door behind him and I turn back to Joe, who has been staring out the window.
"Wanna stay for dinner?" He looks over at me, his eyes lighting up at the prospect.
"You don't mind?"
"Joe," I admonish lightly, "You know me better than that. Besides, my dad's not going to be here and it'd be nice to have some company."
"All right, I'll call." He reaches for the phone and quickly dials his number. As he's waiting for someone to pick up, he asks, "What're you having?"
"Oh, nothing fancy. Probably just stir-fry and rice balls. Is that okay?"
"Yes, that's fine. Everything you cook is—Oh, hi, Jim? Is mom there? Hi mom, Matt wanted to know if I could stay for dinner. Stir-fry and rice balls. Yes, mom, I know. Thanks. I'll be home around nine. Bye."
"So," I say as he replaces the phone in the cradle, "anything new with Emiko?" He blushes at the name of the girl he's currently infatuated with. As he relates his day's encounters with her, I can't help but think back to my dad's question. I'm still not sure why he asked it. I mean, sure, I'm closer to Joe than I am to any of my other guy friends, even Tai and Izzy, who were in the digital world with us, and sure, whenever Joe comes over we usually go into my room to talk, there's nothing wrong with that, is there? We just want a little privacy
Watching him as he's talking, I can see how he could be considered attractive, though. His fine-boned, well-proportioned features; his slender build; the intelligent twinkle in his dark eyes; the little hand gestures that he makes when he's talking; the way he subconsciously pushes his glasses up his nose ever other sentence; the way his lips
Woah, wait a minute, back up. His lips'? My mind reels, confused. I'm his best friend; we've known each other for years. What the hell am I doing thinking about his lips? Or any other part of him for that matter? It disturbs me slightly that I could have continued this list and I quickly push the thoughts from my head.
I like girls. I think I've even loved a couple. Heaven knows I've dated plenty. I can't count the number of times Tai and TK have teased me for dating so many girls during the course of my high school career. I can almost hear Tai's voice, So who's the freshman of the week?' I narrow my eyes slightly at the memory. They both think that my relationships have been short-lived affairs with immature girls. They seem to so conveniently forget the three months that Sora and I dated, especially now that she and Tai have been together for almost five months. They seem happy together and I'm happy for them. Sora's a nice girl, but she just really wasn't my type.
But then, neither were any of the other girls I dated. So maybe I've been dating the wrong girls. Or maybe I focus on Joe once more. He's laughing at some memory, his eyes bright and his cheeks slightly flushed. I chuckle with him, although I didn't catch what was so funny. He has a great smile.
I stop that thought in its tracks. Okay, sure, maybe it's not a bad thing that he has a nice smile or graceful hands or—I refuse to let myself continue. I mean, I'm artistic, I can appreciate things for their aesthetic value. It's like my brother. I can see how someone might think that TK is very attractive, but that's something that I'm proud of about my little brother. Just because I can recognize that he's a handsome person doesn't mean that I want to that's disgusting.
So it's okay if I can see that Joe is attractive. Its not like I think about it all the time or wonder what it would be like to have him play his slender fingers over my bare skin—
"Matt?" I start at the sound of his voice and refocus my gaze on him. "You really are being thoughtful today," he jokes. "What were you thinking about this time? You were just staring off into space with a slight smile on your face. Daydreaming about someone?"
It takes me a few moments to organize my thoughts enough to respond even semi-coherently. "What was I thinking about?" I repeat, still slightly unsettled. I open my mouth to answer and snap it shut again abruptly, a flush staining my cheeks as I remember the direction my last few thoughts had been headed. I glance at his hands in his lap and my blush deepens. "Nothing," I mumble, looking away.
I can tell that he wants to ask, but he respects the fact that I obviously don't want to share. From the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of the clock; it's almost six.
"Are you hungry?" I ask, looking back at him, eager to change the subject. I know that he's feeling slightly hurt that I won't explain, but I don't know how I would. It doesn't even make sense to me why I was thinking the thoughts that were going through my head. I don't know how I could possibly explain it to him with out freaking him out. I sigh.
"Actually," he says, his eyes lighting up at the idea of food, "now that you mention it"
"Great," I reply, trying my hardest to sound normal. "Let's go see what we can scrounge up."
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To be continued
Yes, I know I'm evil. The next part is coming soon, I promise