Author's note: This is a
prequel/companion to "Sky Blue", one of what I hope will be many small spin
offs. It is SLASH of the male/male variety, so if this is going to bother you,
than run away, run away now!!! The basis of this ficlet is the relationship between
Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, both before and after Sirius' imprisonment in
Azkaban. I hope you enjoy it… I'm trying my best. Special thanks to Meg Albatou
for lending me her computer to write this fic! Enjoy, -Nymphean
What it Takes:
A Prequel
"Tell
me what it takes to let you go
Tell
me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell
me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without
thinking you lost everything
That was
good in your life to the toss of the dice…"
-Aerosmith,
'What it Takes'
"Remus,
where the fuck is my robe?"
Remus Lupin looked
up from the issue of the Daily Prophet that he was reading and shrugged, a
bemused look crossing his face. "It's your robe, Sirius," He said, restraining
himself from laughing. The other man began rummaging through the piles of
clothing on the floor, throwing a pair of socks at Lupin's face. "You're making a mess of my
room," He muttered in Sirius' direction. Sirius rolled his eyes
"Oh yes, because it
perfectly immaculate to begin with, right?"
"It would be, if
you didn't insist on throwing your cloths off in such an untidy fashion."
Sirius chuckled
quietly as he continued to rummage. "You've never complained yet. Ah, there it
is!" He struggled into his robe with some difficulty. "Damn. It's all wrinkled."
Remus shook his
head and leaned forward, reaching for his wand. He pointed it casually at
Sirius and muttered a few words, sending sparks at Sirius' robes and nodding,
satisfied, as the wrinkles disappeared. "Why are you in such a hurry anyway?
What's so important that you have to tell James RIGHT NOW?" He said it with a
grin, but there was a slightly hurt undertone in his voice. Sirius closed his
eyes and shook his head.
"Remus, you know I
wouldn't go if I absolutely didn't have to. But I do." He walked over to Remus
and sat down on the arm of his chair.
"You didn't answer
my question," Remus said, leaning his head against Sirius' side. Black sighed,
entwining his fingers with Lupin's.
"I can't do it, Remus, I just know I'll screw it up."
"What, the
secret-keeper thing?" Remus chuckled. "Sirius, you're not going to screw it up.
Hey, LOOK at me, okay?" He held the other man's face between his hands. "You're
NOT. Hear me?"
Sirius shook his
head. "Lily and James are my best friends, the only people in this world I love
besides you. How can I let them put all their trust in me when I can't even
trust myself?"
"I trust you,"
Remus said quietly, letting his hands fall away from Sirius' face. Sirius
smiled faintly.
"I know." Moved to
stand up, but Remus grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
"Don't go," he said
roughly. "I have a bad feeling about this, Sirius. I think it would be safer if
you just stayed here."
Sirius shook his
head. "I'm just going to go quickly, help them make the switch to Peter, and then
I'll be back. I promise. You won't even know I was gone." He kissed the top of
Lupin's head and looked into his eyes, always so clear, so easy to read. "Don't
worry so much," Sirius said laughingly. "Gods, Remus… you'd think someone was
about to die from the look on your face!"
Lupin drew in a
shaky breath and pushed back the burning feeling behind his eyes, pasting a
smile on his pale face. "You're right," he said, trying his hardest to look at
peace, "I guess I'm just being silly."
Sirius bent down
and kissed Remus on the lips. "I'll be back before you know it."
"Promise me."
"Okay, I promise."
Remus smiled,
genuinely this time. "Then I guess you can go. But just remember, you owe me
when you back."
Sirius flashed him
a lopsided grin. "Oh NO!" Remus threw the socks which
had hit him in the face back at Sirius.
"Don't forget
those." Sirius caught the socks before they hit him. "Go, you idiot," Lupin
said, shaking his head.
"I'm going. Be back
soon!" Sirius was just about to apparate when Remus called out to him again.
"Sirius?"
"Hm?"
"I love you…"
Sirius smiled back
at him. "I love you too." Then he raised his wand, and was gone.
That was the last time I saw
him before it happened. I still remember when I heard the news.
"...The Dark Lord has fallen!
It is a proud day for the wizarding world…"
Yes, the Dark Lord had fallen,
but at what cost?
James and Lily, dead.
Dead.
And Peter with them.
But not just dead.
No…
…Betrayed.
Betrayed by their
most trusted friend.
Sirius Black.
Part 1: The Past
~Sirius~
I never stopped loving you.
Not once during the many years we were together.
And not once during the many years we were apart.
I won't lie, there were dark hours, every now and again, when I thought
that you had forsaken me. After all, The case against
me was air-tight, waterproof AND flame-retardant. And
who were you more likely to believe: a convicted criminal (even one you'd known
and loved for years), or the minister of magic? Yes, after the first few years,
I was almost certain that YOU had stopped loving ME, but I never stopped. I
couldn't stop.
You kept me alive.
Of course, after I had convinced myself that you didn't love me anymore
and never could again, the boy became my priority, but I still thought about
you at least twelve hours out of every day. It nearly drove me crazy, eleven
years without any word of you, and then I heard. The thought kept circling
round and round in my head;
He is at Hogwarts.
He is at Hogwarts.
He is at Hogwarts.
And I knew. I knew what I had to do.
~Lupin~
God damn it, it's you.
Fuck, Sirius, why are you
doing this?
I could barely hear your words over my own thoughts.
Why, why, why is this
happening? Why are you doing this?
You were talking rapidly, with a wild, vicious look in your eyes that I
couldn't read. It scared me. I didn't understand at first, but when, at last,
you lunged at that rat…
"It wasn't you!"
I practically jumped on you, embracing you for the first time in twelve
years. My god, but you smelled! Of course, that didn't matter,
all that mattered was that it wasn't you.
Of course, we had very little time for a reunion just then (thank you
Severus…), but that would come, all in good time.
Peter. Stupid god damn FUCKING Peter! If I ever get my hands on that
fucking liar, it had better be on a full moon!
A year after that, a year of not knowing where you were, what you were
doing, or if you still felt the same way about me. It was the hardest year of
my life, far harder than the whole time you were in prison, because now I knew.
You were innocent. You didn't do it. Which meant we could be
together again.
All I had to do was wait.
As it turned out, it was the waiting that was the hardest part. Wondering
almost every minute of every day whether or not you still loved me made the
days feel like years and the year feel like a century. Dumbledore's letter was
the first thing that gave me the slightest ray of hope in that whole year.
Remus,
I assume you have heard of the
events which ensued during the Triwizard Tournament this year. Due to the
sudden attack of Lord Voldemort, I have decided that we can no longer stand
still and wait to be defeated. The time has come to take action against the
other side. If you are willing to help, your skills could definitely be put to
good use.
One more thing before I go. I
have suggested that Sirius Black lay low at your place until I find a task with
which I need his help. I am sorry if I have made a mistake in volunteering your
services. I didn't really think you would mind.
Consider my offer.
-Albus Dumbledore.
And so it was that the waiting began all over again.
But this time it was different.
This time I had hope.
Part 2
~Sirius~
Bliss.
It was bliss.
Coming home to a warm house, a soft bed… clean
cloths, food, soap and water…
But none of them compared to you.
Back in your arms again, I began to feel the pain, the fear, the hate,
slipping back into happiness and love. After fourteen years of not being with
you, everything was right again, made right in just one perfect night…
~Remus~
…But when the morning came, and I looked over at you, it was a stranger
who was lying beside me in my bed. This man, face twitching with horror at some
unknown nightmare, was not my Sirius. And when you woke up screaming, and I
held you in my arms, whispering comforting words and nearly crying at how you
had been destroyed, I knew it was going to end. It was only a matter of time…
~Sirius~
It wasn't the same. I still loved you, and you still loved me, but it
was different now, everything was different now. You'd had twelve years out in
the world without me, and they had changed you. You weren't an innocent
anymore. I suppose, in a way, you never were, but you
were even less now, and it was the same with me.
But different.
I knew how hard you were trying, and it only made me want to try harder
too, but time had sown the seeds of doubt and loneliness, and the vine were
strangling us. God damn it, how I wanted things to work out
between us.
I don't know when it was that I finally admitted it was over. I think it
just happened gradually. But it happened, and once it did, there was no
ignoring the facts.
We could never be like we were
again.
~Remus~
We swore we wouldn't be bitter about it. I still loved you more than
anyone on the earth, and I think you knew that, but you weren't who you used to
be, and neither was I. So we came to the mutual agreement that it would be best
to end things right where they were, before either of us got hurt. You told me
that I would always have a part of your heart, even if I didn't have you, and
then you cried. I dried your tears for you and told you what an idiot you were.
Then I cried, and you did the same thing for me.
And I knew, lovers or friends, we would always be there to dry each
other's tears.
Part 3
"We met in Romania. He was my contact
there." Sirius looked at Lupin desperately. "Please don't be angry with me,
Remus."
Lupin shrugged it off, forcing a smile onto his face. "Of course I'm not
angry with you, Sirius. I'm glad you two found each other. Good for you." He
turned to the kitchen counter and began to shuffle through the mess of papers.
"I'm sorry about the mess in here…"
"You are angry with me."
Lupin shook his head. "I'm NOT. Really!"
Sirius sighed. "Yes, you are," he said placidly. "You're changing the
subject. You always change the subject when you're angry."
"God damn it, Sirius…" Lupin looked into his former lovers
eyes for a few seconds before shaking his head and turning away. "So what's his
name?"
"Charlie."
"Charlie. Hm."
Sirius put a hand on Lupin's shoulder. "Please, Remus… don't turn to stone on me. I need to know that you're okay
with this. Please, don't shut me out."
Lupin turned around to face him, placing his hand over top of Sirius'.
"I'm okay. As long as you're happy, I'll be happy for you."
Sirius smiled, and Remus saw the smile spread to his eyes for the first
time since the night he came back to him. "Thank you, Remus. I needed to hear
you say that."
He IS happy, Remus thought. He
closed his eyes. "Just…" His voice cracked, and with it, his heart. "…remember
I'm always here if you need me."
Sirius nodded and pulled him into an embrace. "I have to go," he said
quietly, pulling away. When he didn't moved, Remus shook his head and chuckled
softly.
"Go, you idiot," He whispered, not a little ironically. Sirius gave him
a little smile.
"I'm going," he whispered, apparating out of the flat. Remus looked at
the floor, his eyes burning.
…Lovers or friends, we would
always be there to dry each other's tears…
Remus watched as the drops of saline sadness hit the kitchen tiles.
"Sirius…"
"Hm?"
Remus shut his eyes.
"I love you…"
~Le Fin~
