Chapter 8-A Secret That Could Kill Me
Papa was leading me towards the door with a gun to my back, "Keep this our little secret, okay Charlotte?" he whispered then began to madly sing the lullaby. The barrel of the gun was loosening from my back, and I knew not to scream even then, a large lump was growing in my throat, I couldn't move.
"Papa, please …" I croaked, it was unreal, I was expecting to wake up any minute, he kept singing, stoking my back, little by little the gun was leaving my back. I didn't wake up.
I tried hard to not think of what was sitting less than ten feet away from me, but it's hard not to, I whimpered, and the gun was again pressed hard to my back.
Papa let go of me "Remember, sweet Charlotte, our little secret, or I will kill you, be sure of that."
With that I ran, down the stairs, out the door, away … Papa's madness leaking into me, I tripped and skinned my knee, I ran farther, and to the road, and sat on a rock, further soiling my night dress with mud. I suppose I must have looked queer, in my nightdress crying on the side of a road, many disapproving faces passed by, and I sat there wondering whether I should take my life. It was so friendly, that thought, I wouldn't have to deal with the secrets. Even hell would be better than our house.
The sharp winter wind went under my wool nightdress and chilled me past my bones, forcing me to get up, and walk back on my bloodied feet to the house, but once I arrived, I decided to return to the guest cottage instead, inside the cottage it was nearly as cold as inside, so I went back out to pick up some sticks and lit a fire in the long unused stove, then curled onto the window-seat and watched the house until I got hungry. I checked the cupboard in the minute-size kitchen, the only thing was canned peaches and chili, and some sleeping pills.
I opened the canned peaches and ate them straight out, I crushed the whole bottle of pills into the peaches, the. Trying to avoid thoughts of the attic, maybe I would die here, I thought, then I drifted into reverie, a trance.
I was five years old again running into papa's arms, watching mother dress up for a party. The world made sence again.
I was drifting out of my body, the peaches fell to the rug, I didn't care. I was floating, sleep was covering me like a warm bath. The world was slow motion I was running, my mother was there, I was gone.
A Technicolor world was behind my eyes, I opened them, the door was opening, my mother ran to me. Disembodied screams were floating in my ears. I was care-free. I was in an ambulence … doctors. It's a dream. Dreaming.
Later I found I had had an overdose, I lived. How unlucky am I?
My father came to the hospital, or at least that was what I was told, he came and sang, I heard it in my dreams.
"Hush
Hush Sweet Charlotte
I'll sing you a lullaby
"Hush
Hush Sweet Charlotte
Please Don't Cry
"Hush
Hush Sweet Charlotte
Till the Day that I die
"Hush
Hush Sweet Charlotte
I'll never tell you a lie."
I had a dream, that night, or day, that forever changed my universe. I had a day that forever changed my universe.
Hopefully it would end.
Hopefully it would stop.
Now I should hush, like the song said.
Maybe the lies and secrets would end.
But I know it never will.
And the song will never end.
Now all I hear is the beat of my heart …
To Be Continued …