Title: An Embarrassing Inquiry
Author: ILH, aka Melissa
Censor: PG-13
Central Character: Trance, Harper, everyone has at least one appearance
Disclaimer: Andromeda belongs to Tribune, not me.
Author's Note: This is as promised from an idea I got in chat weeks ago. I've just been a little busy with school lately. I apologize for any errors it contains...I haven't had time to really read over it twice. Hope you enjoy it! Feedback is much appreciated as always.
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Harper groaned as he crawled deeper into the complex maze of repair tunnels. He found this to be one of the few advantages to being of a smaller build, except in this case. He wished he was Tyr's size at the moment. "Man, these tunnels are filthy! Rom-doll, when was the last time a bot or droid cleaned these?"
"My droids and bots have been concentrating on my inhabited and often used sections. I had not anticipated your use of this particular tunnel," Rommie's voice explained.
"You're gonna clean these before I go through them next time." Harper crinkled his nose and sneezed as he inhaled the dust his movement stirred.
"The conduit is only fifty-seven more meters into the tunnel," Rommie said.
"Yeah, and then we've got hundreds of meters back to the Machine Shop I started in." He sneezed again and rubbed his nose. "Can't you filter some of this stuff out of the air?"
"My bots are filtering the air, but the dust particles outnumber the safe amount of bots to use in human presence."
"Remind me to make some new bots for you when I get out of here." Harper felt his knee hit something soft and somewhat squishy. He tried to wipe his knee off to find it was sticky. "What in the hell is that?"
"A combination of dust, grease and..."
He resumed crawling. "And what?"
"You don't want to know, Harper. But I do highly recommend that you take a shower after you complete the repairs."
He cringed at the thought of what it could be. "You won't tell me what's all over my knee? When did you start keeping things from me, Rommie?"
"I won't do anything to interfere with your ability to repair the conduit. However, if you still wish to know after the repair is completed, I will tell you."
"Nah, you're probably right about me not wanting to know." The smoke began clearing. "I really don't wanna know what Dylan or Tyr does while they're crawling around the access tunnels."
"Harper," Rommie warned.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know my 'off color remarks' aren't necessary." He paused for a moment. "It's just more fun that way."
He finally reached the conduit and removed the panel. The repair took nearly an hour to complete, during most of which he was either talking to himself or Rommie.
"Ah, that's much better," Rommie's voice said. "I'm going to go into diagnostic mode now to search for any other repairs that need to be conducted. I will be offline for two hours."
Harper made his way through the stretch of access tunnels. He stopped when his hands and knees hit a wet spot in the tunnel. "I hope this isn't the same stuff that I ran into before. Even I wouldn't sink to doing that in an access tunnel." On closer examination, he realized it was just water. "Weird. Hey, it's coming from this vent cover..."
He removed the cover to see a small room containing a single item--a large hot tub surrounded by the steam it created. Harper did a double take. "How could Dylan hide something like this from me? And after I asked to install one in my quarters last week!"
"Well, Rommie did say to take a shower after I finished the repair...and the repair is done. Dylan's on Command Deck anyways. He probably saves it for when he gets all those hot women to come on board." Harper dropped into the room from the ventilation shaft and took several steps over to the hot tub. He ran a finger across the top of the water. "Just perfect. A quick dip won't hurt anyone. Guess Dylan's never heard of sharing the wealth."
Harper quickly stripped, tossing his dirty clothes carelessly on the floor, and used the short ladder to climb into the hot tub. He slid down until the bubbling water came up to his neck. It washed over his tense body while the jets tickled him. "Mmmmmmmmmmm. This...is...gooooood."
"Harper, what are you doing here?" a sweet, curious voice that could only belong to one person, Trance, asked.
"Trance! What are YOU doing here?" Harper pushed himself to the other end of the hot tub, purposely avoiding looking at Trance.
"You're in the room next to my quarters. But I guess that doesn't matter." She smiled and walked into Harper's field of vision. She was wearing an azure bikini that accentuated every curve on her body and revealed much of her sparkly purple skin. She started to climb up the ladder to get in the hot tub.
Harper gulped, turning around to look at the scantily clad woman. "What are you doing, Trance?" he asked nervously.
"I'm getting in, silly. The hot tub is in the room next to my quarters, Harper." She took another step up the ladder.
"Well, if you're getting in, then I'm getting out." He looked for another ladder, but the only one on the hot tub was occupied by Trance. And he was just starting to remember that he was naked.
"Why would you want to get out?" she asked, confused. "You said last week that you wouldn't mind being in a jacuzzi with me on Altairn and-"
"That was different." He lowered his voice to slightly above a mumble. "I wasn't naked and I sure as hell wasn't half this horny."
She cocked her head pensively. "What does horny mean?"
His eyes widened. "It means nothing, Trance. Nothing at all. And I've gotta go now. Y'know all these repairs to finish. Rommie's gonna be really pissed if I don't finish them," he babbled. "Hand me my clothes?"
Trance picked them up and handed them to Harper, who was still submerged in the water. He pulled most of the clothing on underwater, which confused Trance even more. "Why are you-"
"I've got places to go and things to do. I'll see you later, Trance, babe. Ummmmm, enjoy the hot tub." He hurried out of the room through Trance's quarters, soaking wet. "Of all the things for her to ask me."
*****
Several hours passed, and Trance was eating a late afternoon snack on Mess Deck. She had been wondering what Harper had meant since the incident. She hadn't seen him since, and when she asked Rommie where he was, she replied he was in the middle of a repair. Eventually, she had asked Rommie what horny was, but her database only contained the definition of something with horns or something with a horn-like appearance. Deep in her own thoughts, she was startled when Rev entered and spoke. "Have you seen Dylan, Trance?"
"I think he's in his quarters. Or maybe in Hydroponics playing basketball," she said.
"Thank you." He turned around to exit Mess Deck.
"Rev, I have a question," Trance started.
He approached the table. "You may ask me, my child."
She paused. "Well, I want to know what horny means..."
"An adjective describing something that has horns, like the extinct Earth creature the horny toad," Rev said.
"That's just what Rommie told me, but it doesn't make any sense..." Trance was still confused.
"Maybe you should ask Dylan, Beka or Harper if it has another meaning," Rev suggested.
"Yeah, I think I'll do that. Thanks, Rev." She half smiled as he exited Mess Deck.
*****
Dylan contently stared at the view screen. The large spinning planet on it would soon join the Commonwealth and bring him one step closer to his dream being fulfilled. The dream felt closer to reality every time a planet signed the charter. He hardly noticed when Trance crept up behind him.
"Dylan?" she asked.
"Yes?" He turned around and nearly bumped into her.
"It's very pretty." She looked at the planet. "Are they going to sign the charter?"
"This evening at a formal ceremony and dinner that we'll all be attending." He smiled.
"That makes eight planets, doesn't it?" It was more of a statement than a question.
"Yeah." He had a feeling she was avoiding something, an instinct that had come with dealing with many people during his captaincy. "Is there something you came to talk about, Trance?"
She was completely calm and somewhat curious. "Actually, there is...what does horny mean?"
Dylan's eyes widened for a moment, and he felt a slight blush creeping across his cheeks. "You are referring to horny as in plants or animals, right?"
She remained calm, unlike Dylan. "No."
He paused uncomfortably, hoping his face was as red as it felt. "I don't think I'm the best person to ask this question. Maybe you should ask someone else. Like Beka."
"I don't understand why no one will answer my question, but I'll go ask someone else...are you okay, Dylan?" She noticed he was blushing and looking more than somewhat sick.
"I'm fine, Trance." She walked off of Command Deck, looking no different than when she had entered, except maybe a tiny bit annoyed. When she was definitely out of hearing range, Dylan sighed. "I wonder what brought that up. I hope Beka doesn't mind explaining the facts of life to Trance. Maybe I should go talk to her before Trance does..."
*****
Trance was going through possible definitions for the word in question in her mind. "Well, it has to be...no, well it can't be...why does Harper have to be so vague?" She passed the gym and noticed Tyr working out. "Dylan said to talk to Beka...but maybe Tyr will know."
She walked quietly into the gym and watched Tyr for a moment before walking up to him. "Hi, Tyr." She smiled.
"What do you want?" he asked bluntly.
She paused for a moment before speaking again. "I've got a question..."
Tyr continued exercising. "Is it important?"
"What do you mean by 'important?'"
"Does it have to do with our survival?"
"Well...maybe...I don't really know."
"What is it?" He watched her.
"What does horny mean?" she asked.
The Nietzschean glared at her. "I have no time for your childish questions."
"But no one else will-"
"I said I have no time for your childish questions!" His glare turned into a burning stare that warned of impending doom if the subject was further pursued.
She started to feel slightly uncomfortable. "Well, then I'll go and do something else." She hurried back into the corridor and ran down it in case Tyr decided to follow her. "That was probably a bad idea. I guess I'd better go talk to Beka now."
She continued walking. "Beka asks Dylan something and he answers every time. Or anyone else for that matter. Why won't he answer me?"
Trance searched for fifteen minutes, but didn't find Beka until she went to the Hangar Deck. Beka was walking across it from the Maru.
"Hey, Trance," Beka said.
"Hi." Trance walked with Beka until they had exited the Hangar Deck. "Where are you going?"
She wiped her arm across her forehead, which was covered in a light sheen of sweat. "Back to my quarters. I need a shower after all that work with Harper down in the engine room. I don't know how he stands it."
Trance considered what had happened before. She decided since Beka was her last hope for an answer that she would do it differently. "Speaking of Harper...can I ask you a question?"
"Sure." Beka stopped at the door to her quarters and waited for Trance to ask.
"Well, you have to promise that you won't get mad at me or anything."
Beka paused for a moment, wondering what Trance could ask that would make her mad. "Okay. Ask away."
"What does horny mean?"
Beka was silent. "As in what context?"
"As in the not animals or plants one?" Trance said with uncertainty.
"Figures." Beka paused and sighed. "Trance, I'm not good with these kind of talks. Why don't you ask someone else? Rommie could probably give you a million definitions and contexts. But I've gotta go take a shower now." Without giving Trance a chance to say anything, Beka hurried into her quarters.
"Why won't anyone answer my question?" Trance asked herself with a combination of annoyance and unhappiness. "I've already wasted half of today trying to find out."
*****
A large elongated table was elaborately decorated, covered from end to end in a feast fit for a king. Andromeda's crew and Rommie's avatar herself were dressed formally. Even Harper had worn a tie for the occassion. The Plogsars were dressed in ceremonial garb, long green velvet robes that concealed their thin frames.
The meal had barely begun when everyone started chatting. The Plogsars spoke of their favorite pastime and livelihood, fishing. Trance was bored by the conversation, and preoccupied by the question that had bothered her all day. No one would answer it, and it had started to slowly eat at her. Her curious nature often helped her, but this wasn't one of those situations.
Part of her realized there would be consequences for her actions. She didn't listen to that part. She asked in a normal voice at first, "What does horny mean?"
A few paused and looked at her before continuing their conversations.
She raised her voice. "I want to know what horny means. Someone please tell me."
Andromeda's crew noticed this time as well, gave each other worried glances, but ignored it.
Trance eventually stood. She knew what she was about to do was out of character, but she didn't care. "I don't know why everyone keeps avoiding me, but I want someone to tell me what horny means right now!"
Everyone went silent, Plogsars and Andromeda's crew. The leader of the Plogsars nearly choked on his food.
"Beka," Dylan said, looking at her pleadingly.
Beka glared at Dylan and remained silent.
"I started this, and I'm gonna finish it," Harper eventually said, getting up and shoving his chair under the table. He walked over to Trance and whispered something into her ear. "Understand?"
"Get laid?" Trance asked, still confused.
"Harper, you're not an idiot. She doesn't understand the slang! Trance, it basically means to want sex. You know what that is, right?" Beka asked.
"Oh." Trance blushed a deep plum as she realized why everyone had reacted as they did. She blushed even more when she looked at Harper and realized what he'd implied earlier.
Everyone sat in uncomfortable silent until the leader of the Plogsars started laughing heartily. "The poor girl! I've never seen someone so embarrassed before!"
One by one, everyone joined in the laughter. Even Trance.
Author: ILH, aka Melissa
Censor: PG-13
Central Character: Trance, Harper, everyone has at least one appearance
Disclaimer: Andromeda belongs to Tribune, not me.
Author's Note: This is as promised from an idea I got in chat weeks ago. I've just been a little busy with school lately. I apologize for any errors it contains...I haven't had time to really read over it twice. Hope you enjoy it! Feedback is much appreciated as always.
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Harper groaned as he crawled deeper into the complex maze of repair tunnels. He found this to be one of the few advantages to being of a smaller build, except in this case. He wished he was Tyr's size at the moment. "Man, these tunnels are filthy! Rom-doll, when was the last time a bot or droid cleaned these?"
"My droids and bots have been concentrating on my inhabited and often used sections. I had not anticipated your use of this particular tunnel," Rommie's voice explained.
"You're gonna clean these before I go through them next time." Harper crinkled his nose and sneezed as he inhaled the dust his movement stirred.
"The conduit is only fifty-seven more meters into the tunnel," Rommie said.
"Yeah, and then we've got hundreds of meters back to the Machine Shop I started in." He sneezed again and rubbed his nose. "Can't you filter some of this stuff out of the air?"
"My bots are filtering the air, but the dust particles outnumber the safe amount of bots to use in human presence."
"Remind me to make some new bots for you when I get out of here." Harper felt his knee hit something soft and somewhat squishy. He tried to wipe his knee off to find it was sticky. "What in the hell is that?"
"A combination of dust, grease and..."
He resumed crawling. "And what?"
"You don't want to know, Harper. But I do highly recommend that you take a shower after you complete the repairs."
He cringed at the thought of what it could be. "You won't tell me what's all over my knee? When did you start keeping things from me, Rommie?"
"I won't do anything to interfere with your ability to repair the conduit. However, if you still wish to know after the repair is completed, I will tell you."
"Nah, you're probably right about me not wanting to know." The smoke began clearing. "I really don't wanna know what Dylan or Tyr does while they're crawling around the access tunnels."
"Harper," Rommie warned.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know my 'off color remarks' aren't necessary." He paused for a moment. "It's just more fun that way."
He finally reached the conduit and removed the panel. The repair took nearly an hour to complete, during most of which he was either talking to himself or Rommie.
"Ah, that's much better," Rommie's voice said. "I'm going to go into diagnostic mode now to search for any other repairs that need to be conducted. I will be offline for two hours."
Harper made his way through the stretch of access tunnels. He stopped when his hands and knees hit a wet spot in the tunnel. "I hope this isn't the same stuff that I ran into before. Even I wouldn't sink to doing that in an access tunnel." On closer examination, he realized it was just water. "Weird. Hey, it's coming from this vent cover..."
He removed the cover to see a small room containing a single item--a large hot tub surrounded by the steam it created. Harper did a double take. "How could Dylan hide something like this from me? And after I asked to install one in my quarters last week!"
"Well, Rommie did say to take a shower after I finished the repair...and the repair is done. Dylan's on Command Deck anyways. He probably saves it for when he gets all those hot women to come on board." Harper dropped into the room from the ventilation shaft and took several steps over to the hot tub. He ran a finger across the top of the water. "Just perfect. A quick dip won't hurt anyone. Guess Dylan's never heard of sharing the wealth."
Harper quickly stripped, tossing his dirty clothes carelessly on the floor, and used the short ladder to climb into the hot tub. He slid down until the bubbling water came up to his neck. It washed over his tense body while the jets tickled him. "Mmmmmmmmmmm. This...is...gooooood."
"Harper, what are you doing here?" a sweet, curious voice that could only belong to one person, Trance, asked.
"Trance! What are YOU doing here?" Harper pushed himself to the other end of the hot tub, purposely avoiding looking at Trance.
"You're in the room next to my quarters. But I guess that doesn't matter." She smiled and walked into Harper's field of vision. She was wearing an azure bikini that accentuated every curve on her body and revealed much of her sparkly purple skin. She started to climb up the ladder to get in the hot tub.
Harper gulped, turning around to look at the scantily clad woman. "What are you doing, Trance?" he asked nervously.
"I'm getting in, silly. The hot tub is in the room next to my quarters, Harper." She took another step up the ladder.
"Well, if you're getting in, then I'm getting out." He looked for another ladder, but the only one on the hot tub was occupied by Trance. And he was just starting to remember that he was naked.
"Why would you want to get out?" she asked, confused. "You said last week that you wouldn't mind being in a jacuzzi with me on Altairn and-"
"That was different." He lowered his voice to slightly above a mumble. "I wasn't naked and I sure as hell wasn't half this horny."
She cocked her head pensively. "What does horny mean?"
His eyes widened. "It means nothing, Trance. Nothing at all. And I've gotta go now. Y'know all these repairs to finish. Rommie's gonna be really pissed if I don't finish them," he babbled. "Hand me my clothes?"
Trance picked them up and handed them to Harper, who was still submerged in the water. He pulled most of the clothing on underwater, which confused Trance even more. "Why are you-"
"I've got places to go and things to do. I'll see you later, Trance, babe. Ummmmm, enjoy the hot tub." He hurried out of the room through Trance's quarters, soaking wet. "Of all the things for her to ask me."
*****
Several hours passed, and Trance was eating a late afternoon snack on Mess Deck. She had been wondering what Harper had meant since the incident. She hadn't seen him since, and when she asked Rommie where he was, she replied he was in the middle of a repair. Eventually, she had asked Rommie what horny was, but her database only contained the definition of something with horns or something with a horn-like appearance. Deep in her own thoughts, she was startled when Rev entered and spoke. "Have you seen Dylan, Trance?"
"I think he's in his quarters. Or maybe in Hydroponics playing basketball," she said.
"Thank you." He turned around to exit Mess Deck.
"Rev, I have a question," Trance started.
He approached the table. "You may ask me, my child."
She paused. "Well, I want to know what horny means..."
"An adjective describing something that has horns, like the extinct Earth creature the horny toad," Rev said.
"That's just what Rommie told me, but it doesn't make any sense..." Trance was still confused.
"Maybe you should ask Dylan, Beka or Harper if it has another meaning," Rev suggested.
"Yeah, I think I'll do that. Thanks, Rev." She half smiled as he exited Mess Deck.
*****
Dylan contently stared at the view screen. The large spinning planet on it would soon join the Commonwealth and bring him one step closer to his dream being fulfilled. The dream felt closer to reality every time a planet signed the charter. He hardly noticed when Trance crept up behind him.
"Dylan?" she asked.
"Yes?" He turned around and nearly bumped into her.
"It's very pretty." She looked at the planet. "Are they going to sign the charter?"
"This evening at a formal ceremony and dinner that we'll all be attending." He smiled.
"That makes eight planets, doesn't it?" It was more of a statement than a question.
"Yeah." He had a feeling she was avoiding something, an instinct that had come with dealing with many people during his captaincy. "Is there something you came to talk about, Trance?"
She was completely calm and somewhat curious. "Actually, there is...what does horny mean?"
Dylan's eyes widened for a moment, and he felt a slight blush creeping across his cheeks. "You are referring to horny as in plants or animals, right?"
She remained calm, unlike Dylan. "No."
He paused uncomfortably, hoping his face was as red as it felt. "I don't think I'm the best person to ask this question. Maybe you should ask someone else. Like Beka."
"I don't understand why no one will answer my question, but I'll go ask someone else...are you okay, Dylan?" She noticed he was blushing and looking more than somewhat sick.
"I'm fine, Trance." She walked off of Command Deck, looking no different than when she had entered, except maybe a tiny bit annoyed. When she was definitely out of hearing range, Dylan sighed. "I wonder what brought that up. I hope Beka doesn't mind explaining the facts of life to Trance. Maybe I should go talk to her before Trance does..."
*****
Trance was going through possible definitions for the word in question in her mind. "Well, it has to be...no, well it can't be...why does Harper have to be so vague?" She passed the gym and noticed Tyr working out. "Dylan said to talk to Beka...but maybe Tyr will know."
She walked quietly into the gym and watched Tyr for a moment before walking up to him. "Hi, Tyr." She smiled.
"What do you want?" he asked bluntly.
She paused for a moment before speaking again. "I've got a question..."
Tyr continued exercising. "Is it important?"
"What do you mean by 'important?'"
"Does it have to do with our survival?"
"Well...maybe...I don't really know."
"What is it?" He watched her.
"What does horny mean?" she asked.
The Nietzschean glared at her. "I have no time for your childish questions."
"But no one else will-"
"I said I have no time for your childish questions!" His glare turned into a burning stare that warned of impending doom if the subject was further pursued.
She started to feel slightly uncomfortable. "Well, then I'll go and do something else." She hurried back into the corridor and ran down it in case Tyr decided to follow her. "That was probably a bad idea. I guess I'd better go talk to Beka now."
She continued walking. "Beka asks Dylan something and he answers every time. Or anyone else for that matter. Why won't he answer me?"
Trance searched for fifteen minutes, but didn't find Beka until she went to the Hangar Deck. Beka was walking across it from the Maru.
"Hey, Trance," Beka said.
"Hi." Trance walked with Beka until they had exited the Hangar Deck. "Where are you going?"
She wiped her arm across her forehead, which was covered in a light sheen of sweat. "Back to my quarters. I need a shower after all that work with Harper down in the engine room. I don't know how he stands it."
Trance considered what had happened before. She decided since Beka was her last hope for an answer that she would do it differently. "Speaking of Harper...can I ask you a question?"
"Sure." Beka stopped at the door to her quarters and waited for Trance to ask.
"Well, you have to promise that you won't get mad at me or anything."
Beka paused for a moment, wondering what Trance could ask that would make her mad. "Okay. Ask away."
"What does horny mean?"
Beka was silent. "As in what context?"
"As in the not animals or plants one?" Trance said with uncertainty.
"Figures." Beka paused and sighed. "Trance, I'm not good with these kind of talks. Why don't you ask someone else? Rommie could probably give you a million definitions and contexts. But I've gotta go take a shower now." Without giving Trance a chance to say anything, Beka hurried into her quarters.
"Why won't anyone answer my question?" Trance asked herself with a combination of annoyance and unhappiness. "I've already wasted half of today trying to find out."
*****
A large elongated table was elaborately decorated, covered from end to end in a feast fit for a king. Andromeda's crew and Rommie's avatar herself were dressed formally. Even Harper had worn a tie for the occassion. The Plogsars were dressed in ceremonial garb, long green velvet robes that concealed their thin frames.
The meal had barely begun when everyone started chatting. The Plogsars spoke of their favorite pastime and livelihood, fishing. Trance was bored by the conversation, and preoccupied by the question that had bothered her all day. No one would answer it, and it had started to slowly eat at her. Her curious nature often helped her, but this wasn't one of those situations.
Part of her realized there would be consequences for her actions. She didn't listen to that part. She asked in a normal voice at first, "What does horny mean?"
A few paused and looked at her before continuing their conversations.
She raised her voice. "I want to know what horny means. Someone please tell me."
Andromeda's crew noticed this time as well, gave each other worried glances, but ignored it.
Trance eventually stood. She knew what she was about to do was out of character, but she didn't care. "I don't know why everyone keeps avoiding me, but I want someone to tell me what horny means right now!"
Everyone went silent, Plogsars and Andromeda's crew. The leader of the Plogsars nearly choked on his food.
"Beka," Dylan said, looking at her pleadingly.
Beka glared at Dylan and remained silent.
"I started this, and I'm gonna finish it," Harper eventually said, getting up and shoving his chair under the table. He walked over to Trance and whispered something into her ear. "Understand?"
"Get laid?" Trance asked, still confused.
"Harper, you're not an idiot. She doesn't understand the slang! Trance, it basically means to want sex. You know what that is, right?" Beka asked.
"Oh." Trance blushed a deep plum as she realized why everyone had reacted as they did. She blushed even more when she looked at Harper and realized what he'd implied earlier.
Everyone sat in uncomfortable silent until the leader of the Plogsars started laughing heartily. "The poor girl! I've never seen someone so embarrassed before!"
One by one, everyone joined in the laughter. Even Trance.