Further Disclaimer: The characters WILL BE OOC in this fic, mainy because these are not the characters from the game. These are the "actors" who portrayed the characters. That said, flame to desired taste and serve.
The Scene: The set of a talkshow. Scattered chairs and couches are present. In a chair on far stage left is a man with a bad combover, spare tire, and fake plastered smile.
Also in the room are many of the Final Fantasy VII characters. Cloud is sitting on a couch with Tifa in his lap; both are dressed in tight black leather. Next to them is Vincent, in a pinstripe gray suit and hair pulled back away from his face, looking like a normal human being. Red XIII is curled up and apparently sleeping.
Across from them are the Turks, looking exactly as usual.
On another long couch are Heidegger, Palmer, Scarlet, Reeve, and Hojo. Heidegger and Palmer have both dropped at least a hundred pounds. Scarlet is in a lace apron over a flower-print dress. Hojo has shaved his head and is seated in the lotus posistion. Reeve is looking very corporate and uncomfortable; in front of him is the huge Cait Sith doll.
Over in the far right corner of the room are Aerith, dressed in pink as usual, and her twin sister Aeris, who is wearing lots of black lace and heavy back eyeliner. A tattoo of the anarchist symbol is visible in the small of her back.
Finally, near the centre of the room are Barret, Cid, Rufus, Yuffie, and Sephiroth. Barret and Cid are both in silk dressing gowns and smoking pipes. Rufus has his arm around Yuffie; both look like they've just stepped out of a Gap ad. Sephiroth is dressed in the same outfit he wore in the game, but a good half of his hair is singed.
Announcer: And now--Behind the Scenes: The Making of Final Fantasy VII, with your host, Rob Roberts! [the camera pans to the smiling bald man]
Rob: Hello, and welcome to the first of two parts of The Making of Final Fantasy VII. Today on the show we have the crew of the game: the animators, the producers, and the directors. Or, we were supposed to have the crew. Unfortunately...they never returned our calls. So instead, we brought the cast in to talk about what it was like to work on the game, and where they're going from here. We'll start with Cloud Strife. Cloud--may I call you Cloud?
Cloud: Go right ahead, Rob.
Rob: Tell us a little about yourself, Cloud.
Cloud: Well, I'm twenty-one, I'm engaged to be married, I live in Midgar with my fiancee, and I have 17 cats.
Rob: Engaged? You're making our female viewers jealous. ::winks and grins even wider::
Cloud: Yup! [holds up Tifa's left hand, on which is a very large ring with five Materia orbs in it.]
Rob: Wow! Are those real?
Tifa: [giggles] Of course not, you bad boy, you. They're props...but look how shiny they are! [giggles again]
Rob: [slightly taken aback] They sure are shiny, Miss Lockheart...
Tifa: Lockheart? Oh, that's just my business name. My real name's Ethel von Kazostein. You can call me Tifa, though. Teehee.
Rob: I'll do that then....So, Tifa, where has life taken you since FFVII?
Tifa: Well, I bought the old bar we used as the Seventh Heaven in the game, and Cloud and I are running it. It's all strictly above board, of course, just drinks and food. [pulls a business card out of her cleavage] Here, that's the address.
Rob: [reading] "Cloud and Tifa's S&M Parlour"?
Tifa: It came with the name.
Rob: Oh, I see. [reads] "We take the 'sad' out of sadism."
Tifa: It came with the slogan, too.
Rob: [sweatdrop] Of course. [looking around] Ah! Mr. Valentine, tell us how you got your part in the game.
Vincent: [cheerfully] I slept with two of the producers.
Rob: Oh, very good! So glad to hear--[does a double take] You what?
Vincent: Slept with two of the producers. That's the only way to get anywhere in show business. They liked me, so I got cast as the tragic dark hero.
Rob: [completely at a loss] Mr. Valentine, you don't mean--I mean, I'm sure you didn't--that is--[mutters something into his headset]
[a stage tech runs onto the set, hands Vincent some cue cards, and runs off again]
Vincent: [reading the cue cards slowly] Getting the part of Vincent Valentine took a lot of hard work, training, and luck. I'm very religious and prayed a lot before my audition. I did not compromise my morals in any way.
Rob: [nervously] Thank you, Mr. Valentine. I hope all the aspiring actors and actresses out there will remember those wise words. [loosening collar] Miss Yuffie Kisagari!
Yuffie: Yes?
Rob: What's it like to be one of the most famous sixteen-year-olds on the Planet?
Yuffie: I wouldn't know.
Rob: [sweetly] Oh, don't be so modest! Your name is a household word!
Yuffie: Oh, I know that. I just meant I'm not sixteen. I'm thirty-five.
Rob: You're...thirty-five?
Yuffie: Don't tell me you really thought I was a teenager! I really must compliment my plastic surgeon, then. Tifa recommended him.
Tifa: Here's his card! [pulls another business card from her cleavage and hands it to Rob]
Rob: [reads] "Cloud and Tifa's S&M Parlour--"
Tifa: Oops! Wrong stack! [hands him another card]
Rob: [reads] "Dr. Wood, Plastic Surgeon. Specializing in implants and anti-aging." Ahem. Fascinating.
Elena: [to Yuffie] You say he's good?
Yuffie: Fabulous!
Tifa: [pulls a stack of cards out] Cards all around?
[chaos ensues, but eventually everyone gets a card]
Rob: [his smile is starting to fade] Well then! Um...[glances around the room] Nanaki! What's it like to be the only talking cat-dog-wolf creature in the world?
[everyone else in the room laughs]
Rob: [confused] What? What's so funny?
Vincent: It's a robot. It can't talk without a team of programmers.
Rob: [turning bright red] Well, of course it's a robot. I didn't mean that it should actually answer me. I thought that--well--um--Mr. Tseng! Have you worked with Reno, Rude, or Elena since you finished shooting for the game?
Tseng: Oh, absolutely. In fact, we worked so well together that we've started our own musical group. [stands, pulls out a pitch pipe and a Canadian Mounties hat] D'you mind?
Rob: Um--well--I don't know if we have time--
Tseng: Great!
[the other three Turks pulls out identical Mounties hats. Tseng plays an A on his pitch pipe and begins to sing to the tune of "The Lumberjack Song," by Monty Python's Flying Circus]
Tseng: Oh, I'm a Turk and I'm ok
I hunt down foes and I blow them away
Elena, Rude, and Reno: He's a Turk, and he's ok
He hunts down foes and he blows them away
Tseng: I'm heavily armed
I wear cool shades
A jacket and a tie.
I hang with Rufus Shinra
And drink my martinis dry.
Elena, Rude, and Reno: Oh, he's a Turk and he's ok
He hunts down foes and he blows them away.
Tseng: I load my gun
I aim and shoot
I keep weapons in my truck.
They say I'm compensating, but
Boy, do I know how to--
Rob: [interrupting swiftly] Well, that's just great. Just marvelous. I hope to hear more of your music--
Elena: Really?!? We've got a couple more songs! We could sing them now!
Rob: NO!! [collects himself] Um...that is, no thank you. We may run out of time.
[the Turks mutter a little and sit down again]
Rob: [beginning to sweat, squints at the camera] And now for the...what the heck is that word? Million? The million of the game? Hold on. [yelling offstage] Can someone sharpen the teleprompter? Thank you! [to the camera] And now for the villians of the game. Do you feel that you'll ever be able to shake the "bad guy" image in your future careers?
Scarlet: Oh, I think most of us are going to drop acting. We've moved onto other things.
Rob: [stiffly] Oh...really? More musical groups?
Heidegger: No, no, nothing like that. Palmer and I started our own weight-loss program. We've got centres all over the Planet.
Palmer: We're opening our first gym and rec centre in March.
Tifa: [reaching into her cleavage] I've got the "Grand Opening" fliers right here!
Rob: [quickly] That's quite all right, Ms. Lockheart. Erm...Dr. Hojo, have you continued the scientific exploits that earned you the part in the game?
Hojo: [in a singsong chant] I have found inner enlightenment...I have no need to pursue false facts and play god....ommmm......ommmm.....
Scarlet: Don't mind him. He's been like that ever since an experiment with religious imprinting went awry.
Rob: Of course...I quite understand. Where has life taken you, Ms.--er--Ms.--
Scarlet: Just Scarlet, dearie. I'm a happy mother of three. I decided that my career was taking me away from my wonderful husband and my three beautiful children, so I've decided to stay home and cook and clean and be a housewife for the rest of my life!
Rob: How...lovely. But may I ask exactly what you did what that, um, striking red dress?
Scarlet: Oh, that! I gave it to Tifa.
Tifa: [in a stage-whisper to Rob] I needed a birthday present for Cloud.
Rob: [sweating profusely now] Er...Mr. Rufus Shinra! Tell us about your life to date.
[Rufus snaps his fingers and a scantily-clad young blonde rushes out and hands a couple sheets of paper to Rob]
Rob: [reading] "To Whom This May Concern - Rufus Shinra is no longer answering questions posed by the media, on the advice of his lawyer. Enclosed is his public statement." [flips to the second sheet] "Rufus Shinra is still single. He uses Pantine Pro V hair gel and would like to thank his agent, his mother, and his 13 cats for support and love." Ah. I see. [hands the papers back to the scantily-clad blonde, who hurries back offstage. Rufus grabs her ass as she passes. Yuffie looks angry]
Cid: I say, old boy, aren't you going to ask Mr. Wallace and myself what we've been up to?
Rob: Well...um...of course. Please just keep in mind that this is a family show.
Barret: [to Cid] The wanker thinks we act like our characters!
Cid: [to Barret] What a bloody fool!
Rob: Yes. Well. What have you two been up to, then?
Barret: Well, since you asked...I've moved on to more classical pieces. I recently received great critical acclaim for my portrayal of Ophelia, athough some critics felt that Ophelia would be better if cast as a female. [glares at Cid]
Cid: I do apologize, but I feel that Shakespeare intended it that way--although, I did love the costuming. I must say I've never seen a man your size look so wonderful in fishnets.
Rob: [loudly] Well, I'm sure we're all very glad you're doing so well! We'll move right along now...to the evil one himself, Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: Oh, evil is such an ugly word. I prefer altruism-challenged.
Rob: I see...
Tifa: [interrupting] Aren't you going to ask him what he's doing now?
Rob: [annoyed] I was just getting to that.
Sephiroth: Well, Tifa offered me a job in her S&M parlour--
Tifa: He means bar.
Sephiroth: And I figured, why not? I mean, my clothes fit in pretty well already.
Rob: Right. May I ask, though, what happened to your hair?
Sephiroth: Oh, that. Work-related injuries.
Rob: Oh...[thinks for a second] Oh my GOD! [looks around the room for someone safe] Miss Gainsborough!
Aeris and Aerith: Yes?
Rob: Umm...[checks the teleprompter] Miss Aerith Gainsborough.
Aerith: That's me, and may I say, Rob, that I am just thrilled and delighted to be here.
Rob: Well, we're thrilled and delighted to have you.
Aerith: Oh, you. [giggles]
Rob: [blushes] So what have you been up to since the game?
Aerith: Well, as you know, I only acted in the Eastern Continent version of FF7. Aeris was in the Western version. Weren't you, Aeris? [pokes Aeris playfully]
Aeris: Don't touch me.
Aerith: After that, I was asked by several ecological groups to be their sponsor. Of course, I accepted all of them. So I'm busy now saving rare Chocobos and protecting small forests and guarding the condors.
Rob: Quite a busy little lady, then? How about you, Aeris? Why did you choose to accept the role your sister had made famous?
Aeris: Because I was flat broke and otherwise my parents would disown me for embarrassing Aerith. They thought I was spending to much time with the coven.
Rob: [nervously] So the role of "Planet Protector" didn't appeal to you at all?
Aeris: Well, in a sense I am the Planet's protector. I've personally cursed three coporate CEOs to death.
Rob: [more nervously] Is that so...
Aeris: [raises a small crystal wand] What, you don't believe me?
Rob: Oh no, I believe you. [signals backstage]
[two large men come onstage and tie Aeris to her chair, then muffle her]
Aeris: [frantically trying to free herself] MMRMM--RRRFFFF!!! [manages to wave her wand at Rob]
[an empty chair next to Rob bursts into flame. The two large men take Aeris' wand and exit]
Rob: [as a team of firefighters frantically attempt to quell the flames] Thank you for joining us for part one of Behind the Scenes: The Making of Final Fantasy VII. Next time we'll talk to the cast about what it was like to shoot the game. Please join us then! [the camera pans away]
A/N: I should probably include a disclaimer to Monty Python...but technically I didn't steal their material and it's not like they're going to find this anyway.
[By a strange twist of fate, Monty Python's Flying Circus did in fact find this fic and sued the author. Since the author is a 15 year old girl, she had no way of paying up and earned a lifetime in prison.]