It's odd, I suppose. Before, I'd never really thought that it would come to this. I thought that he would be mine... that he would always be mine.. That he'd never leave me.
I never thought I'd have to find a lover Elsewhere. I never thought that it would be my fault that I lost the one I had...
It's odd, how things can be similar and yet so different. I've looked into his mind... I've seen how things are for him. So close to the way things are... were... for me. For us. Before everything fell apart...
I've seen everything, everything about his life. His sister, thank the gods that she's still alive... His friends, Weiss. Weiss... and Schwarz.
The very thought chills me. Weiss and Schwarz... Schwarz and Weiss. The exact opposite of how I've always known them... I don't like thinking about it. I don't like knowing that the people I have always known and cared for are the very image of evil...
If I hadn't looked into my lover's mind, I would have never, not in my wildest dreams, ever pictured my teammates the way my lover sees them. To him, Weiss is Schwarz and Schwarz is Weiss... His mind is like a mirror. To him, Weiss's leader, my loyal friend Julian, is Crawford... A dark reflection of the one I know so well. To him, sweet little Yukito, who always seems to enjoy showing off to us, is Nagi... a chilling imitation of our good-natured friend. And Danny... I never would have imagined that my lover would see him as a deranged psychopath. And then... the last...
The thought of the last makes me shudder. He is everything I am not, everything I do not wish to be. Toying with people's minds the way he does... The very thought makes me sick to my stomach. Schuldich... he disgusts me. To know that I look like him, that in my lover's life, I am him... or the closest thing to him... It is a bit frightening, to say the least. I don't want to be like him... At times, I have to keep telling myself that I am not, that I'll never be like him. I am not Schuldich... I am Schatten. I am part of Weiss... I am what he is not.
Weiss... after looking into my lover's mind, I just can't look at Weiss and Schwarz the same way again. Julian, Danny, Yukito... Knowing who they are in my lover's eyes... It frightens me. I can only comfort myself by knowing for a -fact- that they are not what my lover sees them as... That they are my friends, that I can count on them. But the enemy... it's the enemy that bothers me the most. Schwarz... my lover's Weiss. I dodge Shigeru's wires, only to realize that in my lover's eyes, he uses those wires for good. I duck out of the way of Kojiro's claws, only to know that in my lover's eyes, those claws rip away evil. I flee from Kenji's darts and arrows, while knowing that to my lover, he is as innocent as our Yukito...
It hurts to know all this. It hurts to think this... Though, none of it hurts as much as what has always hurt, what has always been in my heart.. Ever since that day...
I remember the way he used to be. I remember it well. Ran... I loved him, with all my heart. He was on our side; he was with Weiss. One would think that because he didn't share our... oddities.. that he wouldn't quite fit in, but nothing could be further from the truth. He was our leader.. and I loved him. I remember... He had joined after the death of his parents. His sister was still alive, and his love for her was like nothing I had ever seen... I remember, they would talk for hours about nothing, always laughing... And I thank the gods that she approved of my relationship with her brother. But then, everything fell apart...
The day it happened isn't all that clear to me. I remember Ran telling me he and Ai were going to the park, that they needed to spend some time together... It had been a while since they had had any real time for such a thing. I remember smiling at him, kissing him, telling him to do whatever he wished.. And then nothing more. Nothing, until a few hours afterward, when I got the phone call. I remember the way his voice sounded, the anguish, the pain... His sister was dead.
It still hurts, to remember it. His sister, dead... such an innocent girl, she was. I remember, she had been hit by a truck, crossing the street.. And I remember Ran's sorrow. Sorrow.. and hatred. Yes... hatred. He blamed us for it. Us! Weiss! We had done nothing... Nothing at all.. but still, he blamed us. Claimed that it was our fault... I never did understand that. All I know is one day he was mine... And the next, he belonged to the enemy. Schwarz. I remember his cold words- they echo in my mind each day. "You are nothing to me any more. You never were. If it's the last thing I do before I die, I'll kill you all... I swear it."
He meant it. I could read that much. He still means it... I can hear those words whenever I'm near him, I can read it in his mind... But I can never read why. The big question... Why. Before it had all happened, he'd learned to block things from me. Learned to shield things from me.. and from himself. When he had first discovered how, I didn't really care. I allowed him a few secrets. Now... I regret it. He's changed so much... nothing remains of what he once was. He's joined those madmen, Schwarz... And plans to someday kill me.
I've given up on trying to resurrect anything of what he might have once been. It's beyond my abilities- he's blocked it all out. He's no longer Ran... no longer the person I knew, no longer my lover. Now.. now, he's just Ai. Ai, leader of Schwarz.
That's why I did this. That's why I went searching. That's why, every night, I go to the mind of my lover. Aya. Ran. My other Ran. He's everything Ai used to be... everything I used to love about him. Everything...
I'd searched for him, for a while. I knew who I wanted... someone who was exactly like the way Ai used to be, as close as possible. Cold on the outside, sweet and innocent on the inside.. And lonely. And I found him.
At first, he hated me. At first, he was afraid of me... Afraid of who I might be. Schuldich. He thought I was Schuldich. I thank the gods I was able to convince him otherwise... that I was able to show him just how far I am from being that twisted, sick imitation of me. We need each other...
If I could change the arrangement, I would. If I could hold him in my arms at night, instead of meet him in his dreams like this, I would. But I can't... there's only so much I can do. And this... it's good enough for me. It's all I need... to know that at night, as we sleep, we'll to be together. But it's not good enough for him...
Not good enough. I'm not good enough... He wants what I want, but we both want what we can't have... And that isn't good enough for him.
...There is a way to give him what he wants. But it's something I'm reluctant to do.. Because he won't be getting exactly what he wishes for. It would be impossible to give him that. But I can try to give him something similar... An alternative.. A stand-in, for me. If that stand-in agrees to be like me.
Ah, as if that would ever happen. Never... I'll never do that. I'll never speak to that stand-in, never tell him what Ran wishes for. Never. Simply because of who that stand-in is... or rather, would be... The one I despise the most...
Never.
I bid my lover farewell, and disappear from his mind. He seems less and less satisfied every night... Sighing, I open my eyes. It is morning, but early... So early, the sun has yet to rise. Lovely.
A bit groggily, I get out of bed, running my fingers through my tangled mess of hair. Such knots.. it's such a pain to keep. However, it would have to wait... I didn't feel like showering, just yet. No sane person would be awake at this hour...
Coffee. I need coffee... and mints, my well-known addiction. Sighing, I throw on my housecoat and open my door, making my way to the kitchen in the dark.
Odd... there's a light on in there. Peeking in the door, I smile slightly at the sight that greets me- Yukito, sitting at the table, typing away on his laptop, munching away at -my- stash of mints. This isn't much of a surprise. After all, no -sane- person would be awake at this hour...
"Ohayou, Yuki," I mumble, stifling a yawn. He looks up at the sound of my voice, the slightest of guilty blushes colouring his cheeks.
"...Ohayou, Schatten-kun," he says softly, pushing the bag of candy over to the other side of the table as quickly as he can, as if hoping I hadn't seen. "A.. Anou... what're you doing up so early?"
I glance at the clock and shrug. "I'd ask you the same thing, but I know you better than that..." Letting out a yawn I was unable to hold in, I sit down next to him, snatching -my- mints. "I should have known that it was -you- stealing my from my stash..."
"Couldn't you have just read it?" he mumbled, his blush fading slightly as he busied himself with typing- most likely it was homework he had procrastinated on, and was only -just- getting around to.
"...Hn. You know I don't do that if I can help it."
"...Point taken."
A few moments of silence passed, broken only by the sound of keys pressed by invisible fingers and my munching of the hard candies. But when that moment passed...
"So, spill. Why're you up? It's not like you to wake up at three in the morning... And when you do, you usually head straight for the shower, and stay in there for hours. Is something wrong?"
"Nothing you should worry about, bishounen," I replied softly as I crossed my arms on the table, resting my head on them. "Just... something you wouldn't understand."
"..Oh. It's about Ran, then."
I nearly jump at the name, then realize who he speaks of. Ran. Our Ran. Ai... "..Hai. I suppose you could say that."
Click, click, clack, clack. I watched him 'type', as if in a trance. It was always a rather amazing sight, though I had seen it many times before... Those keys, moving, though he didn't touch them... The words appearing on the screen... When ordinary people typed, it was as if they were almost an extension of the computer.. but not our Yukito. He was far above the computer... He commanded it, wielded it as if he were a minor god... And watching him type was like watching a babbling brook, or a zamboni cleaning ice. It held one entranced...
His voice was soft, sympathetic, though it was obvious he didn't quite understand everything. "...You still love him, don't you?" he murmured, tone blending in with the sound of the keyboard.
I was silent for a moment. How was I to answer that? After a thought, I decided it was best to go with just a simple, "Yes."
"... He's not the man he once was, you know."
"... I know."
His typing slowed and he looked up at me, chestnut bangs falling in his eyes. "Someday, it might come to the point where we'll have to... get rid of him. You understand that, don't you?"
I nodded, sighing. "Yes. I know. I don't like it, but... I know."
"No matter who does it- be it Julian, or me, or even you... it'll have to be done..."
I swallowed. It wasn't a pleasant thought... "I know. I understand.."
"... You'd do it, even though you still love him?"
I looked away from him, to hide my eyes. There was that feeling in them, the hot, liquid feeling that you get when you're going to cry at any moment, and you know it. /I don't love -him-, Yuki/ I whispered into his mind. /I'm in love with who he used to be. I'm in love with a dream... a memory. Someone that only comes back to me when I sleep... Someone that would never, ever hurt us. Someone completely different./
I stood, and walked away without another word. The tears came, but I wiped them away. Tears wouldn't bring Ran to this world... and tears wouldn't transform Ai back into the man I loved.
Perhaps... it was time to go back to sleep.