Shadows In a Mirror, Chapter 4
Warning; Some content may be slightly graphic.
~2001~
Monica sat at the edge of Chandler's bed, silently listening to his laboured breathing.
The beeping of the monitors countered the hissing of the breathing machine. Monica sighed.
She could not believe that she was here again, praying that Chandler would wake up.
But this time he wasn't getting better, and Monica feared that his luck had run out.
She unconsciously began humming one of her favourite songs, one that had been playing in
her head for hours now. She had always thought it was a tragically beautiful song, but
now, at this moment, as she watched the man she loved slip away from her, the poetry in
the lyrics felt all too real.
"Hold on.
Hold on to yourself.
For this is gonna hurt like hell.
Hold on.
Hold on to yourself.
You know that only time will tell.
What is it in me that refuses to believe,
This isn't easier than the real thing."
Monica rested her head on Chandler's chest, listening to his heart beat in time with
the monitors.
"My love, you know that you're my best friend.
You know that I'd do anything for you.
My Love, let nothing come between us,
My love for you is strong and true."
Monica jumped when she felt Chandler move. Realizing that it was only a muscle spasm,
she took a deep breath, tring to slow down her eratically beating heart. She kissed him
tenderly and took his bandaged hand in hers.
"Am I in heaven here or am I
At the crossroads I am standing.
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lye awake and pray,
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And you'll see another day
And we will praise it
I love the light that brings a smile
upon your face."
Monica pulled away, and walked to the window, watching as the rising sun began to light
up the day.
"Oh God, if you're out there won't you hear me?
I know that we've never talked before.
Oh God, the man I love is leaving,
Won't you take him when he comes to your door?
Am I in heaven here or am I
At the crossroads I am standing.
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lye awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And you'll see another day
And we will praise it.
I love the light that brings a smile
upon your face."
Monica looked at Chandler, and felt her heart break. He was the love of her life, and
she now understood the pain that he had been in when he had lost Kathy. She cried not
only for her, but for him, and for the tragedy that brought them together, and brought
them to this moment.
"Hold on.
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell."
~1999~
Two days after Ross and Rachel's wedding, Chandler came home to and elaborate dinner.
He smiled slightly, and placed his briefcase on the floor.
"Monica?"
"Hi!" Monica chirped, as she entered the living room.
"What's all this?" Chandler asked, gesturing toward the table.
"Dinner," Monica replied matter-of-factly. "Sit down."
Chandler sat down and watched Monica as she served him. She sat down and looked at him,
and smiled warmly.
"We, uh, we need to talk about what happened the other night," Chandler said softly.
He had been avoiding the conversation for the last two days, because he was afraid that
he would hurt Monica's feelings. He took a deep, shaky breath, and continued.
"I, um, I just wanted to apologize. I feel like an ass for doing that to you."
"Chandler," Monica took Chandler's hand in hers, "You have nothing to apoligize for, okay?"
"I feel..." Chandler was having trouble articulating his feelings in his own mind, so how
could he possibly explain them to Monica?
"Chandler, it's okay. You can talk to me."
"I feel like I have betrayed Kathy."
Chandler's words hit Monica like a boulder. She knew he was feeling guilty, and she knew it
was because he hadn't let go of Kathy. But hearing him actually say it hurt Monica more than
she had wanted it to.
"It's stupid, isn't it?" Chandler continued, "I mean, she's been gone for two years.
Two years! And I am still wearing my wedding band. And I feel guilty for sleeping with
you. And I shouldn't." Chandler sighed and stood up. He ran his hands through his hair,
as he paced around behind the couch.
"I am sorry because I am not being fair to you, Monica. When I made love to you, I wasn't
giving you my whole heart. My first instinct when I woke up the next morning was to run.
I felt like an ass for feeling so guilty, and I felt guilty for using you. I care about
you Monica, and I respect you, but my actions seem to say otherwise." Chandler slumped
down onto the couch, and put his head in his hands.
Monica joined Chandler on the couch. She looked at him for several minutes, and then
sighed heavily.
"I don't regret what happened Chandler. And I don't want you to feel guitly for what
happened. I know that you respect me, and I know that what happened was..." What did
happen? Was it a one night fling? Monica knew that there was more there, at least for
her. But she was afraid that Chandler didn't feel the same way. Chandler looked at her,
urging her to finish her sentence.
"I am not sure what happened, actually. But I do know that there was two of us there that
night, and I know that I am as responsible for my actions as you are yours." Monica saw a
look flash past Chandler's face, and she immediatly regretted her choice of words.
Though they both knew that Monica was talking about sex, Chandler couldn't help but to
recall his actions two years ago. His carelessness had cost him everything, and no matter
how many times his friends tried to assure him that the drunk driver was totally at fault,
he couldn't shake the awful feeling that he could have changed things. After all, he was
responsible for his own actions. He stood up, and scanned the room, as if he was looking
at it for the first time.
"I...I need to clear my head," he said quietly, and walked to the door.
"Okay," was all that Monica could say. She knew he needed space, and, truth be told,
so did she. She watched as he silently left the apartment, closing the door softly
behind him.
~2001~
The space that surrounded him was pitch black, and he couldn't see a thing. Yet Chandler
felt totally at peace. He hadn't felt this way for a very long time. He thought about
everything that had lead him to this moment, and wondered how he had gotten so jaded, and
so lost in himself. Suddenly, he felt himself being pulled away from the place where he
stood. The movement was beyond his control, yet he felt no anxiety. Where was he?
A soft, red light shone from an unrecognizable location. Chandler scanned the area,
searching for the source of the light. He finally gave up, and surveyed his surroundings.
The room was black, and rectangular. It was totally empty, but it was flanked by two
large, wooden doors, with elaboratly designed brass handles. Chandler resisted the urge
to open one of the two, and instead stood in the centre of the room, and waited, though
it occured to him that he had no idea what he was waiting for.
~48 hours earlier~
Chandler walked through Central Park, soaking in the afternoon sun. He smiled to himself,
as he thought about the anniversary plans that he had made for him and Monica. He was
looking forward to the evening, and silently wished the sun would start setting a little
faster. He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts, he didn't see the four year old boy
running toward him.
"Whoa there, little guy," Chandler said, as the child slammed face-first into Chandler's
shins.
Chandler crouched down and looked at the boy.
"You okay?"
The boy nodded and looked at Chandler, smiling broadly. It was then that Chandler saw it.
The boy had piercing blue eyes and curly auburn hair. He looked so much like...her.
Chandler shook off the eerie feeling and stood back up.
"Where's your mom?"
Just then, a frantic looking woman came running over to them.
"Max!" She yelled breathlessly, "Max, sweetie, don't you ever do that to me again!"
The woman turned her attention to Chandler, "Sorry about that. He just took off running!"
"It's uh, okay," Chandler said. "So, his name is Max?"
"Yeah. I'm Susanne."
"Chandler."
"Thanks again Chandler."
"No problem," Chandler muttered, as Susanne and Max wandered away. Chandler watched them
go, and saw Max turn and look at him, before walking out of sight.
Chandler sat down on a nearby bench, trying to collect himself. It was just a coincidence,
he told himself over and over. But the image of the boy stuck in his head. His son would
have been Max's age by now. Chandler was unaware of the tears that fell down his face.
Suddenly, the heartache that he had once thought was long gone hit him like a speeding semi,
and the world around him seemed to disappear.
*
Monica called the machine again, listening carefully to the message Chandler had left her
that morning. She was definitely at the right restaurant. She put down the cell phone
and sighed. Two hours was long enough. She grabbed her purse and stormed out of the
restaurant.
She opened the apartment door to find Chandler sitting on the sofa in the dark.
She slammed the door and turned on the lights.
"Would you like to explain to me WHY I spent the last two hours sitting in a restaurant
alone?"
Chandler looked up suddenly, as if he had just become aware of Monica's presence.
"Huh?" was all he could say.
Monica's face went crimson. "Are you kidding me with this? Where the hell were you Chandler?"
Chandler blinked himself back to reality. Oh no. What time was it? He looked at his watch.
It read 10:35. He looked up at Monica, who was fuming.
"Mon, I am SO SO sorry. I...I can explain."
"Then explain," Monica said icily.
Chandler relayed the events of the afternoon to Monica. He told her about the boy, and
about all of the feelings that had been going through him since the encounter. He ignored
the tears that fell down his face, and watched Monica's reaction to the story carefully.
When he finished, Monica sighed, and sat silently for what felt like an eternity.
Finally, she stood up.
"Chandler," she said slowly, "I can't do this anymore. I am tired, and I feel...."
Her voice trailed off, as she tried to find the right words.
"I can't live in the shadow of a ghost anymore."
Chandler went pale. He wasn't expecting this, not at all.
"Monica, I...I love you, you know that."
"But Chandler, you can't seem to let go of the past. Look, you know that I am sorry
about what happened to you, but it was four years ago. I can't keep doing this.
You tell me this story, about this little boy, and I am supposed to be okay with the
fact that you stood me up tonight. On our anniversary! Well, I am not alright with it
Chandler, and quite frankly, I am not really sure that you are ready to make me your
top priority. Tonight proves that."
"Monica," Chandler whispered, "I am so so sorry."
"I think we jumped into all of this too quickly. Maybe you need to be alone for a while.
I...I am gonna go stay with my parents for a few days. I need to clear my head."
Monica stood up and walked to the bedroom, to begin packing.
Chandler sat on the sofa, and didn't attempt to stop Monica. She walked past him without
a word, and closed the front door softly behind her. She was devistated that he didn't stop
her, or argue with her, or chase after her. He just let her go. She fought off the oncoming
flood of tears, and hailed a cab.
Chandler sat on the sofa, taking in Monica's words, for three hours. She was right.
He was not giving her his whole heart. He layed down on the sofa and stared at the ceiling.
How had it come to this?
The early morning sun shone on Chandler's face, waking him from an uncomfortable slumber.
He had tossed and turned all night, and had finally come to the realization that he needed
closure. He needed to get rid of the pain, and the guilt and the heartache that he had
built up over the past four years. He sat up, and walked to the bathroom. It was then
that it occured to him that Monica was really gone. He was so out of it the night before,
that he hadn't noticed, really. But as he scanned the bathroom, he saw that there was
nothing there that belonged to her. How long was she planning to be away? Chandler
felt a new pain in his heart-he had now lost Monica too. He looked at his reflection
in the mirror, and despised what he saw looking back at him. The man in the mirror looked
older, tired, and lifeless. There was no sparkle in his eyes, and no smirk on his face.
He was 31, yet he looked more like a 50 year old. He hated the person that he saw looking
back at him, hated what he had become. Chandler balled his hand up into a fist and
swung it at the reflection. The mirror shattered, and shards of silvery glass went everywhere.
The larger peices fell into the sink. Chandler picked up a large, jagged peice of glass,
and looked at it carefully. He looked at his hands, and saw blood dripping down the sides
of his palm. It was strange, he felt no pain. He held the peice of glass in the palm
of his hand, and closed his hand on it. More blood flowed from his hands, yet he still
felt no pain. Chandler was facinated by this. How could he whine about small paper
cuts, and not feel a thing when he held a peice of broken glass? Suddenly, the glass in
his hand popped, and he felt pieces of glass pierce his skin. Still, he felt no pain.
He picked up another piece of glass, and ran the sharp edge along his arm. Nothing.
No pain. He didn't even panic when he saw his own blood flowing from his arm at a rapid
pace. He felt nothing.
And then everything went black.
*
Joey walked into Monica and Chandler's apartment, and was surprised to see that no one was
there. He opened the refridgerator, and began the quest for food. Ross and Rachel walked
in a few moments later.
"Where's Monica and Chandler?" Rachel asked.
"I dunno," Joey replied, his head still inside the refridgerator.
"They were probably up all night 'doing it'," Phoebe said, as she walked into the apartment.
"Ew, Pheebs," Ross said.
"I gotta pee," Joey said, and closed the fridge door.
"Were we supposed to get them an anniversary gift or something?" Pheobe asked.
"You never get me and Ross gifts," Rachel countered.
"Ross and I, sweetie," Ross said, attempting to correct Rachel's grammatical error.
"Ross, for the last time, you are my husband, NOT my grammar coach!"
"Oh sweet Jesus!" Joey screamed, and he fell backwards from the bathroom doorway.
"What's wrong, Joe?" Ross asked.
When Joey didn't answer, the three friends walked over to see what Joey was staring at.
There, in the small, darkened room, they saw Chandler, lying facedown in a lifeless heap
on the floor. The black and white checkered tiles were covered with blood, and shards
of broken glass covered the sink, toilet and floor.
Rachel passed out, and Phoebe began screaming. Ross immediatly swung into action.
He picked up the phone and dialled 911. He ordered Joey to put Rachel on the couch,
and get Chandler out of the bathroom. Joey, who was numb from shock, simply did as he
was told. As he dragged Chandler out of the bathroom, he could hear Ross trying to talk
to the 911 operator, while Phoebe started to yell for Monica.
~1999~
Chandler opened the door to the apartment quietly, figuring that Monica would be in bed.
It was a quarter past 12, and he knew she had to work in the morning.
But Monica was not sleeping. She was sitting on the couch in the dark, weeping silently.
Chandler walked over to her, and without a word took her into his arms. They stayed that
way for several minutes. It was Monica who finally pulled away. She looked into Chandler's
eyes, and smiled softly.
"Mon, I'd be kidding myself if I thought that the other night didn't mean something to me.
It meant a lot. And if you are willing to be a little patient with me, I think I am ready
to move on. What do you think?"
Monica didn't say anything. She couldn't. It was at this moment that she realized that she
was in love with Chandler. She was so overwhelmed by this discovery, that she was unable to
speak, or even move. Chandler looked at her, waiting for a reaction. When she gave none, he
pulled away, figuring that she had decided that the whole thing was a mistake. He was waiting
for her to ask him to leave, to find his own place. He walked away from her, and was about to
go into his bedroom to pack, when he heard her cry out to him.
"Chandler!"
He turned, and saw that she had fresh tears in her eyes. She walked over to him and put her
hands on his face. She pulled him into a kiss. But not just any kiss, it was The Kiss.
The kiss that everyone waits their whole life for, the one that sends shivers up and down
your spine.
This kiss said more than words ever could. Chandler melted into Monica's arms, and it was
then that he knew. His life would be forever different. He could love Monica forever.
If only he could let go of his pain, guilt and anger. He had to do it. He had to let go-
for her. For her, Chandler would do anything.
~2001~
Chandler stood in the darkened room for several minutes, wondering what to do next. Suddenly,
one of the doors opened, and a women walked through it, closing it softly behind her.
Chandler's knees went weak when he realized who it was.
"Kathy," he whispered.
"Hello Chandler," Kathy said softly. Although she was standing in front of him, her voice
sounded distant.
"What...how? You're dead. You died 4 years ago."
"I know."
"Am I dead?"
"No. Not yet."
"Then where am I?" Chandler looked around the room again.
"You are...at The Crossroads," Kathy replied.
"The...what?"
"The Crossroads. It's time for you to make a decision. Behind that door," Kathy pointed
to the door that she had come from, "is eternity."
"And behind the other door?" Chandler asked.
"A lifetime."
"I don't understand."
"You need to decide what you want to do. You can come with me now, or you can go through the
other door, and spend a lifetime with a woman that loves you very much."
"Monica."
"You love her Chandler, but you don't love her completely. If you choose to go through that
door, then you need to let go. Let go of all of that guilt that you have inside of you.
You didn't do anything wrong that night. It's time for you to let all of that go, Chandler.
It's time for you to let *me* go."
"What if she doesn't want me? I really screwed up this time, Kathy."
"That's a chance you have to be willing to take. If you love her, you need to prove it.
You need to fight for her."
"But what about you? And baby Max?"
"We will always be with you. But you can't stop living your life because we're not there with
you. You were lucky enough to find love again, Chandler. Don't let it go. Monica can
make you happy, if you will just let her."
Chandler shook his head. "I...I'm just not sure."
"Well," Kathy said, as she headed for one of the doors, "both doors are open to you, and there
is no wrong answer. The choice is yours. Follow your heart."
Chandler suddenly found himself alone again. He looked at both doors. Behind one door there
was Kathy, and eternity. An eternity free of the pain and guilt of not only losing his wife
and son, but of losing Monica to his own selfishness. He could walk through that door, and
she could move on, and find someone that could make her happy.
But behind the other door, was Monica. The pain that he felt still existed, and he would have
to really work through that, and try to convince Monica that what they had was worth fighting
for. He knew that Monica loved him, and he realized that she was worthy of much more love than
he had given her thus far.
If he chose that door, he would need to love Monica with all of his heart and soul.
Chandler made his decision, and opened one of the doors.
*
Monica had fallen asleep on Chandler's chest, and awoke with a start when the monitor alarm
started beeping loudly. Within seconds, several nurses and a doctor were in the room.
One of the nurses led Monica to the hallway. Monica could hear the doctor yelling, and she
began to cry.
Large machines were being rolled into Chandler's room, and nurses were running in and out.
Phoebe, Joey, Ross and Rachel heard the commotion, and came running out into the hallway.
The door of Chandler's room opened, and a nurse exited. As the door swung shut, Monica heard
the doctor's voice echo through the room;
"Time of death, 11:49 pm."
**********
Chapter 5 coming soon!!
Warning; Some content may be slightly graphic.
~2001~
Monica sat at the edge of Chandler's bed, silently listening to his laboured breathing.
The beeping of the monitors countered the hissing of the breathing machine. Monica sighed.
She could not believe that she was here again, praying that Chandler would wake up.
But this time he wasn't getting better, and Monica feared that his luck had run out.
She unconsciously began humming one of her favourite songs, one that had been playing in
her head for hours now. She had always thought it was a tragically beautiful song, but
now, at this moment, as she watched the man she loved slip away from her, the poetry in
the lyrics felt all too real.
"Hold on.
Hold on to yourself.
For this is gonna hurt like hell.
Hold on.
Hold on to yourself.
You know that only time will tell.
What is it in me that refuses to believe,
This isn't easier than the real thing."
Monica rested her head on Chandler's chest, listening to his heart beat in time with
the monitors.
"My love, you know that you're my best friend.
You know that I'd do anything for you.
My Love, let nothing come between us,
My love for you is strong and true."
Monica jumped when she felt Chandler move. Realizing that it was only a muscle spasm,
she took a deep breath, tring to slow down her eratically beating heart. She kissed him
tenderly and took his bandaged hand in hers.
"Am I in heaven here or am I
At the crossroads I am standing.
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lye awake and pray,
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And you'll see another day
And we will praise it
I love the light that brings a smile
upon your face."
Monica pulled away, and walked to the window, watching as the rising sun began to light
up the day.
"Oh God, if you're out there won't you hear me?
I know that we've never talked before.
Oh God, the man I love is leaving,
Won't you take him when he comes to your door?
Am I in heaven here or am I
At the crossroads I am standing.
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lye awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And you'll see another day
And we will praise it.
I love the light that brings a smile
upon your face."
Monica looked at Chandler, and felt her heart break. He was the love of her life, and
she now understood the pain that he had been in when he had lost Kathy. She cried not
only for her, but for him, and for the tragedy that brought them together, and brought
them to this moment.
"Hold on.
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell."
~1999~
Two days after Ross and Rachel's wedding, Chandler came home to and elaborate dinner.
He smiled slightly, and placed his briefcase on the floor.
"Monica?"
"Hi!" Monica chirped, as she entered the living room.
"What's all this?" Chandler asked, gesturing toward the table.
"Dinner," Monica replied matter-of-factly. "Sit down."
Chandler sat down and watched Monica as she served him. She sat down and looked at him,
and smiled warmly.
"We, uh, we need to talk about what happened the other night," Chandler said softly.
He had been avoiding the conversation for the last two days, because he was afraid that
he would hurt Monica's feelings. He took a deep, shaky breath, and continued.
"I, um, I just wanted to apologize. I feel like an ass for doing that to you."
"Chandler," Monica took Chandler's hand in hers, "You have nothing to apoligize for, okay?"
"I feel..." Chandler was having trouble articulating his feelings in his own mind, so how
could he possibly explain them to Monica?
"Chandler, it's okay. You can talk to me."
"I feel like I have betrayed Kathy."
Chandler's words hit Monica like a boulder. She knew he was feeling guilty, and she knew it
was because he hadn't let go of Kathy. But hearing him actually say it hurt Monica more than
she had wanted it to.
"It's stupid, isn't it?" Chandler continued, "I mean, she's been gone for two years.
Two years! And I am still wearing my wedding band. And I feel guilty for sleeping with
you. And I shouldn't." Chandler sighed and stood up. He ran his hands through his hair,
as he paced around behind the couch.
"I am sorry because I am not being fair to you, Monica. When I made love to you, I wasn't
giving you my whole heart. My first instinct when I woke up the next morning was to run.
I felt like an ass for feeling so guilty, and I felt guilty for using you. I care about
you Monica, and I respect you, but my actions seem to say otherwise." Chandler slumped
down onto the couch, and put his head in his hands.
Monica joined Chandler on the couch. She looked at him for several minutes, and then
sighed heavily.
"I don't regret what happened Chandler. And I don't want you to feel guitly for what
happened. I know that you respect me, and I know that what happened was..." What did
happen? Was it a one night fling? Monica knew that there was more there, at least for
her. But she was afraid that Chandler didn't feel the same way. Chandler looked at her,
urging her to finish her sentence.
"I am not sure what happened, actually. But I do know that there was two of us there that
night, and I know that I am as responsible for my actions as you are yours." Monica saw a
look flash past Chandler's face, and she immediatly regretted her choice of words.
Though they both knew that Monica was talking about sex, Chandler couldn't help but to
recall his actions two years ago. His carelessness had cost him everything, and no matter
how many times his friends tried to assure him that the drunk driver was totally at fault,
he couldn't shake the awful feeling that he could have changed things. After all, he was
responsible for his own actions. He stood up, and scanned the room, as if he was looking
at it for the first time.
"I...I need to clear my head," he said quietly, and walked to the door.
"Okay," was all that Monica could say. She knew he needed space, and, truth be told,
so did she. She watched as he silently left the apartment, closing the door softly
behind him.
~2001~
The space that surrounded him was pitch black, and he couldn't see a thing. Yet Chandler
felt totally at peace. He hadn't felt this way for a very long time. He thought about
everything that had lead him to this moment, and wondered how he had gotten so jaded, and
so lost in himself. Suddenly, he felt himself being pulled away from the place where he
stood. The movement was beyond his control, yet he felt no anxiety. Where was he?
A soft, red light shone from an unrecognizable location. Chandler scanned the area,
searching for the source of the light. He finally gave up, and surveyed his surroundings.
The room was black, and rectangular. It was totally empty, but it was flanked by two
large, wooden doors, with elaboratly designed brass handles. Chandler resisted the urge
to open one of the two, and instead stood in the centre of the room, and waited, though
it occured to him that he had no idea what he was waiting for.
~48 hours earlier~
Chandler walked through Central Park, soaking in the afternoon sun. He smiled to himself,
as he thought about the anniversary plans that he had made for him and Monica. He was
looking forward to the evening, and silently wished the sun would start setting a little
faster. He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts, he didn't see the four year old boy
running toward him.
"Whoa there, little guy," Chandler said, as the child slammed face-first into Chandler's
shins.
Chandler crouched down and looked at the boy.
"You okay?"
The boy nodded and looked at Chandler, smiling broadly. It was then that Chandler saw it.
The boy had piercing blue eyes and curly auburn hair. He looked so much like...her.
Chandler shook off the eerie feeling and stood back up.
"Where's your mom?"
Just then, a frantic looking woman came running over to them.
"Max!" She yelled breathlessly, "Max, sweetie, don't you ever do that to me again!"
The woman turned her attention to Chandler, "Sorry about that. He just took off running!"
"It's uh, okay," Chandler said. "So, his name is Max?"
"Yeah. I'm Susanne."
"Chandler."
"Thanks again Chandler."
"No problem," Chandler muttered, as Susanne and Max wandered away. Chandler watched them
go, and saw Max turn and look at him, before walking out of sight.
Chandler sat down on a nearby bench, trying to collect himself. It was just a coincidence,
he told himself over and over. But the image of the boy stuck in his head. His son would
have been Max's age by now. Chandler was unaware of the tears that fell down his face.
Suddenly, the heartache that he had once thought was long gone hit him like a speeding semi,
and the world around him seemed to disappear.
*
Monica called the machine again, listening carefully to the message Chandler had left her
that morning. She was definitely at the right restaurant. She put down the cell phone
and sighed. Two hours was long enough. She grabbed her purse and stormed out of the
restaurant.
She opened the apartment door to find Chandler sitting on the sofa in the dark.
She slammed the door and turned on the lights.
"Would you like to explain to me WHY I spent the last two hours sitting in a restaurant
alone?"
Chandler looked up suddenly, as if he had just become aware of Monica's presence.
"Huh?" was all he could say.
Monica's face went crimson. "Are you kidding me with this? Where the hell were you Chandler?"
Chandler blinked himself back to reality. Oh no. What time was it? He looked at his watch.
It read 10:35. He looked up at Monica, who was fuming.
"Mon, I am SO SO sorry. I...I can explain."
"Then explain," Monica said icily.
Chandler relayed the events of the afternoon to Monica. He told her about the boy, and
about all of the feelings that had been going through him since the encounter. He ignored
the tears that fell down his face, and watched Monica's reaction to the story carefully.
When he finished, Monica sighed, and sat silently for what felt like an eternity.
Finally, she stood up.
"Chandler," she said slowly, "I can't do this anymore. I am tired, and I feel...."
Her voice trailed off, as she tried to find the right words.
"I can't live in the shadow of a ghost anymore."
Chandler went pale. He wasn't expecting this, not at all.
"Monica, I...I love you, you know that."
"But Chandler, you can't seem to let go of the past. Look, you know that I am sorry
about what happened to you, but it was four years ago. I can't keep doing this.
You tell me this story, about this little boy, and I am supposed to be okay with the
fact that you stood me up tonight. On our anniversary! Well, I am not alright with it
Chandler, and quite frankly, I am not really sure that you are ready to make me your
top priority. Tonight proves that."
"Monica," Chandler whispered, "I am so so sorry."
"I think we jumped into all of this too quickly. Maybe you need to be alone for a while.
I...I am gonna go stay with my parents for a few days. I need to clear my head."
Monica stood up and walked to the bedroom, to begin packing.
Chandler sat on the sofa, and didn't attempt to stop Monica. She walked past him without
a word, and closed the front door softly behind her. She was devistated that he didn't stop
her, or argue with her, or chase after her. He just let her go. She fought off the oncoming
flood of tears, and hailed a cab.
Chandler sat on the sofa, taking in Monica's words, for three hours. She was right.
He was not giving her his whole heart. He layed down on the sofa and stared at the ceiling.
How had it come to this?
The early morning sun shone on Chandler's face, waking him from an uncomfortable slumber.
He had tossed and turned all night, and had finally come to the realization that he needed
closure. He needed to get rid of the pain, and the guilt and the heartache that he had
built up over the past four years. He sat up, and walked to the bathroom. It was then
that it occured to him that Monica was really gone. He was so out of it the night before,
that he hadn't noticed, really. But as he scanned the bathroom, he saw that there was
nothing there that belonged to her. How long was she planning to be away? Chandler
felt a new pain in his heart-he had now lost Monica too. He looked at his reflection
in the mirror, and despised what he saw looking back at him. The man in the mirror looked
older, tired, and lifeless. There was no sparkle in his eyes, and no smirk on his face.
He was 31, yet he looked more like a 50 year old. He hated the person that he saw looking
back at him, hated what he had become. Chandler balled his hand up into a fist and
swung it at the reflection. The mirror shattered, and shards of silvery glass went everywhere.
The larger peices fell into the sink. Chandler picked up a large, jagged peice of glass,
and looked at it carefully. He looked at his hands, and saw blood dripping down the sides
of his palm. It was strange, he felt no pain. He held the peice of glass in the palm
of his hand, and closed his hand on it. More blood flowed from his hands, yet he still
felt no pain. Chandler was facinated by this. How could he whine about small paper
cuts, and not feel a thing when he held a peice of broken glass? Suddenly, the glass in
his hand popped, and he felt pieces of glass pierce his skin. Still, he felt no pain.
He picked up another piece of glass, and ran the sharp edge along his arm. Nothing.
No pain. He didn't even panic when he saw his own blood flowing from his arm at a rapid
pace. He felt nothing.
And then everything went black.
*
Joey walked into Monica and Chandler's apartment, and was surprised to see that no one was
there. He opened the refridgerator, and began the quest for food. Ross and Rachel walked
in a few moments later.
"Where's Monica and Chandler?" Rachel asked.
"I dunno," Joey replied, his head still inside the refridgerator.
"They were probably up all night 'doing it'," Phoebe said, as she walked into the apartment.
"Ew, Pheebs," Ross said.
"I gotta pee," Joey said, and closed the fridge door.
"Were we supposed to get them an anniversary gift or something?" Pheobe asked.
"You never get me and Ross gifts," Rachel countered.
"Ross and I, sweetie," Ross said, attempting to correct Rachel's grammatical error.
"Ross, for the last time, you are my husband, NOT my grammar coach!"
"Oh sweet Jesus!" Joey screamed, and he fell backwards from the bathroom doorway.
"What's wrong, Joe?" Ross asked.
When Joey didn't answer, the three friends walked over to see what Joey was staring at.
There, in the small, darkened room, they saw Chandler, lying facedown in a lifeless heap
on the floor. The black and white checkered tiles were covered with blood, and shards
of broken glass covered the sink, toilet and floor.
Rachel passed out, and Phoebe began screaming. Ross immediatly swung into action.
He picked up the phone and dialled 911. He ordered Joey to put Rachel on the couch,
and get Chandler out of the bathroom. Joey, who was numb from shock, simply did as he
was told. As he dragged Chandler out of the bathroom, he could hear Ross trying to talk
to the 911 operator, while Phoebe started to yell for Monica.
~1999~
Chandler opened the door to the apartment quietly, figuring that Monica would be in bed.
It was a quarter past 12, and he knew she had to work in the morning.
But Monica was not sleeping. She was sitting on the couch in the dark, weeping silently.
Chandler walked over to her, and without a word took her into his arms. They stayed that
way for several minutes. It was Monica who finally pulled away. She looked into Chandler's
eyes, and smiled softly.
"Mon, I'd be kidding myself if I thought that the other night didn't mean something to me.
It meant a lot. And if you are willing to be a little patient with me, I think I am ready
to move on. What do you think?"
Monica didn't say anything. She couldn't. It was at this moment that she realized that she
was in love with Chandler. She was so overwhelmed by this discovery, that she was unable to
speak, or even move. Chandler looked at her, waiting for a reaction. When she gave none, he
pulled away, figuring that she had decided that the whole thing was a mistake. He was waiting
for her to ask him to leave, to find his own place. He walked away from her, and was about to
go into his bedroom to pack, when he heard her cry out to him.
"Chandler!"
He turned, and saw that she had fresh tears in her eyes. She walked over to him and put her
hands on his face. She pulled him into a kiss. But not just any kiss, it was The Kiss.
The kiss that everyone waits their whole life for, the one that sends shivers up and down
your spine.
This kiss said more than words ever could. Chandler melted into Monica's arms, and it was
then that he knew. His life would be forever different. He could love Monica forever.
If only he could let go of his pain, guilt and anger. He had to do it. He had to let go-
for her. For her, Chandler would do anything.
~2001~
Chandler stood in the darkened room for several minutes, wondering what to do next. Suddenly,
one of the doors opened, and a women walked through it, closing it softly behind her.
Chandler's knees went weak when he realized who it was.
"Kathy," he whispered.
"Hello Chandler," Kathy said softly. Although she was standing in front of him, her voice
sounded distant.
"What...how? You're dead. You died 4 years ago."
"I know."
"Am I dead?"
"No. Not yet."
"Then where am I?" Chandler looked around the room again.
"You are...at The Crossroads," Kathy replied.
"The...what?"
"The Crossroads. It's time for you to make a decision. Behind that door," Kathy pointed
to the door that she had come from, "is eternity."
"And behind the other door?" Chandler asked.
"A lifetime."
"I don't understand."
"You need to decide what you want to do. You can come with me now, or you can go through the
other door, and spend a lifetime with a woman that loves you very much."
"Monica."
"You love her Chandler, but you don't love her completely. If you choose to go through that
door, then you need to let go. Let go of all of that guilt that you have inside of you.
You didn't do anything wrong that night. It's time for you to let all of that go, Chandler.
It's time for you to let *me* go."
"What if she doesn't want me? I really screwed up this time, Kathy."
"That's a chance you have to be willing to take. If you love her, you need to prove it.
You need to fight for her."
"But what about you? And baby Max?"
"We will always be with you. But you can't stop living your life because we're not there with
you. You were lucky enough to find love again, Chandler. Don't let it go. Monica can
make you happy, if you will just let her."
Chandler shook his head. "I...I'm just not sure."
"Well," Kathy said, as she headed for one of the doors, "both doors are open to you, and there
is no wrong answer. The choice is yours. Follow your heart."
Chandler suddenly found himself alone again. He looked at both doors. Behind one door there
was Kathy, and eternity. An eternity free of the pain and guilt of not only losing his wife
and son, but of losing Monica to his own selfishness. He could walk through that door, and
she could move on, and find someone that could make her happy.
But behind the other door, was Monica. The pain that he felt still existed, and he would have
to really work through that, and try to convince Monica that what they had was worth fighting
for. He knew that Monica loved him, and he realized that she was worthy of much more love than
he had given her thus far.
If he chose that door, he would need to love Monica with all of his heart and soul.
Chandler made his decision, and opened one of the doors.
*
Monica had fallen asleep on Chandler's chest, and awoke with a start when the monitor alarm
started beeping loudly. Within seconds, several nurses and a doctor were in the room.
One of the nurses led Monica to the hallway. Monica could hear the doctor yelling, and she
began to cry.
Large machines were being rolled into Chandler's room, and nurses were running in and out.
Phoebe, Joey, Ross and Rachel heard the commotion, and came running out into the hallway.
The door of Chandler's room opened, and a nurse exited. As the door swung shut, Monica heard
the doctor's voice echo through the room;
"Time of death, 11:49 pm."
**********
Chapter 5 coming soon!!