Part III: Big Macs and Leather Pants: Life's Guilty Pleasures
by tbossjenn
Note: Okay, I know this took longer than forever to come out, and I'm really sorry about that. It's the final installment of the story, so at least you won't have to wait for anymore parts. Just a quick warning, there are a few very minor spoilers for A.I: Artificial Intelligence in case you haven't seen that movie. If you haven't, then you're probably better off. Frohike pretty much voices my opinion of it. Also, there is some excessive exercise trainer bashing that is not intended to offend anyone - I'm a member of a gym and I like it once I'm able to force myself to go. Oh well - apologies are over, hope you enjoy the story :)
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Since Byers didn't have anything in his closet except for nicely pressed suits, Jimmy and Byers visited the local Goodwill Thrift store in search of a costume for his part in "I.A.: Imitation Acumen".
"Wow! Look at this place!" Jimmy said in awe. "They've got everything in here!"
"Can I help you boys?" asked the elderly woman who was sitting next to an ancient cash register.
With pride, Jimmy answered, "We're actors, ma'am, and we need to get a costume for our play."
"Oh, how nice. What kind of characters do you play?"
"I'm a robot boy and John's a -"
"That's okay, we don't need any help. Thanks anyway." Byers pushed Jimmy over to a rack of musty smelling clothes.
"What'd you do that for?"
"Jimmy, you don't need to tell every little old lady we see that I'm playing a .. a ..." He looked around self-consciously for second, then said, "A male prostitute."
"Prostitute?" Jimmy asked loudly. "I thought you were supposed to be a gigolo." Byers just gave him a look, and realization dawned in Jimmy's face. "Ohhhhhh, I get it. Anyways, I wasn't gonna say you were a prostitute or a gigolo or whatever. I was just gonna say you play my best friend."
Suddenly feeling bad, Byers said, "Hey, I'm sorry, Jimmy. Why don't you help me find an outfit? I'll wear whatever you pick out."
Jimmy's face lit up. "Okay!" The two of them started rummaging around the small store, which wasn't at all organized. Byers was just considering a frilly blue tuxedo (not unlike the one he had worn to his senior high school prom) when Jimmy asked, "Do we need a lamp?"
"No, why?"
"Well, take a look at this one." He held up an old dusty lamp. "I think it would look great at headquarters - it'd give the place a little class. Whaddya think?"
Even though he knew HQ could do with a little more class, Byers said, "I don't really think we need that, Jimmy." The lamp was so covered with dust he could barely tell what color it was.
Jimmy sighed with feelings of nostalgia. "This is just like my uncle's basement where he kept lots of junk, and me and my brother would go looking around and pulling everything out and my uncle would yell at us to get the hell out." Smiling, he added, "Those were some good times." They looked around some more until Jimmy held something up in triumph. "This is perfect, Byers! You have got to wear this."
Byers looked up and stifled a groan.
* * *
Langly was lifting weights.
Actually, he was trying his best to lift the weights so he wouldn't accidentally strangle himself with them.
"Come on, Ringo, you can do it!" Rodd beamed down at Langly's purple face.
"Help me."
With a disappointed sigh, Rodd the Personal Trainer lifted the weight with ease and secured it. Langly sat up gasping for air. "It's okay, man, you'll get it soon. Lots of guys come in here like you and build themselves up pretty big," the jock said reassuringly.
"Maybe I'd do better if I could get those supplements," Langly suggested, hoping against hope.
"Sorry, you need to come in fifteen more times for that."
Five times. He'd been suffering this torture for only five times, and he'd have to come in for fifteen more appointments of torture. What was the point of this again? Oh yeah, to save Americans or something. Normally he liked saving Americans but this time he'd rather sit out and let Jimmy do it for awhile, only Jimmy was busy with that stupid class Byers had told him about. Byers ... yeah, this one must be Byers' fault ...
Frohike limped up with Big Hank in tow, and Langly commented, "Let me guess. You fell on the treadmill again."
"Actually, he got tangled up in the Nordic Track," Big Hank explained.
Wincing, Frohike replied, "Don't say a word, Langly."
"Hey, I'm not doing much better."
Big Hank clapped them hard on the shoulders. "Hey, guys, cheer up." Handing Frohike a slip of paper, he said, "This is the recipe for my Super Deluxe Body Building Power Shake. Drink some of that down and I gurantee you'll be feeling it."
"Thanks, Hank," Frohike said appreciatively.
On their way out, Langly asked, "You're not actually going to drink that, are you?"
"Relax, these ingrediants are all natural. Besides, it might help us. Coming here makes me miss training with Mrs. Hogg."
When they reached HQ, Langly and Frohike painfully got out of the van. "Frohike, there's no way I'm gonna make it," Langly said.
"Come on, there's a story here, man. No way those guys can look like that without taking something."
"Maybe they're all taking Big Hank's Super Milkshake. Why did we tell Jimmy he couldn't do anymore undercover jobs? This sucks!"
"Did you already forget how he messed up the last job? I hate to say it, but Byers was right - Jimmy needed that class." He paused by the door. "Hey, we can't let Byers know how much this is killing us, so don't collapse till you get to your room."
"Gotcha." Langly opened the door, and the two Gunmen were confronted by the sight of Byers and Jimmy holding hands. Seeing Langly and Frohike, Byers turned a brilliant shade of red and backed away from Jimmy.
Raising his eyebrows, Frohike asked, "Are we interrupting something?"
"No!" Byers answered defensively.
Jimmy gave the dapper bearded guy a hurt look. "You love me, right?"
"Very funny, Jimmy. You can cut it out now." Nervously glancing at Langly and Frohike, Byers said, "I have some ... stuff ... to do in my room." He rushed off.
Jimmy gave the guys a big grin. "Hey, how's the exercising going?"
"Hate it!" Langly stated, flopping down on the couch.
"Ditto," Frohike said.
"Oh come on, it could be fun if you guys weren't so ..."
"Weren't so what?" Frohike challenged.
"Ummm ... never mind. Hey, I still think you're the greatest even though you make really bad jocks."
"Thanks, Jimmy, that means a lot," Langly said with a dejected sigh. JFB ran up to the couch and twirled around in front of him, and Langly patted his head before the puppy raced over to Jimmy.
"Hey, Jeffie B! Were you visiting Langly? Come on, boy, I've got a surprise for you in the kitchen!" Jimmy walked into the other room with JFB at his heels.
Frohike eased himself into a chair. "Anything good on?"
" QVC."
"Anything else?"
"QVC."
Frohike shrugged. "Okay. Hey, how come you didn't push the dog out of the way earlier?"
"Too tired."
"Oh."
Langly and Frohike stared at the t.v.
The buzzer went off.
Langly and Frohike stared at the t.v.
There was a loud banging on the door.
Langly and Frohike stared at the t.v.
"Aren't you guys going to get that?" Byers asked, emerging from his room. The Gunmen-turned-temporary-jocks were intently gazing at a home shopping channel that was currently selling a gold ring with a stunning peridot and diamond setting for $79.98. Byers gave them a strange look before answering the door and paying for the pizza he had ordered for dinner. "Come on and eat, guys."
"Why don't we have it out here in front of the t.v.?" Frohike suggested, turning his head a little.
"Oh .. okay." Byers set the pizza down on the coffee table and pulled up a chair. Frohike and Langly, revived by the smell, eagerly inched forward but Byers shook his head. "You guys are in training, remember?"
"What are we supposed to eat then?" Frohike demanded.
"Here, I got this for you." Byers set a couple of big salads down in front of them.
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Byers, I am hungry, here, man!" Langly protested.
"That's plenty enough to fill you up, and it's more nutritional." Byers sat down to eat, and it was a strange and little-known fact that even though he was fastidious in just about everything else, he still ate his pizza just as sloppily as anyone while keeping his suit perfectly clean. "Hey, Jimmy, you're missing pizza!" he called out.
Jimmy came out of the kitchen with silverware and a plate. He carefully set his place before him on the coffee table, then proceeded to eat from an empty plate.
Langly watched him, counted to five, then asked, "What are you doing?"
"Robot boys don't eat - they pretend to eat," Jimmy replied. "From now on I'm going to pretend to eat."
"It's for the play," Byers explained.
"Oh right, the play," Frohike said.
"It's gonna be awesome!" Jimmy grinned. "Me and Byers are friends in the play, and we're friends in real life."
"So it's like art imitating life," Langly commented.
"Yeah, only I'm not really a robot boy."
"Byers, how did you get the second best role?" Frohike asked. "I thought you was supposed to be the worst actor in the class."
"Thanks a lot, Mel."
"Yeah, how did you get that part?" Langly added, picking at his salad.
Byers sighed. "Jimmy begged Dr. Jones to let me play his friend because he said he couldn't be the star otherwise. She didn't really like it, but she agreed."
"The pleasepleaseplease face, right?" Langly said. Byers nodded.
"Well, now you've got a chance to show the prof you're not so bad after all," Frohike said helpfully.
"Maybe."
Langly watched Jimmy put the bare fork in his mouth several more times before asking him, "What about when you get hungry?"
"Robot boys don't get hungry," the jock answered seriously.
After Byers finished almost all of the pizza entirely on his own and Jimmy was done pretending to eat, the two of them went to Byers' room to rehearse for the play. Frohike turned to Langly and asked, "What do you think they're really up to in there?"
"Who cares, I need food!" the frustrated Langly said, dumping the salad in the trash. They raided the fridge and found some ancient cartons of Chinese food and a container of fat free tapioca pudding. "Fat free?" Langly said, wrinkling his nose.
"That's Byers making up for all that pizza he puts away. Do you want to brave the Chinese?"
"Do you?"
The Chinese food soon went the way of the salad, and then Frohike pulled out Big Hank's recipe. "What about this? We've got the makings for it."
"Wow, that's convenient," Langly commented. "We don't have anything in the kitchen except for these exact ingredients. It's as if some greater force wants us to drink it or something."
Frohike shrugged. "Who are we to argue with fate?" The two of them quickly mixed everything up in the blender, and it came out looking like a vanilla milkshake. "Hey, this is pretty good!"
"Yeah," Langly agreed, downing the shake. "Big Hank actually scores a point!" They both liked it so much that they each had three more glassfulls before they noticed something was wrong.
Frohike groaned, clutching his stomach. "Langly ..."
"I know - my guts feel like they're going to explode."
Jimmy and Byers walked in and stared at them in alarm. "What happened to you guys?" Jimmy asked.
"We drank some of Hank's super shake and something in it made us sick," Frohike explained. "I don't why - everything in it is natural."
Byers picked up the recipe and scanned it, then raised his eyebrows. "This has coconut milk in it."
"So?"
"Do you guys remember Castaway?"
Realization dawned on the suffering Gunmen. "Oh man, I get the bathroom first!" Langly said, rushing into the hall. Frohike hurried after him, almost knocking Yves over.
"Well, don't say excuse me, or anything!" she called after him. "So where's the fire?"
"They've got the runs," Byers answered, then he saw with horror that JFB was trotting out of his room. "Oh, no!" He grabbed the cleaner and ran into his room.
"Three down, I guess there's just one more to go," Yves commented, giving Jimmy a sly look.
"How did you get in?" Jimmy asked, suddenly a little shy.
"I have my ways," she replied. "So what have you got here?" Yves was examining the medium sized cardboard box that sat in the corner.
"Oh, I made that for Jeffie B. It's a puppy bed."
"You made this? It's wonderful." One side of the box had been cut low so that the dog could easily go in and out, and the box was lined with a piece of carpet.
"It was easy," Jimmy replied bashfully. "I got the box from the grocery store, and the carpet was already lying around here."
Yves smiled at him. "Well, this definitely shows that you're not all jock, Jimmy."
"Yeah, I know. I'm a robot boy."
"What?"
"Well, I play one - I'm an actor in a play."
"Really?" Yves said. "A play?"
"Yeah, and Byers is in it too. Will you come see it?"
Yves was about to say she would be too busy seducing Prime Minister Tony Blair in order to uncover a secret conspiracy within the British Government, but Jimmy had that pleasepleaseplease look on his face - her only weakness. "All right, I'll be there," she sighed. Tony Blair would have to wait.
"Great! You can wear this!" Jimmy went into the other room and presented her with an old frilly yellow bridesmaid dress.
"Oh, thank you. You ... really shouldn't have."
"I didn't mind," Jimmy replied, grinning. "I'd really like for you to come see me in the play," he added softly.
"I'll come," she said, moving a little closer.
The tender moment of the only two non-geeks on the show connecting in a romantic kind of way was interrupted by Byers chasing JFB into the kitchen. "Bad dog! Come here!" JFB jumped into his bed and curled up into a little fuzzy ball, staring up at him with soulful eyes.
"Aw, come on, Byers, leave him alone," Jimmy said. "Guess what? Yves is coming to the play!"
"Oh, that's ... wonderful," Byers replied.
"I'd better be going," Yves said, her solid cool resolve replacing the 5 degrees of warmth she had just shown towards Jimmy. "I just came by see how Langly and Frohike were doing with their story, but I think I should come back later."
"Just don't go down that hall," Byers warned, indicating the way to the bathroom.
"I'll keep that mind." She started to leave, but Jimmy stopped her.
"Hey, Yves! You forgot your dress!"
"Oh, yes. I wouldn't want to forget that." She took it and left.
"Boy, she's the greatest!" Jimmy sighed. Then he turned to Byers and asked, "Do you love me?"
Byers rolled his eyes.
* * *
"Hey Mel, Ringo. I haven't seen you guys in a long time," Big Hank said accusingly. Frohike and Langly had just returned to the gym after being gone for more than a week.
"Your super shake made us sick," Frohike answered coldly, handing him the recipe.
Big Hank looked it over, then laughed. "Oh, man, this is the old version. The new one doesn't have coconut milk in it. Let me go find it."
"No thanks, Frohike replied, resisting the urge to strangle the beefy neck. "I think I'm through here. How 'bout you, Langly?"
"Definitely."
Big Hank shrugged. "Okay, have it your way, losers." He went over to Cindy and said, "Cut those two off the list. Hey, wanna come and watch me lift weights?"
"Okay!" Cindy giggled.
Steaming, Frohike watched them walk away. "I'm going to get him. But first, I'm dying for a Big Mac."
"I'm with you man," Langly agreed. "But what about the story? Byers is going to kill us."
"Don't worry, we'll get it." Frohike paused by the bulletin board to read a flyer, then tore it off and pocketed it.
"Okay, but it's kind of a shame."
"What?" Frohike asked, puzzled.
"My butt was starting to look a lot better in my jeans."
* * *
It was about a half an hour into the play when Yves made her way down the aisle and seated herself next to Frohike and Langly. "Did I miss anything?"
"Nope. Jimmy's been wandering around, pretending to be a robot - for a loooong time," Frohike answered. "Byers hasn't even shown up yet. So what name are you going by tonight?"
"Yves Adele Harlow."
"Oh really?" Frohike asked, arching an eyebrow.
"I couldn't come up with anymore anagrams, okay?" Yves glared at him threateningly.
"Okay, okay!" Changing the subject, he commented, "I see you're wearing your present."
"Jimmy was nice enough to buy it for me, so I thought I'd wear it this once."
Langly snorted. "It probably only cost him about five bucks."
"So what? It's the thought that counts, Langly. Besides, with a little washing and alteration, it's not so bad." Not so bad indeed: even in a musty old bridesmaid-turned-party-dress, Yves still managed to look stunning. She sat up in her seat. "Look, there's Byers."
Byers sauntered onto the stage in an opened button up shirt and tight leather pants, his cheeks burning bright red. Langly and Frohike tried to stifle their laughter, but couldn't. People sitting nearby turned and frowned at them.
"Will you two hush!" Yves whispered.
"Oh my god, sitting through this play is so worth it now!" Langly said, tears streaming down his face.
"Go ahead and laugh, but Byers doesn't need to go to a gym," she replied.
"What? You think the narc looks good in leather pants?" Frohike asked in surprise.
"Of course, any woman would. He's the cute one in your little boy band, didn't you know that? Besides, there's more to Byers than just narc." A wicked smile, and she added, "Much more."
Byers approached the miscellenous actress onstage and deadpanned, "I can tell you're nervous, but you deserve this. You deserve me. I am your supertoy, here to give you every pleasure you could ever desire. I will pleasure you in ways you have never imagined in your best nights of wild fantasies when you laid alone in bed, feverish for the love of a real man - a man who could really understand your needs." Nervously, he ad-libbed, "It'll be that good."
"Does it hurt?" the girl asked.
"Byers wouldn't know!" Langly snickered. "Ow!" Yves had kicked him hard with her high heeled shoe.
"Another snide comment like that and I'll make sure you will never know," she hissed.
Just then, Jimmy rushed on and shouted, "HELP ME! THEY WANT TO MELT MY FACE OFF!" A couple of futuristic police officers entered, and Jimmy grabbed Byers' hand, saying, "Please protect me, please protect me, please protect me..."
"Let go." Byers tried to shake off Jimmy's hand, but the jock-playing-robot-boy tightened it into a vice-grip and Byers protested in what sounded like real pain: "Ow! Let go, you idiot! Let go of me! Leggo!" He struggled for a few minutes, then the futuristic police officers approached them officially.
"We'll melt both their faces off. Let's go." They led both Bobby the Boy Robot and Male Stripper Mike away, then the curtain fell for intermission.
"Thank god," Langly said. "I feel like we've been here for a few hours."
Frohike frowned. "We have been here for a few hours, and it's only half over."
"No, I'm sure there can't be that much more left," Yves assured them.
Four hours later, all the Gunmen plus one unofficial Gunwoman walked out of the college theater. "I cannot believe how long that play was," Langly grumbled, rubbing his stiffened neck.
"I know, there were a billion places where it could have ended - where it should have ended," Frohike commented.
"It sucked so bad!" Langly added.
"No it didn't!" Yves admonished him. "Don't you know anything? This play had the essence of Alice in Wonderland or Wizard of Oz, and it was a perfect reimagining of Pinochio. It was brilliant. Don't you think so, Byers?" She turned to the one Gunman she figured would be intelligent enough to back her up.
"I think I was a little too close to the material to make a decision either way," he replied, glad to be finally out of those leather pants. He still couldn't believe Jimmy was able to find them in that thrift shop.
"Come off it, Yves," Langly said, "You weren't really watching the play, you were watching Byers strut around in his pants."
Turning a brilliant shade of red, Byers swung around to face Yves, who quickly said, "That's ridiculous." She rushed ahead and walked next to Jimmy.
"She didn't really ..."
"Oh, yeah she did," Frohike said, clapping the embarrassed narc on the shoulder. "There may be hope for you yet, John Boy. Just keep wearing those leather pants."
"Sorry you guys had to sit through all that. I know Jimmy really appreciated it."
"Hey, I don't think it was so bad," Frohike said. "It had some cool stuff going on in it, but I don't see why Jimmy kept jumping in that pool over and over at the end."
"No, there was nothing cool about it, Frohike," Langly said firmly. "It was seven hours of my life I will never get back. Ever."
"You guys didn't like it?" Jimmy had turned to look at them, and there was a sad and disappointed expression on his face.
"We liked it, buddy," Frohike reassured him, giving Langly a dirty look. "It was just a little long, that's all. You were great, though," he added sincerely.
"Yeah, man, I never knew you could act so good," Langly agreed. They were both serious. "It's too bad some of that didn't rub off on Byers."
"Thanks," the narc said sarcastically.
"There was that one part where you were holding hands that you weren't too bad, Byers," Frohike said. "You didn't look like you were acting then."
"I wasn't." Byers massaged his still-hurting hand.
"Don't worry Byers, you were there for your presence, not for your words," Yves said, giving him a pat on the arm. "I appreciated you." She gave him a devious smile before heading to her car.
"Yves is so cool, she said I was so great in the play!" Jimmy said, a Big Grin lighting up his face. "And Dr. Jones said I was getting an A+, the best grade in the whole class!"
"I'm getting a C," Byers said with a grimace. He had never gotten such a low grade before.
Frohike walked over to Jimmy and said, "Hey, since you're such a good actor now and all, I was hoping you could help Langly and me with a special project."
"Sure! What project?"
* * *
Battlefield: Big Hank's Gym
Jimmy casually walked up to Cindy at the front counter. Flashing her The Big Grin, he said, "Excuse me, miss, I'd like to sign up as a member."
"Sure! Here you go!" Cindy smiled and blushed as she handed him the form.
"Oh, yeah, I was wondering - could I buy some of those supplements you guys have?"
"I'm sorry, but you have to come in for twenty visits first."
"But I'd really like to get some now." Jimmy summoned his powers, then gave her his very best pleasepleaseplease face.
Cindy never stood a chance.
Jimmy walked past Langly and Frohike on his way to the locker room and grinned at them. "That was easy!"
Langly was mystified. "How does he do that?"
"I dunno - I guess we'll have to file that one under 'The Unsolved Mysteries'. Hey Langly, check that out!" They burst out laughing as they saw Mrs. Hogg putting Big Hank and Rodd through an intensive workout on the treadmill. The two jocks looked like they were running for their lives.
"Come on! You two say you are physical trainers? You wouldn't last two minutes in Germany! Run, now! Run!"
"Hi, Mrs. Hogg!" Frohike said, smiling.
"Melvin, it's so wonderful to see you," she said. "Oh, and thank you so much for this job! They did not want to hire me at first, they thought I was too old. Well, not anymore."
"I knew you'd be perfect for it," he replied, glancing over at Big Hank.
"You must come over sometime and I'll make some nice things for you to eat. Bring your friends!"
"Sure, I'll do that. I'll see you later." He and Langly walked past Rodd and Big Hank, who both looked very unhappy.
"Bye, boys." She turned to the jocks and demanded, "Why are you slowing down?! Keep running!"
The End?