Jaina's Journal_Entry_7:
Dreams

By obi's girl

Summary: This is a turning point fic. I won't say how except it will have a surprise at the end, that will be totally unexpected.

Regretfully, I haven't been able to spend time with Jag these few weeks. Our duties kept us apart. He spent time in the simulator, perfecting assault plans against the Vong while, I, on the other hand spent more and more time in combat. It seemed like every second, the Vong was attacking some helpless planet just to annoy us, and me.

I saw Jag on a couple occasions but was never able to talk, except exchange glances and smiles. It tolls on both of us, tired and irritated. A never-ending spiral. Thankfully, today the Vong decided to give us a break to attack so I was able to unwind a bit.

Gavin was just dismissing us when the Baron called me back to talk. He smiled at me briefly, and surprisingly with that smile, I saw Jag. And something else. It came through loud and clear. They hadn't been talking since the Baron came to Coruscant.

"Is there something I can do for you, Baron?" I asked.

He shrugged, leaning back, "I know things have been busy lately, but have you talked to Jag by any chance?"

I frowned, nodding, "I haven't been able to. Duty calls. He's pretty much spending his time in the simulator. It's almost like his home."

The Baron nodded, stepping foreword, "Officer Solo, I know it's not my place to say anything but are you and my son involved?" My frown deepened. "It just seemed like you were when I came here; the way the two of you acted around each other."

I was about to reply but he stopped me. "If you have the chance, talk to him. He won't talk to me; he's stubborn like that. But with you, he's different - open."

I nodded, glancing at him. "I'll try to talk to him, Baron."

**

I finally caught up with Jag as he was exiting the simulator, a data pad in hand. Though it had been weeks we were apart, he still looked the same, except for his face. He seemed saddened, lost. I know, I felt his pain - it was the same pain his father exhibited which made me wander what was going on between the two. Jag saw me and looked away, handing the data pad to another officer as I confronted him.

"What are you doing here? Don't you have an assignment?" he asked, scowling.

I shrugged, nodding to the simulator. "The Vong haven't been attack lately, which gives us a break. There are patrols but I'm not on them." I huffed, smiling partly at him. "The simulations any better?"

"They're okay. Targeting could use some work..." Jag gazed at me, nodding, "You came down here for another reason. What is it, Sticks?"

I looked down, fidgeting. "Your father; he was worried about you. He said you've been avoiding him." If there were one thing to put even more strain on the way things were going, this would be it (besides my recent encounter with Zekk). "What's going on Jag? You position yourself away from people, spending odd hours in this place..."

"Jaina, don't worry about it. It's my problem, not yours. And he shouldn't have asked you about what I was up to. The last thing I need is for you to be caught in the middle of this."

I laughed, shocking him, "In the middle of what, Jag?! What's going on?" Tensions had risen between us before when Zekk came back but this, whatever he was hiding was tearing us further and further apart. He said it wasn't my problem but this is my problem if this was the consequence. "Jag, talk to me, please. Tell me what's going on." He walked over and kissed my forehead, holding me close for his own comfort. At least, it was a peaceful gesture. I couldn't stand fighting anymore; it sickened me.

"Remember, when I told you I loved you? I asked you if Zekk meant anything to you and you said he didn't."

I backed away, unsure where this was going. Was he still hung over Zekk and I? Our past together? I nodded yes, inviting him on. He smiled, kissing me again though it was strained. "Sticks, there's something I have to tell you. It's about my dad and I...I'm just sorry I kept it in this long."

We sat down on some crates to talk. I held his hand, unwilling to let it go if I had to. I didn't want to lose him. He was the first guy in a long time that I really cared about. And if I could salvage whatever possible of this relationship, it had to be now. Things were already falling apart around us. I didn't want the same thing to happen to us. "Jag, what is it? What's going on?"

"Jaina, before I came to Coruscant - my father and I had a fight about the war. He wanted to keep the Chiss out of it but I thought differently. I wanted to help; I wanted to take the fleet and offer assistance to the Republic but he was strongly against it. One night, we had our worst fight, spewing harsh words at each other - it left us void of each other. Even my mother cried because things had become so harsh."

"I stole the fleet, saying my dad wanted me to go to Coruscant and assist the Republic. Only, months after he found out, he came here to retrieve me, bring me back to Chiss and the fleet."

I frowned, removing my hand from his, horrified a force more terrible than the Vong would take Jag away from me. I just found Jag, and now I was going to lose him without say. It wasn't fair, and the Baron, how could he do this? Jag and I were so happy. We loved each other and he wanted to take that away from us! I broke down in tears, speechless for words as my head fell on his shoulder. Jag cried himself, holding me tight. "Ssssh. He isn't going to take me away from you, I promise. I'll fight this, for us. I won't let you go."

"You might not have a choice." I cried, "He's your father. You have to obey him."

He scowled, gritting his teeth, "I don't have to do anything. He can't do this! I'm not a boy anymore; he can't control my life." Jag paused, kissing my forehead again, "I won't allow him to destroy us. Jaina, you're the one positive thing in my life. You're my future."

I froze, facing him, wiping away my tears. "Jag, I love you too but I can't come between you and your father. I refuse to be the third guy; the third guy that loses."

"You won't be. Jaina, I never felt at home on Chiss. But here, I can see myself settling down and starting a life with you."

I stopped him, placing a finger on his lips, "...but what about your father? Jag, I don't want to be a problem. Family, it's the only thing that keeps us together. Without them to lean back on, you have nothing. Talk to him; try to work this out. Compromise."

He laughed, standing up, pacing about. Jag ran a hand through his black hair, somewhat comprehending my words. "I don't want to work things out. What was said back there...It can't be taken back."

"Maybe not, but the way things are...I don't want to risk any more pain. I've been through pain and it stung my heart so coldly, I couldn't stand it."

Jag's eyebrow's furrowed, facing me, crossing his arms. And I knew why. Zekk. I had inadvertently told him about what happened between Zekk and I. I didn't mean to; it just came out but I guess better now than later. "I thought you said nothing happened between you two?"

I growled, pushing my hair back. How much I wished at that moment to erase the past. Zekk had hurt me badly, leaving me like that without saying goodbye. Now, I've lost Jag. I know I have. "Jag, listen to me - Zekk and I, it was a long time ago. We were close..."

"You loved him?"

Sithspawn, why is this happening? Everything was so good between us. Why? I don't need any more pain. I've been through pain; it's still a dark memory in my mind but I remember what it was like. "Jag, we were - he was special to me, yes but I didn't love him. I felt an attraction but it wasn't love." I took his hand and kissed it, "but this is love. I love you."

He shrugged, "It still doesn't erase what was, Sticks."

Force why is this happening? Jag, I love him so much and he's condemning me for a past love. It wasn't fair. Everything that happened between us, shared moments seemed to slip away. Everything that was good, suddenly felt like Hell. "The past is finished, Jag. My past, your past - it's something we can't erase. We can't erase it because it makes us who we are. Without it, we would have no future. Jag, please, don't condemn me because I found happiness with someone else before you came along. I didn't even know you existed, and the same with you."

"How can you tell me, just a few days ago you love you, and then punish me for a past that has recently come back to haunt me?"

Jag touched his forehead to mine and sighed, "I'm sorry, Sticks. It's just - my father, the Vong, my responsibility to lead, it's taking a toll on me and it's driving me crazy. This job is driving me crazy." He paused, kissing me. "It's not your fault. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories..."

I smiled hopefully, hugging him. "I know and I understand. It's driving me crazy, too." I kissed him, tears stinging my eyes. "Just promise me you'll talk to him. You need to work this out, and no arguments."

He laughed, kissing my nose. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Sticks. Thank you."

"I know we all have a lot to deal with, but family is the one driving force that keeps us sane. But if you keep this problem between you bottled up inside, it will only get worse and when you decide to fix it, it might not be fixable." I paused, brushing away his bangs and smiled. "Did you mean what you said before? That I'm you're future?"

Jag smiled, kissing me passionately. "I wouldn't have it any other way." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring, causing me to worry a bit. "If we get through this war, would you do me the honor of marrying me?"

I froze a ghastly expression my face.

TBC