The Quest for the Pen.
Jim Pond sat at the table in the fancy French restaurant. He looked around the room; very few people were in the restaurant… which of course was why it had been chosen. He could see a couple, young and rich looking sitting on the other side of the room to him and an old lady wearing a large, purple, chicken shaped hat (God knows why?) in the far corner. But other than them the room was deserted. Why was he there? Jim knew… but then Jim knew everything- did he not? Except why buttered toast always falls butter-side down… but then nobody knew everything…. No-one could do anything – except maybe Bill Gates and other extremely rich people. Bill Gates…grrrrr… that little… it was HE Jim who had originally come up with the idea for Windows… but that guy Bill had stolen it! It was so unfair! But some of the things Jim did know, like who exactly who to expect at the restaurant… who would accompany them… who they would meet… why they were meeting… at what time they were meeting- need I go on. But then it was his job to know he was a secret agent – one of her majesty's best. He was trained to know the answers.
A voice disturbed him from his train of thought… someone had entered the room! Ah ha James thought it was whom he was waiting for. He watched as the obviously evil man pottered into the lounge area and seated himself at a near by table. James picked a fork out of his pocket and twisted back one of the points. "This is Flying Hog calling Flying Pig come in Pig" a voice crackled back "snort snort oink oink" James (who could speak fluent Pig) replied "snuffle oink snort snort" Which of course means, "The cat is wearing the hat" which was a statement most helpful to Flying Pig. "oink oink snuff snuff" was the reply that came back which literally translates as "where is the pen of my aunt?" to which the obvious answer was "oink oink snuffly snuffle" this conversation then grew rapidly more gripping until finally the dialect finished with "Snort snort" which is the equivalent of saying "Ok do everything the way I told you and we'll be have tea on the veranda by 2 this afternoon!"
While having this conversation James had been watching the Evil looking man (let us call him ELG) try unsuccessfully to open a packet of peanuts and took this opportunity to intervene…
"I say sir" he said sweeping down next the ELG "can I help you with that?" he took the packet of peanuts and thoroughly embarrassed himself when he unsuccessfully tried to open the packet! "Peanut packets can be a bit of a bother can't they?" commented the ELG. Then they both sat there in uncomfortable silence until the ELG spoke again "I say what is your name?"
"Jim Pond no no…. Wait that's wrong, the names Pond…Jim Pond!"
"Oh really, you wouldn't happen to be a government spy would you?"
"How did you know that!? I mean… um no… I not"
"Really?"
"No I admit it I'm a spy… I never have been good at lying!"
"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you're in the wrong profession?"
"Yes well…." They drift off again into a silence
"Oh well I have to go off to try and conquer the world… it was nice to meet you Mr Pond, and don't worry your secret's safe with me!" ELG said shaking hands with Pond "very well, I'll give you a 30 second head start before I start to follow you!" replied Pond
"Ok terribly kind of you!" The ELG left and Mr Pond counted down the time. 30 elephant, 29 elephant, 28 elephant, 27 elephant, 26 elephant, 25 elephant, 24 elephant, 23 elephant, 22 elephant, 21 elephant, 20 elephant, 19 elephant, 18 elephant, 17 elephant, 16 elephant, 15 elephant, 14 elephant, 13 elephant, 12 elephant, 11 elephant, 10 elephant, 9 elephant, 8 elephant, 7 elephant, 6 elephant, 5 elephant, 4 elephant, 3 elephant, 2 elephant, 1 elephant. Then off ran Jimmy Pond… straight in the little boy's room, then off to follow ELG.
He snuck down the road after him making sure to tiptoe so as not to be heard but somehow, amazingly he was spotted and the ELG made a quick getaway into a passing milk-float. Pond glanced around and thought quickly… hum what to do in a time like this and as he always did he thought ' WWJD… yes that was the question what would John Lennon do in this situation?!'
Jim spotted another milk float (this one parked) he headed for it and jumped aboard and sped off after the ELG's milk float (much to the annoyance of the Milkman). They sped for hours and hours (the prospect of Tea on the Veranda seemed to be getting fainter) Jim began to hurl bottles of milk at ELG's float and then got distracted when he discovered that he indeed was made of the 'white' stuff! So they sped, they drank milk, they threw milk and they sang (well Jim did). Until finally they arrived at ELG's hidden base, which by some amazing coincidence is underneath a restaurant, called ELG's Hidden Base!
Jim Pond followed ELG into the building and wandered around aimlessly trying to find the bathroom. He happened to walk into a room where a beautiful innocent young women was being held captive… so like all good secret agents do he rescued her. Thus becoming her God! Eventually he gave up the idea of finding a toilet and headed for the exit, as he had just remembered that he had a very important secret meeting to attend. He headed (with the beautiful girl who he had discovered was called Sophia (or something else equally pathetic and stupid sounding)) for the nearby football stadium. At the stadium he want and stood next to a tall looking bloke and casually whispered "Cadburys Creme egg… how do you eat yours?" the man turned to face him "I beg your pardon?!" Jim was most embarrassed "I'm sorry wrong person."
And minute later he went and stood next to another fairly tall man and repeated the question "two at a time baby… yeah" the man calmly replied. And then the two engaged in a rather rapid discussion in Pig.
They decided between them that they had to return to the hidden base and try and find out what was going on and if they had discovered the answer yet! So in they snuck once more. But as they rounded the first corridor they were spotted and chased down the hall. They ran into one room where they conveniently found 3 large chicken suits hanging up, so they dressed themselves in these and headed out in disguise. They arrived at the main lab and when asked what they were doing they replied "Chicken duty" (no one knew what this was but they apparently weren't curious enough to ask). In the main lab in the centre sat the ELG on his lap sat a man dressed as a cat. "That's him" screamed Ross (Jim's friend) "how do you know" asked Jim "the evil guy always has a cat!" said Ross "that's not a cat… that a man dressed up as a cat!" Jim pointed out (sharp as usual) "yes well" ELG said to James "I'm afraid your stupid looking tall friend is right… I am the bad guy, I would have a real cat but I'm allergic to cat fur so…. You understand?"
"No I don't" cried Ross "your sick dressing people up as animals like that!" ELG beckoned to a man who resembled a Koala and Dumbo all rolled into one "Herbert please remove this man for… hee hee hee 'questioning'!"
Ross was strapped to a chair and Herbert produced a large feather duster… "Tell us what we want to know and we will spare you" he said "NEVER!" yelled Ross… the torture went on for a few hours everyone was growing tied and bored "oh for God sake Ross just tell him" Jim said. "NEVER"
"Ok" said Herbert "I give you one more chance…. Where is the pen of my Aunt?!!!! If you don't tell me I will have to use this" he tapped the duster in what he thought was a menacing way but actually it was more of a suggestive way. "Ok I give in I'll tell you" shouted Ross "it's… It's… it's in the garden of my uncle!"
"Ah ha!" yelled ELG "I knew it" and with that he walked out. Followed by Herbert (who hit his head on the door walking out). So all ends well… Jim practically leapt on Sophia who beat him off with a pink handbag but oh well can't win em all.
Before they could walk off into the sunset they were chased for several miles by two very angry milkmen.
Several months later…
James received a phone-call (on his forkie-talkie) the conversation went as follows… "Yak…"
"Moose…"
"Bear…"
"Pig…"
"Crab-apple tree!"
" THAT'S NOT A ANIMAL YOU IDIOT!"
Cue James bond music