My friend ripped off my EVA story. This is it. Its not that he ripped it off… it's the fact that he did a bloody good job of it. BASTARD!)
Vacation. The word that makes school kids lose all control.
"Woo hoo! Vacation!" was the general cheer from the class.
It was the winter vacation and the class was ecstatic. There was going to be a school dance to celebrate. The dance would be held on Saturday evening. It was going to be a formal dance… so that meant asking someone to go with you. Shinji naturally asked Auska and Touji asked Hikari. Everyone was asking people out. The end of lesson bell signified lunch time and the class ran out of the room to the school cafeteria. The only people who remained, were people who brought their lunch with them.
Chris walked over to Rei, who greeted him with a nod.
"You haven't got anything to ask me have you?" She asked with an awful sense of inevitable dancing with Chris. "Umm… MEEEEHH" Chris bellowed, never good under pressure or with girls. "My house tonight" He mumbled. Bright red in the face, he shambled off.
"Thank the lord he didn't ask me to the dance." Said Rei with a look of relief. "I thought he was… he better not ask me tonight."
Chris got home and started to prepare. He went in to the living room and saw Ritsuko watching TV.
"Hi, good day?" Ritsuko automatically called when Chris entered.
"Yeah, great. I just found out that there's a dance on Saturday."
Ritsuko smiled evilly at him. "So… asked anyone yet?" she giggled. "I see you and Rei have been spending LOTS of time with each other… or should I say YOU'VE spent a lot of time around HER?" she burst out laughing. Chris sat next to her and tried to look pleading. The overall effect was polite constipation.
"Ritsuko. You may laugh… but I… I… like her a lot." He muttered blushing once again. "Could you be not here tonight?"
Ritsuko swiped a tear of mirth from her eye and waved her hand at him in defeat. "Go on then, just because you asked so eloquently."
"Thank you… I'm going to cook her a meal and ask her to the dance." He stated rather smugly, considering that that last statement had put Ritsuko on the floor laughing uncontrollably. Eventually the laughter passed.
"When do you want me out?" She sighed mopping her brow.
"Probably about half eight."
"You owe me for this lover boy… when I need a favour you have to accept." Chris groaned, "I knew there would be a catch." He groaned again.
"Oh and Chris?"
"Yes?"
"Get that hand out of your pants."
Around ten minutes later Ritsuko was about to leave. "I'm going now!" she called.
"Now? It's only five thirty…" It didn't take much to confuse Chris. "Bit early isn't it?" Ritsuko burst out in to an evil laugh.
"Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm going to Misato's, then later bar hopping with her and Kaji." She smiled as she saw the look on Chris's face.
"But… but…" was all he could muster.
"I was already going out. You still owe me though boy." She went out of the apartment grinning and whispered to herself, "Gullible."
Chris looked pained and started to cook his special meal for Rei. "At least she's out of the way." It was eight twenty-five and the meal was screwed. Rei was a vegetarian so he had prepared:
Blackened spring rolls.
Chewy pasta salad.
Undercooked Fish Bake.
And a horribly burnt chocolate cake.
He looked around, threw the whole lot in the bin and settled on getting her so drunk she'd agree to anything. There was a light knock on the door. "Who is it?" Chris called.
"It's me, Rei." Came the reply. Chris tried to light a candle, burnt one of eyebrows off, and gave up. He opened the door. Rei stepped in and looked at him. "I like your new look Chris…" she mocked "is that what you wanted to show me?"
"Well… not really… I didn't… shut up!" Chris once again talked himself in to a dead end. He tried to take her arm but ended up looking foolish. Rei sat on his greasy couch and accepted the vodka he had scrounged. After a couple of hours of heavy drinking Rei had accepted his invitation to the dance, collapsed, and was currently gently snoring on the floor. Chris, however was not drunk as his flab had soaked it all up, protecting him. He merely perved on the unconscious Rei for an hour or so then fell asleep.
Chris awoke to the sound of cooking food. He got up slowly, careful not to stand on the slumbering Rei.
"Morning." Greeted Ritsuko. She was making a round of toast and had succeeded in making the kitchen even more of a mess.
"Morning." Chris lazily replied. "What time is it?" Ritsuko looked at her watch. "Seven, why?" Chris sighed in relief.
"It's a school day… remember… I do have to go school you know." Chris yawned and left the room. "I'll make sure Rei remembers where she lives after I have a wa… a wash that is, yes, a wash, he he." Chris almost showered but decided he didn't smell all that bad (just for reference he did) and never got round to it.
"Wake up gorgeous." He whispered in her ear. Her hand came up lightening fast and slapped him hard across the face.
"I may have a hangover but I'm not stupid." she murmured. "Let's go, I need to get changed." She stood up and wobbled over to the door. He offered to help her as she obviously couldn't stand up properly. She gave him a withering look but had to accept. "At least you didn't ask me to the dance."
"I did, last night remember? You said you'd love to go" he whimpered.
" I don't remember anything but… go on then." Rei instantly felt the strange feeling that she had been a victim of bad narrative.
The walk to Rei's house was pretty uneventful. They eventually arrived and went inside.
"I'll just be a few minutes." Rei muttered as she headed towards the bathroom. The sound of running water echoed through the apartment. Never one to remain standing unnecessarily he made himself comfortable. Chris noticed that Rei's room was a lot cleaner than his. There were no piles of discarded undergarments, no half-eaten fish fingers thrown lazily at the wall, no mysterious stains on the bedding. After a few minutes Rei emerged from the bathroom, wearing a pink bathrobe with a towel round her hair. She scowled at him.
"What are you still doing here you pervert? Get out!" She screeched. (Chris has that effect on the ladies)
"Alright, calm down." He mumbled as he slouched off out of the room. Once Rei was changed they walked along the path that led to their school and met up with Shinji and Auska. "Hi guys." Chris greeted them. Shinji returned the greeting while Auska simply nodded.
"So, Chris…" Shinji began. "Have you asked anyone to the dance yet?"
Chris grinned impishly and replied "I'm going to the dance with Rei." When Shinji was a bit slow on the uptake he leaned in closer "I got her totalled and she agreed to go." Shinji grinned back.
After school Rei walked back to her apartment with Chris following close behind. He followed her all the way to her door on the 9th floor, at which point she sighed and said "Oh go on then, you might as well come in for a bit."
"Can we order some food?" asked Chris, always putting his stomach first. "What do you like Rei?"
"Well… pizza sounds good."
Chris nodded sagely. "One extra large pizza coming up… and one for you too. What toppings should we have?" Chris had a brainwave. Once he had recovered he picked himself up and said "How about we get one of those five topping pizzas? That way we'll get a large selection." Rei wondered what the hell he was going on about but smiled and nodded anyway, having discovered this to be the best way to deal with Chris. Chris wapped out his mobile phone, thinking it made him look cool, (he was wrong) and dialled the number.
"Hi Takethepiss Pizzeria…" came the voice on the phone. "Can I take your order?" Chris ordered the pizzas, put the phone away and told Rei they'd be fifteen minutes." He sighed and lowered his head.
"What's wrong?" Rei asked.
"Fifteen minutes is too long, I'm starving." His stomach growled as if to prove his point. There was a knock at the door and a cry of "Pizza delivery!"
"Bloody hell that was a quick fifteen minutes." Chris thought. He had been the victim of a jumbled plot line. He went and answered the door and in his bemusement he paid for the pizzas himself. He closed the door and tucked in to his pizza. Chris put on his best demoralized face and sighed through three types of cheese.
"Come on Chris, tell me what's wrong." Rei actually looked concerned.
"This is very hard for me. I… I don't know if I can do this…" A tear formed in his eye. "My… parents." More tears. "Were… were, k…killed. A…as we were walking through a park one m…morning." He was awash with tears and began to run to the door. He stopped halfway there and looked puzzled as he realised that this has nothing to do with the story whatsoever and makes no sense being here. He apologized to Rei and promised not to disrupt the tale again. Just as he sat down a huge explosion rocked the city. Chris stopped eating and stood up. "Come on!" he shouted "We have to go."
After assuring Rei that this bit WAS part of the story they ran to Nerv HQ. There was a huge android destroying buildings and leaving a wake of destruction behind it. They imputed their pass codes hurriedly and ran through the winding corridors (with frequent stops for Chris to get his breath back) towards the changing rooms. They neared the changing rooms as Misato stopped them.
"Rei, Chris." she called. "Over here…" she motioned them to her. "Sorry Rei, only Chris's Eva is fully operational… he is the only one who can fight." A look of abject terror crossed Rei's face as Chris went for a quick lie down and a change of underwear. "We're all doomed!"
When Chris had recovered he threw on his suit, took it off again, and put it on the right way round. He pressed the compression ring and connected his synch nodes. He ran through the gantries above the Eva cages until he reached Unit-X. He gazed at the robot while he waited for the stitch to pass. He then climbed awkwardly in to the entry plug.
Inserting plug. Charging LCL. Engaging nerve connections… NOW! Maya's voice sang out over the plugs internal comm.-system. Move to catapult one. Chris reluctantly moved Unit-X to the first catapult. Launching Eva. Unit-X shot up in to the streets of Tokyo accompanied by Chris's petrified gibbering. Chris looked down at all the buildings and felt dizzy. Luckily for us the narrative took over, or it would have been a very boring fight with much falling over and screwing up. He spread his AT wings to their full length and analysed the enemy. Once the sodomy was over and Chris was told off for mispronouncing analysing and apologised for his grave mistake the fight resumed. The enemy was a typical black Eva. It carried a progressive chacrum in it's right hand. But as I don't know what a progressive chacrum is it can bloody well carry a decent weapon, a beam sabre maybe.
"Oh shit." declared Chris as he flew at the Eva full speed. The black Eva knocked him right out of the air as if it were swatting at a particularly irritating wasp. Chris landed hard on his right leg causing him great pain. He screamed something I cannot in good conscience repeat here. He again launched himself again at the Eva, as he is really slow to learn. But luckily as it swung at him again he somehow managed to avoid it and crashed in to the enemy Eva hard, destabilising it. He had, however hit his head rather hard against the side of the plug and could not see. He stood up next to the fallen Eva and tripped over it. The jammy bugger landed on it's head and crushed it. Chris's weight saved the day.
Chris exited the plug, his whole body covered in fear sweat (unpleasant image I know but there's nothing I can do about it) and promptly passed out, losing any respect he may have earned during this story.
This rip off was brought to you by Rucastle Industries and is sponsored by Takethepiss Pizzas, made entirely of human by-products.
Vacation. The word that makes school kids lose all control.
"Woo hoo! Vacation!" was the general cheer from the class.
It was the winter vacation and the class was ecstatic. There was going to be a school dance to celebrate. The dance would be held on Saturday evening. It was going to be a formal dance… so that meant asking someone to go with you. Shinji naturally asked Auska and Touji asked Hikari. Everyone was asking people out. The end of lesson bell signified lunch time and the class ran out of the room to the school cafeteria. The only people who remained, were people who brought their lunch with them.
Chris walked over to Rei, who greeted him with a nod.
"You haven't got anything to ask me have you?" She asked with an awful sense of inevitable dancing with Chris. "Umm… MEEEEHH" Chris bellowed, never good under pressure or with girls. "My house tonight" He mumbled. Bright red in the face, he shambled off.
"Thank the lord he didn't ask me to the dance." Said Rei with a look of relief. "I thought he was… he better not ask me tonight."
Chris got home and started to prepare. He went in to the living room and saw Ritsuko watching TV.
"Hi, good day?" Ritsuko automatically called when Chris entered.
"Yeah, great. I just found out that there's a dance on Saturday."
Ritsuko smiled evilly at him. "So… asked anyone yet?" she giggled. "I see you and Rei have been spending LOTS of time with each other… or should I say YOU'VE spent a lot of time around HER?" she burst out laughing. Chris sat next to her and tried to look pleading. The overall effect was polite constipation.
"Ritsuko. You may laugh… but I… I… like her a lot." He muttered blushing once again. "Could you be not here tonight?"
Ritsuko swiped a tear of mirth from her eye and waved her hand at him in defeat. "Go on then, just because you asked so eloquently."
"Thank you… I'm going to cook her a meal and ask her to the dance." He stated rather smugly, considering that that last statement had put Ritsuko on the floor laughing uncontrollably. Eventually the laughter passed.
"When do you want me out?" She sighed mopping her brow.
"Probably about half eight."
"You owe me for this lover boy… when I need a favour you have to accept." Chris groaned, "I knew there would be a catch." He groaned again.
"Oh and Chris?"
"Yes?"
"Get that hand out of your pants."
Around ten minutes later Ritsuko was about to leave. "I'm going now!" she called.
"Now? It's only five thirty…" It didn't take much to confuse Chris. "Bit early isn't it?" Ritsuko burst out in to an evil laugh.
"Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm going to Misato's, then later bar hopping with her and Kaji." She smiled as she saw the look on Chris's face.
"But… but…" was all he could muster.
"I was already going out. You still owe me though boy." She went out of the apartment grinning and whispered to herself, "Gullible."
Chris looked pained and started to cook his special meal for Rei. "At least she's out of the way." It was eight twenty-five and the meal was screwed. Rei was a vegetarian so he had prepared:
Blackened spring rolls.
Chewy pasta salad.
Undercooked Fish Bake.
And a horribly burnt chocolate cake.
He looked around, threw the whole lot in the bin and settled on getting her so drunk she'd agree to anything. There was a light knock on the door. "Who is it?" Chris called.
"It's me, Rei." Came the reply. Chris tried to light a candle, burnt one of eyebrows off, and gave up. He opened the door. Rei stepped in and looked at him. "I like your new look Chris…" she mocked "is that what you wanted to show me?"
"Well… not really… I didn't… shut up!" Chris once again talked himself in to a dead end. He tried to take her arm but ended up looking foolish. Rei sat on his greasy couch and accepted the vodka he had scrounged. After a couple of hours of heavy drinking Rei had accepted his invitation to the dance, collapsed, and was currently gently snoring on the floor. Chris, however was not drunk as his flab had soaked it all up, protecting him. He merely perved on the unconscious Rei for an hour or so then fell asleep.
Chris awoke to the sound of cooking food. He got up slowly, careful not to stand on the slumbering Rei.
"Morning." Greeted Ritsuko. She was making a round of toast and had succeeded in making the kitchen even more of a mess.
"Morning." Chris lazily replied. "What time is it?" Ritsuko looked at her watch. "Seven, why?" Chris sighed in relief.
"It's a school day… remember… I do have to go school you know." Chris yawned and left the room. "I'll make sure Rei remembers where she lives after I have a wa… a wash that is, yes, a wash, he he." Chris almost showered but decided he didn't smell all that bad (just for reference he did) and never got round to it.
"Wake up gorgeous." He whispered in her ear. Her hand came up lightening fast and slapped him hard across the face.
"I may have a hangover but I'm not stupid." she murmured. "Let's go, I need to get changed." She stood up and wobbled over to the door. He offered to help her as she obviously couldn't stand up properly. She gave him a withering look but had to accept. "At least you didn't ask me to the dance."
"I did, last night remember? You said you'd love to go" he whimpered.
" I don't remember anything but… go on then." Rei instantly felt the strange feeling that she had been a victim of bad narrative.
The walk to Rei's house was pretty uneventful. They eventually arrived and went inside.
"I'll just be a few minutes." Rei muttered as she headed towards the bathroom. The sound of running water echoed through the apartment. Never one to remain standing unnecessarily he made himself comfortable. Chris noticed that Rei's room was a lot cleaner than his. There were no piles of discarded undergarments, no half-eaten fish fingers thrown lazily at the wall, no mysterious stains on the bedding. After a few minutes Rei emerged from the bathroom, wearing a pink bathrobe with a towel round her hair. She scowled at him.
"What are you still doing here you pervert? Get out!" She screeched. (Chris has that effect on the ladies)
"Alright, calm down." He mumbled as he slouched off out of the room. Once Rei was changed they walked along the path that led to their school and met up with Shinji and Auska. "Hi guys." Chris greeted them. Shinji returned the greeting while Auska simply nodded.
"So, Chris…" Shinji began. "Have you asked anyone to the dance yet?"
Chris grinned impishly and replied "I'm going to the dance with Rei." When Shinji was a bit slow on the uptake he leaned in closer "I got her totalled and she agreed to go." Shinji grinned back.
After school Rei walked back to her apartment with Chris following close behind. He followed her all the way to her door on the 9th floor, at which point she sighed and said "Oh go on then, you might as well come in for a bit."
"Can we order some food?" asked Chris, always putting his stomach first. "What do you like Rei?"
"Well… pizza sounds good."
Chris nodded sagely. "One extra large pizza coming up… and one for you too. What toppings should we have?" Chris had a brainwave. Once he had recovered he picked himself up and said "How about we get one of those five topping pizzas? That way we'll get a large selection." Rei wondered what the hell he was going on about but smiled and nodded anyway, having discovered this to be the best way to deal with Chris. Chris wapped out his mobile phone, thinking it made him look cool, (he was wrong) and dialled the number.
"Hi Takethepiss Pizzeria…" came the voice on the phone. "Can I take your order?" Chris ordered the pizzas, put the phone away and told Rei they'd be fifteen minutes." He sighed and lowered his head.
"What's wrong?" Rei asked.
"Fifteen minutes is too long, I'm starving." His stomach growled as if to prove his point. There was a knock at the door and a cry of "Pizza delivery!"
"Bloody hell that was a quick fifteen minutes." Chris thought. He had been the victim of a jumbled plot line. He went and answered the door and in his bemusement he paid for the pizzas himself. He closed the door and tucked in to his pizza. Chris put on his best demoralized face and sighed through three types of cheese.
"Come on Chris, tell me what's wrong." Rei actually looked concerned.
"This is very hard for me. I… I don't know if I can do this…" A tear formed in his eye. "My… parents." More tears. "Were… were, k…killed. A…as we were walking through a park one m…morning." He was awash with tears and began to run to the door. He stopped halfway there and looked puzzled as he realised that this has nothing to do with the story whatsoever and makes no sense being here. He apologized to Rei and promised not to disrupt the tale again. Just as he sat down a huge explosion rocked the city. Chris stopped eating and stood up. "Come on!" he shouted "We have to go."
After assuring Rei that this bit WAS part of the story they ran to Nerv HQ. There was a huge android destroying buildings and leaving a wake of destruction behind it. They imputed their pass codes hurriedly and ran through the winding corridors (with frequent stops for Chris to get his breath back) towards the changing rooms. They neared the changing rooms as Misato stopped them.
"Rei, Chris." she called. "Over here…" she motioned them to her. "Sorry Rei, only Chris's Eva is fully operational… he is the only one who can fight." A look of abject terror crossed Rei's face as Chris went for a quick lie down and a change of underwear. "We're all doomed!"
When Chris had recovered he threw on his suit, took it off again, and put it on the right way round. He pressed the compression ring and connected his synch nodes. He ran through the gantries above the Eva cages until he reached Unit-X. He gazed at the robot while he waited for the stitch to pass. He then climbed awkwardly in to the entry plug.
Inserting plug. Charging LCL. Engaging nerve connections… NOW! Maya's voice sang out over the plugs internal comm.-system. Move to catapult one. Chris reluctantly moved Unit-X to the first catapult. Launching Eva. Unit-X shot up in to the streets of Tokyo accompanied by Chris's petrified gibbering. Chris looked down at all the buildings and felt dizzy. Luckily for us the narrative took over, or it would have been a very boring fight with much falling over and screwing up. He spread his AT wings to their full length and analysed the enemy. Once the sodomy was over and Chris was told off for mispronouncing analysing and apologised for his grave mistake the fight resumed. The enemy was a typical black Eva. It carried a progressive chacrum in it's right hand. But as I don't know what a progressive chacrum is it can bloody well carry a decent weapon, a beam sabre maybe.
"Oh shit." declared Chris as he flew at the Eva full speed. The black Eva knocked him right out of the air as if it were swatting at a particularly irritating wasp. Chris landed hard on his right leg causing him great pain. He screamed something I cannot in good conscience repeat here. He again launched himself again at the Eva, as he is really slow to learn. But luckily as it swung at him again he somehow managed to avoid it and crashed in to the enemy Eva hard, destabilising it. He had, however hit his head rather hard against the side of the plug and could not see. He stood up next to the fallen Eva and tripped over it. The jammy bugger landed on it's head and crushed it. Chris's weight saved the day.
Chris exited the plug, his whole body covered in fear sweat (unpleasant image I know but there's nothing I can do about it) and promptly passed out, losing any respect he may have earned during this story.
This rip off was brought to you by Rucastle Industries and is sponsored by Takethepiss Pizzas, made entirely of human by-products.