After that, Grace decided she was done with crying for a while. For once, no one was holding a gun to her head. Literally or otherwise. And with each passing day the chances of Max and Jace making it to safety grew greater.
Besides, the "reunion" wasn't nearly as weird and masochistic as Grace had thought it might be. She and Logan had started out as friends and it wasn't so hard, after all, to go back there. She had missed him, and it was comforting to share the waiting with someone else. They continued to live their own lives, but they also ate together and went out together and did whatever they could to create the illusion of a romance, short of actually having one. In time Grace even grew used to the sight of Logan occasionally standing and walking, on those nights when a call from Lydecker sent him off on one investigation or another.
Grace did not speak to Lydecker again, nor did she ask Logan many questions. She preferred not to create opportunities for questions she didn't plan to answer or conversations she didn't want to have. To her relief, after she told Logan that no one at the hospital seemed to know anything about kidnapped nurses, the subject of that night never came up again.
For a long time, it seemed that the most dangerous aspect of life was her pleasure in sharing Logan's company again. Don't get comfortable, she told herself. Lydecker means business. He will return, and when he does, this party will probably be over.
And he did return. One night he asked Logan to bring Grace to the waterfront again. The location was different, but again Bling and Max's brother kept watch while the three of them met. Grace saw immediately that Lydecker had important news. He was eager, even impatient. When they had concealed themselves in a shadowy corner, he said immediately to Logan, "This is it. Can you move out tonight?"
"Yes," Logan replied without hesitation. Silently Grace sighed. How could such a smart guy be so uncritical sometimes? Move out? Where? Why? Of course she knew nothing of what had taken place since the night she had first met Lydecker; maybe this was all perfectly clear to Logan. Still, she decided to ask. "Move out where?"
"It's better if you don't know," Lydecker told her. "We'll be gone for some time. Your assignment is to maintain the illusion that Logan is right where he should be."
"Bling will be there, of course," Logan said, "but you're welcome to come and go as you please." He seemed to have caught Lydecker's excitement. His attention was now far from his immediate surroundings. It's Max, Grace realized. They believe they're going to find Max. It was the only thing that could have made both men come so alive. They were going off to rescue Max while she held down the fort. That was, if Max wanted to be rescued ...
"Get yourself ready and meet me back here," Lydecker was saying to Logan.
"I'm all set," Logan told him.
"Great. We leave in five, then."
"I'll get my things." Did "things" mean "guns," Grace wondered. Logan turned to her. "Take care," he said quietly.
"You too, please."
He looked straight into her eyes. "Grace. Thank you." To her relief he didn't try to say more, just held that look until she smiled a little and said, "Good luck." Then he turned away and left the warehouse. From the shadows behind her Lydecker said:
"He's not for you. He's in love with her. Always has been."
"No kidding," said Grace, irritated, which immediately chased away any desire she might have had to cry over this one last time. Lydecker merely gestured towards the open door and asked:
"Shall we?"
As they walked out, Grace wondered, Where is Max? What will come of this? Should she have tried to take Logan aside, tell him everything? But it was too late now. Events were moving out of her hands, and into Max's hands. It was up to Max now to vanish or be found.
-----------------------------------
THAT NIGHT: MAX'S DREAM
She wakes in the night crying, lying down someplace hard. Where is she? The hospital? The barracks? The ground? She doesn't know why she is so sad, only that she can't stop crying. She's calling Logan. A hand touches her shoulder, and a soothing voice says, Boo, what's wrong with you? Don't cry, now.
Cindy! She's so relieved she opens her eyes and sits up.
She's home, oh thank God, she's home, and there's Cindy, rubbing her back and looking at her with concern. What a nightmare, she tells Cindy, describing the explosions and the gunshots and the pain and being separated from Logan. All she wants to do is grab a cup of coffee and head out to work. She's probably late and Normal's probably really pissed. She looks around for clean clothes.
Cindy listens sympathetically and then says, I hate to tell you, but you got something else you need to do first. Pulling the curtain aside, Cindy points out to the living room, where Zack and Tinga and Ben sit. They've been here for weeks, Cindy says. I can't keep feeding them. Especially not when they bring the kids. She looks again and there are Charlie and Jace, watching Case and baby Max and Eva play.
What are they doing here? she asks, confused.
Cindy frowns. What do you mean? That's your family, sugar. They've been waiting for you.
I forgot, she says, horrified. Oh, Cindy, I'm sorry.
You got nothing to apologize for, boo. You been busy.
I'll take care of them, I promise.
Then she remembers something else. Oh no, she says. I was going to Logan's tonight.
Cindy looks surprised. You were? she says. After what he did to you?
What?
Like I been saying. Boys cheat. He's a boy just like the rest.
Now it all comes back, in an ugly rush of jealousy. Furious, she cries and throws the bed pillows at the wall. She's so angry she doesn't dare throw anything else. It would probably break right through the wall and land on some innocent passer-by outside. Cindy watches.
I hate her! she shouts.
Sugar, you just say the word and I'll smack her down so hard --
No, don't!
Why not?
She opens the curtain again. They're all still there. I can't have dinner with him tonight, she tells Cindy miserably. I'm needed here. But I don't want him to be alone.
I'm not even trying to hear that, Cindy says scornfully.
You don't understand. She's a good person, she says, beginning to cry again. I just hate her, that's all.
She pulls the curtain aside and walks into the other room.
-----------------------------------
THAT NIGHT: GRACE'S DREAM
She is back in Logan's apartment, at the party that happened ... when? The night Max returned? She can hear the festivities in other rooms, the music and voices, but this time she is not with the guests. She is alone in the hallway, standing before a mirror. She looks at herself and sees that her dirty sweater and jeans are gone, replaced by a blue gown, simple, elegant. Her hair is up. She's wearing makeup. Jewelry. She's never seen herself like this before. As she gazes at herself she realizes that a man has come up behind her. In the mirror she sees Colonel Lydecker, in military clothing and a clerical collar.
Come with me, he orders, and she turns away from the mirror to follow him down the hall. At the end of the hall is a closed door she has never seen before. He opens it, and when she steps inside she sees nothing but bare cement walls, a single chair, and a bright light. He takes the chair and says, Soldier, account for your actions.
I don't understand, she says.
No, you don't, do you? Then let me begin. First, you slept with him. You broke your vow.
I never took vows. You know that, she whispers. Still, she feels guilty.
Two. You broke your professional code. You took advantage of his weakness and his need, to indulge your own pleasure. You cared nothing for his welfare.
It was too soon, she admits. But I did care for his welfare. I thought it would be good for him.
That is not your decision! Your mission is not to think!
She feels tears begin to run down her face.
Three. You forgot your mission. Your mission was to return Max to base. You abandoned her in the field because you feared her. Because you wanted him for yourself.
The injustice of that final accusation infuriates her. Come see how I completed my mission! she shouts, opening the door and running down the hallway towards the party.
She stops at the edge of the room where no one can see her. Once again the guests have gathered, and once again the man with the crystal wineglass stands in front of the room. He picks up a bottle of wine from the table, reads the label, and holds the bottle out smiling. Pre-Pulse, he says. You've saved the best for last. A murmur of laughter and a little applause runs through the group. Then people shift and she can see Max and Logan standing at the front of the room, holding hands. Max is laughing the way she laughed the night the baby was born, all care and fear gone from her face. Logan looks nowhere else but at her.
She turns to Lydecker beside her and says, Here's what I did for him. Now you tell me what you have you done for her.
That is not for you to know, he says coldly.
You're the one who indulges your own pleasure. You want her for yourself.
I made her, he says. Who are you to question me?
A woman at the rear of the crowd turns around. Shhh, she frowns. It's time for the toast.
The man with the wineglass raises it in the air. My friends, he begins.
Silently, she and Lydecker watch Max and Logan embrace.
--------------------------------------------------
THAT NIGHT: LOGAN'S DREAM
It is a gray, cloudy, cold day. He sits in his wheelchair before an enormous outdoor fountain with a statue of an angel on top. There is no water in the fountain, only dead brown leaves. The trees are bare. He is alone. He recognizes this place. He came here as a child with his parents, before the Pulse. It's so cold. He holds his hands up to his face to warm them with his breath and when he lowers them, he's back in his owm apartment, looking at his watch.
He is late for an Eyes Only broadcast. He removes his glasses, turns on the camera, but instead of his own eyes appearing on the monitor, he sees Uncle Jonas there. Hello, Junior, it's been a while, Jonas says genially. Still working on your little bohemian projects?
Where are you? he asks.
Why Junior, I'm surprised you care. You've never wanted to be where I am before.
He turns away from the eerie image in the monitor and sees two women sitting at his table. It's Max, in the red dress she wore to Bennett's wedding, and Grace, in a blue gown the color of the sky. They are eating and drinking together. There is wine. They are laughing. He moves to join them, but a hand on his arm holds him back. He looks up to see his father standing next to him, watching Grace and Max. Pretty girls, his father says.
More than pretty. More than girls, he says.
Agreed. But son, is that all you can think of to do when they're here -- cook?
He makes an impatient noise and turns the chair away, rolls out the door. It opens onto a road at the foot of a mountain. Through the trees he catches glimpses of the snow-covered peak. Max is waiting for him there. He begins to roll along the road, but it's hard, very hard. His arms feel rubbery and weak, and some force puts up a great resistance to his wheels. Sometimes he doesn't move at all, sometimes he rolls back a little bit. His hands are dirty and dusty and blistered. One begins to bleed.
He wipes the blood on his leg and when he looks up Grace is standing there in the road. Max is waiting for me at the top. She got gas and sector passes, he tells Grace. She says nothing. He is beginning to panic because he is very late. Half of me is gone, he says, trying to explain why he hasn't made progress. But Grace smiles. I know, she answers sympathetically, taking his bleeding hand in hers, and suddenly he is high up on the mountain, on a ledge of rock, alone. In front of him is empty space. He feels sick and dizzy and frightened, up so high and so close to the edge.
Then, across the chasm, he sees a cabin, and he knows that Max is there. But he has no way to there from here. He dares not move the chair even an inch for fear of rolling right off the edge. There is a sound beside him and Zack is leaning against a rock, smirking.
What's the problem? Zack says.
I'm afraid of heights, he admits.
You could try praying, Zack says.
Maybe you haven't noticed. I'm having a little trouble getting down on my knees these days.
Just cross over. Ask that girlfriend of yours to get your back on it if you're scared.
You'd love to roll me off Mount Rainier, wouldn't you?
Zack laughs.
He looks again and sees what he didn't see before, a bridge over the chasm to where the cabin stands. Not daring to look down, he crosses the bridge and stops in front of the cabin. Porch steps. For him, they might as well be a chasm. His heart sinks.
Zack sits jauntily on the railing of the porch. Not bad, he says. But why are you looking for her here, with me? She's not here. She's gone.
He must find her. He rolls away and catches his breath. Behind the cabin is the fountain. It is now filled with water, clear blue splashing water. He lifts his eyes to the angel and as he does so hands touch his shoulders, a woman's hands. He smiles, closes his eyes, and leans back on her.
He can hear her heart beating.
THE END???
Besides, the "reunion" wasn't nearly as weird and masochistic as Grace had thought it might be. She and Logan had started out as friends and it wasn't so hard, after all, to go back there. She had missed him, and it was comforting to share the waiting with someone else. They continued to live their own lives, but they also ate together and went out together and did whatever they could to create the illusion of a romance, short of actually having one. In time Grace even grew used to the sight of Logan occasionally standing and walking, on those nights when a call from Lydecker sent him off on one investigation or another.
Grace did not speak to Lydecker again, nor did she ask Logan many questions. She preferred not to create opportunities for questions she didn't plan to answer or conversations she didn't want to have. To her relief, after she told Logan that no one at the hospital seemed to know anything about kidnapped nurses, the subject of that night never came up again.
For a long time, it seemed that the most dangerous aspect of life was her pleasure in sharing Logan's company again. Don't get comfortable, she told herself. Lydecker means business. He will return, and when he does, this party will probably be over.
And he did return. One night he asked Logan to bring Grace to the waterfront again. The location was different, but again Bling and Max's brother kept watch while the three of them met. Grace saw immediately that Lydecker had important news. He was eager, even impatient. When they had concealed themselves in a shadowy corner, he said immediately to Logan, "This is it. Can you move out tonight?"
"Yes," Logan replied without hesitation. Silently Grace sighed. How could such a smart guy be so uncritical sometimes? Move out? Where? Why? Of course she knew nothing of what had taken place since the night she had first met Lydecker; maybe this was all perfectly clear to Logan. Still, she decided to ask. "Move out where?"
"It's better if you don't know," Lydecker told her. "We'll be gone for some time. Your assignment is to maintain the illusion that Logan is right where he should be."
"Bling will be there, of course," Logan said, "but you're welcome to come and go as you please." He seemed to have caught Lydecker's excitement. His attention was now far from his immediate surroundings. It's Max, Grace realized. They believe they're going to find Max. It was the only thing that could have made both men come so alive. They were going off to rescue Max while she held down the fort. That was, if Max wanted to be rescued ...
"Get yourself ready and meet me back here," Lydecker was saying to Logan.
"I'm all set," Logan told him.
"Great. We leave in five, then."
"I'll get my things." Did "things" mean "guns," Grace wondered. Logan turned to her. "Take care," he said quietly.
"You too, please."
He looked straight into her eyes. "Grace. Thank you." To her relief he didn't try to say more, just held that look until she smiled a little and said, "Good luck." Then he turned away and left the warehouse. From the shadows behind her Lydecker said:
"He's not for you. He's in love with her. Always has been."
"No kidding," said Grace, irritated, which immediately chased away any desire she might have had to cry over this one last time. Lydecker merely gestured towards the open door and asked:
"Shall we?"
As they walked out, Grace wondered, Where is Max? What will come of this? Should she have tried to take Logan aside, tell him everything? But it was too late now. Events were moving out of her hands, and into Max's hands. It was up to Max now to vanish or be found.
-----------------------------------
THAT NIGHT: MAX'S DREAM
She wakes in the night crying, lying down someplace hard. Where is she? The hospital? The barracks? The ground? She doesn't know why she is so sad, only that she can't stop crying. She's calling Logan. A hand touches her shoulder, and a soothing voice says, Boo, what's wrong with you? Don't cry, now.
Cindy! She's so relieved she opens her eyes and sits up.
She's home, oh thank God, she's home, and there's Cindy, rubbing her back and looking at her with concern. What a nightmare, she tells Cindy, describing the explosions and the gunshots and the pain and being separated from Logan. All she wants to do is grab a cup of coffee and head out to work. She's probably late and Normal's probably really pissed. She looks around for clean clothes.
Cindy listens sympathetically and then says, I hate to tell you, but you got something else you need to do first. Pulling the curtain aside, Cindy points out to the living room, where Zack and Tinga and Ben sit. They've been here for weeks, Cindy says. I can't keep feeding them. Especially not when they bring the kids. She looks again and there are Charlie and Jace, watching Case and baby Max and Eva play.
What are they doing here? she asks, confused.
Cindy frowns. What do you mean? That's your family, sugar. They've been waiting for you.
I forgot, she says, horrified. Oh, Cindy, I'm sorry.
You got nothing to apologize for, boo. You been busy.
I'll take care of them, I promise.
Then she remembers something else. Oh no, she says. I was going to Logan's tonight.
Cindy looks surprised. You were? she says. After what he did to you?
What?
Like I been saying. Boys cheat. He's a boy just like the rest.
Now it all comes back, in an ugly rush of jealousy. Furious, she cries and throws the bed pillows at the wall. She's so angry she doesn't dare throw anything else. It would probably break right through the wall and land on some innocent passer-by outside. Cindy watches.
I hate her! she shouts.
Sugar, you just say the word and I'll smack her down so hard --
No, don't!
Why not?
She opens the curtain again. They're all still there. I can't have dinner with him tonight, she tells Cindy miserably. I'm needed here. But I don't want him to be alone.
I'm not even trying to hear that, Cindy says scornfully.
You don't understand. She's a good person, she says, beginning to cry again. I just hate her, that's all.
She pulls the curtain aside and walks into the other room.
-----------------------------------
THAT NIGHT: GRACE'S DREAM
She is back in Logan's apartment, at the party that happened ... when? The night Max returned? She can hear the festivities in other rooms, the music and voices, but this time she is not with the guests. She is alone in the hallway, standing before a mirror. She looks at herself and sees that her dirty sweater and jeans are gone, replaced by a blue gown, simple, elegant. Her hair is up. She's wearing makeup. Jewelry. She's never seen herself like this before. As she gazes at herself she realizes that a man has come up behind her. In the mirror she sees Colonel Lydecker, in military clothing and a clerical collar.
Come with me, he orders, and she turns away from the mirror to follow him down the hall. At the end of the hall is a closed door she has never seen before. He opens it, and when she steps inside she sees nothing but bare cement walls, a single chair, and a bright light. He takes the chair and says, Soldier, account for your actions.
I don't understand, she says.
No, you don't, do you? Then let me begin. First, you slept with him. You broke your vow.
I never took vows. You know that, she whispers. Still, she feels guilty.
Two. You broke your professional code. You took advantage of his weakness and his need, to indulge your own pleasure. You cared nothing for his welfare.
It was too soon, she admits. But I did care for his welfare. I thought it would be good for him.
That is not your decision! Your mission is not to think!
She feels tears begin to run down her face.
Three. You forgot your mission. Your mission was to return Max to base. You abandoned her in the field because you feared her. Because you wanted him for yourself.
The injustice of that final accusation infuriates her. Come see how I completed my mission! she shouts, opening the door and running down the hallway towards the party.
She stops at the edge of the room where no one can see her. Once again the guests have gathered, and once again the man with the crystal wineglass stands in front of the room. He picks up a bottle of wine from the table, reads the label, and holds the bottle out smiling. Pre-Pulse, he says. You've saved the best for last. A murmur of laughter and a little applause runs through the group. Then people shift and she can see Max and Logan standing at the front of the room, holding hands. Max is laughing the way she laughed the night the baby was born, all care and fear gone from her face. Logan looks nowhere else but at her.
She turns to Lydecker beside her and says, Here's what I did for him. Now you tell me what you have you done for her.
That is not for you to know, he says coldly.
You're the one who indulges your own pleasure. You want her for yourself.
I made her, he says. Who are you to question me?
A woman at the rear of the crowd turns around. Shhh, she frowns. It's time for the toast.
The man with the wineglass raises it in the air. My friends, he begins.
Silently, she and Lydecker watch Max and Logan embrace.
--------------------------------------------------
THAT NIGHT: LOGAN'S DREAM
It is a gray, cloudy, cold day. He sits in his wheelchair before an enormous outdoor fountain with a statue of an angel on top. There is no water in the fountain, only dead brown leaves. The trees are bare. He is alone. He recognizes this place. He came here as a child with his parents, before the Pulse. It's so cold. He holds his hands up to his face to warm them with his breath and when he lowers them, he's back in his owm apartment, looking at his watch.
He is late for an Eyes Only broadcast. He removes his glasses, turns on the camera, but instead of his own eyes appearing on the monitor, he sees Uncle Jonas there. Hello, Junior, it's been a while, Jonas says genially. Still working on your little bohemian projects?
Where are you? he asks.
Why Junior, I'm surprised you care. You've never wanted to be where I am before.
He turns away from the eerie image in the monitor and sees two women sitting at his table. It's Max, in the red dress she wore to Bennett's wedding, and Grace, in a blue gown the color of the sky. They are eating and drinking together. There is wine. They are laughing. He moves to join them, but a hand on his arm holds him back. He looks up to see his father standing next to him, watching Grace and Max. Pretty girls, his father says.
More than pretty. More than girls, he says.
Agreed. But son, is that all you can think of to do when they're here -- cook?
He makes an impatient noise and turns the chair away, rolls out the door. It opens onto a road at the foot of a mountain. Through the trees he catches glimpses of the snow-covered peak. Max is waiting for him there. He begins to roll along the road, but it's hard, very hard. His arms feel rubbery and weak, and some force puts up a great resistance to his wheels. Sometimes he doesn't move at all, sometimes he rolls back a little bit. His hands are dirty and dusty and blistered. One begins to bleed.
He wipes the blood on his leg and when he looks up Grace is standing there in the road. Max is waiting for me at the top. She got gas and sector passes, he tells Grace. She says nothing. He is beginning to panic because he is very late. Half of me is gone, he says, trying to explain why he hasn't made progress. But Grace smiles. I know, she answers sympathetically, taking his bleeding hand in hers, and suddenly he is high up on the mountain, on a ledge of rock, alone. In front of him is empty space. He feels sick and dizzy and frightened, up so high and so close to the edge.
Then, across the chasm, he sees a cabin, and he knows that Max is there. But he has no way to there from here. He dares not move the chair even an inch for fear of rolling right off the edge. There is a sound beside him and Zack is leaning against a rock, smirking.
What's the problem? Zack says.
I'm afraid of heights, he admits.
You could try praying, Zack says.
Maybe you haven't noticed. I'm having a little trouble getting down on my knees these days.
Just cross over. Ask that girlfriend of yours to get your back on it if you're scared.
You'd love to roll me off Mount Rainier, wouldn't you?
Zack laughs.
He looks again and sees what he didn't see before, a bridge over the chasm to where the cabin stands. Not daring to look down, he crosses the bridge and stops in front of the cabin. Porch steps. For him, they might as well be a chasm. His heart sinks.
Zack sits jauntily on the railing of the porch. Not bad, he says. But why are you looking for her here, with me? She's not here. She's gone.
He must find her. He rolls away and catches his breath. Behind the cabin is the fountain. It is now filled with water, clear blue splashing water. He lifts his eyes to the angel and as he does so hands touch his shoulders, a woman's hands. He smiles, closes his eyes, and leans back on her.
He can hear her heart beating.
THE END???