This...is a fanfic.
Now that we've cleared that up, we can start disclaiming things.
Final Fantasy VIII and all situations, characters, and other aspects relating
to the game are property of Squaresoft. This fanfic is property of me, Anna,
AKA Freddy the Magical Elf. Sueing me would be silly, so please don't; This
is all in the name of fun.
This fic is dedicated to the Squall_Leonheart_FF8 fanfiction list, because
that's what I wrote it for. Hi, y'all!
WARNING: This fanfic contains swearing, sexual innuendo, rampant Irvine-is-
gay jokes, weed, Laguna fangirl gushing, frilly underpanties, and Quistis' whip
being referred to as "kinky".
Sounds like fun, eh?
A TOTAL BASTARD PRODUCTION
SELPHIE TILMETT AND THE QUEST FOR SQUALL'S SEXY PANTS
PART ONE: Pointless Drivel
One day Selphie was merrily skipping about Balamb Garden and falling
over when she noticed that Squall was not moping around the hallways. This was
strange, even stranger than the time Zell got drunk and made love to the Zip
drive of one of the library's computers. Even stranger than the time Quistis
took up alchemy and attempted to make gold out of the hot dogs. (Which Zell
promptly ate.)
It was still not as strange as Irvine, but that was okay.
So Selphie hummed a little tune and kept skipping. Selphie liked
skipping. She was an excellent skipper. Sometimes she called Irvine "Little
Buddy", but that was a different kind of skipper altogether. Selphie was an
easily confused young lady.
She came upon Seifer smoking weed with Fujin and Raijin in the parking
lot. Selphie stopped in a cute manner, cocked her head in a cute manner, and
squinted up her eyes in a manner that was, unfortunately, Rinoa-like.
"What's up, funky American homeboys?" she asked.
"Duuuuuude..." Seifer drawled. "Yer all waaaaaavvvvyyyyyy..."
Raijin giggled.
"Are you guys stoned?" Selphie asked innocently.
"Uhhhh...I dunno." Seifer answered her. Raijin giggled again.
"REEFER!" Fujin said.
This time everyone giggled. Seifer held the joint out to Fujin, who
accepted it and toked. "Whoooaaa...heyyyy...Selphie, when did you get here?"
"Ooookay...booyaka?" Selphie responded cautiously.
Raijin giggled again.
"SHUT UP!" Fujin kicked Raijin in the balls and he fell over a car.
"Dude." Seifer said.
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! Ya know?" Raijin
said, blinking at the concrete that was a mere two inches from his eyes.
"DUDE!" Fujin said.
"Okay, potheads are a drag, no pun intended. I'm outta here!" And
Selphie skipped away. In the distance, she heard Fujin say "BONG!".
Selphie skipped around in a totally random pattern until she came to
the dormitories. Irvine was slouching around in front of them. "Heeeey thar,
Sefie." he said, and tipped his hat to her. The gaggle of crazed groupies in
front of him sighed.
"You are soooooooooooo suave, Irvine..." one of them sighed.
"Why thanks honey, I'm shore...say...do y'all have enny bruthers?"
Everyone giggled again. Irvine looked a bit confused.
"HEY! EVERYONE GO AWAY!" Selphie hollered. They did.
"Thanks!" Irvine said, looking around furtively and ducking into an
empty dorm room. Selphie followed. "Damn, all them women shore do like me!"
"It's pretty odd, seeing as how you're..." Selphie stopped and tried
to think of a tactful way to say this. "You're...ummmm...awfully festive."
Irvine looked pleased. "Why, thank yew kindly!" he purred, smoothing
his suede vest down. "Ah do have good taste, huh?"
"Umm...errr...no, I mean...uhhh...you're...ohh, the hell with it."
Selphie gave up. "So, have you seen Squall?"
"Ah reckon he's in his dorm right 'bout now." Irvine responded. "Hey,
Sefie, whatcha doing tonight?"
"Nothin', why?"
"I thought maybe we could go out to dinner...see a movie..."
Selphie's eyes turned to big ol' anime-style hearts. "Oh, Irvine,
that's so romantic..."
"...go shoppin'....pick up the new Barbara Streisand CD...get
makeovers..."
Selphie sighed. Oh well, good enough. "Okay, Irvine. See ya around
eight." And Selphie walked down the hall to Squall's room.
The door was closed. Selphie pondered this metaphor, then slowly
opened it...
PART 2: PRETENTIOUS PONTIFICATION PREVENTS PANTS RELOCATION!
Selphie skipped around in a circle, waiting impatiently for Squall to
answer the door. Idly, she wondered if he was perhaps balling Rinoa in the
closet, and debated taking pictures.
"HEYYYYYYY! SQUAAAAALLLLL! OPEN UP!" she screamed into the keyhole. Or
tried to, anyways, before she realized the door had no keyhole.
Inside the room, Squall was in a panic. Sweat ran down his thighs in
rivers. His teeth were chattering. His eyeballs rolled wildly. On any other
occasion, he would have blamed it on the cafeteria hot dogs, but this time he
knew what the problem was.
He heard Selphie's cheery, slightly maniacal voice coming from outside
the room.
Could he tell her...? He had to.
With a sigh, Squall slipped off his bed and opened the door just a
tiny crack, leaving the chain lock on. 'BE QUIET!" he hissed at her.
"HOWDY THERE! WHY?" Selphie shouted at the top of her lungs.
"I have a secret." Squall said in a strained whisper. 'And I need your
help."
"OKAY!"
And with that, Squall threw open the door and dragged Selphie inside,
locking it before she could even guess what was going on.
The room was dark, completely dark. Selphie shivered. Was it cold in
here? She could see little else besides the faint red glow of a digital alarm
clock and it's reflected glitter in Squall's blue eyes.
"Uh, dude, can we turn on the lights?"
"No."
"Well, then how am I supposed to help you with your problem?"
"...."
Selphie, luckily, always kept six or so glow sticks on hand. Unluckily,
she forgot this, so instead she merely flicked on the lights and stood
blinking, trying to clear her eyes.
Then she saw Squall.
Her eyes widened in shock.
And she began to laugh hysterically.
Squall stood in the center of the room, looking very uncomfortable. He
was wearing his customary jacket, white shirt, and belts...and nothing else,
save for a pair of bright yellow boxers with: "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" written on
them in neon-green puff paints.
PART 3: SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE HIM BE CLOTHED!
"Call me Shrinkey-Dink and you DIE!"
Selphie just pointed and laughed.
About twenty minutes later, when she could breathe again, Selphie
asked, "What happened?"
"..."
"Squall...?"
"Sorry, I forgot to talk. Ummm...well...I invited Rinoa over so that I
could stare at the wall and she could look at shiny paperclips and drool, when
all of a sudden the bitch throws me down on the bed, pantses me, and runs off!"
"Sounds like fun."
"Well, it would have been, if all my other pants weren't at the
cleaners." Squall groused.
"SO...whaddaya want me to do, anyways?" Selphie twirled her hair
around her finger and tried to look like she cared. Which she did, actually,
she just had trouble expressing it.
"Get them back."
"Yeah, the hell I will!" Selphie jeered him. "Nice undies, by the way!"
"I'll pay you."
This stopped her. "How much?"
"I'll...pay for any train ride you go on, ever." Squall gulped; that would
be quite a bill. But he wanted his goddamn pants!
"WHOOHOO! BOOYAKA!" Selphie cried. "Never fear, Squall, Selphie's here!"
And with that she dashed out.
Had Squall been pithy or witty, he would have made a comment about why
that WOULD inspire fear in him. But being Squall, he just glared.
Selphie ran out to where Irvine was still standing and grabbed his nail
polish away to get his attention. "Irvine! I need you for the Ass-Covering-
Recovery Task Force!"
"You...huh?" Irvine asked, confused, as he snatched the polish back and
continued making his pinkies purple.
"Rinoa the Idiot Slut stole Squall's pants, and he hired me to get 'em
back!" Selphie huffed.
"So what's in it for me?" Irvine asked, disgruntled as a postal worker.
Selphie thought for a minute. "A lifetime supply of hair conditioner
and gay porn out the wazoo." she offered.
"Shucks! I'll take it! YEE-HAW!" Irvine yelled. "Hey, let's go find us
some more peoples!"
"Okay!" Selphie said, grabbing Irvine's hand. Normally he would have
screamed like a little girl at the smearing of his pretty nail polish job, but
he was too entranced by Selphie's proposition to do so.
They skipped merrily into the classroom where Quistis was sitting,
calmly and precisely smearing exactly one tablespoon of mayonnaise on each
slice of perfectly square whole-wheat bread.
"Blecch!" Selphie yelled.
Quistis looked up. "Oh, hello, Selphie and Irvine. Is it not a lovely
day? Headmaster Cid has given me the opportunity to redeem myself as a teacher
by preparing lunch for him." The blond gestured to a veritable mountain of
similar bread slices stacked next to her desk.
"Bread and mayonnaise? Aincha gonna put nothin' else on?" Irvine asked
in disgust.
"But of course. After I have finished with the mayonnaise, I will go
through and add exactly one lettuce slice. And after I have finished with the
lettuce, I will go through and add exactly one turkey slice. And after I have
finished with the turkey, I will go through and add exactly one tomato slice.
And after I have finished with the tomato, I will go through and add exactly
one ham slice. And after I have finished with the ham, I will go through and
add exactly one tablespoon of mustard. And after I have finished with the
mustard, I will add exactly one plain slice of bread to each. And after I
have added the extra bread, I will stick exactly one olive in the top of each,
and place each on a perfectly round bone china plate with exactly two point
six fresh Kosher dills pickles beside it."
Selphie and Irvine blinked.
"Umm...okay. Anyways, would you like to help us on our quest?" Selphie
asked cautiously.
"What is your quest?"
"We gotta find Squall's pants." Irvine said. "And my favorite color is
pink, so doncha bother askin'."
"Very well. Is there any sort of monetary compensation for this deed?"
Quistis asked.
"Sure..." Selphie thought for a second. "Squall will make Headmaster
Cid fresh sandwiches whenever he wants and say that YOU made them! Forever!"
Quistis's eyes lit up like two eyes lighting up in her head. "Lovely!
I shall join you!" she announced as she grabbed her kinky S&M whip.
So then Selphie skipped, Irvine pranced, and Quistis plodded down to
the cafeteria, where they convinced Zell by promising him an everlasting
supply of hot dogs at Squall's expense. Zell was so overjoyed that he put a
sixty-second pause between "OH" and "YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!".
Now they skipped, pranced, plodded, and shadowboxed their way to the
parking lot and hopped into a car. Selphie drove, Irvine rode shotgun ((BAD
PUN!)), and Quistis sat neatly in the backseat. They tied Zell behind the car
so that he could run and maybe work off some of that extra energy.
"Next stop...Esthar! We gotta get Sir Laguna!" Selphie announced.
PART 4: I WANNA EAT A BURRITO OFF OF LAGUNA'S ASS--
OH SHIT, DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?!
Laguna Loire, mayor of Esthar, slept in little girls' panties.
Every night when Laguna went to bed, Kiros snuck into his room and
quietly took off his old friend's pajama bottoms. Since Laguna slept like a
dead deaf guy with earplugs on an overdose of Seconal, this was not really a
problem for Kiros.
Then, quiet as a...seagull...Kiros would retrive a pair of sparkly,
frilly, lacy underpants and slip them onto Laguna's firm, toned, sensual,
creamy-white, silky, soft legs and fabulous ass.
Upon awakening every morning, Laguna removed then in a ritualistic
manner.
"GODDAMN FANGIRLS!" he would roar, ripping the undies off with his
bare hands and throwing them at the door. Then he would stomp off, naked from
the waist down and in a huff, to the shower, while Kiros giggled and hugged
his Britney Spears doll in the next room.
Today was no exception.
Selphie, Irvine, Quistis, and Zell were having Dr. Pepper, a champagne
cocktail, flat lukewarm water, and beer, respectively, in the living room
while Ward entertained them.
"...." said Ward.
Everyone laughed hysterically, Zell spraying beer out his nose like a
fire hydrant.
"Damn! You shore are a card, Ward!" Irvine said, daintily sipping his
drink.
Kiros walked in wearing a VERY skimpy half-shirt and pair of bright
blue short-shorts. He shyly put one hand behind his head and batted his eyes
at Irvine. "Well, hel-LO!" he purred.
Irvine blushed like a nun on a gay nude beach and quickly downed the
rest of his drink. "Hey, Kiros." he mumbled into the empty glass.
"Hi!" Selphie chirped. "Is Sir Laguna ready yet?"
Kiros cocked his head. A muffled shout was heard, then a faint *THUMP*,
then the shower. "Fifteen more minutes."
And sure enough, fifteen minutes later, Laguna arrived in his regular
outfit with his hair a stringy wet mess, scowling as well as he could.
A Laguna scowl is somewhat the equivalent of a stoned grin, but not as
mellow.
His grin became real when he saw everyone. "HI!" he said.
Selphie made a decisive gesture with her fists, as all Selphies do,
and said, 'Sirrrrrrrr LAGUNA! We need your help! Rinoa has made off with
Squall's sexiest of tight leather pants and we need you to help us find her!"
Laguna looked at her for a second, then grinned dopily. "I like pie."
he announced proudly.
Oh right. Laguna grinned like a stoned guy because he WAS stoned, as,
unbeknownst to him, a couple of Esthar's teenaged hellions flushed their supply
of pot down the toilet and it was somehow bypassed from the sewer system to
Laguna's shower.
Someone had been playing such tricks on the Mayor for a while. Some
said it was members of a Sorceress cult, out for revenge. Others said it was
international terrorists.
Still others said that Esthar had a really lousy sewer system, but it
still didn't explain why bad stuff happened to poor Laguna all the time.
Kiros explained the problems they'd been having while Laguna hummed
"The Wall" and drummed on Ward's bald head.
"That is not a favorable course of action." Quistis said in disapproval.
Zell was buzzed, and got up to shadowbox at about 70 MPH, or, since
this is a FF game, 10393938 KMPH, or whatever it is in the metric system.
"So I doubt anyone's going to be able to help you." sighed Kiros.
PART 5: POOKIE BEAR AND SQUISHY-POO
After Laguna's rejection, the Balamb Garden group was quite downhearted
indeed. Even Selphie seemed less Ritalin-deprived than usual.
"Look, you guys, even though I can't come with you, I'll still be your
cheerleader!" Laguna said suddenly.
Everyone except Zell and Ward got a yummalicious image of Laguna
jumping up in a pleated miniskirt in their heads, giggled, then looked away.
"I believe he meant that he supports us, not that he would *ahem*
actually put on minishorts and bend over." Quistis said dryly.
"Why Quistis how could you think such thoughts you dirty perverted
slut I can't believe you how awful I feel dirty myself now you ought to be
ashamed." Selphie said in a complete monotone without blinking.
Kiros giggled like a sailor-suited schoolgirl.
"Well, I gotta go rule a town full of nuclear warheads and stuff now.
But it was nice seeing you all again! Bye bye!" And with that, Laguna dashed
out of the room.
"Well, shee-oot!" Irvine said. "What the heck'r we gonna do now, Sefie?"
Selphie thought. She thought for a long long time.
"Go to the mall?" she asked.
"Besides that, dude!" Zell said.
"Ohhhh..." Selphie was crestfallen. That was all she could think about.
"You know, I'm not a super-straight tightlaced prune-faced prude!'
Quistis said suddenly. "I, too, have creative desires and burnings in my mortal
loins!" She stood up. "I feel the need to CREATE!"
"You made sandwiches earlier." Zell reminded her.
Quistis blinked. "Oh, yes, you're right. How silly of me. Never mind
then." And she sat back down.
"Ooooo...kayyyy..." Selphie said. '" have a new idea! Let's go to
Deling City and ask Rinoa's dad if he knows where she is!"
"That makes sense, amazingly enough." Kiros remarked to Ward.
Ward farted.
"You're right."
So they all left, while Kiros and Irvine gave each other a very long
goodbye kiss. "I love you, pookie bear." Irvine said manfully.
"I love you too, squishy-poo." Kiros replied. "See you in the parade
next week."
"What was all that about?" Selphie asked Irvine as they left.
"Oh shucks, he ran outta Chapstick and I rubbed somma mine off on him,
that's all." Irvine replied.
" 'Pookie bear'? 'SQUISHY-POO'?"
"Well, shoot-dang! One time we was gettin' drunk together and I thought
he was my date and he thought I was his 'n we called each other them names!
Shucks, Selphie, it's a joke!"
She threw her hands in the air in exasperation, smacking Zell across
the face. He immediately punched a nearby wall in retaliation. "Parade?!"
"I'm helpin' him organize an Esthar Day parade! Jeezum crow, Selphie,
are you all right?"
"No, I have a migraine and a strong urge to go see Siegfried and Roy."
"Are we there yet?" Zell whined.
TO BE CONTINUED
Now that we've cleared that up, we can start disclaiming things.
Final Fantasy VIII and all situations, characters, and other aspects relating
to the game are property of Squaresoft. This fanfic is property of me, Anna,
AKA Freddy the Magical Elf. Sueing me would be silly, so please don't; This
is all in the name of fun.
This fic is dedicated to the Squall_Leonheart_FF8 fanfiction list, because
that's what I wrote it for. Hi, y'all!
WARNING: This fanfic contains swearing, sexual innuendo, rampant Irvine-is-
gay jokes, weed, Laguna fangirl gushing, frilly underpanties, and Quistis' whip
being referred to as "kinky".
Sounds like fun, eh?
A TOTAL BASTARD PRODUCTION
SELPHIE TILMETT AND THE QUEST FOR SQUALL'S SEXY PANTS
PART ONE: Pointless Drivel
One day Selphie was merrily skipping about Balamb Garden and falling
over when she noticed that Squall was not moping around the hallways. This was
strange, even stranger than the time Zell got drunk and made love to the Zip
drive of one of the library's computers. Even stranger than the time Quistis
took up alchemy and attempted to make gold out of the hot dogs. (Which Zell
promptly ate.)
It was still not as strange as Irvine, but that was okay.
So Selphie hummed a little tune and kept skipping. Selphie liked
skipping. She was an excellent skipper. Sometimes she called Irvine "Little
Buddy", but that was a different kind of skipper altogether. Selphie was an
easily confused young lady.
She came upon Seifer smoking weed with Fujin and Raijin in the parking
lot. Selphie stopped in a cute manner, cocked her head in a cute manner, and
squinted up her eyes in a manner that was, unfortunately, Rinoa-like.
"What's up, funky American homeboys?" she asked.
"Duuuuuude..." Seifer drawled. "Yer all waaaaaavvvvyyyyyy..."
Raijin giggled.
"Are you guys stoned?" Selphie asked innocently.
"Uhhhh...I dunno." Seifer answered her. Raijin giggled again.
"REEFER!" Fujin said.
This time everyone giggled. Seifer held the joint out to Fujin, who
accepted it and toked. "Whoooaaa...heyyyy...Selphie, when did you get here?"
"Ooookay...booyaka?" Selphie responded cautiously.
Raijin giggled again.
"SHUT UP!" Fujin kicked Raijin in the balls and he fell over a car.
"Dude." Seifer said.
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! Ya know?" Raijin
said, blinking at the concrete that was a mere two inches from his eyes.
"DUDE!" Fujin said.
"Okay, potheads are a drag, no pun intended. I'm outta here!" And
Selphie skipped away. In the distance, she heard Fujin say "BONG!".
Selphie skipped around in a totally random pattern until she came to
the dormitories. Irvine was slouching around in front of them. "Heeeey thar,
Sefie." he said, and tipped his hat to her. The gaggle of crazed groupies in
front of him sighed.
"You are soooooooooooo suave, Irvine..." one of them sighed.
"Why thanks honey, I'm shore...say...do y'all have enny bruthers?"
Everyone giggled again. Irvine looked a bit confused.
"HEY! EVERYONE GO AWAY!" Selphie hollered. They did.
"Thanks!" Irvine said, looking around furtively and ducking into an
empty dorm room. Selphie followed. "Damn, all them women shore do like me!"
"It's pretty odd, seeing as how you're..." Selphie stopped and tried
to think of a tactful way to say this. "You're...ummmm...awfully festive."
Irvine looked pleased. "Why, thank yew kindly!" he purred, smoothing
his suede vest down. "Ah do have good taste, huh?"
"Umm...errr...no, I mean...uhhh...you're...ohh, the hell with it."
Selphie gave up. "So, have you seen Squall?"
"Ah reckon he's in his dorm right 'bout now." Irvine responded. "Hey,
Sefie, whatcha doing tonight?"
"Nothin', why?"
"I thought maybe we could go out to dinner...see a movie..."
Selphie's eyes turned to big ol' anime-style hearts. "Oh, Irvine,
that's so romantic..."
"...go shoppin'....pick up the new Barbara Streisand CD...get
makeovers..."
Selphie sighed. Oh well, good enough. "Okay, Irvine. See ya around
eight." And Selphie walked down the hall to Squall's room.
The door was closed. Selphie pondered this metaphor, then slowly
opened it...
PART 2: PRETENTIOUS PONTIFICATION PREVENTS PANTS RELOCATION!
Selphie skipped around in a circle, waiting impatiently for Squall to
answer the door. Idly, she wondered if he was perhaps balling Rinoa in the
closet, and debated taking pictures.
"HEYYYYYYY! SQUAAAAALLLLL! OPEN UP!" she screamed into the keyhole. Or
tried to, anyways, before she realized the door had no keyhole.
Inside the room, Squall was in a panic. Sweat ran down his thighs in
rivers. His teeth were chattering. His eyeballs rolled wildly. On any other
occasion, he would have blamed it on the cafeteria hot dogs, but this time he
knew what the problem was.
He heard Selphie's cheery, slightly maniacal voice coming from outside
the room.
Could he tell her...? He had to.
With a sigh, Squall slipped off his bed and opened the door just a
tiny crack, leaving the chain lock on. 'BE QUIET!" he hissed at her.
"HOWDY THERE! WHY?" Selphie shouted at the top of her lungs.
"I have a secret." Squall said in a strained whisper. 'And I need your
help."
"OKAY!"
And with that, Squall threw open the door and dragged Selphie inside,
locking it before she could even guess what was going on.
The room was dark, completely dark. Selphie shivered. Was it cold in
here? She could see little else besides the faint red glow of a digital alarm
clock and it's reflected glitter in Squall's blue eyes.
"Uh, dude, can we turn on the lights?"
"No."
"Well, then how am I supposed to help you with your problem?"
"...."
Selphie, luckily, always kept six or so glow sticks on hand. Unluckily,
she forgot this, so instead she merely flicked on the lights and stood
blinking, trying to clear her eyes.
Then she saw Squall.
Her eyes widened in shock.
And she began to laugh hysterically.
Squall stood in the center of the room, looking very uncomfortable. He
was wearing his customary jacket, white shirt, and belts...and nothing else,
save for a pair of bright yellow boxers with: "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" written on
them in neon-green puff paints.
PART 3: SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE HIM BE CLOTHED!
"Call me Shrinkey-Dink and you DIE!"
Selphie just pointed and laughed.
About twenty minutes later, when she could breathe again, Selphie
asked, "What happened?"
"..."
"Squall...?"
"Sorry, I forgot to talk. Ummm...well...I invited Rinoa over so that I
could stare at the wall and she could look at shiny paperclips and drool, when
all of a sudden the bitch throws me down on the bed, pantses me, and runs off!"
"Sounds like fun."
"Well, it would have been, if all my other pants weren't at the
cleaners." Squall groused.
"SO...whaddaya want me to do, anyways?" Selphie twirled her hair
around her finger and tried to look like she cared. Which she did, actually,
she just had trouble expressing it.
"Get them back."
"Yeah, the hell I will!" Selphie jeered him. "Nice undies, by the way!"
"I'll pay you."
This stopped her. "How much?"
"I'll...pay for any train ride you go on, ever." Squall gulped; that would
be quite a bill. But he wanted his goddamn pants!
"WHOOHOO! BOOYAKA!" Selphie cried. "Never fear, Squall, Selphie's here!"
And with that she dashed out.
Had Squall been pithy or witty, he would have made a comment about why
that WOULD inspire fear in him. But being Squall, he just glared.
Selphie ran out to where Irvine was still standing and grabbed his nail
polish away to get his attention. "Irvine! I need you for the Ass-Covering-
Recovery Task Force!"
"You...huh?" Irvine asked, confused, as he snatched the polish back and
continued making his pinkies purple.
"Rinoa the Idiot Slut stole Squall's pants, and he hired me to get 'em
back!" Selphie huffed.
"So what's in it for me?" Irvine asked, disgruntled as a postal worker.
Selphie thought for a minute. "A lifetime supply of hair conditioner
and gay porn out the wazoo." she offered.
"Shucks! I'll take it! YEE-HAW!" Irvine yelled. "Hey, let's go find us
some more peoples!"
"Okay!" Selphie said, grabbing Irvine's hand. Normally he would have
screamed like a little girl at the smearing of his pretty nail polish job, but
he was too entranced by Selphie's proposition to do so.
They skipped merrily into the classroom where Quistis was sitting,
calmly and precisely smearing exactly one tablespoon of mayonnaise on each
slice of perfectly square whole-wheat bread.
"Blecch!" Selphie yelled.
Quistis looked up. "Oh, hello, Selphie and Irvine. Is it not a lovely
day? Headmaster Cid has given me the opportunity to redeem myself as a teacher
by preparing lunch for him." The blond gestured to a veritable mountain of
similar bread slices stacked next to her desk.
"Bread and mayonnaise? Aincha gonna put nothin' else on?" Irvine asked
in disgust.
"But of course. After I have finished with the mayonnaise, I will go
through and add exactly one lettuce slice. And after I have finished with the
lettuce, I will go through and add exactly one turkey slice. And after I have
finished with the turkey, I will go through and add exactly one tomato slice.
And after I have finished with the tomato, I will go through and add exactly
one ham slice. And after I have finished with the ham, I will go through and
add exactly one tablespoon of mustard. And after I have finished with the
mustard, I will add exactly one plain slice of bread to each. And after I
have added the extra bread, I will stick exactly one olive in the top of each,
and place each on a perfectly round bone china plate with exactly two point
six fresh Kosher dills pickles beside it."
Selphie and Irvine blinked.
"Umm...okay. Anyways, would you like to help us on our quest?" Selphie
asked cautiously.
"What is your quest?"
"We gotta find Squall's pants." Irvine said. "And my favorite color is
pink, so doncha bother askin'."
"Very well. Is there any sort of monetary compensation for this deed?"
Quistis asked.
"Sure..." Selphie thought for a second. "Squall will make Headmaster
Cid fresh sandwiches whenever he wants and say that YOU made them! Forever!"
Quistis's eyes lit up like two eyes lighting up in her head. "Lovely!
I shall join you!" she announced as she grabbed her kinky S&M whip.
So then Selphie skipped, Irvine pranced, and Quistis plodded down to
the cafeteria, where they convinced Zell by promising him an everlasting
supply of hot dogs at Squall's expense. Zell was so overjoyed that he put a
sixty-second pause between "OH" and "YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!".
Now they skipped, pranced, plodded, and shadowboxed their way to the
parking lot and hopped into a car. Selphie drove, Irvine rode shotgun ((BAD
PUN!)), and Quistis sat neatly in the backseat. They tied Zell behind the car
so that he could run and maybe work off some of that extra energy.
"Next stop...Esthar! We gotta get Sir Laguna!" Selphie announced.
PART 4: I WANNA EAT A BURRITO OFF OF LAGUNA'S ASS--
OH SHIT, DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?!
Laguna Loire, mayor of Esthar, slept in little girls' panties.
Every night when Laguna went to bed, Kiros snuck into his room and
quietly took off his old friend's pajama bottoms. Since Laguna slept like a
dead deaf guy with earplugs on an overdose of Seconal, this was not really a
problem for Kiros.
Then, quiet as a...seagull...Kiros would retrive a pair of sparkly,
frilly, lacy underpants and slip them onto Laguna's firm, toned, sensual,
creamy-white, silky, soft legs and fabulous ass.
Upon awakening every morning, Laguna removed then in a ritualistic
manner.
"GODDAMN FANGIRLS!" he would roar, ripping the undies off with his
bare hands and throwing them at the door. Then he would stomp off, naked from
the waist down and in a huff, to the shower, while Kiros giggled and hugged
his Britney Spears doll in the next room.
Today was no exception.
Selphie, Irvine, Quistis, and Zell were having Dr. Pepper, a champagne
cocktail, flat lukewarm water, and beer, respectively, in the living room
while Ward entertained them.
"...." said Ward.
Everyone laughed hysterically, Zell spraying beer out his nose like a
fire hydrant.
"Damn! You shore are a card, Ward!" Irvine said, daintily sipping his
drink.
Kiros walked in wearing a VERY skimpy half-shirt and pair of bright
blue short-shorts. He shyly put one hand behind his head and batted his eyes
at Irvine. "Well, hel-LO!" he purred.
Irvine blushed like a nun on a gay nude beach and quickly downed the
rest of his drink. "Hey, Kiros." he mumbled into the empty glass.
"Hi!" Selphie chirped. "Is Sir Laguna ready yet?"
Kiros cocked his head. A muffled shout was heard, then a faint *THUMP*,
then the shower. "Fifteen more minutes."
And sure enough, fifteen minutes later, Laguna arrived in his regular
outfit with his hair a stringy wet mess, scowling as well as he could.
A Laguna scowl is somewhat the equivalent of a stoned grin, but not as
mellow.
His grin became real when he saw everyone. "HI!" he said.
Selphie made a decisive gesture with her fists, as all Selphies do,
and said, 'Sirrrrrrrr LAGUNA! We need your help! Rinoa has made off with
Squall's sexiest of tight leather pants and we need you to help us find her!"
Laguna looked at her for a second, then grinned dopily. "I like pie."
he announced proudly.
Oh right. Laguna grinned like a stoned guy because he WAS stoned, as,
unbeknownst to him, a couple of Esthar's teenaged hellions flushed their supply
of pot down the toilet and it was somehow bypassed from the sewer system to
Laguna's shower.
Someone had been playing such tricks on the Mayor for a while. Some
said it was members of a Sorceress cult, out for revenge. Others said it was
international terrorists.
Still others said that Esthar had a really lousy sewer system, but it
still didn't explain why bad stuff happened to poor Laguna all the time.
Kiros explained the problems they'd been having while Laguna hummed
"The Wall" and drummed on Ward's bald head.
"That is not a favorable course of action." Quistis said in disapproval.
Zell was buzzed, and got up to shadowbox at about 70 MPH, or, since
this is a FF game, 10393938 KMPH, or whatever it is in the metric system.
"So I doubt anyone's going to be able to help you." sighed Kiros.
PART 5: POOKIE BEAR AND SQUISHY-POO
After Laguna's rejection, the Balamb Garden group was quite downhearted
indeed. Even Selphie seemed less Ritalin-deprived than usual.
"Look, you guys, even though I can't come with you, I'll still be your
cheerleader!" Laguna said suddenly.
Everyone except Zell and Ward got a yummalicious image of Laguna
jumping up in a pleated miniskirt in their heads, giggled, then looked away.
"I believe he meant that he supports us, not that he would *ahem*
actually put on minishorts and bend over." Quistis said dryly.
"Why Quistis how could you think such thoughts you dirty perverted
slut I can't believe you how awful I feel dirty myself now you ought to be
ashamed." Selphie said in a complete monotone without blinking.
Kiros giggled like a sailor-suited schoolgirl.
"Well, I gotta go rule a town full of nuclear warheads and stuff now.
But it was nice seeing you all again! Bye bye!" And with that, Laguna dashed
out of the room.
"Well, shee-oot!" Irvine said. "What the heck'r we gonna do now, Sefie?"
Selphie thought. She thought for a long long time.
"Go to the mall?" she asked.
"Besides that, dude!" Zell said.
"Ohhhh..." Selphie was crestfallen. That was all she could think about.
"You know, I'm not a super-straight tightlaced prune-faced prude!'
Quistis said suddenly. "I, too, have creative desires and burnings in my mortal
loins!" She stood up. "I feel the need to CREATE!"
"You made sandwiches earlier." Zell reminded her.
Quistis blinked. "Oh, yes, you're right. How silly of me. Never mind
then." And she sat back down.
"Ooooo...kayyyy..." Selphie said. '" have a new idea! Let's go to
Deling City and ask Rinoa's dad if he knows where she is!"
"That makes sense, amazingly enough." Kiros remarked to Ward.
Ward farted.
"You're right."
So they all left, while Kiros and Irvine gave each other a very long
goodbye kiss. "I love you, pookie bear." Irvine said manfully.
"I love you too, squishy-poo." Kiros replied. "See you in the parade
next week."
"What was all that about?" Selphie asked Irvine as they left.
"Oh shucks, he ran outta Chapstick and I rubbed somma mine off on him,
that's all." Irvine replied.
" 'Pookie bear'? 'SQUISHY-POO'?"
"Well, shoot-dang! One time we was gettin' drunk together and I thought
he was my date and he thought I was his 'n we called each other them names!
Shucks, Selphie, it's a joke!"
She threw her hands in the air in exasperation, smacking Zell across
the face. He immediately punched a nearby wall in retaliation. "Parade?!"
"I'm helpin' him organize an Esthar Day parade! Jeezum crow, Selphie,
are you all right?"
"No, I have a migraine and a strong urge to go see Siegfried and Roy."
"Are we there yet?" Zell whined.
TO BE CONTINUED