I fell into a heap and burst into tears. Seeing him leave like that, so abruptly, made me realize everything I'd missed by not seeing him at all the past 3 years. If only I'd helped him somehow, maybe he could have been the Jake I wanted, the Jake who had proposed to me so long ago. Oh, how I wished things could be how they were before...well, before.
**FLASHBACK**
"Don't look," I hissed. "It's Jake."
"I can't look at my own cousin?"
"You can look, just don't look, that's all I'm saying."
"You mean, don't look at him in a way that will somehow convey to him that you are hot for him? That you want his lips pressed against yours? That you want his big, strong arms wrapped all around you?"
"Yeah, Rachel, that's what I meant. That is exactly what I meant."
**FLASHBACK END**
Oh, god. I never realized how much I missed that childish mutual crush we had. I never saw how much the war had really changed us. I just lived and accepted the reality we'd come to know as normal. But our relationship definitely changed. I almost wish it hadn't ended, just so that Jake and I could still be together.
**FLASHBACK**
Jake was dead. No, he wasn't! I wouldn't believe it. But I'd seen him go down with that Howler...
Prince Jake!>
I looked up. And he was there. I ran to him as he came toward me. There wasn't a single thought in my head except, 'He's alive!' I jumped into his arms and before I knew it our lips were pressed together in the sweetest moment of my life.
**FLASHBACK END**
No! I couldn't handle it anymore! Just remembering someone alive was hard enough. I wouldn't be able to handle it if it turned to Rachel. I'd avoided thinking about her, convincing myself she'd want us to go on with life, but I of all people knew that you can't hide from emotion. It's inevitable. It will find you and attack, no matter how hard you try to hide.
**FLASHBACK**
"I'm working." I said grumpily. "Maybe you should try it sometime."
Rachel wasn't at all offended. "I just have two words for you, Cassie: Ralph. Lauren. It's one thing to wallow in dirt, but do you have to do it while wearing boys' jeans from Wal-Mart? That's why we have Ralph Lauren. For the outdoorsy types."
I slid to the ground. Then I grabbed a dirt clod near my feet. "Come here. I just want to see if it's even possible for dirt to cling to you."
"Do not throw that dirt clod at me."
"It's an experiment. I have to know whether you're really human! You're like the Undead. Only you're the Un-Dirty!"
I did a gentle, underhand lob of the dirt clod. Rachel calmly snatched it out of the air and let it drop.
"Okay, show me your hand," I demanded. "That was wet dirt. It should have stuck to your palm."
Rachel laughed and refused to show me her hand. "So here we are. It's a beautiful Saturday morning. We have no mission, at least as far as I've heard. You going to work the rest of the day? Or are you going to come with me to the mall, buy a new bathing suit, and then come with me to the beach? I need to refresh my tan."
"My tan is already pretty fresh," I said. "And I do not want to spend the day baking in the sun while you look at guys. I have stuff to do." Then I reconsidered. "Okay, I'm not a beach person, but this day is too good to waste. I'll go with you. I'll just go find a pair of my mom's Bermuda shorts to wear. The big, striped ones."
The look on Rachel's face was perfect: horror struggling with disbelief.
"Kidding," I said. "Just kidding. I'll go get my suit. You are so easy, sometimes."
**FLASHBACK END**
I vaguely wondered what had happened to Ronnie. He would usually be by my side in an instant, comforting me. I was sure my sobs could be heard for miles around, and, frankly, I didn't care. Let the world know about the anguish being a world hero will bring on you. At that moment, I wished with all my heart and more that I could have things like they used to be, with Jake and Rachel here. For that silly little crush Jake and I shared, with Rachel on the sidelines, pushing it along...
**FLASHBACK**
Jake saw us coming and looked like he wanted to hide. It suddenly occurred to me that he'd never seen me in a bathing suit. Now I wanted to hide.
"Hi!" he said, giving a little wave and keeping his eyes rock-steady on my face.
"Oh, man, this has got to be trouble," Rachel said, loudly enough for Jake to hear. "Okay, Jake, whose butt do we have to go and kick?"
Normally he would have smiled. But he just swallowed, darted a look at the rest of me, blushed, and once again, grimly focused on my face.
"He think I look dumpy," I muttered to Rachel under my breath.
"Cassie, you are so hopeless. What you know about guys could fit on the head of a pin. Good grief. That is not a 'she looks dumpy' look. That's a 'whoa, she looks hot, but I better not show any reaction or she'll get offended' look."
**FLASHBACK END**
Oh, man, I was going nuts. Insane, as Marco would say. I just wanted it to leave me alone! I hated remembering. Like I once told Jake, I'd never forget, or even try, but that doesn't mean that I enjoy remembering. In fact, if I didn't have to remember anything about the war in detail for the rest of my life, I'd be convinced I was in paradise. That conversation may have been the biggest mistake of my life. If only I'd said something differently. If only.
**FLASHBACK**
"Cassie, you ever wonder what happens if we win? you ever think about that?"
What kind of a question was that? Of course! "All the time."
"Nothing will ever be the same. People will know the galaxy is full of life, full of intelligent species. We'll have this huge rush of technological change. There'll be nothing to stop us from being a space-traveling species. Humans on the moon, on Mars, maybe colonizing planets all around the galaxy. Can you imagine what that's going to mean?"
Not exactly the part I was thinking about. But I nodded. "I guess I don't think about that stuff so much. I guess I think more about us. You and me. And all of us."
He wrapped his arms around me. In that cage, in Jake's arms, I felt just about as safe as I'd ever be before this would end. "You know I love you," Jake said quietly, almost sounding wistful.
"I love you too, Jake." I layed my head on his shoulder, wishing we could just evaporate there forever.
And then he said it. "I guess if we win, if we survive, maybe we should, you know, get married and all. I mean, eventually. I know we're young, but man, we've been through enough that it should count for a few extra years, shouldn't it?"
I didn't expect to start crying. And, from the look on Jake's face, he didn't either. It just seemed so impossible. "I would like that...eventually."
He knew where I was heading. "But. But what?"
I sighed, wishing that I didn't have to say this. "But, Jake, what are you going to be? What are you going to do?"
"Guess I thought I'd go to college."
"And study what, Jake? Me, I'll go to college, I'll become a doctor. I'll never forget what's happened, I'll never even try, but I'll be able to slip back into a normal life. But you, Jake?" I worried so much about him.
He shrugged and stepped away a litte. "I'm not Rachel, you know. I didn't fall in love with the fight. I don't need it like she does. I do it, I try and do it well, but it's just a job, a duty." He was trying so desperately. "I mean, wht do you think? The Pentagon is going to call me up and make me Chairman of the Joint Cheifs of Staff? I'm not even old enough to enlist as a private." I stayed silent, not quite sure how to respond. "Look, Cassie, when this is over I'll be done with it forever. I'll go back to school, get an education, go to basketball games, get a driver's license, go to college, figure out what it is I really want to do. And be with you. You and me."
It was so sweet. But I knew that after this was over, whatever happened, it wouldn't be like he thought. There would be consequences. But I wanted it so much. I tried to smile for him. "A year after it ends, if it ends, if we win, a year afterward if you want to be with me, we'll talk about that again, okay?"
"I have to wait a year? Kind of harsh isn't it?"
I know how you feel, Jake. But it would all be for the best. I tried to make a joke out of it. "Hey, if we get married, is Marco going to live with us?" A lame attempt. It didn't work, didn't even make sense. And it was at that moment that I knew I had made the biggest mistake of a lifetime.
**FLASHBACK END**
And, now, all of a sudden, I knew what to do.
A/N: Mwa! Haha! Cliffhanger! Um...right. Well, if there's any mistakes in the flashbacks, I'm sorry. (and I did change a few things.) Review? I..um...feed the reviews I get to my Muse. So it'll help me write more, better, and faster. (Especially if they have suggestions or guesses.) Oh, yeah. Don't own nothin' here.