CHAPTER 14: OH, THIS IS JUST SILLY!
"So, we've got Rin-ho-a. But how do we get Zell?" Selphie asked, "accidentally" kicking Rinoa out of Irvine's arms for the fourth time. They had left Esthar four hours ago and been walking ever since.
Irvine sighed and picked Rinoa back up, not bothering to brush the dust and mud off her. "Ah don' know, Sefie. All ah know is that I'm right tired."
"Me, too." Selphie sighed. "What about you, Q-Bitch? You tired?"
But from Quistis came no answer. Selphie spun around, arms flailing, and knocked Rinoa and Irvine over. Then she tripped over a rock and plowed face-first into the muck herself. She got a 6.3, a 5.9, a 7.1, and a miserable 4.2 from the Australian judges.
"Kangaroo-screwing pricks!"
Irvine picked himself up and stepped on Rinoa once for good measure before slinging her back over his shoulder. "AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" he said eloquently.
Selphie stomped her foot, sending a wave of mud washing over her legs again. "QUISTIS! ANSWER ME, GOD DAMMIT!"
But from Quistis there came no answer. Selphie snarled in anger and proceeded to bludgeon the hell out of-
--a tree she had mistaken for Quistis.
"OHMIGOD! We lost Quistis!" Selphie screamed.
"Oh, hell..." Irvine moaned. "An' those tranquilizers Kiros gave Rinoa are gonna wear off in less'n an hour!"
Suddenly, something dawned on Selphie. "Oh, my god, Irvine-"
"Sefie, that's real sweet 'n all, but I don't think Ah'm quite up to deity status yet."
"No, stupid! I mean...didn't we have a CAR?!"
Irvine stopped dead in the middle of a big yawn, which was not the most flattering position. A big bat flew straight into it and set up a co-op condominium with two other swinger bats. Irvine was too dumbfounded to notice, however. "And," he began, realization slowly dawning on his own face, "we can't get from Esthar to Balamb by walkin', neither!"
"Or driving." The tree added.
Irvine and Selphie stared at the tree, who rustled his leaves in a very miffed manner. "Well, excuse me for trying to help! When you're in the Forest of Really Twisted Shit, you overhear a lot of things."
"The Forest of Really Twisted Shit?!" Selphie and Irvine exclaimed together.
"What are you, a Greek chorus? I think it's pretty self-exclamatory."
Selphie shook her head. "You know what? I've become immune to sheer dementia by now. I think the aliens abducting the frat party just about did me in." She sighed. Irvine hugged her, letting Rinoa slip off into the mud again. "Tell us about the Forest of Really Twisted Shit."
"Okay!" Some chipper 1950's-Home-of-the-Future music started up out of nowhere. The tree cleared its throat (or whatever) and began his spiel: "Long ago, Sorceress Hyne-who secretly enjoyed being called 'Hienie Hyne' during intimate moments-was really, really, incredibly stoned. She claimed that a small fairy with terrible B.O. flew up to her, bonked her on the head with a magic wand, and shrieked at her, 'BITCH YOU BE TRIPPIN'!!'. She then decided to form a community made up of the demented and freakish things she had dreamed up when she was snookered, and the Forest was born."
"Wow, is that true?" Irvine asked the tree.
"God, no. Sounded pretty neat, though, didn't it?"
"Well, I have a few questions I'd like to ask you." Selphie said.
"Leroy."
"What?!"
"My name is Leroy." the tree said, a little surprised. "That is what you were going to ask me, isn't it?"
"Yeah, but how did you know?"
Two frogs climbed on Rinoa's back and began mating.
"I'm a Psychic Masochist Birch." Leroy responded. "By the way, you know how you kicked me a while back there?"
'Yeah, I'm really sorry-"
"Do it again, but harder."
Selphie blinked. "Umm...don't you think we're moving a little too fast? I mean, can't I buy you dinner first, or maybe see a movie?"
"I'm flattered, but all I really want you to do is beat the living shit out of me."
"Can I join in?" Irvine asked hungrily. Selphie stared at him in shock. Irvine's eyes burned with a lust stronger than any Selphie had ever seen, stronger than the lust that had burned in Zell's eyes when his girlfriend wore a suit made of hot dogs. He had disrobed, and was left in nothing except his cowboy hat, boots, and boxer shorts with the Powerpuff Girls printed on them. Fangirls drooled to the point of dehydration.
"Ooooh, come to Big Pimp Daddy Tree!" Leroy said. Irvine began walking towards him, excited hands tugging at his undies and pulling them down...down...down...
Rinoa leaped up out of the mud, grabbed both Squall's and Irvine's pants, and ran like Newt Gingrich at a NOW convention.
Everything around Selphie melted, and she passed out.
CHAPTER 15: YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!
Squall sighed. /Selphie's still not back yet. It's been THREE damn days now. Nobody likes me.\
His computer suddenly announced, "You've got mail!"
Squall looked over at the computer. /Hey, maybe it's from Selphie or something...\ He walked over and sat down, clicking on the little mailbox icon. /Oh, no, it's from that dickweed Laguna. Gag me. Still, maybe he's seen them...\
FROM: MrMayor2001@estharmail.com
TO: crankylittlebitch@balambgarden.edu
Squall,
People think I'm your father. Should I laugh at them, or is that too mean?
Love,
Laguna
"All your base are belong to us!"
Squall blinked, then pressed reply.
FROM: crankylittlebitch@balambgarden.edu
TO: MrMayor2001@estharmail.com
Laguna-
Laugh your ass off. If I didn't already think people were stupid, I'd sure as hell start now.
--Squall
"You are the eggman, I am the walrus, koo-koo-ka-choo."
PART 16: HANGOVERS SUCK
The first thing Selphie saw when she woke up was a big, pale blob hovering silently over her face.
"Hi, Ward," she mumbled, then threw up.
Doing that seemed to make her feel better and, when the room stopped spinning, she managed to sit up and wearily assess the situation. Irvine was curled up, sucking his thumb, in the bed next to her. Against the far wall, she was relieved to see Quistis. Actually, she heard Quistis before she saw her, because the blond was snoring like a grizzly bear in heat doing a James Earl Jones Impression.
Rinoa was nowhere to be found.
"Shit!" Selphie said, punching the mattress in anger. Ward made a move to lift her up. "No, not literally, Ward."
Laguna walked in. "Are you okay?'
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Selphie wailed, tears spilling down her face. "Not only did we lose Rinoa, but we lost Squall's pants AND Irvine's!"
Laguna came over to the bed, careful not to sit in the gigantic puddle of vomit, and hugged her. "Don't worry, Selphie! When Kiros was doping Rinoa up the other day, he made sure to implant a tracking device in her scalp. We know exactly where she is right now."
"Oh, that is smart...she'll never find it in her hair; I don't think she's washed it since the Carter administration." Selphie said admiringly. "I feel a whole lot better now, except...um...what fucking HAPPENED out there?!"
"Well, from what I know, all I can surmise is that you, Irvine, and Rinoa left on foot. Quistis was mad at you, so she had been sitting in the car sulking, expecting you two to get in soon. When you still hadn't after an hour, she got out of the car, but since Kiros had drugged you all with hashish in your Cherry Cokes, she tripped out and went running naked down the street, screaming that Orson Welles was trying to eat her baby. We caught her and put her to bed, then noticed on the tracking device that Rinoa was running wild all over the continent. I figured you two had to be in some kind of trouble, so I sent Ward and Kiros out to find you, but then Kiros refused to go unless we used sled dogs. I tried pointing out to him that sled dogs don't work too well in the muddy areas you guys were in out there, but he wouldn't listen, and we had to go find some stupid fucking sled dogs, and then of course they peed all over the living room carpet and Ward got mad and threw them at Kiros, which broke Kiros's arm. So I had to go out in my Bentley and I found you all and brught you back here." Laguna said, then panted heavily.
'Oh, you sure know a whole fucking lot." Selphie quipped sarcastically.
'I'm sorry, I should be more well-informed." Laguna apologized.
"..." Ward said.
"You're right, buddy, Kiros has definitely turned into a junkie whore." Laguna sighed. "I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I keep wishing he'd find a nice, sturdy boy or girl or farm animal or something, but he's not interested."
Selphie swung her legs in a cute and childish manner, accidentally kicking Laguna in the shins. "We should set him up with Irvine!"
"Irvine? But he's not gay!" Laguna winced and rubbed his shins.
"I can NOT believe you don't think he's gay!" Selphie shrieked.
"Well, he says he isn't, and he of all people should know!" Laguna said firmly.
Selphie groaned in exhaustion and lay back down. "Are we gonna get to use the rockets?" she asked weakly. "We still have to rescue Mr. Hot Dog Man."
"Yeah, but here's the problem." Laguna moaned, rubbing his temples. "Kiros hid them all and refuses to let anyone use them until he gets laid."
"WHAT??!?! Why?!??"
"I dunno, it fit with the plot. Anyways, we have to find someone willing to screw Kiros...THEN you can use the rockets."
Suddenly, a light bulb flashed over Selphie's head.
"Oooh, a black light! Neato bandito!" Laguna said, reaching out and taking it.
"Laguna! I've got an idea!"
"Huh?"
"I know how to get Kiros laid!"
TO BE CONTINUED
"So, we've got Rin-ho-a. But how do we get Zell?" Selphie asked, "accidentally" kicking Rinoa out of Irvine's arms for the fourth time. They had left Esthar four hours ago and been walking ever since.
Irvine sighed and picked Rinoa back up, not bothering to brush the dust and mud off her. "Ah don' know, Sefie. All ah know is that I'm right tired."
"Me, too." Selphie sighed. "What about you, Q-Bitch? You tired?"
But from Quistis came no answer. Selphie spun around, arms flailing, and knocked Rinoa and Irvine over. Then she tripped over a rock and plowed face-first into the muck herself. She got a 6.3, a 5.9, a 7.1, and a miserable 4.2 from the Australian judges.
"Kangaroo-screwing pricks!"
Irvine picked himself up and stepped on Rinoa once for good measure before slinging her back over his shoulder. "AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" he said eloquently.
Selphie stomped her foot, sending a wave of mud washing over her legs again. "QUISTIS! ANSWER ME, GOD DAMMIT!"
But from Quistis there came no answer. Selphie snarled in anger and proceeded to bludgeon the hell out of-
--a tree she had mistaken for Quistis.
"OHMIGOD! We lost Quistis!" Selphie screamed.
"Oh, hell..." Irvine moaned. "An' those tranquilizers Kiros gave Rinoa are gonna wear off in less'n an hour!"
Suddenly, something dawned on Selphie. "Oh, my god, Irvine-"
"Sefie, that's real sweet 'n all, but I don't think Ah'm quite up to deity status yet."
"No, stupid! I mean...didn't we have a CAR?!"
Irvine stopped dead in the middle of a big yawn, which was not the most flattering position. A big bat flew straight into it and set up a co-op condominium with two other swinger bats. Irvine was too dumbfounded to notice, however. "And," he began, realization slowly dawning on his own face, "we can't get from Esthar to Balamb by walkin', neither!"
"Or driving." The tree added.
Irvine and Selphie stared at the tree, who rustled his leaves in a very miffed manner. "Well, excuse me for trying to help! When you're in the Forest of Really Twisted Shit, you overhear a lot of things."
"The Forest of Really Twisted Shit?!" Selphie and Irvine exclaimed together.
"What are you, a Greek chorus? I think it's pretty self-exclamatory."
Selphie shook her head. "You know what? I've become immune to sheer dementia by now. I think the aliens abducting the frat party just about did me in." She sighed. Irvine hugged her, letting Rinoa slip off into the mud again. "Tell us about the Forest of Really Twisted Shit."
"Okay!" Some chipper 1950's-Home-of-the-Future music started up out of nowhere. The tree cleared its throat (or whatever) and began his spiel: "Long ago, Sorceress Hyne-who secretly enjoyed being called 'Hienie Hyne' during intimate moments-was really, really, incredibly stoned. She claimed that a small fairy with terrible B.O. flew up to her, bonked her on the head with a magic wand, and shrieked at her, 'BITCH YOU BE TRIPPIN'!!'. She then decided to form a community made up of the demented and freakish things she had dreamed up when she was snookered, and the Forest was born."
"Wow, is that true?" Irvine asked the tree.
"God, no. Sounded pretty neat, though, didn't it?"
"Well, I have a few questions I'd like to ask you." Selphie said.
"Leroy."
"What?!"
"My name is Leroy." the tree said, a little surprised. "That is what you were going to ask me, isn't it?"
"Yeah, but how did you know?"
Two frogs climbed on Rinoa's back and began mating.
"I'm a Psychic Masochist Birch." Leroy responded. "By the way, you know how you kicked me a while back there?"
'Yeah, I'm really sorry-"
"Do it again, but harder."
Selphie blinked. "Umm...don't you think we're moving a little too fast? I mean, can't I buy you dinner first, or maybe see a movie?"
"I'm flattered, but all I really want you to do is beat the living shit out of me."
"Can I join in?" Irvine asked hungrily. Selphie stared at him in shock. Irvine's eyes burned with a lust stronger than any Selphie had ever seen, stronger than the lust that had burned in Zell's eyes when his girlfriend wore a suit made of hot dogs. He had disrobed, and was left in nothing except his cowboy hat, boots, and boxer shorts with the Powerpuff Girls printed on them. Fangirls drooled to the point of dehydration.
"Ooooh, come to Big Pimp Daddy Tree!" Leroy said. Irvine began walking towards him, excited hands tugging at his undies and pulling them down...down...down...
Rinoa leaped up out of the mud, grabbed both Squall's and Irvine's pants, and ran like Newt Gingrich at a NOW convention.
Everything around Selphie melted, and she passed out.
CHAPTER 15: YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!
Squall sighed. /Selphie's still not back yet. It's been THREE damn days now. Nobody likes me.\
His computer suddenly announced, "You've got mail!"
Squall looked over at the computer. /Hey, maybe it's from Selphie or something...\ He walked over and sat down, clicking on the little mailbox icon. /Oh, no, it's from that dickweed Laguna. Gag me. Still, maybe he's seen them...\
FROM: MrMayor2001@estharmail.com
TO: crankylittlebitch@balambgarden.edu
Squall,
People think I'm your father. Should I laugh at them, or is that too mean?
Love,
Laguna
"All your base are belong to us!"
Squall blinked, then pressed reply.
FROM: crankylittlebitch@balambgarden.edu
TO: MrMayor2001@estharmail.com
Laguna-
Laugh your ass off. If I didn't already think people were stupid, I'd sure as hell start now.
--Squall
"You are the eggman, I am the walrus, koo-koo-ka-choo."
PART 16: HANGOVERS SUCK
The first thing Selphie saw when she woke up was a big, pale blob hovering silently over her face.
"Hi, Ward," she mumbled, then threw up.
Doing that seemed to make her feel better and, when the room stopped spinning, she managed to sit up and wearily assess the situation. Irvine was curled up, sucking his thumb, in the bed next to her. Against the far wall, she was relieved to see Quistis. Actually, she heard Quistis before she saw her, because the blond was snoring like a grizzly bear in heat doing a James Earl Jones Impression.
Rinoa was nowhere to be found.
"Shit!" Selphie said, punching the mattress in anger. Ward made a move to lift her up. "No, not literally, Ward."
Laguna walked in. "Are you okay?'
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Selphie wailed, tears spilling down her face. "Not only did we lose Rinoa, but we lost Squall's pants AND Irvine's!"
Laguna came over to the bed, careful not to sit in the gigantic puddle of vomit, and hugged her. "Don't worry, Selphie! When Kiros was doping Rinoa up the other day, he made sure to implant a tracking device in her scalp. We know exactly where she is right now."
"Oh, that is smart...she'll never find it in her hair; I don't think she's washed it since the Carter administration." Selphie said admiringly. "I feel a whole lot better now, except...um...what fucking HAPPENED out there?!"
"Well, from what I know, all I can surmise is that you, Irvine, and Rinoa left on foot. Quistis was mad at you, so she had been sitting in the car sulking, expecting you two to get in soon. When you still hadn't after an hour, she got out of the car, but since Kiros had drugged you all with hashish in your Cherry Cokes, she tripped out and went running naked down the street, screaming that Orson Welles was trying to eat her baby. We caught her and put her to bed, then noticed on the tracking device that Rinoa was running wild all over the continent. I figured you two had to be in some kind of trouble, so I sent Ward and Kiros out to find you, but then Kiros refused to go unless we used sled dogs. I tried pointing out to him that sled dogs don't work too well in the muddy areas you guys were in out there, but he wouldn't listen, and we had to go find some stupid fucking sled dogs, and then of course they peed all over the living room carpet and Ward got mad and threw them at Kiros, which broke Kiros's arm. So I had to go out in my Bentley and I found you all and brught you back here." Laguna said, then panted heavily.
'Oh, you sure know a whole fucking lot." Selphie quipped sarcastically.
'I'm sorry, I should be more well-informed." Laguna apologized.
"..." Ward said.
"You're right, buddy, Kiros has definitely turned into a junkie whore." Laguna sighed. "I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I keep wishing he'd find a nice, sturdy boy or girl or farm animal or something, but he's not interested."
Selphie swung her legs in a cute and childish manner, accidentally kicking Laguna in the shins. "We should set him up with Irvine!"
"Irvine? But he's not gay!" Laguna winced and rubbed his shins.
"I can NOT believe you don't think he's gay!" Selphie shrieked.
"Well, he says he isn't, and he of all people should know!" Laguna said firmly.
Selphie groaned in exhaustion and lay back down. "Are we gonna get to use the rockets?" she asked weakly. "We still have to rescue Mr. Hot Dog Man."
"Yeah, but here's the problem." Laguna moaned, rubbing his temples. "Kiros hid them all and refuses to let anyone use them until he gets laid."
"WHAT??!?! Why?!??"
"I dunno, it fit with the plot. Anyways, we have to find someone willing to screw Kiros...THEN you can use the rockets."
Suddenly, a light bulb flashed over Selphie's head.
"Oooh, a black light! Neato bandito!" Laguna said, reaching out and taking it.
"Laguna! I've got an idea!"
"Huh?"
"I know how to get Kiros laid!"
TO BE CONTINUED