Ali
G. Check this! I is 'ere with
none other dan Olympic God Hercules, he be the son of Zeus
hos none other than the King of the Gods. Respect. Wicked.
And we is talking about heroes. Hercules is gonna tell us 'ow we
all can be heroes. Can't we?
Hercules:
Thanks for promoting me to a God. I'm actually only
half-god. My father is Zeus, Kind of the Gods and my mother was
mortal, so I am just a normal guy like everyone else.
Ali
G. What do you think makes a woman a hero?
Hercules:
Exactly the same things that make a man a hero.
Ali
G: But is it things like she spits
into her hankie?
Hercules: I don't
think spitting into ones handkerchief can be regarded as a symbol
of being a hero, no.
Ali
G. What if someone is so
heroic, dey are famous and have like a swimming pol? Would dey
den be a hero?
Hercules:
Erm no I think that is a bizarre definition of
heroism.
Ali
G: And when you was in Egipt, you is
met Cleopatra, right? The chick that bathed in Asses milk?
Hercules: In what?
Ali
G: Asses milk.
Hercules: Ass...milk.
Botty milk?
Ali
G: No asses'. From your...(points to rear)
Hercules: No, no,
no....donkeys. She bathed in donkey milk.
Ali
G: Oh Right .... So what if I knobbed
the daughter of Xena?
Hercules: (Bemused)
What if you did?
Ali
G.: If she got a bun in the oven, would
the little nipper be a hero, too?
Hercules: Erm, it
has nothing to do with your heritage. If you do what is right and
follow your heart, then anybody can be a hero.
Ali
G: What if you got busy with me sister? I wouldn't advise it
'cos' she ain't the cleanest of girls.
Hercules:
I haven't had the pleasure of meeting your sister.]
Ali
G: Aye. Well it can be
arranged. She'll be keen.
Hercules:
I ... I ... I appreciate the offer, but I don't think
that's such a good idea. I'm sure that your sister is a
lovely girl, but right now, I really don't
Ali
G: You think you is too good
for me sister?
Hercules: Certainly
not, I wasn't saying that.
Ali
G: Aye.
Hercules: No, no
please, I wasn't saying that for a moment.
Ali
G: You is. She is rank.
Hercules: No, no
Ali
G: She's really rough, y'know?
Hercules:
No, I'm sure that your sister is lovely and I'm sure
she'll find somebody who is better suitable for her than me.
Ali
G: No believe me. Even my Mum
cuss her and call her a slag.
Hercules: I take your
word on that.
Ali
G: Do you think if Zeus was doing more stuff down here he
could bring people together? Like he does on the Olympics, where
he brings the whole of da world together?
Hercules: The
Olympic Games are something special. We tried to promote peace
with them. If people have to fight each other, then it should be
done on a sportive level. Not with weapons. Killing never solved
anything.
Ali
G: But there is always people who say
that it is about identity, but when it come down to it, do you
think it's about fight over the woman?
Hercules: Er, no.
Ali
G: Everyone is saying they are
fighting for the 'Corrs ', do you believe that?
Hercules: They
certainly believe it and therefore I have to believe it.
Ali
G: Aye
Hercules:
Fighting for a good cause is good. It's the methods I take
exception to and fight against.
Ali
G: I mean, they is fit, but do
you think they is worth fighting over? I mean,
two of them is well beautiful but the drummer is....
Hercules:
If it's not about freedom, equality and the right of
everybody to life their lives the way they choose, then it's not
worth fighting over. I really don't believe it is.
Ali
G: Aye. So what kind of skill do you need to be an hero? Do
you 'ave to be strong, brave and ready to, like, fight for da
weak?
Hercules:
Yes, that is the primary requirement
Ali
G: Is that not racialist?
Hercules: What? Why?
Ali
G: Because it is unfair on people who are not brave and
don't wanna help da weak.
So 'ow many heroes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hercules:
Er What's a lightbulb?
Ali
G: With full respect, why is
so many of them heroes half gods?
Hercules:
They are not all half gods.
Ali
G: Is it because you are trying to
stop discrimination and so you let in a lot of da weirdoes?
Hercules: No
Ali
G: Is Jo Brand an hero?
Hercules: No
Ali
G: Why is she so weird then?
Hercules: I don't
know, you'd have to ask her.
Ali
G: Aye. You is a close friend of all
the Gods. You is de expert in the country about the Olympic Gods
and about the Greek mythology. So can you tell us why it is so
important.
Will Hera ever be queen?
Hercules: She
certainly is trying.
Ali
G: Do you think that a lot of
the objection to Hera is because she is so mingin'?
Hercules: So What?
Ali
G: So Mingin'.
Hercules:
I'm sorry. I don't understand. What does mingin' mean?
Ali
G: So mingin'. Her face is
very...ugly.
Hercules: That's a
cruel word.
Ali
G: No, not ugly, me didn't
wanna say that. She's rank. She's rank.
Hercules:
Hera might be an evil Goddess, but I
think most of the women on Mt. Olympus
Ali
G: Aye, is a bit dodgy....
Hercules: Well, no,
but it's a hell of a job being compared to Aphrodite, who is a
good looking Goddess. NO, to be fair Aphrodite is very...
Ali
G: Tasty
Hercules:
She's my sister, so I wouldn't call her tasty. But
she is the Goddess of Love and Beauty. So you put anybody up
against her and there's a wee bit of a problem. She's also very
conscious of her body and her appearance and looks after herself.
Ali
G: She ain't fit man
Hercules:
No, this is a woman who undertands the problmes of love, She
Ali
G: Aye - she looks like wicked, man.
Hercules: (sighs)
Yes, she does.
Ali
G: You as also very active with da kids, right. Do you think
that they shou just teach them more relevant stuff, like dealing
or, you know, stabbing? Then that would be useful
Hercules:
I don't think stabbing would be useful.
Ali
G: Do you think fighting should be taught in schools?
Hercules: No
Ali
G: Why not?
Hercules: I think
that learning to read and write is much more important.
Ali
G: Do you think warlords should teach fighting in school?
Hercules:
No
Ali
G: Why not?
Hercules:
Because I do not respect them. They are evil, violent and the
only thing they are interested in is hurting people
Ali
G: But they has more success
experience than anyone else.
Hercules: I know, but
that is not the kind of experience I want for children.
Ali
G: But someone who has killed a few geezers would know how to
cope wid any situation.
Hercules: Well some
of these situations I would not put myself in from the beginning.
Ali
G: For real. Me feeling that, Hercules, me feeling that so
strong. Respect, man!
Ali G does Hercules: The Legendary Journeys!
By: Ceridwen