Disclaimer: I don't own Draco, JKR does.
Warning: extremely melancholy with insinuated slash
A/N: it's all Rubicon's fault I posted this. It's just a bit of really
melancholy Draco. I'm not really sure… I think it's just been an odd kind of
day…
Unforgivable
I've tried everything.
I've tried drinking endless amounts of alcohol, popping excesses of pills,
smoking pack after pack of cigarettes, ingesting pounds of marijuana, and I've even
tried just living without the aid of such vices. Sobriety means about as much
to me as the altered states the aforementioned substances induce. It's all a
cheap attempt either to love living or speed up dying. Any more, I'm not really
sure which I would want more. As Henry Miller once said, "The aim of life is to
live; to live means to be aware; joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely
aware." Charming in its simplicity, isn't it? Too bad it doesn't really ring
true. I've never had to try to be aware, if anything, all I've ever tried to do
was be unaware. Life is so much less painful when you've got no idea how sick
and tired and ugly it can be. Some say it is better to have loved and lost than
never to have loved at all, but I think that's a great load of rubbish. I've
loved and I've lost and I wish that I had no idea what it was like to feel such
intense euphoria. I often ask myself whether I wouldn't be happier just being
miserable. So I tried that too. I've seen a lot of things in my time, though I think
it is more what you take from what happens to you than what actually happens to
you. Having grown up in an extremely well-to-do family, I could tell you what
it's like to have no worries about mundane little things. Then I've gone to the
third world and lived with people whose main concerns are finding enough money
to buy enough food to feed their children. Sometimes the excesses of myself and
those around me makes me ill, and others all I can do is take it that those are
the cards I've been dealt in the grand cosmic poker game of life. God only
knows that I didn't choose to be born into the situation I was born into. I
would give it all to be someone else, even just for one day. Or be someone
totally anonymous, someone who everyone might view as an equal without having
any pre-conceived notions about me. That's it, actually. All I want is for no
one to have any pre-conceptions about me. But that can never be, as Lucius has
made damn sure that any and everyone I come into contact with knows that I am his possession. Perhaps I might not be
so disturbed by this and just accept it with the same measure of resignation as
I have forced myself into accepting everything else in my life, but why does he
have to demonstrate it to me? Doesn't he know that I already know I'm his?
Unfortunately, none of the petty little consciousness- altering substances I've
introduced into my bloodstream could ever take that away. Try as I might, I
will never be able to overcome what he's done to me and the one I love. The
spineless motherfucker stole me from Harry's bed and put me into his own. Harry
never knew this. Poor creature. How I miss you, Harry. Life just isn't right
without you. Voldemort's taken the world, it is his now. I can't help but
wonder what it might have been like if I had taken the initiative to grow a
spine myself. Perhaps you might even now be sharing my bed with me. choked sobs I'm so sorry, Harry, I'm
just so sorry. I never meant for it to turn out like this. more choked sobs If I could take it all back, I would do it in a
heartbeat. Less than a heartbeat. Just for you. Anything for you, everything
for you. I know I deserve all the
pain and misery I'm feeling for what I did. I would love to just be able to
snuff it, to let it all go away. But if I did that it just wouldn't be right.
Would it? It seems so easy, you know, but it's not. I've tried time and again,
but there's something somewhere that just won't let it happen. The world has
suffered enough at my hands. Perhaps I just need to get serious about it. All
right then. I'll get serious about it. Fuck all those petty little drugs. This
time I'm going for the gold, my love. Please forgive me, I never meant you any
harm.
