sanity

Sanity
Calliope*~
I don't own GW
Adult language and dark themes, you've been warned.

*______________.

I could feel myself "losing it", long before anyone ever suspected. Sure, I didn't know I was losing it, I just knew that I was… different somehow. Different from the way I started, different from what they wanted me to be, different from what I was. I kept blanking when people would talk to me. I invented my own little world that ran in my head constantly, it was my favorite retreat. I began to think a bit more pessimistically, I insulted people. The words I used… I'll bet no one even knew they were in my vocabulary. And certainly, they weren't, but I said them anyway. It gave me a thrill for some reason. They called it losing it, they said that I'd lost it. Of course, they're idiots and they know jack shit.

I did a lot of things that nobody knew about. For instance, I took up smoking. After a while, I thought it'd be fun to burn myself with the cigarette so I pulled up my sleeve and pressed the butt into my arm. It hurt, goddamn, did it hurt. But I did it again, after that one healed. Then again and again and again. No, this wasn't because I was feeling resentment toward my adoptive parents, and no, I wasn't suffering some repercussion of Darlian's death. Yet again, no I was not doing it to gain Heero's attention. At the time he didn't really matter to me anymore, just one more stupid mistake in the whole world history of stupid mistakes. I don't know for sure, but there must be millions in that particular archive. So, why exactly did I do it? I don't know, really. I just… felt like it. At that point in time my life was pretty much mundane. The same monotonous routine day after day after day. I was bored and there was nothing I could do about it. So I decided to do something about it and well…

The cigarette thing started last June, and no one found out about it till a couple weeks ago. I vaguely remember the days following the first burn. There were meetings, there were people, there was paperwork, and there were Heero and Milli, sitting together in a room with a bunch of charts and calendars planning out the rest of my life. There was Noin, of course, chastising me for smoking and reminding me what it was doing to my body or more specifically my lungs. I told her to fuck the hell off and she looked at me as if I weren't her soon-to-be sister-in-law. I mean, what? Did she think I was so stupid that I didn't know that smoking was bad for you even after they'd been telling me for my entire life that it was? Please!

You see the problem with drug abuse and smoking resistance programs is that they're made to convince the dumb kids that'll probably end up smoking or doing drugs that it's wrong. However, the "problem" kids won't listen anyway and will be thinking something along the lines of "HA! Screw you I'll do whatever the hell I want!" and end up taking drugs or smoking anyway. It's all ludicrous if you ask me.

Anyway, after my little run in with Noin, Milliardo and I had a little talk which ended in me saying something along the lines of : "You can't control me! It's my life! Screw you I'll do whatever the hell I want!" You can see where I got the previous statement. After my "civilized discussion" I ran out of the mansion. That was not exactly the smartest thing to do, considering the fact that it was raining and all. But I didn't really care that time. I don't think I even noticed. I was off in my own perfect world where there were no hardships and everything was peaceful and calm and sunny. The only thing that brought me back to the "real" world was someone holding an umbrella over my head. That someone was Heero. I'm pretty sure he told me that I should get back inside before I got sick, and I'm pretty sure I told him to fuck off cause you're blocking the damn rain.

If memory serves me correctly, he literally dragged me back to the mansion where I ran into my room and went into my own perfect world, which I had dubbed Utopia. Later on when I went downstairs Noin told me I'd been staring at a wall for five straight hours. I laughed at her. How stupid could she be?

I remember after a while, everyone trying to "help" me. Trying to understand me. Trying to decipher the puzzle that was I. The stupid thing about it is that I would've told them if they'd just thought to ask. But they were too stupid to ask and so they never knew. Heero did ask, and I told him. He seemed to understand at least a little because he didn't tell anyone else.

One day, I was in the huge den of the mansion and I threw a lamp across the room. There wasn't any reason for the throwing of the lamp, I just felt like throwing something, and so I did. The lamp nearly hit Noin, but it didn't. It wasn't as if I was aiming for her anyway. Noin just sort of stood there, after the lamp had crashed to the floor near her feet. I asked her to please hand me the copy of Of Human Bondage from the bookshelf. She did so with a fake and stupid smile on her face. Like she was Miss Normal. Like I didn't know what she and Milliardo did behind closed doors with cans of whipped cream, handcuffs, and a couple thongs.

Heero appeared on my balcony one day out of nowhere. He looked me in the eye, and I looked right back. It was the first time I'd looked into his eyes since the Barton Foundation. The part of it that aggravated me, and that still aggravates me now is that he seemed to understand but at the same time be completely ignorant. He just looked at me. So in a way, I guess you could say he did help put me here. I'm not so sure if his contribution was unintentional.

Either way, after that meeting his eyes haunted me. That indecipherable expression, the message hidden within their blue depths. And suddenly I was choking. I was choking on my own free will, and I was choking on restraint. There was something hard and cold in my throat that wouldn't go away. Then I was drowning in my own despair and solitude, drowning in indecision, drowning, drowning in lies. In the lies of people who said they cared about me but in reality didn't. And I was stuck in this horrendous world forever and ever. Utopia turned on me; even now it eats at me.

There are people here who try to tell me that Utopia isn't real. That my world is just a dream. What they don't seem to understand is that it's undeniably real. They are the ones that are wrong. They with their stuffy lab coats and diplomas and huge offices and expensive cars. They are wrong. They are lying. Utopia is as real as their world and they know it. In their hearts and in their subconscious it's there. They're just too afraid of what might happen if they acknowledged it.

As for Heero, I don't know what he'll do. Or what he is doing. And I don't much care. The only reason I ever want to see him again is to get his eyes out of my head. Peel the image off and give it back to him. Because I'm still drowning, in a sea of pristine white walls, and denial and they both taste like shit.