Hello, my name is Chris and I just love to write fanfic
Composing filk and parodies is how I get my kicks
I stay up late and work real hard to make them scan and rhyme
But please note my disclaimer that these characters aren't mine!
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Tortallan Rhapsody
Parody of Bohemian Rhapsody (well, Imperial Rhapsody actually 'coz
that's the one I know the words to)
NB I'm assuming it was Joren who put Lalasa up on Balor's Needle. Haven't
read Squire yet so if it gets explained there that it wasn't Joren, just
humour me. (Pretty please? With cherries on top?) Though as long as it
was someone with two syllables I don't really mind who...
Kel: This is the good life, this is my fantasy
Learning to fight
And beat up on my enemies
Stood up to these guys
Got two black eyes, just seeee!
Cleon: I'm just a pageboy, I need some sympathy
'Coz I like Kel, she don't know,
Little whine, little moan.
Wyldon: Anywhere that Kel goes, I hope that it's away from me.
Alanna: Roger's an evil man
Made a voodoo figurine
Now he's gone and killed the queen.
Roger: Bugger, I'd nearly won
But Alan had to go and spoil my fun.
All: Roger, ooooooo
Didn't want to die
So he acts as if he never got killed at all
Carries on, carries on
Like nothing really happened.
Neal: Too late, the time has come
If we're late for our exam
We'll have to do the year again.
Alanna: Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind, I'm on a quest.
Kitten: I see a little simulacrum of a man
Chatter-squeak, chatter-squeak, can it be the emperor?
Roger: The pointy end of Lightning's really really hurting me!
All: Evil Roger, Evil Roger, Evil Roger, you are dead!
Roger: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow !
Daine: I'm a demigoddess, everybody loves me.
All: Her dad's a god but she's from a farm family
Spare her this life of such rurality!
Lalasa: Kel'll come to let me go
Joren let me go.
Joren: By Mithros! No, I will not let you go!
Lalasa: Let me go!
Joren: By Mithros! I will not let you go!
Lalasa: Let me go!
Joren: By Mithros! I will not let you go!
Lalasa: Let me go!
Joren: Will not let you go!
Lalasa: Let me go!
Joren: Will not let you go!
Lalasa: Let me go!
Joren: No no no no no no no no no!
Coz my name's Joren, my name's Joren, my name's Joren and I'm
bad.
Ozorne: The Stormwing Queen's got a feather put aside for meeeee, for meeeee, for MEEEEEEEE!
(Stormwings start headbanging)
Daine: So you say you're this dear old dad of mine
But you've got horns and you live in the sky
Weiryn, can't do this to me Weiryn,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of here.
Kel: I am strong as stone, nothing worries me
I spout foreign proverbs
I spout foreign proverbs, all daaaaaay.
Joren: Anywhere that Kel goes, I hope that it's away from me, from meeeeee.
* * *
Hoedowns! Mwahahahaha!
Oh, I'm Keladry of Mindelan and I'm the only girl
And Joren is a flaming jerk who makes me want to hurl
I want to help the small and weak when I become a knight
And when I have to dress up I wear silly bright red tights!
Oh, I am the Lioness, and I don't like to sing
And I am on errantry coz I don't like the king
I'm mad with him because he won't allow me to meet Kel
So I send presents for her birthday and for holidays as well!
Well, I'm Raoul of Goldenlake, I'm matchless with a sword
I wield it chopping heads off all the swarming hostile hordes
I use my strong right arm to keep the kingdom fair and free
And I'm really very good at getting kittens out of trees!
* * *
The Battle Hymn of the Tortallan Pages
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the pages' uniform
It is gold and it is crimson and it isn't very warm
We wear it to adhere to Beauty's arbitrary norm
And truth goes marching on!
Glory, glory to the pages!
We will never fight for wages!
We will fight for what is right when we graduate as knights
And truth goes marching on!
Joren is a nasty boy we really like to fight
Coz he bullies smaller pages and we don't think that is right
To aid the unprotected is the honour of a knight
And truth goes marching on!
Glory, glory to the pages!
Hazing puts us in such rages!
If Joren don't move fast we're going to kick his lily ass
And truth goes marching on!
Our friend Neal, he wants to serve the king and do the best he can
So he'll train to be a knight so he can fight for our fair land
He can fix our bruises with a wave of his right hand
And truth goes marching on!
Glory, glory to the pages!
Some of us are also mages!
We can heal you with a spell and we can conjure light as well
And truth goes marching on!
We practice with our weapons coz it's what we like to do
We learn to fight with swords and pikes and staffs and lances too
And if you give us reason we will stick them into you
And truth goes marching on!
Glory, glory to the pages!
We fight for justice through the ages!
The enemy's dark hordes will meet the pointy ends of swords
When truth goes marching on!
At the end of every year there is a practical exam
Our parents come to see us sit and pass it if we can
If we're late or we don't pass we have to do the year again
And truth goes marching on!
Glory, glory to the pages!
Proficiency must come in stages!
So if we're not knights just yet, well, from squire that's but a step
Let truth go marching on!