Part 4
Figure 1: (coming into the
light) Oh great, sis! Another pervert!
Figure 2: (also coming into the
light) We'll deal with him as soon as we've whipped Darling into shape, Tira!
Jesse: Who's 'Darling'?! And who the hell are you people?! You look like you jumped off the cover of Penthouse!
(They
ignore her and start beating the crap out of the monster, laughing hysterically
all the while.)
James: They're kind of like
Amazons.
Brock: (drooling) They're
beautiful!!
James: (righteous) If you're a
shallow half-wit with no taste whatsoever!
Jesse: Hmm! (looking proud)
Ash: (furious) Hey!! You can't do that!! Stop hurting my Pokemon!!
Misty: Oh Ash, give it a rest!
(The
monster shrinks into the shape of a young man.)
Man: Owww!! Man! Why do you guys always have to be so rough?!
Girl 1: (slipping a red cloak on
over her skimpy costume) It's your own fault for being so destructive, Carrot!
Girl 2: (slipping a purple
miniskirt, pink shirt and blue jacket over her own costume) Darling, why do you
always run away from me?! I just want
you to love me! (latching on to him
coyly)
Carrot: EEEE!! Chocolate, lay off it!
Girl 1: (irritated) Chocolate,
cut it out!
Chocolate: I'm just showing my
affections, Tira! (leaning her head on
Carrot's shoulder) Let's go somewhere where we can be alone, Darling!
Carrot: Eee—let's not!!
Meowth: (to Jesse and James)
These three are more messed up dan you two…
(Jesse
and James look pissed but don't say anything.)
Ash: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY
POKEMON?!! YOU TURNED HIM INTO A
GUUUUUYYY!!!!!!!! (crying)
Misty: My life sucks. (grabbing Ash roughly by the arm) Okay, that's enough excitement for one
day! Time to go!!
Pikachu: Piii-kaa… (Why
do I never have any lines???)
Brock: (running up to Tira)
Allow me to introduce myself, Miss!! My
name is Brock, gym leader of the Pewter City Gym! Would you be open to catching a pizza with me later?
Tira: (irritated) Don't even
think about it, buddy…
Chocolate: (interested) I wouldn't
mind going for pizza.
Carrot: Hey!!
Brock: (shocked) Really?!
Chocolate: (pushing Carrot away and
latching onto Brock) Sorry, Darling! A
girl can't pass up a good thing when she sees it! (to Brock) Shall we be going, Brett?
Brock: It's Brock.
Chocolate: Whatever.
Brock: (excited) Alright!! I have a date!!
Carrot: I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OBSESSED
WITH ME, CHOCOLATE!!!
Chocolate: It's time I found a
man who really appreciates a
beautiful girl. (cheery grin) Bye!
(James
bursts out laughing at Carrot's predicament.)
Tira: Sis, you can't just leave
us here and go out for pizza with some stranger!! We've got an assignment to finish!
Jesse: (bored) Shall we be
leaving, James and Meowth? This is a bore!
James: (still laughing) No
way! I'm enjoying this way too much!!
Meowth: (also laughing) Ha, ha,
she dropped him like an old shoe!! Ha,
ha, ha!!
Jesse: Oh, jeez! We can watch soaps at home if we want to see
crushing break-ups!
Carrot: I don't get it!! I always hated being obsessed over by
Chocolate and now she's not!!! Why am I
not happy?!!!
Tira: (bristling) I don't know,
but we're not letting her get away with this—we have a job to do!! (grabbing Carrot by the arm) We're following
her and putting a stop to this!!
Carrot: (wimpy) Hey, be
gentle!! Ow ow ow!
James: (to Jesse) Let's follow
them too! I'm really hungry!
Meowth: Pizza pizza pizza
pizza!!
Jesse: (pouty) But I hate
pizza! We have it all the time!
James: (grabbing her by the arm)
Well maybe it's an Italian restaurant and they serve other things!!
Jesse: (eyes glittering)
Really?! Italian?! I love Italian food—it's so romantic!
James: (pulling her along) Yeah,
yeah, whatever, let's go eat!
Meowth: (running after them) I
STILL WANT PIZZA!!!
"Is that all?"
"I don't know. Do you want to add anything?"
"Add anything?! This is my fanfic and you wrote almost the
entire thing!!"
"Well not all of it—you wrote that part where—"
"ALMOST all of it!!! About ninety-nine point nine percent of this
story is your lame material!!
This isn't looking so good.
"LAME?!! My stuff wasn't half as pathetic as yours, you bastard!!"
"I can't believe you've got the
nerve to call yourself my best friend, you slime-sucking sonofa—"
How about I finish this story
before this thing gets too messy…
As the entire cast of our twisted
tail went out for Italian and pizza, the automatic nuclear warhead launcher at
a nearby military bunker malfunctioned, engulfing the entire area within a
ten-mile radius in a gigantic mushroom cloud. So much for a romantic Italian dinner. But those lucky enough to be outside of that ten-mile radius witnessed a
pretty spectacular display of fireworks in the sky that evening.
Professor Oak: (looking up from his
dinner at an outdoor Italian restaurante) What
in the world?! Is it the Fourth of July already?
Mrs. Ketchum: Oh!! How beautiful!! I hope my Ash can see these!!
Professor Oak: (dryly) Judging how
high they're shooting, I'm sure he can, Mrs. Ketchum.
Mrs. Ketchum: (pointing) Oh, look,
Professor! That one's going straight
towards your house!
Professor Oak: MY LAB!!!! YAAAAGH!!!
Poor Professor…Oh well. That's the price you pay for putting all
your taxes into nuclear weaponry research.
And everyone who was still alive,
(such as Team Rocket, because they're indestructible. The thought of a nuclear warhead even harming them is laughable) lived
mediocrily ever after, because let's face it—there's no such thing as happily
ever after.
James: Jesse, are you okay?!!
Jesse: (coughing) What was that?
James: (hugging her so hard she can't
breath) YOU'RE ALIVE!!!!!
Meowth: Well duh!
Jesse: Let's get out of here, James.
James: (pouting) But we didn't get
to have dinner!
Jesse: I think you'll live…
The End!!
Pause.
"Hey,
that was actually not too bad. Did you
write that?"
"Nope."
"Weird."
"Steve, do you ever get the feeling
that we're being controlled by higher beings?"
"That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard, Flin. Come on,
buddy. Let me buy you a beer in honor
of this all being over."
"Woo-hoo!"
Well I'm glad they like it. But
something seems to be missing…One last element of the typical happy ending
story…
As the trio of villains walked
away into the light of the dawning sun, James put his arm around his lovely
partner's waist and kissed her softly. And they lived pretty happily ever after.
Thanks, James. I knew I was
missing something.
"Sometimes
a guy has to put matters in his own hands."
"You only kissed me because I
let you, James! Don't ever do it again!"
"Yeah, right, Jess! You know ya liked it!"
"No I didn't, you stupid cat!"
"I saw how ya leaned inta
him! You like him!"
"Why don't you come back here
and say that again, Mr. Smarty-Cat?! I'll
wipe that big smirk of your furry face!! Get back here!!"
…! *sigh* I'm not even going to bother…