PART 6: DELING DELING DELING! STREET TROLLEY!

They reached Deling City after a grueling 18-hour drive. It would have
been a lot shorter if Zell hadn't insisted they stop at every single historical
marker along the highway for "educational purposes". The group later discovered
that Zell was stealing said signs for his "collection".

Selphie hopped out and groaned. "Owwwww, my ass hurts!"

Her pet donkey brayed in agreement.

"No, not you, retard!"

"So...where's General Caraway at?" Irvine asked, picking his teeth with
the crosshairs on his shawtgun. (Yee-haw!)

"I would suppose his house." Quistis said thoughtfully. Everyone was
glad Quistis was EVER so smart.

"Know-it-all!" Zell said, squatting and readying himself for battle.
"Ya wanna throw down? You think yer smart? I'LL show ya who's smart!"

"Ah think he's mighty peeved that y'all made him put those signs back."
Irvine told Quistis and Selphie.

"Yeah, either that or he's going through steriod withdrawal." Selphie
replied. She was in a bad mood; Sir Laguna would have been a big help on this
quest.

Reading her thoughts, Quistis said gently, "I am sorry that Mayor Loire
could not come with us as well, Selphie. He would have been a fine asset."

"Yeah, he does have a great ass, doesn't he?" Selphie sighed in a
girlish manner.

"Well, yes, that also..."

"WHOO-HOO!" Zell suddenly yelled, jumping up in the air. The others
were startled.

"Dangit, Zell!" Irvine yelped, throwing the mascara wand he had been
holding at the other man. "Ya made me smear my eye makeup!"

"Sorry, dude. But look!" Zell pointed to a large group of brick
buildings where a groups of large, hairy, and thoroughly unattractive males
were manipulating some anorexic-looking young girls. "FRAT PARTY!
YEEEEAAAAAHHH!"

Before anyone could slap him and tell him to shut the hell up, Zell had
dashed over to the party.

"Oh, GREAT..." Selphie moaned. "Now what happens?"

"Let us continue onto Caraway's mansion. After we have discussed matters
with him-and hopefully found Rinoa and recovered Squall's belongings-we shall
come back here and claim Zell." Quistis said, shouldering her whip. "Does that
seem feasible?"

Irvine shrugged. "Awright then. Lead on, Quistis."

As they walked to Caraway's place, Selphie noticed Irvine seemed a bit
saddened. Making sure Quistis was several feet ahead of them, she quietly asked,
'Hey Irvy, what's wrong?"

"Aw, shucks, Sefie, darned if ah know." Irvine said glumly. "Ah jest
wish we was still in Esthar, y'know?"

"Yeah, this place sucks!" Selphie glared all around her. "I HATE this
town! It's full of traffic and it's loud and noisy!"

"Naw, girl, it ain't the TOWN..." Irvine looked uncomfortable.

"Well, what then?"

"I miss Kiros."

Selphie sighed. "Would you PLEASE just admit that you're gay?" she
asked in exasperation.

"Selphie! Ain't you been listening? I jest told you Ah'm miserable!"
Irvine said in a hurt voice.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!"

Quistis turned around and frowned at the shorter girl. "Selphie Tilmett!
Would you KINDLY please refrain from shrieking?"

Selphie made a face at Quistis. When Quistis turned around, she made
another face, this time at the blond's back.

"How rude! Making faces at me behind my back!" Quistis fumed.

Everyone was suffering from severe Midol deprivation.

PART 7: PAR-TAY!

"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!" Zell yelled at one blond Neanderthal as he
bounded merrily up to the frat building.

"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!" Neanderthal screamed back. The two bumped
chests, burped, slapped hands, and scratched themselves in the crotch.

All pleasantries aside, Neanderthal said, "My name's Jamison! What's
yours?"

"Zell, dude."

"Dude, cool. What are you in?"

Zell didn't understand the question. "Huh...?"

"Kappa Kappa Alpha? Delta Zeta Spaghetta? Alpha Beta Soupa?"

"Oohhh..." Zell thought. Then he got a bright idea. "I...ummm...I was
abducted by aliens and they dropped me off here!"

"DUDE! UFO'S?" Jamison screamed. A few other scary jock types and their
bored, drunken, horny girlfriends came over to listen and drink beer.

"Yeah! YEAH, DUDE!" Zell yelled. "MAN! It was AWFUL! They kept me in a
glass box and only fed me dirt!"

"No beer?" asked another blond.

"No, man!"

Everyone screamed in terror. By now the majority of the party was
around them, except everyone who was screwing the head cheerleader. But even
without eight or ten people, it was a large crowd of loud, inebriated college
students. To anyone but Zell, this would have been a sign to act with prudence,
but unfortunately, it WAS Zell.

"THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT'S FAULT!" announced a third blond.

"YEAH! DOWN WITH THE GOVERNMENT!" The entire party was screaming and
cursing by now.

Zell smiled. "It's nice to have good friends!" he chirped.

"What are we gonna do? What if the aliens come for us?" a pretty
brunette in a halter top and bikini bottoms warbled.

"Don't worry, babe, I'll protect you!" some guy honked.

"If only Caraway had opposed the Sorceress, this wouldn't have
happened!" someone tweeted!

The brunette, crying, honked as she blew her nose.

"That sounded like a quack!" someone twittered.

"Dude, you're trippin'!" someone else tweeted in disbelief.

"What's your name?" Zell cawed at the brunette.

"Phoebe."

"Huh?"

"Phoebe! Feeee-beeee!"

"Oh, sorry. You know that sounds like something a bird would say?" Zell
asked her.

Phoebe looked at him with big brown eyes, wide in fear, and smiled.
"That's so sweet."

And, amidst a group of enraged frat boys and sorority sisters, Zell and
Phoebe shared a celebratory grope.

PART 8: TOUCHDOWN! ...OR MAYBE NOT

"...and that's why the interns are so ugly." General Caraway finished
telling Irvine.

"Ohhhhh..."

Caraway gave Quistis the evil eye. 'Don't let her touch my china!" he barked.

Quistis sniffed. "How rude! Why, we were only trying to-"

"Shut up."

"Yes, sir."

General Caraway had been a bit hostile towards Quistis ever since she
smashed his grandmother's precious teacups the night of Edea's botched assassination.

Selphie pulled her boots up and sighed. This sucked. She decided to
actually get on with their mission.

"YO! GENERAL!"

Everyone winced. Caraway shrieked in horror as Selphie's piercing yell
caused his Great-Aunt Edna's Delft China to literally implode.

"What is it, Selphie?" he asked wearily once the sound waves had stopped
reverberating.

"Do you know where Rinoa is?"

"Yes, she's in her room."

The party from Balamb just kind of stared at him.

"Well?" Caraway asked after an uncomfortable silence.

"Well? WELL? DAMMIT, MAN!" Irvine had suddenly gained a Scottish accent
and threw himself into Caraway's arms, sobbing hysterically. "CANNA YE SEE THE
DANGER, MAN? SHE CAN'T TAKE MUCH O' THIS!"

"Irvine, shut up." Selphie said.

Irvine backed away from Caraway and bowed. "Ah've been practicin' fer
the drama club! How d'ya figger I'll do?"

"Marvelous." Caraway said dryly. "You have a real flair. Speaking of
flair, is that lipstick?"

"Where is she?" Quistis asked.

"Not in the sewers or my china cabinet, you bimbo!" Caraway snarled at
her. To Selphie in his sweetest voice, he said, "Rinoa is in her mother's room
if you would like to speak to her."

"Allllll righty, then!" Selphie straightened up and saluted. "As leader
of this mission, I nominate myself to go get Squall's sexy pants back!"

The short girl swaggered importantly into the room and, without looking,
turned around and closed the door quickly, and locked it.

Without turning around, Selphie said in her most dangerous voice, "All
right, Rinoa. The jig is up. I want you to hand over Squall's pants immediately.
Do it quickly and quietly, and we won't prosecute."

She was met with silence.

"Come on, Rinoa!" Selphie began to whine, and turned around. "If I get
the pants back Squall said he's pay for-"

The room was empty. One wall had been torn down, and a small scrap of
blue polyester was caught on a jagged piece of wood.

"DAMN!" Selphie yelled.

Then she noticed the mob of enraged frat boys heading for the mansion.