Something to Hold On To
By Chash
"What, I'm
not allowed to drink? Why do we have a
bar if we aren't allowed to drink?"
He heard a
laugh next to him. "Haven't you heard,
Kamura? Don't do drugs. We have to spout it enough."
Kamura
Naozumi looked next to him. The smiling
visage of Nigahara Ken greeted him.
Naozumi looked back at the bartender.
"This is a
legal drug. And it's not like I'm
addicted."
"Yeah, you
can stop any time you want. I'm guessing
it's this, right?" asked Nigahara, tossing a newspaper at Naozumi. Naozumi knew the headline without looking at
it. 'Kurata Sana has announced her
engagement.'
"I've never
done it before, so I can start any time I want."
"You're
underage, Kamura."
"Besides,"
commented the bartender, "I have orders not to let you get wasted. You two aren't the only ones who have seen
that article."
Naozumi
buried his face in his hands. "Am I that
obvious?" Nigahara's hand reached over
his head and picked up the paper, looking at the photo of Kurata and her boyfriend.
"Hmm…"
Nigahara feigned thought. "The girl
you've been in love with your whole life and who you allowed to determine your
occupation and future announces her engagement.
Nope, no one had a clue you were going to try to get wasted."
"Bastard,"
muttered Naozumi under his breath.
"Besides, they've been together forever.
I should be used to it."
"Come on,
Kamura, you left Japan to get away from them," commented Nigahara. It sucks for you to get our weekly supply of
newspapers from back home and find out she's getting married."
"You knew
why I left?" asked Naozumi. Nigahara
shrugged.
"Yeah, I've
heard about you and her," said Nigahara, something strange in his voice. "'Sides, taking a long job acting in a
different country, you must have been running away from something."
"So is
everyone on set running away?"
"Nah. You're the only
big Japanese star in this movie, so this isn't the only job you could have
gotten. Certainly it's not the best
paying job you could have gotten."
"Have you
been thinking about this?" asked Naozumi, his voice still slightly muffled due
to its current position.
"The rest
of the film crew was trying to figure out why someone like you would agree to
do something like this, taking himself out of so many projects for so long and
not getting much cash for it. Boss barely
even offered you the position; he swore you wouldn't take it. Someone said it might be because of Kurata."
"I'd hoped
everyone had forgotten," commented Naozumi, studying the interesting way the
wood was patterned on the table.
"Well, we
all thought it would be better to not let you have alcohol, just in case. If you didn't care you wouldn't ask for it
anyway."
"I'm glad
you all have so much faith in my ability to control myself."
Nigahara
ruffled his hair. "It's just because we
care, Nao-chan."
"Don't call
me Nao-chan, Nigahara."
"You can
call me Ken-chan."
Naozumi
looked up and glared at him. "Not
interested, Nigahara."
Nigahara
poked his nose. "At least we get your
face back. Don't spend too much time
moping, Kamura. This may be a day off,
but there are better things to do with it."
"Like
what?" muttered Naozumi to Nigahara's retreating back. He turned back to the bartender.
"Come on,
just one? She's the love of my life and
I'm not working today."
"Nope, kid,
sorry. I'm not allowed to give you
any. You're underage and they told me
not to."
"Shit,"
commented Naozumi. Maybe he'd go see
Nigahara. He'd been in far too bad a
mood with the other teen and he should at least apologize. In fact, Nigahara Ken was one of the few
people who he actually felt content to call his friend. Sana-chan was his friend,
she would always be his friend. He'd
done a lot to make her think that he'd gotten over her, that all he wanted was
friendship. He'd told her a long time
ago that he could be content just loving her.
He couldn't
forget the hope that had surged in him that one time when she'd said she loved
him. But whenever he remembered that
hope, he remembered also the way that his heart had sunk a moment afterward
because she was never going to love him, not as long as she had Hayama.
"Oi,
Kamura, you all right?" asked Nigahara.
The teen was sitting on the steps, arms crossed on top of his
knees. He looked sad. Naozumi sat down next to him.
"I could
ask you the same thing. Are you all
right, Nigahara?"
Nigahara
smiled broadly. "Me? 'Course! I'm fine."
Naozumi
shook his head, staring out in front of the building to the sea. "You sound like her."
There was
no need for Nigahara to ask who she was.
He grinned and blushed. "Wow,
Kamura, coming from you, I'm honored."
Naozumi
smiled. "Don't let it go to your head,
Ken."
Nigahara
raised his eyebrow. "Are we on a first
name basis now, Kamura?"
Naozumi
pondered a moment. "Yes, I think we
are. We've know each other long enough."
Nigahara—Ken
reached out to feel his forehead. "Well,
you don't feel sick," he said with a smirk.
"Does this mean I can you Nao-chan?"
Naozumi
laughed. "Don't push your luck, Ken."
"You seem
better," Ken commented after a moment of silence. Naozumi smiled his usual 'I'm trying to look
happy but I'm hiding something' smile.
"You
helped, Ken. Thank you."
"No
problem. I didn't do much, after all."
"More than
you think."
"Would it
help to talk about her?" asked Ken quietly.
Naozumi looked over at him for the first time. His head was resting on his crossed arms,
staring out to the sea.
"Are you
sure you're all right?"
"Yeah. Would it
help?"
Naozumi was
silent for a moment. "I never even
kissed her. He kissed her without even
asking. I couldn't believe anyone who
cared about her would do that. After
all, he took her first kiss without giving her a choice. I couldn't understand why she chose him."
Ken said
nothing, and Naozumi was glad for it.
"I thought
that my love could outlast his. I
thought that he couldn't possibly feel for her what I felt. Then I saw his eyes just once, one day. And I knew that I was wrong. We looked into each other's eyes for a second
and I realized that this was how it was going to be forever.
"The next
day, I got offered this job and I took it.
I swore I'd forget about her. I
swore I'd move on."
"It's been
six months and you're still pining over her," said Ken bluntly.
Naozumi
glared at him. "Thank for that wonderful
reminder of the futility of my existence."
"I'm
telling it like it is, Nao."
Naozumi
gave the same sad smile. "I know,
Ken. Sometimes that doesn't help,
though."
"So what
would help?"
Naozumi
shrugged. "I don't know."
"Anything
else you need to get out?"
Another
silence issued from Naozumi. "It's
starting to hurt my jobs. I won't take
kissing roles. I keep telling myself to
give it up, because I'll never get my first kiss from her, but…" he pulled his
knees up and crossed his arms over them, dropping his head onto his arms in a
mime of Ken's position. Ken turned his
head, apparently considering the words.
H shook his head.
"Old habits
die hard, I know."
"Have you
ever been in love?" asked Naozumi.
"I like to
think so."
"Did you
ever forget her?"
"I'm not
that much older than you, Nao. I haven't
forgotten yet."
"I thought
it might get easier."
"You've
been in love longer than I have. You're
the expert here. Bartender-san in there
might know something if you ask him."
"I'll pass,"
he touched his own cheek, allowing his hand to slip off of it. "I always wondered what it would be like…" he
stopped abruptly and smiled apologetically.
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to dump on you like this."
"I don't
mind. You had to get it out sometime,"
said Ken. He moved over and put an arm
around Naozumi's shoulder. "What are
friends for?"
Naozumi
thought about this for a moment. "Going
and asking Bartender-san for some sake for me?"
"Wrong
answer," said Ken, smiling, "I won't get you sake."
"Please?"
asked Naozumi, his eyes wide. "Imagine
if it was the girl you loved getting married."
"I'm
underage too. Furthermore,
no."
Naozumi
crossed his arms like a spoiled child.
"I'm not going to get wasted."
"I know,
Nao. Trust me, though, it's the wrong
way to deal with it."
"Do you
ever just want something to hold onto?
Do you ever want something that you can just be near and be safe with?"
Naozumi
felt Ken's other arm go around him and pull him closer. "This help?"
"Some…"
murmured Naozumi, marveling in how warm another body felt when it was this
close. He hadn't been hugged much. Swarms of younger children at the institute
had hugged him, he'd hugged Sana-chan on and off, but few people ever hugged
him. It was warm and felt nice. Thank you."
"Like I
said," replied Ken, his voice rough, "what are friends
for?"
He stayed warm
and comforted for a moment and then thought of her. He always ended up thinking of her. She must be happy now. She was going to marry Hayama. He'd finally proposed. They loved each
other. Naozumi should have been happy
for them, and some part of him, the part that wanted Sana happy more than he
wanted anything else in the world, was happy for them. The other parts of him were jealous and
wishing he could just forget. He pulled
away from Ken.
"Thank
you," he repeated. Ken smiled.
"You'd
better stop thanking me, Nao, or it'll go to my head."
"All right,
I'll stop," he rose, looking up at the sky.
Ken stood up next to him and swallowed.
Naozumi turned to him. "Are you
all ri-"
Ken was
kissing him. His touch was soft and he
obviously didn't expect the kiss to be returned. Naozumi could see that his eyes were shut
lightly. Ken slowly pulled away, any
emotion that the kiss might have caused masked by a grin.
"Now you
can do kissing roles," Ken's face turned serious. "I'm sorry I didn't ask first, but I figured
it was easier to just get it over with.
Believe me; I know how much it hurts to wait around forever."
"Did she
ever kiss you?"
"My first
kiss," he commented, "I gave it, and I didn't get any response."
Naozumi
nodded. "I don't mind. Thank you, you're
a good friend." He walked off.
Ken watched
him, a sadness in his eyes that didn't fit with the smile on his face. "I'd be more, Nao-chan, if you would just let
me."
Owari (maybe tbc).
