Thanks for all the great reviews....keep 'em up, I love reading reviews....
Shadows In a Mirror, Chapter 3
~1998~
Chandler blinked furiously, forcing his eyes to adjust to the sunlight. He had been in the
hospital for nearly a month, and although physically he was ready to leave the hospital,
mentally and emotionally, he wasn't sure he was ready to face the reality that lay ahead.
"You okay Chandler?" Joey asked.
"Uh, yeah," Chandler replied, "Hey, thanks for picking me up today."
"Are you kidding? I'm just happy that you are here, alive and healthy."
Chandler smirked. Indeed he was alive-and Kathy and Max were dead. His life was never going
to be the same, and he knew it. He sighed heavily, as Joey led him to the taxi that would
take them home.
Chandler fumbled with his apartment keys, subconsciously delaying the inevitable. He opened
the door, and stood in the doorway. The apartment was exactly as he remembered it. Nothing had
moved. It was as if time itself stood still, and for a brief moment, Chandler expected his
pregnant wife to come waddling out of the bedroom to greet him. He walked into the apartment
and shut the door. The silence that filled the air was stifling. Chandler walked around
the apartment, taking in the emptiness. He walked into the bedroom and opened the closet
door. Kathy's clothes still hung neatly on the right side of the closet. He pulled one of her
sweaters off of it's hanger, causing the hanger to rock back and forth on the wooden rod.
The grinding of metal on wood was the only sound in the room. Chandler put the sweater up to
his face and inhaled deeply. The sweet smell of Kathy's perfume permiated the sweater, and
now Chandler's senses. He collapsed onto his bed--a bed he had once shared with the love of his
life--and cried himself into a restless sleep.
He woke up two hours later, breathless and sweating. He looked around the room, and realized
that his nightmare was real--he really was alone. He felt the walls of the apartment closing
in on him, and found it increasingly difficult to breath. He threw some things in a gym bag,
and left the apartment, wondering if he'd ever really be able to go back.
*
Monica awoke to the sound of someone pounding on her front door. She threw on her robe, and
turned on the lights in the living room. She checked the peep hole, and when she saw that it
was Chandler, hurridly opened the door.
"Chandler, are you okay?"
"I...I can't stay at my place," Chandler croaked.
"Oh, sweetie, come in, stay as long as you need to."
"I'm sorry."
"No, no, you have nothing to be sorry about. Please, I have an extra room, it's no big deal."
Chandler sat down on the sofa, hugging his gym bag for security.
"I just couldn't stay....everything in that apartment reminds me of her, and that she is gone,
and that she is never coming back," tears were flowing down his cheeks, and his voice began to
crack.
"Oh, honey, I wish I could do something to make the pain go away, I really do."
"It's my fault," Chandler wept, and looked up at the ceiling.
"What? Chandler, what are you talking about?"
"I was driving. I wasn't paying attention. Not like I should have been. I was in a hurry,
I thought that we were going to be late to Ross and Rachel's dinner party. I should have...
I should have paid better attention to the road...." Chandler buried his face in his hands.
"Chandler," Monica sat on the coffee table and pulled his hands from his face, "Look at me.
This was not your fault, okay? The guy that hit you was drunk. This was not you fault."
Chandler looked at Monica, his bloodshot eyes trying desperatly to take in her words.
But his heart wouldn't let the words sink in. His loneliness and sorrow only magnified the
guilt he felt, and he knew that he would never forgive himself.
*
~1999~
Joey scanned the reception hall, looking for Pheobe. He spotted her and headed across the room
towards her.
"Pheebs, you wanna dance?"
"Sure," Pheobe replied, putting down her drink as Joey led her to the dance floor.
They started to dance, and spotted the bride and groom, dancing closely, smiling at each other.
"They look so happy," Joey said.
"Yeah," Pheobe replied, "Do you think we will all find that kind of happiness?"
"Sure," Joey said, "we are all gonna live happily ever after," he smiled broadly.
Pheobe smiled. Joey was quite the optimist. Her eyes fell onto Chandler, who was sitting alone
at the head table, and her smile faded. Not everyone gets their happy ending, she thought.
Monica came up behind Chandler, causing him to jump.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare ya."
"It's okay."
"Are you alright?"
Chandler looked at Monica and smiled bravely, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little sleepy."
Monica smiled and sat down. The two of them turned their heads and watched the dancing couples
twirl around the dance floor.
Chandler sighed. He had gotten pretty good at hiding his depression from his friends. He knew
that they had grown weary of him and his self-pity, and so he did his best to smile and laugh like
he used to. He still couldn't understand how Monica had managed to put up with him for so long.
When she suggested that he move in with her, he was in such a fog of depression and guilt that
he probably would have jumped off the George Washington Bridge if his friends had told him it was a
good idea. He had wanted desperately to get rid of the apartment that he and Kathy had once shared.
While he was grateful to Monica for taking him in, he couldn't help but wonder if she had put her
life on hold for him long enough.
Monica looked at Chandler, fully aware that he was trying to hide his true feelings. He was trying
to convince her and the others that he was okay. But they all saw through the facade. Chandler
looked at Monica, and she smiled at him. He smiled weakly, and went back to staring at the dancers.
Monica sighed. She wasn't fully aware of what she was getting herself into when she invited Chandler
to be her roommate.
*
~1998~
"Do you have everything you need?" Monica was standing in the doorway of Chandler's new bedroom.
"Uh, yeah," Chandler said softly. It was the most he had said all day. She stood in the doorway
for a minute longer, watching him as he fumbled through his boxes. He had stored most of Kathy's
things, and consequently had brought over very few boxes. Chandler picked up a photo, and stared
at it for a long time. He began weeping softly, something he did often. Monica knew that she
could do nothing to help him while he wept. She silently closed his bedroom door, and decided to
cook him some Macaroni and Cheese.
*
Two weeks later, Chandler returned to work, and seemed to resume a somewhat normal routine.
Although he was not his normal, sarcastic, chipper self, his friends took comfort in the fact
that he had began to get some semblance of his life back. He came home from work one evening
to find the apartment completely empty. There was a note on the table from Monica;
Hi Chandler,
We are down at the coffee house, and will be going to get some Chinese food at about 7.
Come on down if you feel like it.
Love,
mon
Chandler put down the note, and decided to take a shower before heading downstairs. It was
only 6.30, so he knew he could catch everyone at Central Perk. He walked into the bathroom
and shut the door. After he turned on the water, he turned at looked at his reflection in
the mirror. He sighed. He looked tired. He *was* tired. He looked much older than he did
only a few months ago. He looked into his own eyes, and was shaken by what he saw-nothing.
His eyes were empty. He turned off the water and sat at the edge of the tub, trying to regain
his composure. He felt darkness fall around him, and he suddenly had no urge to go out and see
his friends. He opened the bathroom door and walked into his bedroom. He layed down on his bed,
fully clothed, and pulled his knees up to his chest. He layed there for several hours, not crying,
just laying in the fetal position, trying hard to regain control of a life that had turned to
nothing.
*
~1999~
Chandler and Monica stumbled into the apartment, trying to hold each other up, and both failing
miserably. Chandler collapsed on the sofa, and Monica was right behind him.
"It really was a beeeautiful ceremony," Monica slurred.
"MmmmHmmm." Chandler mumbled.
"When is it gonna be *my* turn," Monica suddenly whined.
"It will happen Mon. Don't worry," Chandler was happy that they could focus on Monica's problems.
He looked over at her, and smiled.
"You really are very beautiful," he said.
"Aww, stop it."
"You are. And you are smart and funny and sexy and..."
"Okay," Monica said, "No, wait....you were saying?"
She looked over at Chandler, batting her eyes dramatically. Her smile faded when she saw that he
had fallen asleep. She shrugged and pulled a blanket from the back of the sofa. She cuddled up
next to him and pulled the blanket over both of them. She was asleep within minutes.
Chandler woke up a few hours later, disoriented and slightly dizzy. He looked down and saw that
Monica was asleep on his chest. He smiled and decided to try to pull her off of him without waking
her up. Easier said than done. He pushed her up by her shoulders, and tried to slide out from under
her. He was now in an even more awkward position. He was stuck under her, his head tilted to one
side, with her forehead on his chin. He laughed at his precarious situation. Monica squirmed, and
Chandler tried to stifle his laughter. Monica's eyes fluttered open, and she looked up at Chandler.
As soon as their eyes met, they started to laugh. Monica tried to get up by pushing herself up onto
her arms. But her hand slipped off of the cushion, causing their heads to smack into one another.
Monica rolled off of the sofa, as they both groaned in pain. They sat, rubbing their heads, and
laughing at how inept they both were at 3 am. Monica stood up, and tried to pull Chandler up, but
she ended up falling onto the sofa again. She laughed, and looked up at Chandler. He smiled, one
of his first genuine smiles in over a year. Monica suddenly saw something in Chandler's eyes that
she hadn't seen in a long time.
Chandler looked into Monica's eyes, and was suddenly mesmerized by the sea of blue that sat, inches
from his own face. He felt himself begin to tremble slightly, as feelings and emotions that he
hadn't felt in years began to surface. Chandler placed his hands on Monica's delicate face, and
pulled her toward him. Their lips touched lightly, and Chandler pulled away, slightly hesitant.
Monica moved toward Chandler, and initiated the next kiss. Her lips parted slightly, and she
pressed her mouth against his. The kiss grew deeper, and more passionate, and soon they were
enveloped in each others arms, kissing each other as if their lives depended on it.
Monica could feel Chandler trembling, and was surprised at how quickly her own heart was beating.
When they kissed, Monica could feel an energy, a symbiance, that she had never experienced before,
not even with Richard. She hungered for more, and felt the same from Chandler. Several minutes
later, they pulled apart, gasping for air. Chandler looked at Monica, and within seconds she
was kissing him again. Chandler didn't resist-he couldn't. The electricity between them was
unmistakable. He pushed all of his feelings of guilt and doubt to the back of his head, and
let his inhibitions go. Monica stood up and took Chandler's hand. He stood slowly, and let
her lead him into her bedroom.
Chandler awoke suddenly, and immediatly became aware that he was not in his own bed.
He looked over, and saw Monica, sleeping peacefully in his arms. He smiled, recalling how
wonderful the previous night had been. His smile faded, when he suddenly realized that
this was the first time in a very long time that he had waken up next to someone other
than Kathy. He felt that he had somehow betrayed her. The guilt that he had pushed away
the night before returned with a vengence, and Chandler felt an overwhelming urge to get
out of there. He slid out from under Monica, and slipped out into the living room.
Monica opened her eyes, and was disappointed to find that she was alone. She sat up and
looked around. She wondered if Chandler was regretting having sex with her. She pulled
on her robe, and set out to find him. It didn't take long. When she opened the bedroom
door, she saw Chandler immediately. He was sitting on the sofa, with his head in his
hands. She noticed that he was still wearing his wedding band. Her euphoria suddenly
disappeared, and she felt the guilt that Chandler was undoubtably feeling. He looked
up at her, his cheeks stained with fresh tears. She walked over to him and sat down.
Without a word, he wrapped his arms around her and buried his head into her shoulder.
She held him for an hour, unsure what she should say or do next.
Shadows In a Mirror, Chapter 3
~1998~
Chandler blinked furiously, forcing his eyes to adjust to the sunlight. He had been in the
hospital for nearly a month, and although physically he was ready to leave the hospital,
mentally and emotionally, he wasn't sure he was ready to face the reality that lay ahead.
"You okay Chandler?" Joey asked.
"Uh, yeah," Chandler replied, "Hey, thanks for picking me up today."
"Are you kidding? I'm just happy that you are here, alive and healthy."
Chandler smirked. Indeed he was alive-and Kathy and Max were dead. His life was never going
to be the same, and he knew it. He sighed heavily, as Joey led him to the taxi that would
take them home.
Chandler fumbled with his apartment keys, subconsciously delaying the inevitable. He opened
the door, and stood in the doorway. The apartment was exactly as he remembered it. Nothing had
moved. It was as if time itself stood still, and for a brief moment, Chandler expected his
pregnant wife to come waddling out of the bedroom to greet him. He walked into the apartment
and shut the door. The silence that filled the air was stifling. Chandler walked around
the apartment, taking in the emptiness. He walked into the bedroom and opened the closet
door. Kathy's clothes still hung neatly on the right side of the closet. He pulled one of her
sweaters off of it's hanger, causing the hanger to rock back and forth on the wooden rod.
The grinding of metal on wood was the only sound in the room. Chandler put the sweater up to
his face and inhaled deeply. The sweet smell of Kathy's perfume permiated the sweater, and
now Chandler's senses. He collapsed onto his bed--a bed he had once shared with the love of his
life--and cried himself into a restless sleep.
He woke up two hours later, breathless and sweating. He looked around the room, and realized
that his nightmare was real--he really was alone. He felt the walls of the apartment closing
in on him, and found it increasingly difficult to breath. He threw some things in a gym bag,
and left the apartment, wondering if he'd ever really be able to go back.
*
Monica awoke to the sound of someone pounding on her front door. She threw on her robe, and
turned on the lights in the living room. She checked the peep hole, and when she saw that it
was Chandler, hurridly opened the door.
"Chandler, are you okay?"
"I...I can't stay at my place," Chandler croaked.
"Oh, sweetie, come in, stay as long as you need to."
"I'm sorry."
"No, no, you have nothing to be sorry about. Please, I have an extra room, it's no big deal."
Chandler sat down on the sofa, hugging his gym bag for security.
"I just couldn't stay....everything in that apartment reminds me of her, and that she is gone,
and that she is never coming back," tears were flowing down his cheeks, and his voice began to
crack.
"Oh, honey, I wish I could do something to make the pain go away, I really do."
"It's my fault," Chandler wept, and looked up at the ceiling.
"What? Chandler, what are you talking about?"
"I was driving. I wasn't paying attention. Not like I should have been. I was in a hurry,
I thought that we were going to be late to Ross and Rachel's dinner party. I should have...
I should have paid better attention to the road...." Chandler buried his face in his hands.
"Chandler," Monica sat on the coffee table and pulled his hands from his face, "Look at me.
This was not your fault, okay? The guy that hit you was drunk. This was not you fault."
Chandler looked at Monica, his bloodshot eyes trying desperatly to take in her words.
But his heart wouldn't let the words sink in. His loneliness and sorrow only magnified the
guilt he felt, and he knew that he would never forgive himself.
*
~1999~
Joey scanned the reception hall, looking for Pheobe. He spotted her and headed across the room
towards her.
"Pheebs, you wanna dance?"
"Sure," Pheobe replied, putting down her drink as Joey led her to the dance floor.
They started to dance, and spotted the bride and groom, dancing closely, smiling at each other.
"They look so happy," Joey said.
"Yeah," Pheobe replied, "Do you think we will all find that kind of happiness?"
"Sure," Joey said, "we are all gonna live happily ever after," he smiled broadly.
Pheobe smiled. Joey was quite the optimist. Her eyes fell onto Chandler, who was sitting alone
at the head table, and her smile faded. Not everyone gets their happy ending, she thought.
Monica came up behind Chandler, causing him to jump.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare ya."
"It's okay."
"Are you alright?"
Chandler looked at Monica and smiled bravely, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little sleepy."
Monica smiled and sat down. The two of them turned their heads and watched the dancing couples
twirl around the dance floor.
Chandler sighed. He had gotten pretty good at hiding his depression from his friends. He knew
that they had grown weary of him and his self-pity, and so he did his best to smile and laugh like
he used to. He still couldn't understand how Monica had managed to put up with him for so long.
When she suggested that he move in with her, he was in such a fog of depression and guilt that
he probably would have jumped off the George Washington Bridge if his friends had told him it was a
good idea. He had wanted desperately to get rid of the apartment that he and Kathy had once shared.
While he was grateful to Monica for taking him in, he couldn't help but wonder if she had put her
life on hold for him long enough.
Monica looked at Chandler, fully aware that he was trying to hide his true feelings. He was trying
to convince her and the others that he was okay. But they all saw through the facade. Chandler
looked at Monica, and she smiled at him. He smiled weakly, and went back to staring at the dancers.
Monica sighed. She wasn't fully aware of what she was getting herself into when she invited Chandler
to be her roommate.
*
~1998~
"Do you have everything you need?" Monica was standing in the doorway of Chandler's new bedroom.
"Uh, yeah," Chandler said softly. It was the most he had said all day. She stood in the doorway
for a minute longer, watching him as he fumbled through his boxes. He had stored most of Kathy's
things, and consequently had brought over very few boxes. Chandler picked up a photo, and stared
at it for a long time. He began weeping softly, something he did often. Monica knew that she
could do nothing to help him while he wept. She silently closed his bedroom door, and decided to
cook him some Macaroni and Cheese.
*
Two weeks later, Chandler returned to work, and seemed to resume a somewhat normal routine.
Although he was not his normal, sarcastic, chipper self, his friends took comfort in the fact
that he had began to get some semblance of his life back. He came home from work one evening
to find the apartment completely empty. There was a note on the table from Monica;
Hi Chandler,
We are down at the coffee house, and will be going to get some Chinese food at about 7.
Come on down if you feel like it.
Love,
mon
Chandler put down the note, and decided to take a shower before heading downstairs. It was
only 6.30, so he knew he could catch everyone at Central Perk. He walked into the bathroom
and shut the door. After he turned on the water, he turned at looked at his reflection in
the mirror. He sighed. He looked tired. He *was* tired. He looked much older than he did
only a few months ago. He looked into his own eyes, and was shaken by what he saw-nothing.
His eyes were empty. He turned off the water and sat at the edge of the tub, trying to regain
his composure. He felt darkness fall around him, and he suddenly had no urge to go out and see
his friends. He opened the bathroom door and walked into his bedroom. He layed down on his bed,
fully clothed, and pulled his knees up to his chest. He layed there for several hours, not crying,
just laying in the fetal position, trying hard to regain control of a life that had turned to
nothing.
*
~1999~
Chandler and Monica stumbled into the apartment, trying to hold each other up, and both failing
miserably. Chandler collapsed on the sofa, and Monica was right behind him.
"It really was a beeeautiful ceremony," Monica slurred.
"MmmmHmmm." Chandler mumbled.
"When is it gonna be *my* turn," Monica suddenly whined.
"It will happen Mon. Don't worry," Chandler was happy that they could focus on Monica's problems.
He looked over at her, and smiled.
"You really are very beautiful," he said.
"Aww, stop it."
"You are. And you are smart and funny and sexy and..."
"Okay," Monica said, "No, wait....you were saying?"
She looked over at Chandler, batting her eyes dramatically. Her smile faded when she saw that he
had fallen asleep. She shrugged and pulled a blanket from the back of the sofa. She cuddled up
next to him and pulled the blanket over both of them. She was asleep within minutes.
Chandler woke up a few hours later, disoriented and slightly dizzy. He looked down and saw that
Monica was asleep on his chest. He smiled and decided to try to pull her off of him without waking
her up. Easier said than done. He pushed her up by her shoulders, and tried to slide out from under
her. He was now in an even more awkward position. He was stuck under her, his head tilted to one
side, with her forehead on his chin. He laughed at his precarious situation. Monica squirmed, and
Chandler tried to stifle his laughter. Monica's eyes fluttered open, and she looked up at Chandler.
As soon as their eyes met, they started to laugh. Monica tried to get up by pushing herself up onto
her arms. But her hand slipped off of the cushion, causing their heads to smack into one another.
Monica rolled off of the sofa, as they both groaned in pain. They sat, rubbing their heads, and
laughing at how inept they both were at 3 am. Monica stood up, and tried to pull Chandler up, but
she ended up falling onto the sofa again. She laughed, and looked up at Chandler. He smiled, one
of his first genuine smiles in over a year. Monica suddenly saw something in Chandler's eyes that
she hadn't seen in a long time.
Chandler looked into Monica's eyes, and was suddenly mesmerized by the sea of blue that sat, inches
from his own face. He felt himself begin to tremble slightly, as feelings and emotions that he
hadn't felt in years began to surface. Chandler placed his hands on Monica's delicate face, and
pulled her toward him. Their lips touched lightly, and Chandler pulled away, slightly hesitant.
Monica moved toward Chandler, and initiated the next kiss. Her lips parted slightly, and she
pressed her mouth against his. The kiss grew deeper, and more passionate, and soon they were
enveloped in each others arms, kissing each other as if their lives depended on it.
Monica could feel Chandler trembling, and was surprised at how quickly her own heart was beating.
When they kissed, Monica could feel an energy, a symbiance, that she had never experienced before,
not even with Richard. She hungered for more, and felt the same from Chandler. Several minutes
later, they pulled apart, gasping for air. Chandler looked at Monica, and within seconds she
was kissing him again. Chandler didn't resist-he couldn't. The electricity between them was
unmistakable. He pushed all of his feelings of guilt and doubt to the back of his head, and
let his inhibitions go. Monica stood up and took Chandler's hand. He stood slowly, and let
her lead him into her bedroom.
Chandler awoke suddenly, and immediatly became aware that he was not in his own bed.
He looked over, and saw Monica, sleeping peacefully in his arms. He smiled, recalling how
wonderful the previous night had been. His smile faded, when he suddenly realized that
this was the first time in a very long time that he had waken up next to someone other
than Kathy. He felt that he had somehow betrayed her. The guilt that he had pushed away
the night before returned with a vengence, and Chandler felt an overwhelming urge to get
out of there. He slid out from under Monica, and slipped out into the living room.
Monica opened her eyes, and was disappointed to find that she was alone. She sat up and
looked around. She wondered if Chandler was regretting having sex with her. She pulled
on her robe, and set out to find him. It didn't take long. When she opened the bedroom
door, she saw Chandler immediately. He was sitting on the sofa, with his head in his
hands. She noticed that he was still wearing his wedding band. Her euphoria suddenly
disappeared, and she felt the guilt that Chandler was undoubtably feeling. He looked
up at her, his cheeks stained with fresh tears. She walked over to him and sat down.
Without a word, he wrapped his arms around her and buried his head into her shoulder.
She held him for an hour, unsure what she should say or do next.