Pain
First person. Ummm... yeah, this is just in general. Don't hurt me.
Sometimes I turn around and wonder how life would be different if I hadn't survived. If I'd died with the other Cybers. I don't mean my life, really, I mean Lucas'...and Lori's... Yashimoto and Akiko's... But then again, Yashimoto wouldn't have been enlisted to find me... Lori might have needed rescuing, but it would have been different.
All those times Von Reichter threatened to take over Meridiana... and the time he nearly did. It was truly hard coming back from the forest. I still haven't gone out. I know Lucas and Lori are still looking for me, but Adrian hasn't made an appearance yet. He may not. I don't know. I wonder how Adrian, the real Adrian, would have grown up if he hadn't died, if I hadn't stolen his identity. He might have become a lawyer. Or a scientist. Maybe he would've found the cure for AIDS.
29... perhaps he never would've been re-created. Maybe Von Reichter would just let him stay where he was, resting in peace. That's where my brother belongs, after all, not here. It was cruel to make him a panther, that I shouldn't be able to talk to him, that we could never joke and laugh the way we used to... And we used to.
----....I need sustenance. I know it's a stupid thought, because I knew when I told Von Reichter to redirect the island...I knew we were going to die, one way or another. Somehow, I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I was stupid to think that escaping his lab would save my life. Perhaps... no, maybe I did it to save 29. He wouldn't have left me behind.
And that monster... when he smiled at me... surely he must have realized what would happen to him. I felt dizzy inside when he... pointed the way out. I just felt weak and angry. Furious, really, that I couldn't save him, that I hadn't broken free of sustenance... and that I'd even considered Von Reichter's offer.
Oh God, if I had chosen to become his tool, his instrument of evil, would it have been worth it? To be freed of sustenance, that accursed liquid...or whatever it is... that binds me even now. If I hadn't had my self-control, I would have been sick at his offer. Who knew that he could say just a few words and make me immensely uncomfortable? I could have turned my back on him once I was free... No, he would have seen to it that I was reprogrammed... or whatever the term is. I know I'm not an android; there is no metal in me. And yet, I'm not human, either.
There's another point. I can't go back to Lucas. The woman he thinks he loves... it can't be me. It simply can't be. And - I'm not sure I want to love him. If I love him, that makes me human. Somehow, I'm just not ready to be human yet. He'll get along without me. What sort of relationship is it if I can only really see him at night? He must know who I've been pretending to be by now... I couldn't face him as Adrian again, it would only be awkward. I'd probably hurt the both of us. Who am I kidding? I've already hurt him, and myself.
----...this is ridiculous. I know I'm going to die. Better if I don't say goodbye. Better if he doesn't know. Better if no one knows until it's too late. Except... I would like 29 to be here. Not Data 7, no, I want my brother back. I want Cyber 29. But that's impossible. Impossible.
I'm done being strong. When is it my turn to get a good night's sleep? When is it my turn to get a break, to smell the roses, to feel sand between my toes? ...It's gone. That's all it is.
I'm tired now.