Everybody Loves Kamui

by kerianne

And I mean EVERYBODY. *snicker* Poor Kamui.... or lucky Kamui, depending on your point of view. ^_~ (shounen-ai, yaoi themes)

Author: Kerianne
Email: mpike@froggernet.com
Title: Everybody Loves Kamui
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Shounen-ai, yaoi, insanity.
Author's Notes: Just a random idea. People have seemed to like it, even though I thought it was just weird. *shrug* hehe

Everybody Loves Kamui

(or How the Dragons of Heaven and Earth Finally Learned to Agree On Something)

It was supposed to be just another average day for Shirou Kamui. Get up, wander around angsting over Fuuma/Kotori/fate for a while, have some vaguely yaoi-ish bonding sessions with one of his male teammates, maybe get molested by the Dark Kamui a little, and call it a day. He was just about to begin one of the aforementioned angsting sessions when a bouncy blond figure hurrying toward him informed him that one Segawa Keiichi was about to derail his plans in a big way.

"Shirou-kun!"

Kamui closed his eyes and concentrated on the most depressing things he could think of-- Kotori's disembodied head, Fuuma's betrayal, his own horrible fate-oppressed existence-- and by the time Keiichi reached him, his anti-genki armor was at full power.

"Shirou-kun, I brought you something!"

One violet eye cracked open, and Kamui groaned inwardly when he saw the colorful burst of flowers the other boy was holding. Segawa was really getting desperate.

Keiichi blushed faintly. "I just wanted to tell you... well... I really like you, Kamui. There's something about the pain in those deep purple eyes of yours... I want to take you away from all that."

Kamui opened both eyes and stared at him. "That was actually... kind of deep, Segawa."

"Or maybe it's just that cute little butt of yours. Either way... Kamui, I..."

"Not interested," Kamui muttered, pushing his way past a shocked and disappointed Keiichi. He was cranky now. His angsting had been quite rudely interrupted. He stalked off-- and wound up running straight into a familiar school-uniform-clad chest.

"Going somewhere, Kamui-kun?" A pair of hands entangled themselves in his hair, stroking with false tenderness. The small bishonen struggled, but those same hands were soon drifting down onto his shoulders, his waist, and beyond. A dark chuckle came from somewhere above Kamui's head. "Keep struggling. I like it that way."

"Fuuma--"

"/Kamui/."

"Dammit, Fuuma!"

"/Kamui/!" The older boy suddenly pushed his prey away and glared, folding his arms over his chest. "Why does everyone have so much trouble with this concept??"

Then he smiled evilly and moved upon Kamui once again. "I suppose it doesn't matter," he said in a silky murmur. "Whatever name you choose to call me, you're going to be screaming it all night long..."

Kamui rolled his eyes and said nothing, wondering if it was a prerequisite for evil people to use really bad pickup lines, or if it was just Fuuma. "Listen, Fuuma-- /Kamui/-- whatever, can we postpone this little molestation session? Just this once? I'm really not feeling it today."

Fuuma frowned. "But I haven't molested you in four whole days."

"Tomorrow. I promise."

While Fuuma was thinking it over, Kamui took the opportunity to run like hell. He heard shouts behind him, something about how Kamui had better get back there or the next time they met he was going to have to face the terrifying wrath of the frog, but when he turned around Fuuma was gone.

Immediately he lapsed back into his tormented persona. "Fuuma..." he sighed, trudging down the road. "Kotori..."

He had gotten up to 17 "Fuuma..."s and 24 "Kotori..."s by the time he got back to the Imonoyama mansion. Yuzuriha greeted him at the door.

"Hey, Kamui! I've been looking all over for you!"

"Fuuma..." the violet-eyed boy sighed. "Kotori..."

Yuzu tilted her head and popped cat ears. "Huh?"

Kamui shook his head a little and blinked. "Sorry. It's hard to stop sometimes."

"Okay..." The young girl shrugged, and her face returned to its typical genki expression. "It's great to see you!" She hesitated for a moment, then continued. "There's... something I've been wanting to tell you."

Kamui blinked, having a sudden flashback to his earlier scene with Keiichi. But no, Yuzuriha wouldn't be telling him something like that. She was already involved with that Kusanagi guy. "What is it?"

"I..." She stopped walking, staring down at the floor and scuffing her feet, the slightest hint of a blush coloring her cheeks. "Ikindahavealittletinycrushonyou," she blurted all at once.

Kamui sweatdropped. "Er... repeat that?"

"I just said that... I kinda... sorta... have a little... crush on... you..." She trailed off, looking up at him with hopeful eyes.

He stared at her.

"What? I-- I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable--"

Kamui rolled his eyes and walked away without a word. Whoever had put her up to the joke, he wasn't finding it particularly funny. Even the soft sobs he heard behind him as he climbed the stairs to his room didn't slow him down. Yuzuriha liking him was just... unbelievable. It had to be some sort of trick.

Once he reached his room, he flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, hoping no one else would come along to bother him. He certainly seemed to be in demand today.

Just as he was beginning to relax, a knock sounded on the door. Throwing an arm over his face, he groaned loudly. "Don't come in."

The door swung open anyway, and Kamui heard Sorata's firm footsteps approaching him. "What did you do to Yuzu-chan?" the older boy asked angrily.

Kamui sat up. "Huh? I didn't do anything!"

"She's down there bawling her eyes out, saying something about how you rejected her." Sorata crossed his arms and glared.

"Uh-oh... I thought she was joking," Kamui offered lamely.

"About what? What happened?"

"She told me she had a crush on me. I didn't believe she was serious, so I just walked away."

Sorata snorted. "Oh, smooth move! Really nice, Kamui. No wonder the only romantic attention you get is from a sadistic psychopath with a neck fetish."

"You're not in any position to talk." Kamui smirked at him.

For a moment, a sad expression crossed the monk's face. Then he smiled wryly and chuckled. "I suppose you're right.... I'm really not." He sighed softly. "It's... tough sometimes... loving someone who doesn't love you back..."

Sorata crossed the room and sat down on the bed beside Kamui. "I don't know... maybe you can understand, because of the whole situation with your friend. It's hard having to see her every day and know I can't have her..." He looked up into Kamui's eyes, his expression slightly dreamy. "I just wish there was someone who really understood."

Kamui frowned. Sorata was definitely not acting like himself-- it was more the monk's style to crack a joke about how maybe Arashi hadn't quite come around yet but they'd soon be married, or something along those lines.

Sorata edged closer. "I've always admired you," he said, voice dropping to a whisper. "But you always seem so sad. Maybe... we could help cheer each other up..."

The young bishonen's eyes widened. The lightning master's face was just inches away from Kamui's, his eyes were closed, and he seemed to be leaning in for a kiss. Kamui scrambled backwards about a foot, fell off the side of the bed and landed on his ass on the floor. "Sorata, what the hell are you doing?" he yelled, stumbling to his feet.

Sorata looked hurt. "Dammit, why does everyone react like that? I'm not ugly, I'm charming, I'm a nice guy... does my breath smell or something? Damn!" Still ranting, he stalked out the door and slammed it behind him.

Kamui, breathing hard, stared at the spot that the monk had just vacated in shock. First Yuzu, now Sorata... what was going on here? He knew Keiichi liked him, and of course Fuuma had some sick BDSM fixation on him, but the other two had come totally out of left field-- it was unbelievable.

Shrugging, Kamui opened the door and headed down to the kitchen to get a drink. Maybe they'd all gotten into Kanoe's crack stash (considering she was a crack whore and all). He didn't know, and he didn't particularly care, as long as they left him alone.

He passed the living room and caught a glimpse of Yuzuriha and Sorata on the couch, the young inugami mistress still crying and the Kouyan monk comforting her. That was fine with him. As long as they were concentrating on each other, they weren't tormenting him.

"What's wrong, Kamui? You look kind of down," a female voice commented as he entered the kitchen. Kamui looked up. Karen was sitting at the table, sipping a cup of tea.

"Nothing," he muttered, opening the refrigerator and pulling out a can of soda.

The soapgirl finished her tea and set her mug down on the table, walking over to Kamui. He tensed, almost expecting her to confess her love as well, then laughed at himself. At least Sorata and Yuzu were somewhat near his age. The thought of a mature, adult woman throwing herself at a fifteen-year-old bishonen was even more ridiculous. Even if it was Karen.

Instead, however, she put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a maternal smile. "I know you've been through a lot, Kamui. Just... keep hanging in there, and try to relax. Whatever ends up happening, it'll all be over soon."

Kamui nodded, more out of gratitude that she wasn't attacking him than actual attention to her words.

"You really do need to relax," she said thoughtfully, hand still on his shoulder. "You need something to take your mind off this whole end of the world business..."

Kamui's muscles tensed up as her hand slid off his shoulder, onto his chest. "You're right I do need to relax so maybe I should just go lay down now bye!"

Karen's other arm came up to capture his waist before he could get away. "No... I think I know what you need," she purred, turning him around so he was facing her. "I'm very good at.... relaxation therapy..."

"Karen... stop it! You don't know what you're--"

"Yes... I do..." She gave a predatory smile, pressing him firmly against her.

"But... I thought you liked Aoki-san--"

The older woman laughed slightly. "Oh, I do. But he's married... he'd never show interest in me... and you're so pretty..." As she spoke, her fingers wandered lower and lower on his body, stopping at the waistband of his pants and--

"Karen-san! What are you doing?!?"

Kamui couldn't see who had spoken, because Karen was blocking his view, but he recognized Aoki Seiichirou's voice. He relaxed slightly in the soapgirl's grip, sure that it would all be over soon. Aoki-san would help him figure out what was going on.

Karen spun around, loosening her hold on Kamui. The young teenager quickly moved a few feet away from her while she was distracted. "Aoki-san... I... I was just..."

"You were just hitting on Kamui, weren't you?" The expression on the windmaster's face was stern and disapproving. Kamui relaxed even more. At least he wasn't alone in this madhouse. He barely resisted the urge to run and hide behind the older man.

"Well... I..."

"How could you, Karen-san?" Aoki's voice had taken on a sorrowful tone. "You knew how I felt, and still you... you... How could you betray me like this?"

"I'm sorry..." Karen cast her eyes to the ground, looking ashamed. Kamui frowned, deciding that the two probably wanted to be left alone, and started to edge subtly out the door. He had almost made it when Aoki's arm shot out and grabbed hold of him. He looked up into soft, concerned hazel eyes.

"I'm sorry, Kamui. I don't know what Karen-san was thinking. I don't understand how she could do something like this, knowing how I feel about you..."

"Don't worry," Kamui replied distractedly, "talk to her and maybe the two of you will work it ou--" He stopped suddenly, face draining of all color. "Wait. How you feel about me?"

The windmaster nodded, still staring into Kamui's eyes. "I've been watching you ever since we met, and, well..." He blushed. "I think you're absolutely beautiful... Now, I understand society would frown upon this, since I'm married, and you're underage... but I really think we could have a wonderful relationship--"

Aoki kept talking, but Kamui was no longer listening. Panicked, he looked back and forth between the two oldest Seals, then shook himself free of Aoki's hand with a strength he didn't even know he possessed and shot out of the room like a cannonball.

Once he had gotten far enough away, Kamui leaned against the wall, panting, and tried to think of a course of action. Obviously something was seriously wrong with his teammates-- namely, all of them seemed to suddenly have a burning, desperate need to get into his pants. It had been bad enough when it was just Fuuma and Keiichi....

Suddenly a brilliant thought entered Kamui's mind. If anyone had managed to escape the madness that seemed to have overtaken everyone, it would probably be because they were so singleminded that they couldn't even entertain thoughts of going after anyone else. Someone so obsessively angsty that thoughts of their loved one took over their mind every second of every day.

Decisively he made his way to Sumeragi Subaru's room.

* * * * *

Kamui knocked on the third door on the right. "Subaru?"

"Kamui! There you are! I've been looking all over-- I wanted to give you this and ask you something--"

Kamui slammed the door. Alright, so that hadn't been Subaru's room. It had been Arashi's, and she had come to the door holding a big box of chocolates, with a lovesick expression on her face. That wasn't too freaky. Really, it wasn't.

He took a deep breath and tried to clear his mind. Maybe it was the third door on the left...

"Subaru? Subaru, are you there? I really need to talk to you..." Kamui paused. "It's really, really urgent..."

A few rustling noises, a deep sigh, and footsteps were heard from behind the door. A moment later, it opened, revealing a rumpled and rather grumpy-looking onmyouji. "What is it, Kamui?" he asked in his usual soft, somewhat monotone voice.

"Everyone else has gone crazy," Kamui blurted. "Yuzuriha said she had a crush on me, Sorata tried to kiss me, Karen attempted to molest me and Aoki confessed his love for me..." The boy barely choked back a sob. "I don't know what's going on! I thought maybe you might not be affected, because... you know... the whole Sakurazukamori thing..."

"Speak of the devil," a deep, smooth voice murmured from behind Subaru. Slowly, a tall, dark and handsome man came into view, wrapping his arms around Subaru's waist and smirking at Kamui.

"You... you..."

"Me." Sakurazuka Seishirou's smirk deepened. "Nice to see you again, Kamui. But... I'm afraid you interrupted a rather... important... meeting... between your teammate and me. Perhaps your business with Subaru-kun could wait a few moments--"

"NO!" Kamui yelled, sounding just a little bit like a spoiled child. "I want to know what's going on right now, and you two are the only ones who haven't jumped on me the moment you saw me, so you're going to help me!"

Seishirou and Subaru exchanged glances, seeming to speak to each other with their eyes. Then Seishirou shrugged. "You're right, we do need a bit of excitement... What do you say, Kamui, are you up for a threesome?"

Subaru smiled-- a rare event in and of itself, and this was a rather sly, predatory smile at that-- and reached out to take Kamui's arm. He was a moment too late, because the younger boy had already run screaming down the hallway.

* * * * *

Kamui was on the run. And he was running out of places to go.

After his attempt to enlist Subaru's assistance had failed, he had remembered Hinoto, figuring that a blind, deaf and paralyzed dreamgazer would really have no reason to go after him romantically. That plan had backfired on him as well, since the dreaming princess ended up bombarding him with telepathic flirtations until he'd managed to escape. Even worse, her sister Kanoe had been there... Kamui shuddered, for once thanking fate that he had been born with a small build and the ability to run fast. The woman was probably able to transmit STDs by simply looking at a person, let alone touching them.

Now he was down to the last card in his hand. The Dragons of Earth had to be involved in this whole fiasco somehow. If he could only find their hideout, maybe he'd be able to get to the bottom of the situation.

But the Dragons of Heaven had been searching for the Angels' hideout ever since the whole apocalyptic mess had begun, and they'd had no luck whatsoever. Kamui ducked into an alley to rest for a moment. He leaned against the wall and sighed softly, realizing there was no way he was going to find the Dragons of Earth before one of his teammates found him and had his or her wicked way with him.

He then began musing about which Seal it would be least painful to end up sleeping with, and was only interrupted from this deep, intellectual train of thought by a sudden glimpse of a sign out of the corner of his eye. Spelled out in big letters above a side door in the alley were the words:

TOP SECRET HIDEOUT OF THE DRAGONS OF EARTH

(no pansy DoH allowed!)

Oh, look. A plot device, Kamui thought gratefully, and hurried over to the door. Slipping silently inside, he lurked in the doorway and listened for a moment.

"Listen, you creepy anti-social computer nerd, you don't deserve him! I'm sensitive. I'll listen to him and cater to his needs. You'd probably spend five minutes with him and go back to your precious BEAST!"

"You're both wrong. He doesn't need a sociopathic cyber-chick OR an overmuscled tree hugger. What he needs is someone charming and handsome... someone who can make him forget all the pain he's been through. Someone like me."

"Shut up, water boy! I've known him since we were little children! And I know his Wish. Oh yeah, I know what he likes."

"Daddy... I want to play with him too! Please? I'd be careful with him and I promise I wouldn't break him... not until you told me to, anyway...."

Kamui nearly passed out. They were talking about him. So it wasn't a plot cooked up by the Angels. Maybe everyone in the world was after him. Maybe it was pheromones, maybe it was the phases of the moon, or maybe it was just plain mass psychosis. Either way, he had to get out of there before someone noticed him--

"KAMUI!" Six voices rose in unison, and the sound of pounding footsteps filled the air. Just as they reached him, the door flew open and the rest of the Dragons of Heaven poured in.

Now it was a faceoff, six against six, with Kamui trapped helplessly in the middle.

"He's ours," Fuuma said with an evil smirk. "He came to us, not to you."

"He's on our team," Yuzuriha shot back. "We get first dibs."

"I don't think so, little girl," Kusanagi snarled. "Ours."

"Ours."

"OURS!"

Aoki turned to Karen. "Hey... we found their hideout."

"We did, didn't we?" The Dragons of Heaven paused for a moment, looked around, then shrugged and went back to fighting over Kamui.

"Ours!"

"Ours!"

"STOP!"

The room fell silent, and everyone stared at Kamui.

"Will you all just stop fighting over me!" the young bishonen yelled, anger coloring his cheeks.

The rest of the Dragons all looked rather ashamed.

"You're right," Satsuki said finally. "It's kind of silly."

"Yeah, we should stop," Karen agreed.

There was a moment of silence. Finally Yuuto spoke up.

"Orgy?"

Everyone cheered. Kamui had only a second to be terrified before twelve people descended on him all at once.

* * * * *

"Goooooooood morning Tokyo! It's a lovely day outside, atop the Tokyo Tower you can see for miles around--"

Kamui rolled over and sent a crackling bolt of energy toward the alarm clock. It blew up. A moment later, he sat up and blinked blearily.

And screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Kamui! Kamui, what is it?" Yuzuriha was the first to reach him, followed by Sorata, Karen, Aoki, Arashi, and Subaru.

"No. No. You... You get away from me." Kamui was huddled up in the corner of his bed farthest from the door, blankets pulled around him like a protective shield.

"Kamui... what's wrong?" Yuzuriha frowned and took a step toward him.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" The air around Kamui crackled with energy, and everyone backed up a few steps.

"It's just us," Karen said gently. "Your friends. Remember?"

"Oh, I remember, all right," Kamui muttered, deathglaring at the older woman. "I remember YOU trying to MOLEST me yesterday!"

Karen frowned in shock, as everyone else gave her confused and/or suspicious looks. "Why would I try to molest you? You're underage. Besides, no offense or anything, but you're not my type."

Kamui gave an almost hysterical laugh. "Oh, I'm everyone's type. They're all after me. All of you, all of the Angels, the dreamgazers... Keiichi... Fuuma... I'm surprised Kotori's head didn't return to get in on some of the action!"

There was a long silence, in which Kamui continued gazing manically around the room and huddling up tighter in the corner, and everyone else sweatdropped massively.

"Er... perhaps you should get some rest," Aoki suggested finally.

"You're just waiting for me to fall asleep so you can have your way with me, Mr. wonderful relationship'!" Kamui yelled, causing Aoki to turn about fifty shades of red and take on a rather clueless expression (oh, wait, he always looks like that).

"O-kaaaay. We'll leave you alone now," Sorata muttered, managing to drag the rest of the Seals out of the room. Subaru went back in for a moment, a barely coherent shout mentioning something about a threesome was heard, and the onmyouji came back out looking rather pale.

"... Anyone know a good psychiatrist?" Arashi said a moment later.

Sorata snorted. "Let's see... an emotionally repressed ice queen, a tormented young man with a death wish, a little girl with an ice cream fixation and a thing for much older guys, a married man with a crush on a soapgirl, and... well, a soapgirl. Do you think any of us know a good psychiatrist?"

"What about you?" Arashi shot him an icy glare.

"There's nothing wrong with me." Sorata grinned, and was promptly smacked upside the head.

"He'll be fine," Karen said. "I'm sure he just needs some rest."

"Just out of curiosity..." Aoki coughed, "did any of you try to molest him?"

"No!" five voices chorused.

"Just checking."

* * * * *

Elsewhere in the city, a lone redhead in a green coat was walking the streets, chuckling to himself. Suddenly, a tall dark-haired man in a cream-colored suit materialized in front of him, glaring fiercely.

"I knew I'd find you here. How many times do I have to tell you to stop universe-hopping? It's dangerous! If you get caught--"

"Oh, loosen up." The redhead smirked and gestured around him. "It's nice here. Plenty of angsty thoughts to feast upon. And bish-- did I mention the bish?"

The dark-haired man sighed heavily. "You've traumatized that poor boy for life, you know. He's never going to be the same."

"He needed a little fun. Needed to loosen up, just like you do..." The redhead pulled the other man in for a rough, bruising kiss.

When they finally parted, the other man closed his eyes and sighed again. "Why can't you ever settle for fucking with local minds? Come on, let's go home."

Simultaneously, they both disappeared.

* * * * *

The next day:

Kamui was trudging down the sidewalk on his way to CLAMP Campus for classes. He was nearly recovered from his horrible shock, although there was still a nervous, fragile air about him, as if he were expecting to be leapt upon and ravaged at any moment.

"Shirou-kun!"

Kamui groaned aloud. Keiichi was about the last person he wanted to see right now.

"Kamuiiii...."

No. Fuuma was, he decided upon hearing the dark, low voice calling his name. But Keiichi was a close second. And they were both headed straight for him.

"Shirou-kun, I was wondering if I could walk you to class--"

"Kamui... you promised..."

Kamui stood still, closed his eyes, and said nothing.

"Who are you, and why are you looking at Shirou-kun like that?"

"None of your business, genki boy. Go skip around in a flower garden or something."

"Hey! You're not very nice-- and I don't think Kamui appreciates you touching him there!"

"If Kamui had a problem with it, he would tell me. And I would ignore him, but the point is... he would tell me. And he's not saying a word."

"Well, I'm going to walk him to class, so you just... butt out!"

"Oooh, scary. Well, Kamui promised me I could molest him today... it's been five whole days now. And he promised."

Kamui took a deep breath, counted to ten, waited until the two boys were definitely distracted by arguing with each other, and took off like a shot. When he looked behind him, both Fuuma and Keiichi were hot on his heels.

Some things never changed.

THE END