AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am SO sorry about the delay on this story, everybody.
But I have a really short attention span...
What I DON'T have is a good excuse, so please forgive me, and try to
enjoy this really important installment of SQUALL'S SEXY PANTS.
WARNING: Contains (literal) Rinoa bashing.
*********************************
PART 11: YES! THERE IS STILL A STORY!
"I don't wanna look for Zell!" Selphie whined. "Seriously,
what did Ol' Chickenhead ever do for ME?!"
Irvine winked at her. "Ah kin thank of sumfin'..."
"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION THE TIME I GAVE ZELL A BLOWJOB IN
THE BACK OF HIS MOTHER'S STATION WAGON, IRVINE, YOU PANSY WHORE!"
"Huh?" Irvine asked, very confused.
Selphie blushed. "Oooops...nevermind...heh...heh...whoo-eeee..."
Quistis turned around to face the other two, looking very
nervous and upset. "You two, we no longer have any kind of plan of
action, and we are down one person to boot. Now what do we do?"
"Ah think we needs us more peoples, y'all." Irvine said.
"Hey, cool, someone spilled Altoids all over the floor...!"
Selphie said, and got down on her hands and knees. Many fanboys were
happy.
The Terriffic- Teriffic- Terffiffic- goddamn it, try that again...
The TERRIFIC ((Aha!)) trio was still in Caraway's mansion.
They had tucked the moaning, whimpering General into bed with a
hot-water bottle Quistis constructed from a Mason jar filled with hot
Jell-O (she was pretty mad at him; the Jell-O was lime with pears in
it) and an old Teddy Ruxpin Irvine found in Rinoa's mother's room.
Hopefully, he'd remain one cozy general.
"Ah'm suryuss, Sefie. We needs a group 'a four at least iff'n
we wants a successful-like mission." Irvine continued.
"Did you just get more of an accent?"
"Ah reckon."
"Well,, CUT IT OUT."
"Sorry." he amended. "Ah'll try to be less phonetic."
"You TWO!" Quistis bitched. 'Let's stay on task here, please."
The blond ignored Selphie's "You-suck-Quisty" face (one eye squinched
shut, the other one wide open and crossed, one finger pushing her nose
up like a pig's, the lips peeled back like a chimp's, the tongue
waving in the air.) and kept going. "I do not want to spoil anyone's
fun, but we are under obligation to our good friend Squall-"
"I don't like him." Irvine added.
"-to recover his pants. That should be our first priority."
Quistis finished, with a sharp warning glare in Irvine's direction.
The cowboy-man merely winked and smiled in such an extraneously suave
manner that Leonardo DiCaprio threw up somewhere.
Selphie gasped. "How can you SAY that?!?!?! It's way more
important to get poor Zell back than it is to get stupid Squall's
lousy three-dollar Kmart shorts!"
"Weren't you just saying you didn't really care if we found
Zell?" Quistis asked her.
"Oh, yeah." Selphie looked mollified. "Fuck it, then, let's go
find Rin-HO-a."
PART 12: COLD, HALF-NAKED, AND ALONE...
Squall sniffled. (Nobody loves me.), he thought. (It's been a
day already since Selphie said she would go get my pants back and I
haven't heard from her.)
He tried a cool, casual pose and found it worked. (Not that I
care. People are just stupid anyways...)
He sniffled again. (Well, I hope Rinoa's happy. That damn slut
made my face hurt when I smiled that one time. Dumb ho.)
(Ah, how I love her...! That sweet voice, that delicate face,
that cheerful demeanor! My Rinoa, my darling, my angel! My heart
itself was born when that lovely creature graced me with her love! I
want to shower her with jewels and flowers and palaces! Beautiful,
beautiful Rinoa!)
"I should talk more often." Squall told the wall. "I'm an
excellent liar. After all, look what I just said in my head."
(Dumb bitch...)
PART 13: WHAT THE HELL...?! NOT AGAIN!
"Kiros" Laguna said, hoping he could approach this delicate
subject in the right way. "Do you screw men?"
Whoops.
"NO!" Kiros said. "For the EIGHTH TIME! I don't screw THEM,
THEY screw ME!"
"Oh. Okay!" Laguna said happily. "Mmmm, good beer."
"..." Ward said.
Laguna spit it back into his plastic Pikachu mug and gagged.
Kiros gave one high, trilling stream of hysterical laughter. "SICK,
Ward! That's not funny!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA!" Kiros chortled, proving him
wrong.
The mayor of Esthar looked queasy as Ward zipped up his pants.
"I can't BELIEVE you did that, man. That is WRONG. I think I'm gonna
puke...ooooohhhhrrrrggggg....my LEGS....!"
Suddenly, the door swung open to reveal three very dramatic-
looking silhouettes. Well, maybe not dramatic, but you could tell from
a distance that they had funny hair.
"Hey! You guys are back!" Laguna said.
Selphie strode in with a bit of a sexy swagger. "SIR LAGUNA,
GIVE ME YOUR ROCKET!" she announced forcefully.
Laguna's face fell. "Gee, Selphie, you're really darn cute and
all and I'd like to, but you're still technically underage and-"
"Not THAT rocket!" Selphie said, jumping around like one of
those really really really bouncy balls you get from the drugstore for
10 cents each. "The ones that go into SPACE!" Selphie indicated "space"
by waving her arms around madly and tripping over a footstool. She was
very exuberant, to the point of stupidity.
"Irvy-buns, you can see MY rocket anytime you want." Kiros
simpered.
Irvine blushed. "Shucks, Kiros, Ah di'n even know you had one! Where
is it parked?"
This time Kiros's face fell.
"Please excuse my companions. They are stupid dirtbags."
Quistis said icily. She was still annoyed from General Caraway's
bitching.
Laguna hopped up and rubbed his hands together. "Rockets!
Right! What do you need them for?"
"TO GET LAID WITH SQUALL!" a horrible, familiar voice
screeched from the door, which had been left open.
Selphie's ears pricked up, which is an anatomical
impossibility for humans. Could it be...? She turned around...
And indeed, there she was. Squinty-eyed, smirking, snarky
Rinoa in her Wal-Mart-brand trenchcoat, hugging a pair of what must
definitely be sexy leather pants.
"OHMIGAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD!" Selphie and Irvine screamed.
Rinoa giggled. A few goldfish is Ward's aquarium went belly-up
at that exact moment. "Tee hee, Rinoa likey get laid with Squall!"
"Rinoa!" gasped Quistis. "Hand over the pants and come with us!"
Rinoa frowned and shook her head so hard that the few remaining
brain cells flew out her right ear and disappeared. "No! If Squall am
having of pants, Squall no screw Rinoa!"
"Oh, NOW I get it..." several people muttered.
"Rinoa send hyper boy up in space with alien friends! Squall
am rescuing hyper boy! When Squall go into space..." Rinoa made a rude
gesture with her hands and grinned, drooling.
"Wow, that's actually...smart...considering that the first
time you two even hugged was on a spaceship." Irvine said in a
shocked, admiring tone of voice.
Rinoa giggled. More fish died.
"But how can Squall rescue Zell if he will not leave his room?"
Quistis asked logically.
Rinoa's face grew dim, her mouth dropped open, and her eyes
filled with tears. "Squall no will leave?"
"He refuses to until he has his pants back." Selphie said.
"Boy, you didn't think about this very well, did you?"
"Why Rinoa hurt self by thinking for?!"
Selphie moaned.
Irvine sighed theatrically.
Quistis looked at the wall.
Laguna examined the rest of his beer.
Kiros picked at his manicure and sniffed haughtily.
"..." said Ward.
Everyone's face lit up like lightbulbs when the heard this sage advice.
"Ol' buddy, you are the MAN!" Laguna said, exchanging a high
five with Ward.
"That IS rather feasible..." Quistis mused.
"I like it!" Selphie announced.
"Shall I do the honors...?" asked Irvine.
Everyone nodded his or her assent. Irvine picked up a large
stone Moomba sculpture, walked over to Rinoa, and brained her with it.
She crumbled to the floor in an anorexic heap. The second she hit the
floor, Irvine scooped up the pants and proudly held them out to
Selphie and the rest.
Everyone burst into wild cheers.
TO BE CONTINUED....
But I have a really short attention span...
What I DON'T have is a good excuse, so please forgive me, and try to
enjoy this really important installment of SQUALL'S SEXY PANTS.
WARNING: Contains (literal) Rinoa bashing.
*********************************
PART 11: YES! THERE IS STILL A STORY!
"I don't wanna look for Zell!" Selphie whined. "Seriously,
what did Ol' Chickenhead ever do for ME?!"
Irvine winked at her. "Ah kin thank of sumfin'..."
"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION THE TIME I GAVE ZELL A BLOWJOB IN
THE BACK OF HIS MOTHER'S STATION WAGON, IRVINE, YOU PANSY WHORE!"
"Huh?" Irvine asked, very confused.
Selphie blushed. "Oooops...nevermind...heh...heh...whoo-eeee..."
Quistis turned around to face the other two, looking very
nervous and upset. "You two, we no longer have any kind of plan of
action, and we are down one person to boot. Now what do we do?"
"Ah think we needs us more peoples, y'all." Irvine said.
"Hey, cool, someone spilled Altoids all over the floor...!"
Selphie said, and got down on her hands and knees. Many fanboys were
happy.
The Terriffic- Teriffic- Terffiffic- goddamn it, try that again...
The TERRIFIC ((Aha!)) trio was still in Caraway's mansion.
They had tucked the moaning, whimpering General into bed with a
hot-water bottle Quistis constructed from a Mason jar filled with hot
Jell-O (she was pretty mad at him; the Jell-O was lime with pears in
it) and an old Teddy Ruxpin Irvine found in Rinoa's mother's room.
Hopefully, he'd remain one cozy general.
"Ah'm suryuss, Sefie. We needs a group 'a four at least iff'n
we wants a successful-like mission." Irvine continued.
"Did you just get more of an accent?"
"Ah reckon."
"Well,, CUT IT OUT."
"Sorry." he amended. "Ah'll try to be less phonetic."
"You TWO!" Quistis bitched. 'Let's stay on task here, please."
The blond ignored Selphie's "You-suck-Quisty" face (one eye squinched
shut, the other one wide open and crossed, one finger pushing her nose
up like a pig's, the lips peeled back like a chimp's, the tongue
waving in the air.) and kept going. "I do not want to spoil anyone's
fun, but we are under obligation to our good friend Squall-"
"I don't like him." Irvine added.
"-to recover his pants. That should be our first priority."
Quistis finished, with a sharp warning glare in Irvine's direction.
The cowboy-man merely winked and smiled in such an extraneously suave
manner that Leonardo DiCaprio threw up somewhere.
Selphie gasped. "How can you SAY that?!?!?! It's way more
important to get poor Zell back than it is to get stupid Squall's
lousy three-dollar Kmart shorts!"
"Weren't you just saying you didn't really care if we found
Zell?" Quistis asked her.
"Oh, yeah." Selphie looked mollified. "Fuck it, then, let's go
find Rin-HO-a."
PART 12: COLD, HALF-NAKED, AND ALONE...
Squall sniffled. (Nobody loves me.), he thought. (It's been a
day already since Selphie said she would go get my pants back and I
haven't heard from her.)
He tried a cool, casual pose and found it worked. (Not that I
care. People are just stupid anyways...)
He sniffled again. (Well, I hope Rinoa's happy. That damn slut
made my face hurt when I smiled that one time. Dumb ho.)
(Ah, how I love her...! That sweet voice, that delicate face,
that cheerful demeanor! My Rinoa, my darling, my angel! My heart
itself was born when that lovely creature graced me with her love! I
want to shower her with jewels and flowers and palaces! Beautiful,
beautiful Rinoa!)
"I should talk more often." Squall told the wall. "I'm an
excellent liar. After all, look what I just said in my head."
(Dumb bitch...)
PART 13: WHAT THE HELL...?! NOT AGAIN!
"Kiros" Laguna said, hoping he could approach this delicate
subject in the right way. "Do you screw men?"
Whoops.
"NO!" Kiros said. "For the EIGHTH TIME! I don't screw THEM,
THEY screw ME!"
"Oh. Okay!" Laguna said happily. "Mmmm, good beer."
"..." Ward said.
Laguna spit it back into his plastic Pikachu mug and gagged.
Kiros gave one high, trilling stream of hysterical laughter. "SICK,
Ward! That's not funny!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA!" Kiros chortled, proving him
wrong.
The mayor of Esthar looked queasy as Ward zipped up his pants.
"I can't BELIEVE you did that, man. That is WRONG. I think I'm gonna
puke...ooooohhhhrrrrggggg....my LEGS....!"
Suddenly, the door swung open to reveal three very dramatic-
looking silhouettes. Well, maybe not dramatic, but you could tell from
a distance that they had funny hair.
"Hey! You guys are back!" Laguna said.
Selphie strode in with a bit of a sexy swagger. "SIR LAGUNA,
GIVE ME YOUR ROCKET!" she announced forcefully.
Laguna's face fell. "Gee, Selphie, you're really darn cute and
all and I'd like to, but you're still technically underage and-"
"Not THAT rocket!" Selphie said, jumping around like one of
those really really really bouncy balls you get from the drugstore for
10 cents each. "The ones that go into SPACE!" Selphie indicated "space"
by waving her arms around madly and tripping over a footstool. She was
very exuberant, to the point of stupidity.
"Irvy-buns, you can see MY rocket anytime you want." Kiros
simpered.
Irvine blushed. "Shucks, Kiros, Ah di'n even know you had one! Where
is it parked?"
This time Kiros's face fell.
"Please excuse my companions. They are stupid dirtbags."
Quistis said icily. She was still annoyed from General Caraway's
bitching.
Laguna hopped up and rubbed his hands together. "Rockets!
Right! What do you need them for?"
"TO GET LAID WITH SQUALL!" a horrible, familiar voice
screeched from the door, which had been left open.
Selphie's ears pricked up, which is an anatomical
impossibility for humans. Could it be...? She turned around...
And indeed, there she was. Squinty-eyed, smirking, snarky
Rinoa in her Wal-Mart-brand trenchcoat, hugging a pair of what must
definitely be sexy leather pants.
"OHMIGAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD!" Selphie and Irvine screamed.
Rinoa giggled. A few goldfish is Ward's aquarium went belly-up
at that exact moment. "Tee hee, Rinoa likey get laid with Squall!"
"Rinoa!" gasped Quistis. "Hand over the pants and come with us!"
Rinoa frowned and shook her head so hard that the few remaining
brain cells flew out her right ear and disappeared. "No! If Squall am
having of pants, Squall no screw Rinoa!"
"Oh, NOW I get it..." several people muttered.
"Rinoa send hyper boy up in space with alien friends! Squall
am rescuing hyper boy! When Squall go into space..." Rinoa made a rude
gesture with her hands and grinned, drooling.
"Wow, that's actually...smart...considering that the first
time you two even hugged was on a spaceship." Irvine said in a
shocked, admiring tone of voice.
Rinoa giggled. More fish died.
"But how can Squall rescue Zell if he will not leave his room?"
Quistis asked logically.
Rinoa's face grew dim, her mouth dropped open, and her eyes
filled with tears. "Squall no will leave?"
"He refuses to until he has his pants back." Selphie said.
"Boy, you didn't think about this very well, did you?"
"Why Rinoa hurt self by thinking for?!"
Selphie moaned.
Irvine sighed theatrically.
Quistis looked at the wall.
Laguna examined the rest of his beer.
Kiros picked at his manicure and sniffed haughtily.
"..." said Ward.
Everyone's face lit up like lightbulbs when the heard this sage advice.
"Ol' buddy, you are the MAN!" Laguna said, exchanging a high
five with Ward.
"That IS rather feasible..." Quistis mused.
"I like it!" Selphie announced.
"Shall I do the honors...?" asked Irvine.
Everyone nodded his or her assent. Irvine picked up a large
stone Moomba sculpture, walked over to Rinoa, and brained her with it.
She crumbled to the floor in an anorexic heap. The second she hit the
floor, Irvine scooped up the pants and proudly held them out to
Selphie and the rest.
Everyone burst into wild cheers.
TO BE CONTINUED....