This random story came about 'coz I'm bored.. and I haven't written in awhile.. well, written/completed anything in awhile. I've Felt The Same is now 50k and I dunno if it's even half done yet. ~.~ May as well break it into parts.. *sigh* Ah well. Enjoy this random story.
Notes: Shounen-ai, angst (dark).
Further Notes: All right already, I'm labling it AU! Yes, I know Towa lives alone. Yes, I know he has no family. Yes, I make mistakes too! -.- So this is AU. Clear? Alternate Universe. x.X I'm not targeting this at any one person, but EVERYONE has been on me about this. So, now it's CLEARLY labled. AU.
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Sleepover
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Atsuro was feeling decidedly nervous. He frowned at himself as he rang the doorbell of Towa's house. [What's with you?] he asked himself irritatibly. [It's not like you've never spent the night at your -best friend's- house. Geez, Atsuro, you'd think you were stepping into a death trap.]
Towa answered the door and smiled. 'Hey. Come on in." He stepped back, allowing Atsuro to walk in.
"Thanks, Towa." He took his shoes off and smiled at the blonde. "This'll be fun. We haven't had a sleepover in a long time!"
"We've been busy, I guess," Towa replied, closing the door and leading the way up to his room. "Oh, my parents are out, and my sister's spending the night at a friend's, so we have the house to ourselves."
Towa's words sent a jolt through Atsuro, who mentally kicked himself. Again. [What is UP with you?! Get a grip, Atsuro! Seriously!] "Cool," the redhead said. "Guess it's a good thing I brought my guitar!"
"Aa," Towa replied with a grin. "We could practice some. But first, we should get our studying out of the way."
Atsuro groaned, but nodded and sat down on the floor in his best friend's room, pulling his backpack off and ruffling through it. "Hai, hai.. let's see.. all I have is American History tonight."
Towa sat in his desk chair and leaned back. "That's easy, Atsuro. I've got trigonometry."
"That's what you get for being advanced," Atsuro teased, pulling his notebook out.
Towa sighed dramatically. "Yes, well, I can't help being both smart -and- beautiful."
Atsuro laughed. "And the fact that you look better in a skirt than most of the girls at our school?"
The blonde grinned. "That too.'
A comfortable silence fell between them as they started their homework. Atsuro couldn't help but glance at Towa every now and then, admiring him and denying the fact that he was. The graceful boy wore jeans that were too big for him by a couple sizes, but somehow managed to stay on. They had lots of pockets in them, and Atsuro wondered what the use of so many pockets could possibly be. He also wore a black t-shirt with a hood that laced up in the front, made of some soft fuzzy material.
Turning his head back to his homework, Atsuro chided himself. Again. [Okay, Kiryuu. I know you have a crush on him. Fine. That's all well and good. You can admire him all you want, but DO. NOT. GO. FARTHER. THAN. THAT. Your father would kill you, and his father would kill -him-, and THEN where would you be? Dead, that's where!]
Atsuro didn't notice Towa was talking to him until the blonde had nearly completed his sentance. " - a movie?"
"Er, gomen, what'd you say?" Atsuro looked up at his friend, pretending he'd been absorbed in the history text.
Towa smirked. "Welcome back. You were staring at the wall with a far-away look in your eyes. I asked you if you want to watch a movie tonight."
Atsuro shrugged. "Sure. We could order out, too."
The blonde stretched his long legs out under the desk and put his arms behind his head, gazing up at the ceiling. "Sure, I was thinking about that too. I'm starving."
"You're always hungry," Atsuro teased. 'I don't know how you manage to stay so damn skinny."
Towa laughed. "Running away from our fans helps. Demo, I don't like to eat when everyone else around me isn't, so half the time when I'm hungry, I just ignore it."
Atsuro raised his eyebrow. "You should eat," he commented. "You know I won't care."
Towa shrugged slightly. "I know. It still bothers me, though. You done with your homework?"
Atsuro looked down at the worksheet and realized guiltily that he'd only answered one question. "Ah, no. Not yet."
"Hm. Okay. Tell you what, why don't you finish while I order the food. The usual?" Towa stood up and walked to the door.
"Sure," Atsuro replied, trying -hard- to look anywhere but at his friend. [Okay. Something is definately weird tonight. It's -tense- in here.. and not only from my angle!]
Towa left, and Atsuro sighed, leaning back until he was laying on the floor. He stared up at the ceiling. "Uncool," he muttered, looking around randomly. His eyes landed on a half-opened drawer in Towa's desk, and a book poking out of it. He blinked and told himself he shouldn't poke through Towa's stuff, but.. curiosity got the better of him. He plucked it out and looked at it. Just a plain spiral-bound notebook.. probably for school.
Unable to resist, he opened it, and blinked when he saw it full of his best friend's elegant handwriting. He flipped through a few of the pages, then smiled. [Ah, it must be a story. Towa loves to write.] He skipped to farther in the notebook and blinked when he saw his name written down. [Hmmm?..]
'Atsuro is coming over tonight,' the redhead read silently. 'I feel nervous. Maybe.. maybe something will -finally- happen tonight and give me an excuse to tell him how I really feel about him.'
The guitarist nearly dropped the notebook. [He.. likes me?!.. like -that-? The same way I like him?] He continued reading. 'I keep giving myself random excuses to touch him.. "accidently" brushing against him, tucking his hair behind his ears.. things like that. Sometimes I feel like I'm so obvious, I wonder why he hasn't noticed yet. But he hasn't. I don't know if I'm glad or if I could cry about it.'
Atsuro put the notebook back where he found it quickly and flopped down again, staring at his history notebook in shock. [Towa.. likes.. me. He has a crush on me. Oh, gods..]
"Atsuro!" Towa called.
Atsuro gulped. 'Hai!" he yelled back, putting his stuff down and running down the stairs. [I hope I don't blush when I see him. Please don't let him realize I read that notebook!]
Towa leaned on the wall holding the phonebook in one hand and the phone in the other. He looked slightly annoyed. "The Chinese resteraunt we always order from is closed. Some random Chinese holiday, I guess. Got a second choice?"
Atsuro blinked. "Pizza?" he asked.
Towa chuckled. 'I figured you'd say that. Sure, it's fine with me. What do you want on it?"
The redhead thought for a minute. "Um.. whatever works," he finally said. "Why don't you choose this time."'
Towa blinked. "Okay, then," he said. "Supreme it is."
Atsuro wandered into the living room and sat down on the couch, staring at the coffee table. [I guess I have a choice,] he thought. [I could blurt out the truth.. or I could be subtle about it. I definately don't want him mad at me if he realizes how I found him out.]
He heard Towa ordering the food, and five minutes later, the blonde walked in and flopped down in a chair. He stretched out again, and his shirt rode high enough for Atsuro to get a good glimpse of pale, smooth skin. "Should be about fourty-five minutes," he said.
"Okay," Atsuro replied, leaning back in the couch as well. It kept his eyes off of Towa, at least.. for the moment, anyway.
The phone rang, and Towa got up to get it. Atsuro remained in the living room, staring at the skylight in the ceiling. Towa's family had a very nice house. A few minutes later, he came back, looking irritated. "My little sister forgot her pajamas, so I have to run them over to her. I don't know how long it'll take, since she's on the other side of the city. Will you wait here for the pizza? There's money on the table by the door, as usual."
Atsuro nodded. "Okay," he said. Again. "See you later, Towa."
Towa smiled and nodded. "Shouldn't be too long," he replied. "I hope." He went upstairs to get his sister's pjs, then ran out the door.
Atsuro remained still for a moment, then started fidgiting. [I shouldn't. I really shouldn't.. oh gods, I have to know.] He jumped up and ran up the stairs, entering Towa's room and going straight for the little blue notebook. He flipped it open again and started reading.
'I don't know when I started thinking of Atsuro as more than a friend,' Towa wrote. 'I just.. woke up one day, over at his house, and I looked at him while he was sleeping, and I just.. realized it. I want him. Not just his body, either, although that is -definately- part of it.. he's smart, funny, kind.. everything I need, even in a friend. He supports me more than he realizes. When things get bad at home, I just go over to his house, and his family makes me feel welcome. I love it over at his house. It's so relaxed.. clean, but -just- messy enough that it's comfortable. Not like -my- house, where everything must be clean or my mother has a heart attack.'
Atsuro bit his lip and turned the page. The entries seemed to have no particular order, and they weren't dated. It was like Towa just opened the book and started writing, not caring where his stuff ended up.
'Things are getting really bad here. I invited Atsuro over to spend the night tomorrow, since we haven't done that in a long time.' Atsuro paused, nodding to himself. This must have been written yesterday. 'I don't know what to do. My parents fight more and more. This time.. my father's anger was directed at me. I'm glad. I'd rather he beat me up than my mother or my little sister. 'kaasan won't defend herself, and Rika-chan is too small to do anything about it. As long as he focuses on me, they won't be hurt. As long as I can keep his attention away from them.. I'll do anything. Father was drunk, again, and he was yelling at my mother for something. I intervened, and he started in on me - calling me a fag, a dirty whore, and so on. I just stood there and took it, letting my mind blank out as I always do when he yells. But it wasn't quite as easy last night. He grabbed me by the hair and twisted my head around, then he started hitting me. He never hits my face; that would be visable. He grabbed a knife and threatened to cut my hair off, but 'kaasan intervened and saved my hair.
'I kind of wish I'd been brave enough to throw the -truth- in his face. To tell him yes, I am gay, and no, I do not whore myself. How could I do something like that?! I'd much rather keep myself for the person I love than just go out and screw any boy who happens to look my way. Oh, and there are plenty of them, too. At school, on the street, at concerts.. they're everywhere. Oh yes, father, I am -such- a whore.. keeping myself pure and clean for the one person in the world who -matters- to me. Kiryuu Atsuro.'
Atsuro slowly lowered the book and stared blankly at the open window. A slight breeze came in, ruffling the curtains and his hair. [Oh, Towa,] he thought, feeling sad and sick at the same time. [You never told me any of this. When bad things happened to you.. you never -told- me.]
The wind blew the pages of the notebook around, opened to a new page. Atsuro looked down at it. As if by answer to his statement, the entry dealt with that very subject.
'I can't tell Atsuro what happens at my house. I think it would sicken him to know that my father's an alcoholic bastard who rapes his own wife - as well as beating her - and beats his children. Every day, I just smile and pretend to be cheerful, all the while making up excuses as to why he can't come over to my house. Every day, I want to die a little more.. I have no idea how long it will be until I decide to go through with it. I don't know what's stopping me.'
Unable to read anymore, Atsuro stuffed the notebook back in the drawer and flopped face-first onto Towa's bed, hiding his face in his best friend's pillow to keep from crying. [Suicide. Gods, Towa's thinking about -suicide-!]
Atsuro didn't know how long he'd lain there in Towa's bed, trying not to cry, trying not to do anything. He was roused from his half-daze when he heard the doorbell. [Oh yeah. Pizza.] He went downstairs and paid for the food, then put the pizza on the table and sat in a kitchen chair, staring at the box. [Towa..]
A few minutes later, the door opened. "Tadaima," a familiar voice called out. "Atsuro?"
"Hai," Atsuro called back from the kitchen. "The pizza just got here."
Towa appeared in the door to the kitchen, grinning. 'Oh, good. I'm -famished-. How about you?"
Atsuro nodded. "Aa, me too." [At least I was, before I read that notebook,] he thought dully. [Gods, I have to talk to him about this.. but -how-..]
Towa dished out the pizza and handed him a plate. "There ya go. Enjoy. Want to eat and watch a movie at the same time?"
"Sure," Atsuro replied. The movie would give him a good excuse as to why he wasn't talking. He needed to -think-. A lot.
The two friends settled down on the couch. Towa put a DVD in and hit 'play'. "I don't know how good this is," he said. 'I haven't seen it yet. It's supposed to be scary."
"Okay," Atsuro replied absently, picking at his pizza. The movie started, and Atsuro soon found himself paying more attention to his friend than to his thoughts. [Poor Towa,] he thought. [He looks so serene.. like none of those horrible things are happening to him. I just want to hold him tight and tell him everything will be okay..]
About an hour later, the pizza plates were on the coffee table, said pizza devoured. Atsuro realized that he had indeed been hungry. He pretended to watch the movie while he mused about Towa. On the screen, the movie was reaching its climax, and Towa was inching closer and closer to him. When the killer jumped out on screen, Towa yelped and hid his face in Atsuro's shoulder.
Atsuro blinked and looked at his friend. "Oi, why are we watching a scary movie if it's so scary you can't watch it?"
Towa lifted dark green eyes to look at his best friend. 'It seemed like a good idea at the time?" he asked, smiling shakily.
The redhead chuckled and shook his head. "Come on, turn it off," he said. "Let's go back upstairs."
Towa nodded and turned the TV off. They took their plates to the kitchen, then they went back up to Towa's room. The blonde shut the door behind them and flopped onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. "Whew. That movie wasn't that good, anyway."
Atsuro leaned against the bed. Against his will, his eyes strayed to the desk drawer again. [I should tell him,] he thought, feeling butterflies in his stomach. [I should get it over with.. but maybe, if there's a different way..]
"Na, Towa," he said, still looking at the desk drawer. "Is everything okay with you?"
Towa blinked and rolled over onto his side, looking down at his friend. "Of course," he said, confusion written on his delicate features. However, he couldn't hide the shadows in his eyes. Atsuro wouldn't have even looked for them had he not read that notebook. "Why do you ask?"
Atsuro shrugged slightly. "I'm curious. You seem.. different." [You didn't notice a difference,] Atsuro scolded himself. [Baka.]
"Different?" Towa frowned slightly, following Atsuro's gaze. His eyes widened and he sat bolt upright. "Atsuro, did you..?!"
[Oh, great, NOW you've done it.] "I - I didn't really mean to, I was curious.. I'm sorry!" He turned around to look at his friend, and gasped. Towa was pale and shaking, staring at his quilt. "Towa!" He scrambled up onto the bed and pulled the blonde close, no longer thinking about the concequences of his actions. "Please, don't be upset, I'm not mad at you! I mean, I.. I feel the same way, Towa!"
Towa tensed in his arms, then suddenly went limp against him. He put his arms around his best friend and held him tightly. "Atsuro," he managed to get out in a choked voice.
"Shh, Towa, I'm here," Atsuro murmured. "Cry if you need to.. I'm here.." He rocked the blonde gently while he cried, his whole body shaking with the force of his sobs.
Finally, Towa seemed to run out of tears. He sniffled and stirred slightly, and Atsuro gently let go. "Are you okay now?"
Towa moved back a bit and nodded, wiping his eyes. "Aa. Thank you." He bit his lip and looked away, then looked back at Atsuro. "How much.. did you read?"
Atsuro gently reached out and took Towa's hand, squeezing it comfortingly. "Enough," he said softly. "Towa.. you could have told me.. you could stay at my house. You know my family won't care."
The blonde lowered his head, letting his hair hide his face. "I was ashamed," he said faintly. 'My own father.. gods, Atsuro, I thought you'd be -disgusted- with me. I know.. you always knew I wasn't straight, but.. I thought it would sicken you if you knew I.. wanted to be with you."
"Not at all, Towa," Atsuro whispered. "I want to be with you, too. I've known for quite awhile, I just.. couldn't tell you. Please, let me help you.."
Towa shuddered and moved forward, needing Atsuro's strength. Atsuro held him close, laying back in the bed so they'd be comfortable. Towa rested his head on his new boyfriend's chest, listening to the steady sound of his heartbeat. "Atsuro," he murmured. "Thank you. I feel.. worlds better."
"You're welcome," Atsuro replied. "I feel better too, knowing I don't have to hide my feelings from you anymore."
Towa moved up slowly and brushed his lips across Atsuro's cheek in a gentle caress. "No. You don't. And I don't have to hide from you, either."
Atsuro held him close, rolling onto his side. The taller boy tucked his head under his love's chin and closed his eyes. "This has been the best sleepover of my life," Atsuro murmured. "Thanks for inviting me over, Towa."
The blonde sighed and pulled the covers over them. "Don't mention it," he murmured. "Oyasumi.. aisuru."
Atsuro blushed and hugged Towa tigtly. "Oyasumi, itoushi."
***********
The End
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Be looking for a sequal if I get enough positive feedback.
-- Cheyne
cheyne@everlastingstory.net
1:42 PM 8/14/01
Notes: Shounen-ai, angst (dark).
Further Notes: All right already, I'm labling it AU! Yes, I know Towa lives alone. Yes, I know he has no family. Yes, I make mistakes too! -.- So this is AU. Clear? Alternate Universe. x.X I'm not targeting this at any one person, but EVERYONE has been on me about this. So, now it's CLEARLY labled. AU.
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Sleepover
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Atsuro was feeling decidedly nervous. He frowned at himself as he rang the doorbell of Towa's house. [What's with you?] he asked himself irritatibly. [It's not like you've never spent the night at your -best friend's- house. Geez, Atsuro, you'd think you were stepping into a death trap.]
Towa answered the door and smiled. 'Hey. Come on in." He stepped back, allowing Atsuro to walk in.
"Thanks, Towa." He took his shoes off and smiled at the blonde. "This'll be fun. We haven't had a sleepover in a long time!"
"We've been busy, I guess," Towa replied, closing the door and leading the way up to his room. "Oh, my parents are out, and my sister's spending the night at a friend's, so we have the house to ourselves."
Towa's words sent a jolt through Atsuro, who mentally kicked himself. Again. [What is UP with you?! Get a grip, Atsuro! Seriously!] "Cool," the redhead said. "Guess it's a good thing I brought my guitar!"
"Aa," Towa replied with a grin. "We could practice some. But first, we should get our studying out of the way."
Atsuro groaned, but nodded and sat down on the floor in his best friend's room, pulling his backpack off and ruffling through it. "Hai, hai.. let's see.. all I have is American History tonight."
Towa sat in his desk chair and leaned back. "That's easy, Atsuro. I've got trigonometry."
"That's what you get for being advanced," Atsuro teased, pulling his notebook out.
Towa sighed dramatically. "Yes, well, I can't help being both smart -and- beautiful."
Atsuro laughed. "And the fact that you look better in a skirt than most of the girls at our school?"
The blonde grinned. "That too.'
A comfortable silence fell between them as they started their homework. Atsuro couldn't help but glance at Towa every now and then, admiring him and denying the fact that he was. The graceful boy wore jeans that were too big for him by a couple sizes, but somehow managed to stay on. They had lots of pockets in them, and Atsuro wondered what the use of so many pockets could possibly be. He also wore a black t-shirt with a hood that laced up in the front, made of some soft fuzzy material.
Turning his head back to his homework, Atsuro chided himself. Again. [Okay, Kiryuu. I know you have a crush on him. Fine. That's all well and good. You can admire him all you want, but DO. NOT. GO. FARTHER. THAN. THAT. Your father would kill you, and his father would kill -him-, and THEN where would you be? Dead, that's where!]
Atsuro didn't notice Towa was talking to him until the blonde had nearly completed his sentance. " - a movie?"
"Er, gomen, what'd you say?" Atsuro looked up at his friend, pretending he'd been absorbed in the history text.
Towa smirked. "Welcome back. You were staring at the wall with a far-away look in your eyes. I asked you if you want to watch a movie tonight."
Atsuro shrugged. "Sure. We could order out, too."
The blonde stretched his long legs out under the desk and put his arms behind his head, gazing up at the ceiling. "Sure, I was thinking about that too. I'm starving."
"You're always hungry," Atsuro teased. 'I don't know how you manage to stay so damn skinny."
Towa laughed. "Running away from our fans helps. Demo, I don't like to eat when everyone else around me isn't, so half the time when I'm hungry, I just ignore it."
Atsuro raised his eyebrow. "You should eat," he commented. "You know I won't care."
Towa shrugged slightly. "I know. It still bothers me, though. You done with your homework?"
Atsuro looked down at the worksheet and realized guiltily that he'd only answered one question. "Ah, no. Not yet."
"Hm. Okay. Tell you what, why don't you finish while I order the food. The usual?" Towa stood up and walked to the door.
"Sure," Atsuro replied, trying -hard- to look anywhere but at his friend. [Okay. Something is definately weird tonight. It's -tense- in here.. and not only from my angle!]
Towa left, and Atsuro sighed, leaning back until he was laying on the floor. He stared up at the ceiling. "Uncool," he muttered, looking around randomly. His eyes landed on a half-opened drawer in Towa's desk, and a book poking out of it. He blinked and told himself he shouldn't poke through Towa's stuff, but.. curiosity got the better of him. He plucked it out and looked at it. Just a plain spiral-bound notebook.. probably for school.
Unable to resist, he opened it, and blinked when he saw it full of his best friend's elegant handwriting. He flipped through a few of the pages, then smiled. [Ah, it must be a story. Towa loves to write.] He skipped to farther in the notebook and blinked when he saw his name written down. [Hmmm?..]
'Atsuro is coming over tonight,' the redhead read silently. 'I feel nervous. Maybe.. maybe something will -finally- happen tonight and give me an excuse to tell him how I really feel about him.'
The guitarist nearly dropped the notebook. [He.. likes me?!.. like -that-? The same way I like him?] He continued reading. 'I keep giving myself random excuses to touch him.. "accidently" brushing against him, tucking his hair behind his ears.. things like that. Sometimes I feel like I'm so obvious, I wonder why he hasn't noticed yet. But he hasn't. I don't know if I'm glad or if I could cry about it.'
Atsuro put the notebook back where he found it quickly and flopped down again, staring at his history notebook in shock. [Towa.. likes.. me. He has a crush on me. Oh, gods..]
"Atsuro!" Towa called.
Atsuro gulped. 'Hai!" he yelled back, putting his stuff down and running down the stairs. [I hope I don't blush when I see him. Please don't let him realize I read that notebook!]
Towa leaned on the wall holding the phonebook in one hand and the phone in the other. He looked slightly annoyed. "The Chinese resteraunt we always order from is closed. Some random Chinese holiday, I guess. Got a second choice?"
Atsuro blinked. "Pizza?" he asked.
Towa chuckled. 'I figured you'd say that. Sure, it's fine with me. What do you want on it?"
The redhead thought for a minute. "Um.. whatever works," he finally said. "Why don't you choose this time."'
Towa blinked. "Okay, then," he said. "Supreme it is."
Atsuro wandered into the living room and sat down on the couch, staring at the coffee table. [I guess I have a choice,] he thought. [I could blurt out the truth.. or I could be subtle about it. I definately don't want him mad at me if he realizes how I found him out.]
He heard Towa ordering the food, and five minutes later, the blonde walked in and flopped down in a chair. He stretched out again, and his shirt rode high enough for Atsuro to get a good glimpse of pale, smooth skin. "Should be about fourty-five minutes," he said.
"Okay," Atsuro replied, leaning back in the couch as well. It kept his eyes off of Towa, at least.. for the moment, anyway.
The phone rang, and Towa got up to get it. Atsuro remained in the living room, staring at the skylight in the ceiling. Towa's family had a very nice house. A few minutes later, he came back, looking irritated. "My little sister forgot her pajamas, so I have to run them over to her. I don't know how long it'll take, since she's on the other side of the city. Will you wait here for the pizza? There's money on the table by the door, as usual."
Atsuro nodded. "Okay," he said. Again. "See you later, Towa."
Towa smiled and nodded. "Shouldn't be too long," he replied. "I hope." He went upstairs to get his sister's pjs, then ran out the door.
Atsuro remained still for a moment, then started fidgiting. [I shouldn't. I really shouldn't.. oh gods, I have to know.] He jumped up and ran up the stairs, entering Towa's room and going straight for the little blue notebook. He flipped it open again and started reading.
'I don't know when I started thinking of Atsuro as more than a friend,' Towa wrote. 'I just.. woke up one day, over at his house, and I looked at him while he was sleeping, and I just.. realized it. I want him. Not just his body, either, although that is -definately- part of it.. he's smart, funny, kind.. everything I need, even in a friend. He supports me more than he realizes. When things get bad at home, I just go over to his house, and his family makes me feel welcome. I love it over at his house. It's so relaxed.. clean, but -just- messy enough that it's comfortable. Not like -my- house, where everything must be clean or my mother has a heart attack.'
Atsuro bit his lip and turned the page. The entries seemed to have no particular order, and they weren't dated. It was like Towa just opened the book and started writing, not caring where his stuff ended up.
'Things are getting really bad here. I invited Atsuro over to spend the night tomorrow, since we haven't done that in a long time.' Atsuro paused, nodding to himself. This must have been written yesterday. 'I don't know what to do. My parents fight more and more. This time.. my father's anger was directed at me. I'm glad. I'd rather he beat me up than my mother or my little sister. 'kaasan won't defend herself, and Rika-chan is too small to do anything about it. As long as he focuses on me, they won't be hurt. As long as I can keep his attention away from them.. I'll do anything. Father was drunk, again, and he was yelling at my mother for something. I intervened, and he started in on me - calling me a fag, a dirty whore, and so on. I just stood there and took it, letting my mind blank out as I always do when he yells. But it wasn't quite as easy last night. He grabbed me by the hair and twisted my head around, then he started hitting me. He never hits my face; that would be visable. He grabbed a knife and threatened to cut my hair off, but 'kaasan intervened and saved my hair.
'I kind of wish I'd been brave enough to throw the -truth- in his face. To tell him yes, I am gay, and no, I do not whore myself. How could I do something like that?! I'd much rather keep myself for the person I love than just go out and screw any boy who happens to look my way. Oh, and there are plenty of them, too. At school, on the street, at concerts.. they're everywhere. Oh yes, father, I am -such- a whore.. keeping myself pure and clean for the one person in the world who -matters- to me. Kiryuu Atsuro.'
Atsuro slowly lowered the book and stared blankly at the open window. A slight breeze came in, ruffling the curtains and his hair. [Oh, Towa,] he thought, feeling sad and sick at the same time. [You never told me any of this. When bad things happened to you.. you never -told- me.]
The wind blew the pages of the notebook around, opened to a new page. Atsuro looked down at it. As if by answer to his statement, the entry dealt with that very subject.
'I can't tell Atsuro what happens at my house. I think it would sicken him to know that my father's an alcoholic bastard who rapes his own wife - as well as beating her - and beats his children. Every day, I just smile and pretend to be cheerful, all the while making up excuses as to why he can't come over to my house. Every day, I want to die a little more.. I have no idea how long it will be until I decide to go through with it. I don't know what's stopping me.'
Unable to read anymore, Atsuro stuffed the notebook back in the drawer and flopped face-first onto Towa's bed, hiding his face in his best friend's pillow to keep from crying. [Suicide. Gods, Towa's thinking about -suicide-!]
Atsuro didn't know how long he'd lain there in Towa's bed, trying not to cry, trying not to do anything. He was roused from his half-daze when he heard the doorbell. [Oh yeah. Pizza.] He went downstairs and paid for the food, then put the pizza on the table and sat in a kitchen chair, staring at the box. [Towa..]
A few minutes later, the door opened. "Tadaima," a familiar voice called out. "Atsuro?"
"Hai," Atsuro called back from the kitchen. "The pizza just got here."
Towa appeared in the door to the kitchen, grinning. 'Oh, good. I'm -famished-. How about you?"
Atsuro nodded. "Aa, me too." [At least I was, before I read that notebook,] he thought dully. [Gods, I have to talk to him about this.. but -how-..]
Towa dished out the pizza and handed him a plate. "There ya go. Enjoy. Want to eat and watch a movie at the same time?"
"Sure," Atsuro replied. The movie would give him a good excuse as to why he wasn't talking. He needed to -think-. A lot.
The two friends settled down on the couch. Towa put a DVD in and hit 'play'. "I don't know how good this is," he said. 'I haven't seen it yet. It's supposed to be scary."
"Okay," Atsuro replied absently, picking at his pizza. The movie started, and Atsuro soon found himself paying more attention to his friend than to his thoughts. [Poor Towa,] he thought. [He looks so serene.. like none of those horrible things are happening to him. I just want to hold him tight and tell him everything will be okay..]
About an hour later, the pizza plates were on the coffee table, said pizza devoured. Atsuro realized that he had indeed been hungry. He pretended to watch the movie while he mused about Towa. On the screen, the movie was reaching its climax, and Towa was inching closer and closer to him. When the killer jumped out on screen, Towa yelped and hid his face in Atsuro's shoulder.
Atsuro blinked and looked at his friend. "Oi, why are we watching a scary movie if it's so scary you can't watch it?"
Towa lifted dark green eyes to look at his best friend. 'It seemed like a good idea at the time?" he asked, smiling shakily.
The redhead chuckled and shook his head. "Come on, turn it off," he said. "Let's go back upstairs."
Towa nodded and turned the TV off. They took their plates to the kitchen, then they went back up to Towa's room. The blonde shut the door behind them and flopped onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. "Whew. That movie wasn't that good, anyway."
Atsuro leaned against the bed. Against his will, his eyes strayed to the desk drawer again. [I should tell him,] he thought, feeling butterflies in his stomach. [I should get it over with.. but maybe, if there's a different way..]
"Na, Towa," he said, still looking at the desk drawer. "Is everything okay with you?"
Towa blinked and rolled over onto his side, looking down at his friend. "Of course," he said, confusion written on his delicate features. However, he couldn't hide the shadows in his eyes. Atsuro wouldn't have even looked for them had he not read that notebook. "Why do you ask?"
Atsuro shrugged slightly. "I'm curious. You seem.. different." [You didn't notice a difference,] Atsuro scolded himself. [Baka.]
"Different?" Towa frowned slightly, following Atsuro's gaze. His eyes widened and he sat bolt upright. "Atsuro, did you..?!"
[Oh, great, NOW you've done it.] "I - I didn't really mean to, I was curious.. I'm sorry!" He turned around to look at his friend, and gasped. Towa was pale and shaking, staring at his quilt. "Towa!" He scrambled up onto the bed and pulled the blonde close, no longer thinking about the concequences of his actions. "Please, don't be upset, I'm not mad at you! I mean, I.. I feel the same way, Towa!"
Towa tensed in his arms, then suddenly went limp against him. He put his arms around his best friend and held him tightly. "Atsuro," he managed to get out in a choked voice.
"Shh, Towa, I'm here," Atsuro murmured. "Cry if you need to.. I'm here.." He rocked the blonde gently while he cried, his whole body shaking with the force of his sobs.
Finally, Towa seemed to run out of tears. He sniffled and stirred slightly, and Atsuro gently let go. "Are you okay now?"
Towa moved back a bit and nodded, wiping his eyes. "Aa. Thank you." He bit his lip and looked away, then looked back at Atsuro. "How much.. did you read?"
Atsuro gently reached out and took Towa's hand, squeezing it comfortingly. "Enough," he said softly. "Towa.. you could have told me.. you could stay at my house. You know my family won't care."
The blonde lowered his head, letting his hair hide his face. "I was ashamed," he said faintly. 'My own father.. gods, Atsuro, I thought you'd be -disgusted- with me. I know.. you always knew I wasn't straight, but.. I thought it would sicken you if you knew I.. wanted to be with you."
"Not at all, Towa," Atsuro whispered. "I want to be with you, too. I've known for quite awhile, I just.. couldn't tell you. Please, let me help you.."
Towa shuddered and moved forward, needing Atsuro's strength. Atsuro held him close, laying back in the bed so they'd be comfortable. Towa rested his head on his new boyfriend's chest, listening to the steady sound of his heartbeat. "Atsuro," he murmured. "Thank you. I feel.. worlds better."
"You're welcome," Atsuro replied. "I feel better too, knowing I don't have to hide my feelings from you anymore."
Towa moved up slowly and brushed his lips across Atsuro's cheek in a gentle caress. "No. You don't. And I don't have to hide from you, either."
Atsuro held him close, rolling onto his side. The taller boy tucked his head under his love's chin and closed his eyes. "This has been the best sleepover of my life," Atsuro murmured. "Thanks for inviting me over, Towa."
The blonde sighed and pulled the covers over them. "Don't mention it," he murmured. "Oyasumi.. aisuru."
Atsuro blushed and hugged Towa tigtly. "Oyasumi, itoushi."
***********
The End
***********
Be looking for a sequal if I get enough positive feedback.
-- Cheyne
cheyne@everlastingstory.net
1:42 PM 8/14/01