The New and Improved Jedi Academy
By Ender
A group of 19 (19? Why not a well-rounded number
like twenty?) tourists was walking around the new Jedi Temple that had been
built on Coruscant. They were there for
the tour, which the Jedi had started to pay for the huge building costs. A tour guide and a tram made up of golf
carts ran through the entire temple every hour, the tour only taking 45 minutes
itself. The new temple was much smaller
then the first, but was still a respectable size.
As the tourists mingled and looked around the lobby,
a woman wearing a nametag and a huge fake smile approached. She clapped her hands suddenly and motioned
for the people to come closer. (clap on… clap off…)
"Hellooo,
everyone!" she said, "I'm your tour guide, Diitz! If you could please follow
me, I'll start your tour." (the name certainly fits her…)
They followed her to the five waiting golf carts that
were chained together. The tourists
took a seat and Diitz began to talk into a crackling microphone as she drove.
"Welcome to the new and improved Jedi Temple. We provide the traditional Jedi teachings
while adding more modern practices and philosophies. Right now we're passing under our school's new motto, only used
in this temple."
The carts passed under a huge archway. Scrawled in 4-foot-high letters in marble
was the motto: 'Even if you die, come back as a ghost and kick their ass'. (hell yeah!)
"Coming up on your right and left are the classrooms
where our students are being taught many promising skills. Everybody say hi!" Diitz started to wave vigorously, prompting the tour group to do
so. A master that was demonstrating
levitation in a nearby classroom waved back, dropping the student that he was
lifting high in the air. (poor kid… what am I saying! *laughs her head off
*)
The student, on the way down, hit and flattened an
unsuspecting Yoda who had been walking by.
The horrified student apologized profusely to Yoda, who had gotten up
and started to corner the teacher.
"Idiot, are you?
A brain, do you have? My gimer
stick, you shall meet!" The culprit
screamed. (I wonder if that thing really hurts…)
"NOT
THE STICK!!! ANYTHING BUT THE
STICK!!!" (I guess so…) He ran away with Yoda in pursuit. The green Jedi Master stopped after a few
moments because he was moving too slow and had no chance of catching the other
Jedi. As he walked away he began to
mumble to himself.
"Moron, he is.
Headache, I have." Diitz,
watching the entire episode, looked back at the group.
"Right." She
looked confused, then started the golf carts up again and began to drive down
the hall. "Well, now we're coming up on
two new concepts that were suggested by our female initiates. Please follow me." She got off the golf cart and the crowd of tourists followed
her. (See? Women ALWAYS get what
they want…)
They came to a room that
had very high ceilings and enormous skylights that shed light on the
floor. This wasn't really needed
because of all the candles set on either side of the room. (ooo… fire…)
On
the left side was a huge, 20-foot-tall picture of Obi-Wan Kenobi *drools *,
on the right was a picture of a Gungan that was of equal size. (how did a
Gungan get in here?) Both pictures
were surrounded by the bright candles and gifts that looked strangely like
offerings. Diitz pointed at them and
turned towards the tour group.
"This
is our shrine room. To your left is the
Obi-Wan Kenobi shrine, the most-used room in the entire temple. Our female Jedi come here to pay their
respects and drool over the picture.
Every sunset they sacrifice a dewback ( dewback? Wouldn't that be a
little hard to carry? And aren't they from Tatooine?) to Obi-Wan.
We ask that you please bow to the picture now, as is the custom here."
The
group obediently bowed to the picture. (bows) As they did,
Diitz looked over at them and saw a familiar face. She walked over and hit a tourist lightly on the shoulder.
"Not
you, you moron!" she yelled. "What are you doing here?" The tourist, who happened to be Obi-Wan
himself stood up looking slightly confused.
(so what if he's not smart?!
He's hot!)
"I
wanted to see the differences in the temples.
And I just did what you told me t -…aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!" A group of female padawans that had been
walking past noticed him and had started to scream like crazed boy-band
fans. (* shudders* boy bands…) Other people heard the commotion and came running over. Obi-Wan tried to sneak, then run away, but
collected more and more girls until he had a huge, screaming mob chasing after
him. Diitz ignored his pleas for help
and decided to continue the tour as if nothing had happened. (hey! You're supposed to help the hot
Jedi!)
"Well,
that was interesting. Now the shrine to
your right is our Captain Tarpals shrine.
(So that's how a gungan got in here…) He is the only Gungan that has more than half a brain and is
the only one of his species that is allowed to be talked about in this
temple. This excludes talking about the
torture, maiming or death of them, or their mention in these tours. The punishment for mentioning Jar Jar Binks,
Boss Nass, or any other Gungan of their stupidity is 20+ lashes with a
bullwhip. (whips!? In the Jedi
Temple?) Please bow to Captain
Tarpals and return to your carts. (bows)
After
everyone was loaded onto the carts again they started down the hall.
"All
right everyone. Our Jedi Masters
favorite is coming up on your right.
This is the Sithspit bar, which our older Jedi like to frequent." ( I
thought sithspit was a swear…)
As
the tourists looked in they saw Yoda sitting in a booster seat on a
barstool. He was reading a Ranger Rick
magazine(they get Ranger Rick in the star wars universe? I used to read
those too…) while drinking Greenzinee, a powerful alcohol. He was still muttering about his headache
while reading it. Yoda turned and saw
the group, hopped off his bar stool and told Diitz to stop, then climbed into
Obi-Wan's vacant seat. (*fumes * it's Obi's seat, not his…)
"Well,
continuing on our tour, these are more Force-study classes. Of course, all of these practices taught
here are covered in the Moron's Guide to the Force, which is available in the
gift shop."
"Who's
that?" asked a tourist, interrupting her.
He pointed to a set of doors to the outside, by which stood a boy with a
horrible haircut. (is it my brother?)
"Oh,
that's Anakin Skywalker, our janitor," answered Diitz. (HAHAHA! The little brats a janitor!)
Yoda looked over and watched as Anakin threw a banana peel into a nearby
garbage can. He was immediately
enraged.
"Throw
a banana peel into the garbage, did you?
Put it in a compost pile, you must.
Die for this, you shall." (KILL
HIM! KILL HIM!)
Yoda
hopped off the golf cart and headed towards Anakin, waving his magazine. The janitor started to run, but Yoda lobbed
the magazine at him and stunned the boy for a second. (Must have been a pretty thick magazine.) The magazine
gave him a fatal paper cut, then Yoda used the Force to throw Anakin off the
balcony. (wild cheers from the
muse!) He fell a hundred stories
down, then hit the ground while most of the tour group cheered. Yoda walked away smiling, happy that he had
finally gotten rid of the boy. ( YODA! YODA!)
"That reminds me," Diitz commented, "we also have
Anakin dolls available in the gift shop that include lighters and a great deal
of lighter fluid for a relatively low price.
(ooo… more fire…) It's one of our best sellers, along with our
custom-made lightsabers that really work and are acceptable for use by the
general public. (isn't that a setup
for the perfect lawsuit?) Here's a
helpful tip. If you do buy one, please
make sure that you don't cut off any extremities with it. The last time someone did that it was a
complete mess." (oh yes, I'm going to purposely try and take a limb off… Who
does she think we are? Anakin?) She walked over to a door at the end of the hall.
"Well, this concludes our tour. I hope you enjoyed it and learned more about
the Jedi order and the temple. The gift
shop is through this door, and it contains all I talked about and more. If you are one of our Obi-Wan Kenobi fans,
postcards and posters of him are available (whips out her wallet), as
well as those of Captain Tarpals.
Tickets are sold at the register for other tours and for the dewback
sacrifice every night. ( whips out her wallet yet again) We also have snow globes, action figures, and
our own Jedi commemorative coins. Thank you again for coming, and I hope that
we'll see you here again soon! (she sounds like one of those cheap
infomercials…) Goodbye!"
