Flying Toasters and Other Such Debilitating Obstacles
by tbossjenn
***********
Everett Browning sat down at a table in the hotel restaurant and opened his laptop. Not a bad trip to D.C., but he was ready to get back to L.A.
"Can I take your order sir?" a loud voice asked.
Browning looked up and saw a big guy grinning down at him. His first urge was to shout for help, but then he realized the Hulk was his waiter. "Scrambled eggs and coffee please."
"Uh huh." The waiter was standing right over him now, looking at his computer.
Browning started to reconsider yelling for help. "Aren't you supposed to write that down?"
"Huh? Oh, right! I was just ... uh ..." The waiter tapped his ear, then triumphantly said, "I was waiting to see if you wanted anything else!" It sounded like he had read the statement off a cue card.
"I don't want anything else, thanks."
The guy still didn't go away. Instead, he leaned way over Browning's shoulder. "Cool computer! It looks like the one my friend's got! Do you play a lot of games on it?"
"I use it for work. Could you go get my coffee now?" Browning reached for the laptop, but the waiter grabbed it and held it up to his chest.
"This is AWESOME!"
"Give me that!" Browning tried to get the computer back, but the guy jumped out of his way.
"I'm just looking at it!" He backed away as Browning lunged at him again.
"Give it back!" Browning got his hands on the computer and tried to wrestle it out of the guy's hands, but the waiter pulled it back so hard he yanked Browning along with it. "Gimme it!"
"NO!"
"What's going on here?!" Hotel security ran up, and the big guy dropped the computer and dashed out the door.
"Are you all right, sir? Who was that guy?"
Picking up his laptop, Browning answered, "How the hell should I know?"
* * *
"What the hell happened?" Langly yelled at a sheepish Jimmy. They were all in the van going back to headquarters.
"I don't know, I guess I panicked."
"Jimmy, all we asked you to do was pretend to be a waiter and take a good look over Browning's shoulder," Frohike said, glaring at him. "Instead you go and play tug of war with the guy!"
"Hey, come on, he tried his best," Byers said from the driver's seat.
"You got no say in this, Byers. This is your fault too," Langly snapped. Byers frowned at him and turned back to his driving.
"Look, I know I messed up, but I got something, right? I had the laptop right in front of me."
"You want to see what you got?" Frohike asked. He turned on the t.v. and presented the footage that had been recorded by the small video camera taped to Jimmy's chest. "What kind of screensaver does Everett Browning use? Flying toasters, gentlemen, flying toasters!"
Jimmy was confused. "Toasters? I thought you guys were looking for something about the government."
"We were. Everett Browning has got evidence proving the government's involvement with his software company locked away in that laptop and all you got on tape was Browning's screensaver," Langly fumed.
"Don't forget Jimmy's trip to the bathroom." This from Frohike.
"I'm trying to forget. Really, really trying to forget."
"I did what you told me to do." Jimmy was starting to get mad.
"You didn't even wait for him to bring up his files!" Langly snapped. "Browning uses that laptop for everything, and he never opens it in public except for when he has breakfast on business trips. We lost our chance and now we don't have a story!"
"And it didn't even occur to you to take the computer with you when you ran away," Frohike added.
Jimmy stood up, towering unsteadily over the two Gunmen. "I said I was sorry," he growled.
"Whoa, don't get mad there, buddy!"
"Yeah, man, it's okay!"
Byers snickered from the front seat.
When they reached headquarters, Frohike said to Jimmy, "Well, you know you won't be doing anymore undercover jobs."
"Aw, come on! That's the funnest part!"
"You really screwed this one up, Jimmy."
"I know, but I can do better next time, I promise!"
Byers, who was sifting through the mail, held something up and announced, "I think I have the answer."
Langly squinted and said, "Community College?" It was a catalog of courses offered to working adults.
"There's a drama course being offered next month, and I think Jimmy should go," Byers stated in a matter-of-fact tone. "See, Jimmy, you weren't acting casual enough to pass for a waiter -"
Frohike snorted. "I'll say."
With a sigh, Byers continued. "You put Browning on his guard from the get go because of the way you approached him. You were acting strangely before you grabbed the computer, and waiters don't act strange. You need to learn how to behave normally while undercover. That way, you won't have to resort to ... well ... physical assault."
"Byers, you always think you have the answer," Langly said.
"I was right about the chroma-key, wasn't I?"
"Yeah, yeah ... Hey, while we're on the subject, how did we get out of there again?" Langly asked, scratching his head. "My memory's kinda hazy."
"It happened like this -" Byers was interrupted by the door buzzer. It was Yves (whose name I keep wanting to pronounce "Yeeves").
"Hello, boys, how did your little surveillence party go?"
"It was a bust thanks to Gigantor. But I'll bet you got something," Frohike answered.
"Maybe I did."
"Care to share anything?"
"Of course not. I came by to give you this." She handed Frohike a brochure. "It's a fitness gym that I think is worth checking out."
"You came over here to tell me to get in shape?"
Yves rolled her eyes and replied, "No, but I thought you'd be interested in what the government puts in the dietary supplements that are sold there."
"Some kind of drug?" Byers asked excitedly.
"I don't know, but I've heard from a pretty reliable source that the government is testing the effects of these supplements on people who exercise at that gym. They're supposedly trying to find a way to increase the strength of their soldiers."
Langly was suspicious. "Why are you giving it to us?"
Yves shrugged. "There's no money involved for exposing it. I figured this was something you four would be interested in. I guess you're not, too bad." She snatched the brochure out of Frohike's hand and started for the door.
"Wait, we're interested," Byers said. "If innocent people are being experimented on, it's our responsibility to put a stop to it."
Yves smiled. "All right, I'll be seeing you all later then." She laid the brochure down on the table and sashayed out the door.
"Guys, this sounds like a big story," Byers said.
"Everett Browning big?" Langly remarked.
"Don't start that again!"
Frohike scratched his chin. "I wonder how many babes are gonna be at this gym?"
"Hey, this drama class sounds cool!" No longer distracted by the presence of Yves, Jimmy was sitting on the couch reading the course catalog.
"So you'll do it?" Byers asked.
"Sure, but I don't really want to go by myself. Will one of you guys go with me?"
"Byers will go," Langly and Frohike said in unison.
"What?! Why me?"
"You were the one who let him be the waiter after he begged us," Frohike replied. "That means you go to school with him."
Byers refused to give up without a fight. "But what about the gym story?"
"Langly and I will handle it."
Defeated, the former narc sighed and said, "Okay, I'll go."
Jimmy's face lit up. "All right! This is gonna be great!" Clapping Byers hard on the shoulder, he almost knocked the Gunman down in his enthusiasm.
"Jimmy, if you pass this class then we'll reconsider letting you work undercover," Frohike said. "But not until then."
"Sure, whatever you say," the jock eagerly agreed, grateful for the second chance. "Hey, guess what else? Says here it'll only take me a few classes to be a licensed aromatherapist!"
* * *
"Oh my god, it's a Bally's Total Fitness Commercial," Frohike remarked. He and Langly had gone to check out the gym, and found themselves in the midst of many large, well-toned men. Suddenly both Gunmen realized how small and un-toned they actually were.
"I wanna get out of here, Frohike."
"Just a second, now. All we have to do is buy the supplements, then we can get out of here."
"Can I help you?" Standing before them was one of the most beautiful women they had ever seen (besides Yves).
"Now I remember my favorite part of that commericial," Frohike whispered to Langly. To the woman he said, "Hi, yeah, we wanted to buy some of your dietary supplements."
"Hi, I'm Cindy. Are you interested in signing up?"
"No, we just wanted the supplements."
"I'm sorry, but our policy says you first have to sign up and then come in for twenty visits before we can sell them to you."
"Sign up?" Langly said in horror.
"Twenty visits?" This from an equally horrified Frohike.
"Uh, we were just taking a look around, and we've had our look and we think we'll be going now," Langly said. He grabbed Frohike, who refused to budge. "Come on, Frohike!"
As Langly dragged him to the door, Frohike called out, "We'll think about it!"
* * *
Frohike and Langly were back at headquarters waiting for Jimmy. "Thanks a lot! The next time I go someplace where there's hot women I'm leaving you here," Frohike muttered.
"You saw those other guys. All by yourself you might've had a really slim chance but definitely not with all those Jimmys around."
"I might not be built like Jimmy but I can still kick your ass!" Frohike started towards Langly, but then Jimmy and Byers walked in. Frohike plastered on a grin. "Hey, Jimmy, how was class?"
Jimmy scrunched his face up in distaste. "We've got homework."
"Too bad. Say, wouldn't it be more fun to help me and Langly out with something?"
Jimmy's face brightened. "Like what?"
"We need your help with the gym story," Langly said, putting on his most sincere smile. "You'll join and after twenty visits they'll sell you the supplements. Then we can get the stuff tested."
"Why don't you guys join?"
"Weight training isn't exactly our area," Frohike answered.
"But you said I wasn't supposed to help you until I pass the acting class," Jimmy said.
"Yeah, and I think Frohike was right," piped up Byers. "You shouldn't do anymore undercover work until after you know for sure you're ready."
Jimmy nodded. "I getcha, Byers. I've got some studying to do." Jimmy went to his room, and Byers gave his colleagues a devilish smile.
"Okay, is this revenge or something?" Langly asked.
Byers held up his hands. "Oh no, I just happen to agree with Frohike that Jimmy should pass the class first. Have fun at the gym, guys; I've got some studying to do." Whistling, he headed towards his room.
Frohike shook his head. "Don't you love it when the narc gets smug?"
to be continued
Note for Nitpickers: Yeah, I know you don't have to go to a gym twenty times to get dietary supplements. And I know there was probably an easier and more hacker-ish way for the Gunmen to get the information from the laptop. But does that really matter? Catch you later for chapter 2.