THE RED BANK, NJ CHRONICLES: EPISODE #101
DISCLAIMER: As you will probably notice a few sentences into this fic, I am a die-hard Kevin Smith fan. I am in no way bashing Kevin Smith, it's just a work of satire. Also, these characters were all created by Kevin Smith, etc., etc....
EXT. BLOCK OF STORES - DAY
RANDAL walks out of RST VIDEO, locks the door, and walks over to the QUICK STOP.
INT. QUICK STOP CONVENIENCE STORE
DANTE is slouching behind his cashier desk, looking tired.
The sound of a door opening (jingling) is heard, and DANTE suddenly looks more awake.
DANTE
(back to looking gloomy and sleepy)
Oh, it's you...
RANDAL
What do you mean, "oh, it's you?" Jesus, you're testy.
RANDAL goes to the refrigerator.
DANTE
I'm not testy, it's just...
RANDAL grabs a GATORADE and takes off the cap.
DANTE
Hey, you're paying for that. I've taken a lot of shit from the boss about taking free beverages.
RANDAL
Man, where do you put all that shit that you take from the boss? Do you store it all in a broom closet?
DANTE
Please, I'm not in the mood...
RANDAL
(takes a sip of GATORADE)
Not in the mood for what?
(beat)
Tell me, how long have we worked at this block of stores?
DANTE
(sighs)
Eight years...
RANDAL
Eight years! How the fuck is that for commitment? We've been sitting behind cash registers hour after hour in these shit-holes! And what does the boss give us in return? Minimum wage. You'd think he'd show some compassion and let us take some free shit every once in a while for our service.
DANTE
Listen, I just...
Sound of door being opened (jingling) is heard.
VINCENT walks in, holding a mop.
VINCENT
Okay, I've mopped RST Video and the Quick Stop. I have been for years trying to show our respected employers that I am the one who should be in charge of RST Video, and that Graves here should be the one mopping the porno section. But for some reason, they have still not been able to grasp that you...
(glares at RANDAL)
...are a negligent twat who can not handle keeping the store open for thirty minutes without going to the Quick Stop to cry on your buddy's shoulder and steal snacks.
RANDAL pours the rest of his GATORADE on to the floor.
RANDAL
Jesus, you're going to have to clean that shit up before the boss shows up, or you won't get your paycheck.
(Beat)
Get moving, you fucking waste of human life.
VINCENT spits in RANDAL'S face.
VINCENT
You better sleep with one eye open tonight, Graves, or you might just wake up with an AIDS-infected needle up your ass.
DANTE
(looking worried)
Um...don't worry, Vincent. I'll clean that up for you. You just go home.
VINCENT
I vow that I will see to your destruction, Graves.
(angrily walks off camera)
We hear a door closing (jingling)
RANDAL
(imitating DANTE)
"Oh, don't worry, Vincent. I'll clean that up for you. You just go on home."
(normal voice)
Jesus, what are you doing? Fucking him?
DANTE
(angrily)
What the fuck is your problem? Haven't you learned your lesson? The last time you taunted Vincent and he was through you, you claimed that Santa Clause and his elves lived in an apartment in between these two stores. You know that kid's fucking insane.
RANDAL
I also know he needs to show some fucking respect to his elders. It's in the book, man. The employers can pick on the clerks, the clerks can pick on the mop boys.
DANTE
Now you're just talking out of your ass. The employers pay us, which calls for unquestionable respect. Clerks are in no way authority figures to custodians.
RANDAL
Bullshit. When we were in sixth grade, we've been picked on by the eighth graders. And we took it! The eighth graders didn't pay us, but they were a higher rank than us, which causes fear. Which is the same case for us. Our ranks are higher than that spooge-pirate mop boy, therefore we have every right in the world to make him feel uncomfortable.
DANTE
(looks out the window)
Hey, there are some people waiting outside RST.
RANDAL
Shit, great...now I have to deal with those socially devoid fucks...
(rolls eyes)
RANDAL walks off camera.
We hear a door closing noise (jingling).
Zoom in on DANTE, who is now back to his slouching, tired position.
DANTE
He forgot to pay for the fucking Gatorade...
INT. COMIC TOAST
STEVE-DAVE and WALT are standing behind their
register desk. We see people walking around in the background. STEVE-DAVE is looking at a Wizard magazine with Brodie on the cover.
STEVE-DAVE
I don't believe it, Walt. Everybody's suddenly
all gawky over that Bruce fuck. They say that he's responsible for the return of the comic book industry.
WALT
The force can have a small influence on a weak
mind.
STEVE-DAVE
What did I tell you, Walt? Only I can make the Star Wars references. But you bring up a good point. A bunch of 15-year-olds stay up late, watch that fuck on the Tonight Show, he makes some homophobic jokes, suddenly he's their leader.
WALT
Tell it, Steve-Dave...
STEVE-DAVE
He's created even more of an obsessed fan-base by opening his own website, where people can buy merchandise signed by him. But the thing that really hypnotizes the fans is his message board. He has all these staff members from The Tonight Show go on the message board and pretend that they care about what the fans have to say.
WALT
I bet there's only four people on it.
STEVE-DAVE
No, that's the sad part. There are hundreds of them. All brain-washed by that Brodie fuck and his chocolate covered pretzel routine. So of course, people at the comics industry hear that he's obsessed with comics, so they ask him to write a comic with a familiar Marvelous character. He writes it; of course, it's a piece of shit. The guy's all obsessed with Catholicism. And the book has too much fucking dialogue. But of course, everybody digs it, and suddenly he's a distinguished comic book writer.
WALT
The comic book industry doesn't need that jack-off, right, Steve-Dave?
STEVE-DAVE
Do not interrupt me in the middle of my in-depth, hate-ridden monologue, Walt.
WALT
Sorry, Steve-Dave.
STEVE-DAVE
Anyways, after the Marvelous comic, he starts writing comic books based on characters from sketches from his TV show, published by some underground industry, and everybody buys it. It's mostly filled with the same homophobic jokes that you can just see on his show. And he's always making obscure references to his TV show. So, he opens this comic book store in Jersey called Brodie's Secret Stash. It's just an ordinary comic book store, except he has some props and merchandise from the Tonight Show. So people trek from all over the world to go there, and suddenly he's a fucking millionaire.
A man walks up to the cash register.
STEVE-DAVE
(grabs the guy's comics)
Okay, let's see, you've got...Brodie Comics numbers 1 through 20, the Brodie Comics trade paper back, My Cousin Walter: The Graphic Novel, and "Would You Like a Chocolate Covered Pretzel?: The Brodie Story"...
(sighs)
All right...that's $78.59.
The man takes the money out of his wallet, gives STEVE-DAVE the cash and grabs his books.
STEVE-DAVE
$3.50's your change. Have a...good day.
(gives man change)
Man walks off camera.
STEVE-DAVE
(to WALT)
Can you fucking believe that? People are spending their hard-earned MONEY on that shit.
WALT
Oh, I forgot, we just got a shipment of the new Bluntman & Chronic graphic novel in. They're expected to sell pretty quickly.
STEVE-DAVE
(groans)
Man, that makes me fucking sick. I thought when those two fucks broke up, the whole Bluntman & Chronic thing was over. But no, Edwards wasn't happy with all the money he made with that Baby-Dave shit, so he decided to make a fucking Bluntman & Chronic movie.
WALT
Yeah, that movie was a piece of shit.
STEVE-DAVE
I told everybody that on the Internet, before I saw the movie...just based on the trailers. You know my Strike Back Against Bluntman and Chronic website? People are actually buying that story about a production assistant who was assaulted by Banky Edwards.
WALT
Yeah, well, all the sensible people need you to lead them, Steve-Dave. No matter what you have to say.
STEVE-DAVE
My hate community is growing strong, Walt. We couldn't prevent B&C from being the number one movie in America for the first day, but now it's number 3. That Banky fuck's probably crying right now.
WALT
(at the computer)
Yeah, look at what Edwards did on his website. He actually begged people to see the movie on the first two days. He says if they mailed in the ticket stubs, he'd send them autographed and personalized B&C posters. That's fucking pathetic.
STEVE-DAVE
Yes, Walt, and rumors are that George W. is going to be president.
(smacks WALT)
Where the fuck have you been? Every distinguished internet-goer knew that last week. Jesus...I'm going to lunch, you man the store while I'm gone.
WALT
You got it Steve-Dave.
STEVE-DAVE is about to walk off when WALT stands up and grabs STEVE-DAVE by the shirt collar.
WALT
Steve-Dave?
STEVE-DAVE
Yes, Walt?
WALT
I love you, Steve-Dave.
STEVE-DAVE
I know, Walt.
STEVE-DAVE walks off camera. Romantic music plays as WALT watches STEVE-DAVE longingly, with a tear rolling down his face.
EXT. QUICK STOP - DAY
JAY and SILENT BOB are leaning against the QUICK STOP, enjoying a smoke. They are standing right under a "NO LOITERING" sign.
JAY
(singing)
Your name is Bob
And you are funky
You get no pussy
So you spank your monkey
(dances)
SILENT BOB looks offended and smacks JAY.
JAY
Man, Silent Bob, don't get offended, it's fuckin' Prince. He's the fucking man. Noonch.
SILENT BOB shrugs and resumes smoking his blunt.
JAY
That's fuckin' funny. Shit, I can't wait until fuckin' tonight. We're gonna go to Olaf's fuckin' party, meet some chicks, and smoke some fuckin' pink! Naga-nooch!
SILENT BOB smacks JAY.
JAY
What? Shit, Justice can't fucking expect me to wait for her to get out of prison. I can't wait six months to put my dick in some clam, you know?
LANDO walks by.
JAY
Hey, Lando.
LANDO
Hello.
LANDO walks in to the QUICK STOP.
INT. QUICK STOP
DANTE notices LANDO and quickly darts his hands up in the air.
DANTE
Please, don't shoot! Take any money y----
(takes a closer look)
Oh, hey Lando. The usual? Grape soda and a pack of Nails?
LANDO
What? I've never ordered that...Um...I need a four-pack of AA bat---
Sound of door opening (jingling) is heard. CUSTOMER walks in. CUSTOMER walks over to DANTE'S desk.
CUSTOMER
Hey...uh...do you...uh...speak...y'know, English....well?
DANTE
Yeah. What can I get you?
CUSTOMER
Oh, thank Christ. The other two clerks who work here, shit, I can't understand a fucking word they say. They should be shipped back to India where they belong.
DANTE
Well, we do believe in equal opportunities. You know, the whole land of the free thing. So, what can I get you?
CUSTOMER
Oh, nothing. I just wanted to make sure there was somebody here who could fucking speak English. Know what I'm saying?
CUSTOMER walks off camera. A door closing (jingling) sound is heard.
DANTE
(shakes head)
All right, Lando, what do you need?
LANDO
Um, a four-pack of AA batteries, please.
DANTE
All right, "G," I'll get you what I can, "yo."
(chuckles, feeling that he had communicated with LANDO)
DANTE grabs a pack of batteries and hands it to LANDO.
DANTE
Okay, that'll be $4.50. And here at the Quick Stop, we do accept food stamps.
LANDO, confused, hands DANTE the money. The camera follows him as he walks out of the QUICK STOP. He bumps in to RANDAL at the door, who is holding a stapled packet of paper.
RANDAL
Oh, hey, whuddup, Lando?
LANDO
(shakes his head)
Hello...
(walks outside)
Camera follows RANDAL walking to DANTE.
RANDAL
Hmmm, what's wrong with him?
DANTE
Don't know...Hey, you owe me $1.50 for the Gatorade.
RANDAL
Oh, shit, I don't have any cash with me.
DANTE
(rolls eyes)
Why do you always do this?
RANDAL
Hey, don't have a period, rag-boy. I'll get you your money; don't worry.
DANTE
I'm sure...
(notices RANDAL'S packet)
Hey, whatcha got there?
RANDAL
This? It's a Bluntman and Chronic fan fiction.
DANTE
What the hell is a fan fiction?
RANDAL
Oh, c'mon! Get with the times, Dante! A fan fiction is a fictional story that someone writes using characters from movies and TV shows. Most are written by people who can't read and write for shit. The people who write the fan fictions then post them on the Internet. You do know what the Internet is, right?
DANTE
Yes...so, people actually spend time writing these...fan fictions?
RANDAL
Oh, sure. Hours. There are hundreds of dot-net and dot-com sites devoted to posting people's fan fics. There're even websites devoted to fan fics about Brodie.
DANTE
Your cousin Brodie? The one who hosts the Tonight Show?
RANDAL
The one and the same. There are hundreds of 'em on the net.
DANTE
That's insane.
RANDAL
All those Star Wars and Star Trek novels? They're just 400-page fan fictions. Most of them concentrate on things that only appeared in about five seconds of the movies. That's what most fan fiction writers do...they brag about how much they know about their subject.
DANTE
Hey, look outside! There's Skeeter!
RANDAL
Who the fuck is Skeeter?
DANTE
Duh! We got stuck with him in the Quick Stop freezer at the end of Clerks the Animated Series Episode #102: "The Clipshow Wherein Dante and Randal are locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Greatest Moments of Their Lives," which originally aired on June 7th, 2000 at 9:30 pm on ABC. Burnout...
RANDAL
Oh yeah...
RANDAL and DANTE stare at the camera.
DANTE
But on a more serious note...Parents, if you think that your son may be involved in a sexual relationship, maybe it's time you had a parent-son discussion.
RANDAL
Let your son know that both his life and the life of his young friend would be drastically changed if she should become pregnant. Fifteen-year-olds don't think about that.
DANTE
Emphasize that a pregnancy at such an early age could ruin both their lives and that you want to do everything in your power to help them stay out of trouble.
RANDAL
And tell 'em that Randal and Dante sent ya.
(winks)
DANTE
Remember, an abstinent kid is a kid without a baby and/or STDs. So it's important to let your son know that you care about his future.
INT. MEOW MIX DANCE CLUB
Loud music is playing and women are dancing. We see TRICIA and HEATHER sitting on stools near the bar. The Camera zooms in on them.
HEATHER
Trish, I know this is for your new book, but I don't see why you had to ask me to come.
TRICIA
Well, I couldn't ask Alyssa. After her relationship with Holden, everybody here's been pretty hostile towards her.
(starts taking notes in a notebook)
HEATHER
Then why did you have to come here? Couldn't you just go to another dyke bar?
TRICIA
No, I'm writing a section about Alyssa's Holden story, and the Meow Mix is a crucial part. According to Banky, this is where Holden found out that Alyssa goes the other way.
HEATHER
And you trust Banky?
TRICIA
Well, normally, I wouldn't. But why would he lie about this? There was nobody else I could ask, anyways. It would just offend Alyssa or Holden.
HOOPER appears behind the bar table.
HOOPER
Well, if it isn't the...beautiful Jones sisters?
Both Jones sisters turn around to see HOOPER.
TRICIA
Oh, hey Hooper. Glad you could show up.
HOOPER
My pleasure. So what can I get you two ladies?
TRICIA
Um...
(quietly converses with HEATHER)
(to HOOPER)
Just two waters.
HOOPER
Coming up. Hold on, the water here's kind of...well...brown. I'm just gonna get two Evians at the soda fountain outside. It's on me. I'll be back.
(walks off camera)
HEATHER
Who was that? He's kind of cute.
TRICIA
Okay, I'll just say flat out that he's gay.
HEATHER
Oh...
TRICIA
Banky mentioned him during our discussion on the phone, so I thought I'd give him a call. He's one of Alyssa's friends. He works as bartender here sometimes. He calls himself Hooper X. He has an indie comic called White Hating Coon. Heard of it?
HEATHER
No...Well, I'm not much of a comics person, anyways.
TRICIA
I'm going to interview him for the book.
HEATHER
Shit...I have to go to the bathroom. Listen, I'm not really good with dykes. I don't know if they'll rape me or something.
TRICIA
Oh, come on, you're being ridiculous.
EXT. QUICK STOP - DAY
JAY, OLAF, and SILENT BOB are leaning against the Quick Stop.
JAY
You know Silent Bob, I'm startin' to think that I was wrong about that Bluntman & Chronic thing. Now kids can fuckin' brag to their friends that they bought buds from fuckin' Bluntman & Chronic. I mean, we're gettin' orders up our fuckin' asses.
SILENT BOB nods.
OLAF
???????.
JAY
(to SILENT BOB)
What the fuck did he just say?
SILENT BOB shrugs.
JAY
(to OLAF)
Shit, man, you've got to learn some fucking English if you're going to be a big metal star. You're already big in Wisconsin. And nobody can fucking understand your lyrics 'cause the grammar's all wrong and shit.
OLAF
?????? ???.
JAY
No, you ?????? ???! Bitch...What the fuck am I doing? I'm hanging out with a tubby bitch who's fucking mute, and his fucking metal-head cousin who can't speak any fucking English. I've got to get some new fucking friends, I swear it.
OLAF and SILENT BOB exchange glances and shrug.
JAY (CONT'D)
But I don't fucking care. Because tonight I'm gonna gargle some chick's clit, make her all wet...make her scream my name.
(to SILENT BOB)
You'd like me to do that to you, wouldn't you, you gay fuck? Shit, you were gonna suck my cock. I swear it, if I hadn't knocked out that fuckin' security guard... But maybe one day if you get me drunk I'll rim you.
SILENT BOB sighs and goes back to smoking his blunt.
JAY
Yeah, lunchbox. Smoke that blunt, just like you'd smoke my cock. Too bad I love box. Fuck yeah. It's like fuckin' Resner said...
(sings and dances)
Head like a hole
Blackens your soul
I'd rather die
Than give you control
SILENT BOB rolls his eyes.
JAY
Shit, yeah. NIN fuckin' rocks. WHAT.
Door opens and DANTE walks outside with a customer.
DANTE
(to JAY)
You know, you're being pretty loud, and you're offending the customers. Could you please go somewhere else?
JAY
Fuck you, you cocksmoking clerk. We can talk about chick jizz wherever we want. It's called fuckin' freedom of speech, know what I'm sayin', Silent Bob?
SILENT BOB shrugs at DANTE.
DANTE
Listen, if you don't leave, I'm going to call the cops. It's your choice.
JAY
Okay, we're leaving.
OLAF, SILENT BOB and JAY begin walking off camera.
JAY
(quietly)
Cockhugger...
CUSTOMER
(shocked)
What?! What did he just say?!
DANTE
Um...nothing...
INT. TONIGHT SHOW STAGE
The old multi-colored Tonight Show curtains.
Audience is cheering.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
It's the Tonight Show! With...
Shot of RENE playing the drums wildly.
ANNOUNCER (0.S.)
...Rene Mosier and the Brodie Bruce Band...
Shot of a rubber cat hand puppet.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
...Conquest, the Amusing Rubber Cat Puppet With an Obsession With Urine...
CONQUEST
(with heavy French accent)
On which for me to pee!
Audience bursts into hysteric laughter.
Shot of Tonight Show talk show set, with the desk and the chairs and shit.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
...And as always, your host....BRRRRRRRRODIE BRUCE!
Audience goes into heavy applause as BRODIE runs on stage. He sticks his hand up his ass, and then thrusts his hand towards the audience, as if to shake its hand.
BRODIE
Heeeeey....
(in unison with audience)
Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Audience bursts into heavy applause and laughter.
As applause dies down...
BRODIE
Hey, do you remember when the GAP used to be a jeans company?
Audience laughs.
BRODIE (CONT'D)
No, I'm serious! Was I mistaken, or did the GAP used to be a jean company? Well, it's not a jean company...it's a fBLEEPing merchandising empire.
Audience applauds.
BRODIE (CONT'D)
I was hanging out at the Prairie Eden Mall, and I decided to get some jeans at the GAP, but when I got there...I couldn't believe my eyes. That wasn't a jeans store; it was a fBLEEPing Buy-Me Toys!
Audience laughs.
BRODIE (CONT'D)
I mean, there were GAP teddy bears, GAP t-shirts, GAP action figures, GAP fashion magazines, and---I'm serious---GAP CDs.
Audience laughs.
BRODIE (CONT'D)
And apparently the kids are buying all the GAP shBEEP they can get their hands on! I'm telling you, get a few teenagers wearing GAP clothes and lip-synching to '70s country songs, film it, and air it on TV, you've got every fBEEPing 13-year-old in your hands! I'm telling you!
Audience laughs and applauds loudly.
BRODIE
All right, we've got to pause for a quick commercial break. When we return we'll be talking with creator of the comic book series Baby-Dave and producer of the new hit movie "The Adventures of Bluntman and Chronic"....Mister Banky Edwards.
Audience applauds. As commercials begin, the camera zooms out, and we see that somebody is watching this on TV.
INT. HOLDEN McNEIL'S LIVING ROOM
HOLDEN is sitting on his couch watching with the TV, holding a big bowl of popcorn. Sitting next to him is TRICIA.
HOLDEN
Man, Banky's been on a lot of shows plugging the B&C movie...
(Beat)
Hey, where's Heather?
TRICIA
Oh, she had a date right after we went to the Meow Mix. She wasn't too reluctant to get out of their, either.
HOLDEN
Ah...
TRICIA
So how come you and Banky haven't gotten back together?
HOLDEN
Well, I've tried. He's just embarrassed to see me, that's all. When he agreed to have sex with Alyssa and I, I knew he was just doing it to help me. But, he thinks that I think he's gay now, so he feels uncomfortable talking to me.
TRICIA
That's too bad. I finally read one of your Bluntman & Chronic comic books. It wasn't bad. I think you two made a great team.
HOLDEN
Yeah, well, I wish I hadn't been so stupid. I knew Alyssa was going to leave me---I knew it---but shit, I only knew her for---what?---two months? And I've known Banky since I was in third grade. I monopolized a lifelong friendship over someone I had a "special feeling" for...well...one mustn't dwell on the pass...
TRICIA
Shhh...the show's back on.
Zoom back in to TV.
INT. TONIGHT SHOW STAGE
BRODIE is sitting at his desk, next to a couch where BANKY is sitting on.
BRODIE
Oh right, we're back with Banky Edwards. Two years ago he, with his childhood friend Holden McNeil, created the popular indie comic book series, Bluntman and Chronic. Now, it's two years later, and Banky's out with the new movie The Adventures of Bluntman and Chronic.
BANKY
You know, Brodie, I just wanted to take the time to tell you that I loved your work in...Moobypalooza.
Audience laughs.
BRODIE
(chuckles)
Oh, yes...I did Moobypalooza last year...
BANKY
Well, you know, I have a baby daughter now...Catwoman Edwards.
Audience applauds.
BANKY (CONT'D)
And now she's just crazy about Mooby the Golden Calf. So let's not talk about Bluntman and Chronic.
(to audience)
It's out in theaters everywhere this weekend, go see it, etc., etc.
(to BRODIE)
Seriously, I've been talking about this fBEEPing movie this entire week. Let's talk about fBEEPing Moobypalooza.
Audience laughs and applauds.
BRODIE
Moobypalooza...that was something...
BANKY
You know, as I just said, my little girl is insane over Mooby, and we just got her Moobypalooza. So I had to, you know, watch it with her and make her there wasn't any sex or pot smoking or anything.
Audience laughs.
BRODIE
Yeah, you know, the funny thing is, when the camera stops rolling, the guys stay in their costumes, so they'll be like: "Man, did you check out Surly Duck? ShBEEP, he's getting fat."
Audience laughs.
BANKY
Wow...you know...
Screen turns black. Camera zooms out, and we see WALT and STEVE-DAVE lying in their sleeping bags. A stack of comic books is in between the two bags. STEVE-DAVE is angrily holding the remote.
INT - STEVE-DAVE'S MOTHER'S BASEMENT
STEVE-DAVE
Can you fucking believe that shit, Walt? All this guy's been doing is going on talk shows and talking about his fucking baby. Get over it, y'know? A lot of people have babies. Get fucking used to it.
WALT
You said it Steve-Dave. That Banky Edwards is such a no-talent.
STEVE-DAVE
Yes, I have no idea how he gets his shit published.
WALT
Steve-Dave? Can we play "Naked Robbers In The Dark?"
STEVE-DAVE
Yes, Walt. Let's play "Naked Robbers in the Dark."
Lights turn off.
THE END
STAY TUNED FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF THE RED BANK, NJ CHRONICLES
DISCLAIMER: As you will probably notice a few sentences into this fic, I am a die-hard Kevin Smith fan. I am in no way bashing Kevin Smith, it's just a work of satire. Also, these characters were all created by Kevin Smith, etc., etc....
EXT. BLOCK OF STORES - DAY
RANDAL walks out of RST VIDEO, locks the door, and walks over to the QUICK STOP.
INT. QUICK STOP CONVENIENCE STORE
DANTE is slouching behind his cashier desk, looking tired.
The sound of a door opening (jingling) is heard, and DANTE suddenly looks more awake.
DANTE
(back to looking gloomy and sleepy)
Oh, it's you...
RANDAL
What do you mean, "oh, it's you?" Jesus, you're testy.
RANDAL goes to the refrigerator.
DANTE
I'm not testy, it's just...
RANDAL grabs a GATORADE and takes off the cap.
DANTE
Hey, you're paying for that. I've taken a lot of shit from the boss about taking free beverages.
RANDAL
Man, where do you put all that shit that you take from the boss? Do you store it all in a broom closet?
DANTE
Please, I'm not in the mood...
RANDAL
(takes a sip of GATORADE)
Not in the mood for what?
(beat)
Tell me, how long have we worked at this block of stores?
DANTE
(sighs)
Eight years...
RANDAL
Eight years! How the fuck is that for commitment? We've been sitting behind cash registers hour after hour in these shit-holes! And what does the boss give us in return? Minimum wage. You'd think he'd show some compassion and let us take some free shit every once in a while for our service.
DANTE
Listen, I just...
Sound of door being opened (jingling) is heard.
VINCENT walks in, holding a mop.
VINCENT
Okay, I've mopped RST Video and the Quick Stop. I have been for years trying to show our respected employers that I am the one who should be in charge of RST Video, and that Graves here should be the one mopping the porno section. But for some reason, they have still not been able to grasp that you...
(glares at RANDAL)
...are a negligent twat who can not handle keeping the store open for thirty minutes without going to the Quick Stop to cry on your buddy's shoulder and steal snacks.
RANDAL pours the rest of his GATORADE on to the floor.
RANDAL
Jesus, you're going to have to clean that shit up before the boss shows up, or you won't get your paycheck.
(Beat)
Get moving, you fucking waste of human life.
VINCENT spits in RANDAL'S face.
VINCENT
You better sleep with one eye open tonight, Graves, or you might just wake up with an AIDS-infected needle up your ass.
DANTE
(looking worried)
Um...don't worry, Vincent. I'll clean that up for you. You just go home.
VINCENT
I vow that I will see to your destruction, Graves.
(angrily walks off camera)
We hear a door closing (jingling)
RANDAL
(imitating DANTE)
"Oh, don't worry, Vincent. I'll clean that up for you. You just go on home."
(normal voice)
Jesus, what are you doing? Fucking him?
DANTE
(angrily)
What the fuck is your problem? Haven't you learned your lesson? The last time you taunted Vincent and he was through you, you claimed that Santa Clause and his elves lived in an apartment in between these two stores. You know that kid's fucking insane.
RANDAL
I also know he needs to show some fucking respect to his elders. It's in the book, man. The employers can pick on the clerks, the clerks can pick on the mop boys.
DANTE
Now you're just talking out of your ass. The employers pay us, which calls for unquestionable respect. Clerks are in no way authority figures to custodians.
RANDAL
Bullshit. When we were in sixth grade, we've been picked on by the eighth graders. And we took it! The eighth graders didn't pay us, but they were a higher rank than us, which causes fear. Which is the same case for us. Our ranks are higher than that spooge-pirate mop boy, therefore we have every right in the world to make him feel uncomfortable.
DANTE
(looks out the window)
Hey, there are some people waiting outside RST.
RANDAL
Shit, great...now I have to deal with those socially devoid fucks...
(rolls eyes)
RANDAL walks off camera.
We hear a door closing noise (jingling).
Zoom in on DANTE, who is now back to his slouching, tired position.
DANTE
He forgot to pay for the fucking Gatorade...
INT. COMIC TOAST
STEVE-DAVE and WALT are standing behind their
register desk. We see people walking around in the background. STEVE-DAVE is looking at a Wizard magazine with Brodie on the cover.
STEVE-DAVE
I don't believe it, Walt. Everybody's suddenly
all gawky over that Bruce fuck. They say that he's responsible for the return of the comic book industry.
WALT
The force can have a small influence on a weak
mind.
STEVE-DAVE
What did I tell you, Walt? Only I can make the Star Wars references. But you bring up a good point. A bunch of 15-year-olds stay up late, watch that fuck on the Tonight Show, he makes some homophobic jokes, suddenly he's their leader.
WALT
Tell it, Steve-Dave...
STEVE-DAVE
He's created even more of an obsessed fan-base by opening his own website, where people can buy merchandise signed by him. But the thing that really hypnotizes the fans is his message board. He has all these staff members from The Tonight Show go on the message board and pretend that they care about what the fans have to say.
WALT
I bet there's only four people on it.
STEVE-DAVE
No, that's the sad part. There are hundreds of them. All brain-washed by that Brodie fuck and his chocolate covered pretzel routine. So of course, people at the comics industry hear that he's obsessed with comics, so they ask him to write a comic with a familiar Marvelous character. He writes it; of course, it's a piece of shit. The guy's all obsessed with Catholicism. And the book has too much fucking dialogue. But of course, everybody digs it, and suddenly he's a distinguished comic book writer.
WALT
The comic book industry doesn't need that jack-off, right, Steve-Dave?
STEVE-DAVE
Do not interrupt me in the middle of my in-depth, hate-ridden monologue, Walt.
WALT
Sorry, Steve-Dave.
STEVE-DAVE
Anyways, after the Marvelous comic, he starts writing comic books based on characters from sketches from his TV show, published by some underground industry, and everybody buys it. It's mostly filled with the same homophobic jokes that you can just see on his show. And he's always making obscure references to his TV show. So, he opens this comic book store in Jersey called Brodie's Secret Stash. It's just an ordinary comic book store, except he has some props and merchandise from the Tonight Show. So people trek from all over the world to go there, and suddenly he's a fucking millionaire.
A man walks up to the cash register.
STEVE-DAVE
(grabs the guy's comics)
Okay, let's see, you've got...Brodie Comics numbers 1 through 20, the Brodie Comics trade paper back, My Cousin Walter: The Graphic Novel, and "Would You Like a Chocolate Covered Pretzel?: The Brodie Story"...
(sighs)
All right...that's $78.59.
The man takes the money out of his wallet, gives STEVE-DAVE the cash and grabs his books.
STEVE-DAVE
$3.50's your change. Have a...good day.
(gives man change)
Man walks off camera.
STEVE-DAVE
(to WALT)
Can you fucking believe that? People are spending their hard-earned MONEY on that shit.
WALT
Oh, I forgot, we just got a shipment of the new Bluntman & Chronic graphic novel in. They're expected to sell pretty quickly.
STEVE-DAVE
(groans)
Man, that makes me fucking sick. I thought when those two fucks broke up, the whole Bluntman & Chronic thing was over. But no, Edwards wasn't happy with all the money he made with that Baby-Dave shit, so he decided to make a fucking Bluntman & Chronic movie.
WALT
Yeah, that movie was a piece of shit.
STEVE-DAVE
I told everybody that on the Internet, before I saw the movie...just based on the trailers. You know my Strike Back Against Bluntman and Chronic website? People are actually buying that story about a production assistant who was assaulted by Banky Edwards.
WALT
Yeah, well, all the sensible people need you to lead them, Steve-Dave. No matter what you have to say.
STEVE-DAVE
My hate community is growing strong, Walt. We couldn't prevent B&C from being the number one movie in America for the first day, but now it's number 3. That Banky fuck's probably crying right now.
WALT
(at the computer)
Yeah, look at what Edwards did on his website. He actually begged people to see the movie on the first two days. He says if they mailed in the ticket stubs, he'd send them autographed and personalized B&C posters. That's fucking pathetic.
STEVE-DAVE
Yes, Walt, and rumors are that George W. is going to be president.
(smacks WALT)
Where the fuck have you been? Every distinguished internet-goer knew that last week. Jesus...I'm going to lunch, you man the store while I'm gone.
WALT
You got it Steve-Dave.
STEVE-DAVE is about to walk off when WALT stands up and grabs STEVE-DAVE by the shirt collar.
WALT
Steve-Dave?
STEVE-DAVE
Yes, Walt?
WALT
I love you, Steve-Dave.
STEVE-DAVE
I know, Walt.
STEVE-DAVE walks off camera. Romantic music plays as WALT watches STEVE-DAVE longingly, with a tear rolling down his face.
EXT. QUICK STOP - DAY
JAY and SILENT BOB are leaning against the QUICK STOP, enjoying a smoke. They are standing right under a "NO LOITERING" sign.
JAY
(singing)
Your name is Bob
And you are funky
You get no pussy
So you spank your monkey
(dances)
SILENT BOB looks offended and smacks JAY.
JAY
Man, Silent Bob, don't get offended, it's fuckin' Prince. He's the fucking man. Noonch.
SILENT BOB shrugs and resumes smoking his blunt.
JAY
That's fuckin' funny. Shit, I can't wait until fuckin' tonight. We're gonna go to Olaf's fuckin' party, meet some chicks, and smoke some fuckin' pink! Naga-nooch!
SILENT BOB smacks JAY.
JAY
What? Shit, Justice can't fucking expect me to wait for her to get out of prison. I can't wait six months to put my dick in some clam, you know?
LANDO walks by.
JAY
Hey, Lando.
LANDO
Hello.
LANDO walks in to the QUICK STOP.
INT. QUICK STOP
DANTE notices LANDO and quickly darts his hands up in the air.
DANTE
Please, don't shoot! Take any money y----
(takes a closer look)
Oh, hey Lando. The usual? Grape soda and a pack of Nails?
LANDO
What? I've never ordered that...Um...I need a four-pack of AA bat---
Sound of door opening (jingling) is heard. CUSTOMER walks in. CUSTOMER walks over to DANTE'S desk.
CUSTOMER
Hey...uh...do you...uh...speak...y'know, English....well?
DANTE
Yeah. What can I get you?
CUSTOMER
Oh, thank Christ. The other two clerks who work here, shit, I can't understand a fucking word they say. They should be shipped back to India where they belong.
DANTE
Well, we do believe in equal opportunities. You know, the whole land of the free thing. So, what can I get you?
CUSTOMER
Oh, nothing. I just wanted to make sure there was somebody here who could fucking speak English. Know what I'm saying?
CUSTOMER walks off camera. A door closing (jingling) sound is heard.
DANTE
(shakes head)
All right, Lando, what do you need?
LANDO
Um, a four-pack of AA batteries, please.
DANTE
All right, "G," I'll get you what I can, "yo."
(chuckles, feeling that he had communicated with LANDO)
DANTE grabs a pack of batteries and hands it to LANDO.
DANTE
Okay, that'll be $4.50. And here at the Quick Stop, we do accept food stamps.
LANDO, confused, hands DANTE the money. The camera follows him as he walks out of the QUICK STOP. He bumps in to RANDAL at the door, who is holding a stapled packet of paper.
RANDAL
Oh, hey, whuddup, Lando?
LANDO
(shakes his head)
Hello...
(walks outside)
Camera follows RANDAL walking to DANTE.
RANDAL
Hmmm, what's wrong with him?
DANTE
Don't know...Hey, you owe me $1.50 for the Gatorade.
RANDAL
Oh, shit, I don't have any cash with me.
DANTE
(rolls eyes)
Why do you always do this?
RANDAL
Hey, don't have a period, rag-boy. I'll get you your money; don't worry.
DANTE
I'm sure...
(notices RANDAL'S packet)
Hey, whatcha got there?
RANDAL
This? It's a Bluntman and Chronic fan fiction.
DANTE
What the hell is a fan fiction?
RANDAL
Oh, c'mon! Get with the times, Dante! A fan fiction is a fictional story that someone writes using characters from movies and TV shows. Most are written by people who can't read and write for shit. The people who write the fan fictions then post them on the Internet. You do know what the Internet is, right?
DANTE
Yes...so, people actually spend time writing these...fan fictions?
RANDAL
Oh, sure. Hours. There are hundreds of dot-net and dot-com sites devoted to posting people's fan fics. There're even websites devoted to fan fics about Brodie.
DANTE
Your cousin Brodie? The one who hosts the Tonight Show?
RANDAL
The one and the same. There are hundreds of 'em on the net.
DANTE
That's insane.
RANDAL
All those Star Wars and Star Trek novels? They're just 400-page fan fictions. Most of them concentrate on things that only appeared in about five seconds of the movies. That's what most fan fiction writers do...they brag about how much they know about their subject.
DANTE
Hey, look outside! There's Skeeter!
RANDAL
Who the fuck is Skeeter?
DANTE
Duh! We got stuck with him in the Quick Stop freezer at the end of Clerks the Animated Series Episode #102: "The Clipshow Wherein Dante and Randal are locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Greatest Moments of Their Lives," which originally aired on June 7th, 2000 at 9:30 pm on ABC. Burnout...
RANDAL
Oh yeah...
RANDAL and DANTE stare at the camera.
DANTE
But on a more serious note...Parents, if you think that your son may be involved in a sexual relationship, maybe it's time you had a parent-son discussion.
RANDAL
Let your son know that both his life and the life of his young friend would be drastically changed if she should become pregnant. Fifteen-year-olds don't think about that.
DANTE
Emphasize that a pregnancy at such an early age could ruin both their lives and that you want to do everything in your power to help them stay out of trouble.
RANDAL
And tell 'em that Randal and Dante sent ya.
(winks)
DANTE
Remember, an abstinent kid is a kid without a baby and/or STDs. So it's important to let your son know that you care about his future.
INT. MEOW MIX DANCE CLUB
Loud music is playing and women are dancing. We see TRICIA and HEATHER sitting on stools near the bar. The Camera zooms in on them.
HEATHER
Trish, I know this is for your new book, but I don't see why you had to ask me to come.
TRICIA
Well, I couldn't ask Alyssa. After her relationship with Holden, everybody here's been pretty hostile towards her.
(starts taking notes in a notebook)
HEATHER
Then why did you have to come here? Couldn't you just go to another dyke bar?
TRICIA
No, I'm writing a section about Alyssa's Holden story, and the Meow Mix is a crucial part. According to Banky, this is where Holden found out that Alyssa goes the other way.
HEATHER
And you trust Banky?
TRICIA
Well, normally, I wouldn't. But why would he lie about this? There was nobody else I could ask, anyways. It would just offend Alyssa or Holden.
HOOPER appears behind the bar table.
HOOPER
Well, if it isn't the...beautiful Jones sisters?
Both Jones sisters turn around to see HOOPER.
TRICIA
Oh, hey Hooper. Glad you could show up.
HOOPER
My pleasure. So what can I get you two ladies?
TRICIA
Um...
(quietly converses with HEATHER)
(to HOOPER)
Just two waters.
HOOPER
Coming up. Hold on, the water here's kind of...well...brown. I'm just gonna get two Evians at the soda fountain outside. It's on me. I'll be back.
(walks off camera)
HEATHER
Who was that? He's kind of cute.
TRICIA
Okay, I'll just say flat out that he's gay.
HEATHER
Oh...
TRICIA
Banky mentioned him during our discussion on the phone, so I thought I'd give him a call. He's one of Alyssa's friends. He works as bartender here sometimes. He calls himself Hooper X. He has an indie comic called White Hating Coon. Heard of it?
HEATHER
No...Well, I'm not much of a comics person, anyways.
TRICIA
I'm going to interview him for the book.
HEATHER
Shit...I have to go to the bathroom. Listen, I'm not really good with dykes. I don't know if they'll rape me or something.
TRICIA
Oh, come on, you're being ridiculous.
EXT. QUICK STOP - DAY
JAY, OLAF, and SILENT BOB are leaning against the Quick Stop.
JAY
You know Silent Bob, I'm startin' to think that I was wrong about that Bluntman & Chronic thing. Now kids can fuckin' brag to their friends that they bought buds from fuckin' Bluntman & Chronic. I mean, we're gettin' orders up our fuckin' asses.
SILENT BOB nods.
OLAF
???????.
JAY
(to SILENT BOB)
What the fuck did he just say?
SILENT BOB shrugs.
JAY
(to OLAF)
Shit, man, you've got to learn some fucking English if you're going to be a big metal star. You're already big in Wisconsin. And nobody can fucking understand your lyrics 'cause the grammar's all wrong and shit.
OLAF
?????? ???.
JAY
No, you ?????? ???! Bitch...What the fuck am I doing? I'm hanging out with a tubby bitch who's fucking mute, and his fucking metal-head cousin who can't speak any fucking English. I've got to get some new fucking friends, I swear it.
OLAF and SILENT BOB exchange glances and shrug.
JAY (CONT'D)
But I don't fucking care. Because tonight I'm gonna gargle some chick's clit, make her all wet...make her scream my name.
(to SILENT BOB)
You'd like me to do that to you, wouldn't you, you gay fuck? Shit, you were gonna suck my cock. I swear it, if I hadn't knocked out that fuckin' security guard... But maybe one day if you get me drunk I'll rim you.
SILENT BOB sighs and goes back to smoking his blunt.
JAY
Yeah, lunchbox. Smoke that blunt, just like you'd smoke my cock. Too bad I love box. Fuck yeah. It's like fuckin' Resner said...
(sings and dances)
Head like a hole
Blackens your soul
I'd rather die
Than give you control
SILENT BOB rolls his eyes.
JAY
Shit, yeah. NIN fuckin' rocks. WHAT.
Door opens and DANTE walks outside with a customer.
DANTE
(to JAY)
You know, you're being pretty loud, and you're offending the customers. Could you please go somewhere else?
JAY
Fuck you, you cocksmoking clerk. We can talk about chick jizz wherever we want. It's called fuckin' freedom of speech, know what I'm sayin', Silent Bob?
SILENT BOB shrugs at DANTE.
DANTE
Listen, if you don't leave, I'm going to call the cops. It's your choice.
JAY
Okay, we're leaving.
OLAF, SILENT BOB and JAY begin walking off camera.
JAY
(quietly)
Cockhugger...
CUSTOMER
(shocked)
What?! What did he just say?!
DANTE
Um...nothing...
INT. TONIGHT SHOW STAGE
The old multi-colored Tonight Show curtains.
Audience is cheering.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
It's the Tonight Show! With...
Shot of RENE playing the drums wildly.
ANNOUNCER (0.S.)
...Rene Mosier and the Brodie Bruce Band...
Shot of a rubber cat hand puppet.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
...Conquest, the Amusing Rubber Cat Puppet With an Obsession With Urine...
CONQUEST
(with heavy French accent)
On which for me to pee!
Audience bursts into hysteric laughter.
Shot of Tonight Show talk show set, with the desk and the chairs and shit.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
...And as always, your host....BRRRRRRRRODIE BRUCE!
Audience goes into heavy applause as BRODIE runs on stage. He sticks his hand up his ass, and then thrusts his hand towards the audience, as if to shake its hand.
BRODIE
Heeeeey....
(in unison with audience)
Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Audience bursts into heavy applause and laughter.
As applause dies down...
BRODIE
Hey, do you remember when the GAP used to be a jeans company?
Audience laughs.
BRODIE (CONT'D)
No, I'm serious! Was I mistaken, or did the GAP used to be a jean company? Well, it's not a jean company...it's a fBLEEPing merchandising empire.
Audience applauds.
BRODIE (CONT'D)
I was hanging out at the Prairie Eden Mall, and I decided to get some jeans at the GAP, but when I got there...I couldn't believe my eyes. That wasn't a jeans store; it was a fBLEEPing Buy-Me Toys!
Audience laughs.
BRODIE (CONT'D)
I mean, there were GAP teddy bears, GAP t-shirts, GAP action figures, GAP fashion magazines, and---I'm serious---GAP CDs.
Audience laughs.
BRODIE (CONT'D)
And apparently the kids are buying all the GAP shBEEP they can get their hands on! I'm telling you, get a few teenagers wearing GAP clothes and lip-synching to '70s country songs, film it, and air it on TV, you've got every fBEEPing 13-year-old in your hands! I'm telling you!
Audience laughs and applauds loudly.
BRODIE
All right, we've got to pause for a quick commercial break. When we return we'll be talking with creator of the comic book series Baby-Dave and producer of the new hit movie "The Adventures of Bluntman and Chronic"....Mister Banky Edwards.
Audience applauds. As commercials begin, the camera zooms out, and we see that somebody is watching this on TV.
INT. HOLDEN McNEIL'S LIVING ROOM
HOLDEN is sitting on his couch watching with the TV, holding a big bowl of popcorn. Sitting next to him is TRICIA.
HOLDEN
Man, Banky's been on a lot of shows plugging the B&C movie...
(Beat)
Hey, where's Heather?
TRICIA
Oh, she had a date right after we went to the Meow Mix. She wasn't too reluctant to get out of their, either.
HOLDEN
Ah...
TRICIA
So how come you and Banky haven't gotten back together?
HOLDEN
Well, I've tried. He's just embarrassed to see me, that's all. When he agreed to have sex with Alyssa and I, I knew he was just doing it to help me. But, he thinks that I think he's gay now, so he feels uncomfortable talking to me.
TRICIA
That's too bad. I finally read one of your Bluntman & Chronic comic books. It wasn't bad. I think you two made a great team.
HOLDEN
Yeah, well, I wish I hadn't been so stupid. I knew Alyssa was going to leave me---I knew it---but shit, I only knew her for---what?---two months? And I've known Banky since I was in third grade. I monopolized a lifelong friendship over someone I had a "special feeling" for...well...one mustn't dwell on the pass...
TRICIA
Shhh...the show's back on.
Zoom back in to TV.
INT. TONIGHT SHOW STAGE
BRODIE is sitting at his desk, next to a couch where BANKY is sitting on.
BRODIE
Oh right, we're back with Banky Edwards. Two years ago he, with his childhood friend Holden McNeil, created the popular indie comic book series, Bluntman and Chronic. Now, it's two years later, and Banky's out with the new movie The Adventures of Bluntman and Chronic.
BANKY
You know, Brodie, I just wanted to take the time to tell you that I loved your work in...Moobypalooza.
Audience laughs.
BRODIE
(chuckles)
Oh, yes...I did Moobypalooza last year...
BANKY
Well, you know, I have a baby daughter now...Catwoman Edwards.
Audience applauds.
BANKY (CONT'D)
And now she's just crazy about Mooby the Golden Calf. So let's not talk about Bluntman and Chronic.
(to audience)
It's out in theaters everywhere this weekend, go see it, etc., etc.
(to BRODIE)
Seriously, I've been talking about this fBEEPing movie this entire week. Let's talk about fBEEPing Moobypalooza.
Audience laughs and applauds.
BRODIE
Moobypalooza...that was something...
BANKY
You know, as I just said, my little girl is insane over Mooby, and we just got her Moobypalooza. So I had to, you know, watch it with her and make her there wasn't any sex or pot smoking or anything.
Audience laughs.
BRODIE
Yeah, you know, the funny thing is, when the camera stops rolling, the guys stay in their costumes, so they'll be like: "Man, did you check out Surly Duck? ShBEEP, he's getting fat."
Audience laughs.
BANKY
Wow...you know...
Screen turns black. Camera zooms out, and we see WALT and STEVE-DAVE lying in their sleeping bags. A stack of comic books is in between the two bags. STEVE-DAVE is angrily holding the remote.
INT - STEVE-DAVE'S MOTHER'S BASEMENT
STEVE-DAVE
Can you fucking believe that shit, Walt? All this guy's been doing is going on talk shows and talking about his fucking baby. Get over it, y'know? A lot of people have babies. Get fucking used to it.
WALT
You said it Steve-Dave. That Banky Edwards is such a no-talent.
STEVE-DAVE
Yes, I have no idea how he gets his shit published.
WALT
Steve-Dave? Can we play "Naked Robbers In The Dark?"
STEVE-DAVE
Yes, Walt. Let's play "Naked Robbers in the Dark."
Lights turn off.
THE END
STAY TUNED FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF THE RED BANK, NJ CHRONICLES